What Are You Putting In Your Head?

Who are you when it all starts to fall apart? When the stress of work, marriage, parenting, or life in general starts to get to you, what kind of person do you become? When you feel like you can’t do it anymore, but you know you have to, what resources do you have to draw from?


It is at these times that truly test us that we find out who we truly are. It’s at these times that the choices we have made throughout our lives push us to succeed, or allow us to fail. At these times it is what we have been putting in our heads that comes back out in our actions and attitudes.

When you are faced with a new or difficult task, does your head fill with thoughts of “I can’t do this”, “I’m not good enough”, or “why me”? Or do you rise to the occasion and fill yourself with ideas like “it will be tough, but I can do it”, and “this will stretch me and make me stronger”?

When faced with adversity in life, do you turn to unhealthy coping skills like overeating and drinking alcohol; or do you look at the adversity as an opportunity, and seek out ways to conquer it?

Do you seek out chances to learn and expand yourself through travel, experience, education, reading, and socializing; or do you spend your time in front of the computer following friends Mafias and Farms, or surfing for the newest gossip on the latest celebrity to self-destruct?

When you have time for leisure, do you spend your days in front of the tv watching the latest adult cartoons, catching the entire 6-8 hours of the Cubs double-header, or playing 12-14 hours of video games; or do relax with the Discovery Channel and History Channel, or try to engage in some kind of physical activity to improve your health?

The choices we make, from the most major life decisions to what eat and how we relax shape and craft our lives. The choices we make, what we put in our heads, BECOMES our life, and creates our existence.

I don’t have it all figured out yet. I can easily lose myself in a mind-numbing tv show, or shoot-‘em-up video game for an hour or two. But I’m learning. The first time I woke up from a Facebook induced coma and realized an hour had disappeared, I knew it was time to make some changes. I started making different choices.

The great thing is, you can to. If your unhappy or frustrated with where things are going in life; sometimes, it can really be as easy as making some different choices. First start with the little ones, like what you are putting in your head, from there the bigger choices get a little bit easier.

Art credit: Luke B. Dunscombe

Avoid the Deep Dark Depths

If you were in the depths of a major depressive episode; no energy to get out bed, no desire to seek pleasure, feeling sad, lethargic, down, and depressed every waking moment, possibly feeling like you didn’t want to go on, what would you do?


I hope you have the support in place around for someone to say, “we need to get you some help”. I hope you have the resources to find and acquire the help you need. Better yet, I hope you never get to that point.

Sadly, a lot of people do. Stress becomes anxiety, anxiety trends towards depression, and eventually a person can get so low that it takes considerable measures to come out of it, or it leads to more difficult mental health issues.

This is a simple list of activities to engage in to help prevent mental illness. You may be amazed at their simplicity. I hope you are. I hope you read these and say, “I do these EVERY day!” Engage in these more days than not each week, and you will be on your way to maintaining wellness.

Eat healthy. Drink Healthy. There’s a reason we are told to eat our fruits and vegetables. It makes you healthy. The more the better. The more colors your can fit into a meal, the better. Limit your intake of processed foods. If you can’t produce the ingredients, why put it in your body? Those chemicals alter the chemicals in your brain and lead to altered moods. Too much sugar, caffeine, or alcohol can do the same thing. Instead soda or coffee, try tea or water. Lots of water. At least 2 liters (about 8 8oz glasses) each day to flush out your system, help you feel full, provide the hydration you need, and because it’s better for you than a Monster.

Sleep. Not too much, not too little. Generally 7-9 hours is good every night. The important factor many people miss out on is not to alter your sleep schedule too much. If you go to bed by 10pm get up at 5am every morning, don’t stay up until 1am and sleep until 9am on the weekends. Research indicates that you shouldn’