Be the Best

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you". - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

There is a fundamental human need in each of us to become the best we can be. To be the best "what" is often the question - the best man, best woman, best father, best mother, best wife, best husband, best business person, best doctor, best manager, best teacher, best widget maker, best cook, best tv-watcher, best athlete, best non-athlete, best whatever. Each one means something different to different people. But the fundamentals remain the same; we all have an innate drive, a motivation to strive. A desire to be the best we can be.

Abraham Maslow called it a desire for "self-actualization". You may remember reading about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs years ago in an introductory psychology class, or high school biology class. He theorized that we all have this drive towards self-actualization, but that it takes considerable work and effort to get there; after all, you don't just wake up one morning the best widget-maker or best athlete in the world, it takes time, work, education, practice, failing, doing to get there - contrary to what most 3am info-mercials may tell you....

Maslow simplified the effort to get there - to reach self-actualization - into a hierarchy of needs, a series of steps to get there; often seen as a pyramid, with each layer being a necessary foundation to achieve the next layer, or goal:










Maslow believed we must first have our basic physiological needs taken care of - do we have enough food to eat and roof over our head? If we do, we feel safe and secure and can build further security. Through the process of building security, the goal is to develop a sense of belonging - often in a family, work group, or intimate relationship. If we are able to achieve this belonging we will develop esteem, and hopefully, eventually work on becoming the best we can be, or achieve self-actualization.

His ideas continue to indicate there will be hiccups along the way - obstacles to achieving these goals - can be the cause of frustration, stress, and distress in our lives. If we are not able to have our basic human needs met, or if we cannot procure the resources needed to feel secure, we cannot move to building relationships or developing esteem. If we are unable to have healthy relationships or do not have a sense of respect for others, we will not move on towards being the best we can be.

Maslow's Hierarchy is a great tool to use to look at our selves - to determine where the obstacles might be in our lives, and how we can work to move past them.

Maslow didn't believe that many people reach the pinnacle of his pyramid. He thought the obstacles were too many, and that we were not able to overcome them to move on.

I take a different view. I believe that sometimes just knowing that self-actualization exists, and that we can achieve it, is motivating. By looking at our lives and determining where the obstacles are, we can work through them and move towards becoming the best we can be.

Where are you today in Maslow's Hierarchy? How are you moving past obstacles in your life? Are you on your way to achieving self-actualization?

Happy Belated Father's Day

Being that we just passed Father's Day, I thought it would be a nice to offer some thoughts for all you dads out there to start preparing for next Father's Day. Here are a few interesting facts to know for Dads, Grandpa's, Soon-to-be Dads, Some-day Will Be Dad's, and all the woman who work so hard to support us in our efforts to be the best Dad we can be.

The first Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington on June 19, 1910, after Sonora Dodd, a child raised by a single father, encouraged churches to honor dads upon hearing a Mother's Day-themed sermon.

President Nixon made it an official National celebration in 1972.

Father's Day is the fifth most popular dining-out day each year - the top three winners of our business: Olive Garden, Outback Steakhouse, and Applebee's.

Did you know there are an estimated 66,000,000 fathers in the United States. Of those, approximately 158,000 are stay-at home dads - Good for you guys!

Approximately 1 in 25 men suffer from male postnatal depression - also known as "sad dad syndrome", and with good reason; added stress, concerns about being a "perfect dad", changing relationships with our wives; there are a considerable amount of new stressors added into the new dad's life; sadly, not many men seek the help they need to manage these stressors and depression.

One in four dads spend less than an hour with their kids each day. Thirty-eight percent of working dads say they would take a pay cut for more time with their children.

So what can you do with the time you DO have with your kids? Here are a few summer ideas to build your relationship with your child for moms and dads.

· Share with them your favorite sport or hobby - take them fishing and show them how to bait a hook or tie a fly, take them boating, catch a minor league ball game or go see them play in the big league. Take the time to share part of yourself, and you will build a bond with your child they will remember into their parenting years.

· Teach your child something - set a goal to teach them how to make a wooden birdhouse. If your passion is camping, teach them how to set up a tent and make a proper campfire - of course you have to teach them the finer art of smores with that! Teach her how to golf, or at least drive the cart, teach him how to change the oil - it doesn't have to be a big summer long project. But take the time to teach your child something that will help them grow, that they may not learn in school.

· Get out of town - or at least out of the house. This time of year is ripe with local, and not so local, festivals and things to do. Take in one of those pieces of America at a county fair or festival in a local town or nearby city. Get out and enjoy the State and National Park system - we are fortunate to have a great parks system with miles of trails and waterways - an amazing day is as simple as going to the front of the park and picking up a map, or looking at the day's event. You won't be disappointed.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with your child in a kind, loving, and caring manner, and you can't go wrong. Being a dad isn't easy, there is no instruction manual to tell you how to do it perfectly, but as long as you go about with the attitude of doing what is best for your daughter or son, you are going to get it right a good percentage of the time.

How to Get Lucky

There is a considerable amount of research being conducted lately on the concept of "Luck". From the research, it appears there are a lot of people who want to know the answer to the question, "how can I get lucky?"

The following is a synopsis of some of that research as reviewed in a recent edition of Psychology Today:

University of Hertfordshire psychologist and Author of
The Luck Factor, Richard Wiseman spent 10 years researching people's perceptions of their own luck. Over that time, he found that people who consider themselves "lucky" score higher on personality measures of extraversion. They are more likely to encounter new people more frequently in their lives, and tend to keep in touch with old friends more often. These same people tend to score higher in measures of openness and less in their tendencies towards negative emotional states like anxiety, anger, depression, and guilt.

Wiseman conducted an interesting experiment in which he offered two unique opportunities in the paths of two different people - one claiming to be "lucky", one not; he placed money on the ground, and planted a potential encounter with another person within a comfortable distance.

What were the results?

The self-labeled "lucky" person quickly noticed the cash, and struck up a conversation with the neighboring businessman; the "unlucky" person stepped right over the money, and sat quietly and sipped coffee without noticing the other person.
What does this mean for you? To be "lucky", according to the Wiseman study, is to notice good fortune everywhere through outgoing behavior and simple attentiveness to your environment. So the next time you go into that coffee shop, why not strike up a conversation with the person preparing your coffee, or the patron you see there every time you go in?

Another point in the Wiseman study is that you can increase your opportunities for good fortune by maintaining a large network of friends and acquaintances. For years, mental health research has told us that having a large social network can promote overall health, but in having a larger network, more opportunities for good fortune may come your way.

Wiseman conducted another experiment that illustrated the connecting between cognitive flexibility and luck. He gave subjects a newspaper and asked them to count how many photographs were inside - there were 43. Most of the subjects were able to find them within a few minutes.

However, they could have made the task much quicker and easier had they stopped to read the large type at the top of the second page that read "stop counting - there are 43 photographs in this newspaper; or, they could have been awarded $250 if they noted the message in the middle of the page that read "stop counting, tell the experimenter you have seen this and win $250." "Luck" in this situation, seems to be more akin to "observant".

What does that mean for you? Be flexible. Be observant. Going about tasks differently or more observantly might bring about more "luck" than you were expecting. Flexible people tend to respond to the same stimuli differently than more rigid personalities - very often leading to opportunities for chance and good fortune to factor in.

What can you do about it?

Try taking a different route to work - see what opportunities lie along a different route. Stop by an out-of-the-way place for a lunch or a cup of coffee, rather than heading over to the same place for "the usual". Switch seats on the train. Watch a new television program or radio station. Strike up a conversation. Try something new.

The answer to the question, "how can I get lucky?" seems pretty simple according to recent research:

Be flexible. Try new things. Be observant. Maintain a strong social network. Think positively. Be open to opportunities for good fortune, and good fortune will follow.

Good luck.

Want to Get Lucky?

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" - Seneca (Roman Philosopher, 1st Century)

Most people have heard of this quote in one way or another. I interpret it to be a gentle chiding to make yourself ready, to be prepared for the possibility that opportunity comes your way. Seneca appears to be giving us 50% of the responsibility, while the fickle nature of opportunity is given the other 50%. Will this magical opportunity walk our way or not? If it does, will you be prepared. If not, alas, you did what you could, and you just weren't lucky enough to have opportunity come your way... It's sad, in a way, according to Seneca, we are only partially responsible for our own fortune. According to him, we can only work so hard, and the rest is up to chance.

There may be more truth in a slightly different commentary on "luck" by Thomas Jefferson,

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."

Jefferson takes the concept of luck and fortune, and places it solely in our laps, telling us that we are responsible for our own good fortune through our own hard work. He tells us that we have what it takes to do the job, and to reap the rewards of "luck".

If we were to take these two comments together, maybe we are responsible for both our own preparation, and creating our own opportunity?

I would like to think so. Current research appears to indicate the same. But I won't wrap you up in statistics and scientific method this week - we'll save that for next week's article. Instead, I want to give you one simple change you can make to create your own opportunity and luck.

Maybe your days are like mine; full of lists, chores, tasks, jobs... all kinds of things that I "have to get done". I have wake up with a list running through my head, and then I have check the list next to my bed. It's my job to make the coffee - I've got to go get that done first thing. Then I have to take care of the animals, from there I have to wake the kids up and start breakfast while my wife gets ready for work. It's a fast paced morning of things I have to get done.

From there, I have to try to get some exercise in - hopefully a run. Because, let's face it, I can't promote exercise as a cure-all for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellness unless I am doing it, right? Ugh, I have to go out there and do it. So I dutifully lace up the shoes and drag myself out on to the pavement. Ugh, running.

After that, I have to do the start the routine of checking the news and emails - what's going on in the world out there, and in my world here? From there it's off to the office to do what I have to do - seeing clients, making phone calls, consulting with doctors and insurance companies, writing articles... Ugh, it can be a drag...

Can you feel your shoulders slumping and your brow furrowing? Does this remind you of your day? Do you have pity for my unlucky and misfortunate day?

Don't.

This is not the way I go through my day. And I hope you don't go through yours like this either. If you do, we're going to change that right now. Here's how.

You can go ahead and stop agreeing with this kind of day. Relax your shoulders and raise your eyebrows - smile. Let go of any pity, and start thinking about preparing yourself and creating opportunity.

Here is the pay-off. Your one simple step to luck, fortune, opportunity, etc.

Replace the word(s) "should", "have to", or "must" in each one of these statements with a more positive affirmation of how "lucky" you are to be doing these things - just how fortunate are you to GET to do, to be ASKED to do, to be ENCOURAGED to do, to be APPRECIATED for, what you do?

It's that simple. View your day as an opportunity, realize that you are already "lucky" and more of it will come your way.

Here's how it looks:

I get to wake up and look at a list of things I get to do today that stimulate my mind and give me purpose! From there, I am blessed to be able to put coffee on - not just because I have an on-going love affair with coffee, but because I get to be of service to someone who appreciates coffee almost as much as I do - my wife. From there, I get to spend my morning with two little girls who adore me, and will always remember how their dad got them up and made oatmeal for them every morning, even though they had "dragon-breathe".

From there I get to lace up a worn out pair of running shoes - worn from the miles I have been fortunate to log over the past few months. I am blessed to run in the bright sun, or through the cooling rain. Most importantly, I get to run in a world where many others can't; and I get to share my experiences from this simple exercise with important people in my life.

All that in just a few short hours of the morning!? How lucky am I?! From there I get to go to a job I enjoy. I am fortunate enough to be present with people making changes in their lives, I get to help them develop insight into themselves, and I am honored to be a witness to their healing. With that, I have an outlet to write and share my ideas, and hopefully serve more people through my writing.

Same day. Completely different outlook. Is it that simple - just changing a word? Yes. The concept is a simple one - the implementation may not always be, but I encourage you to keep at it. You will find more "luck", opportunity, and good fortune coming your way by making this simple change in your thinking each day.

Next week, I will share with you the wealth of research that has been compiled around this simple idea.

Where were you born?

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made." - Bill Cosby

As summer approaches and we have an opportunity to spend more time with our children, I thought it was appropriate to consider a concept that has been studied for well over a century; birth order. I originally considered it to be an interesting idea to look at in terms of parenting - how we parent our children based on when they were born into our family. I quickly realized that the study of our own birth order is a helpful tool in taking a look at our own behavior and attitudes as adults.

The concept of birth order was first defined in 1874 when Francis Galton noted that there was an overrepresentation of firstborn sons among scientists. In the 100+ years birth order has been studied, we have found that it impacts a considerable amount of development from career choice to whom we marry.

Here is a look at what the research has found:

Firstborns

Intellect - Parents tend to have more time and energy to pour their resources into their firstborn child, ensuring that they have "the best" in life early on; thus resulting in an average IQ 3 points higher than their sibs.

Family - As the oldest, firstborns tend to act as surrogate parents to their sibs, taking on the role of family guardian. This factor makes them more likely to maintain family relations into adulthood.

Competition - Firstborns can struggle with the change of going from only child to older child. This can awaken a strong desire to reclaim and maintain their former position, causing them to be less trustful and more competitive throughout life.


Politics - Firstborns tend to be more conservative than their rebellious siblings. Radical political activists are 18 times more likely to be later born than firstborn.

Middleborn

Vocation - As they spend much of their development in the middle of things - often the family "peace keeper" - middleborns tend to be unbiased and levelheaded, leading to careers that often involve negotiation. You can often find them succeeding in management and politics.

Perfectionists - Middleborns play the part of both older and younger sibling in the family, often causing them to have no well-defined role. They're less likely to be seen as the favorite child. In one study, mothers defined their middleborn children as low in competence and achievement. Bearing the weight of this perception may reduce the middleborn's self-esteem, causing them to engage in perfectionistic thinking.

Friendships - Middleborns are more likely to be found with a close group of friends than with their family. They often form very tight bonds with friends outside the family as their primary support network.

Lastborn

Spirituality - Religious observance tends to be weakest in middleborns, with last borns often displaying the most "religiososity" - the importance of God in one's life.

Warmth - In families with three children, the lastborn is especially tender and giving, perhaps due to being babied through their early development.


Relationships - Research indicates individuals are more likely to form romantic bonds with those who share their birth order. This may be due to their similar personalities and life goals. Therefore, lastborns are attracted to the babies of other families.

How do these ideas relate to you, your childhood, or how you relate to your children? Some of these concepts are simply unavoidable realities - like the fact that parents have more time and energy for their firstborn child, before more children come along. Some happen simply as a result of being a member of a family - a part of an interactive system.

Each concept carries with it positive and negative qualities. As a parent, you can work to accentuate the positive, while mitigating the negative for your child.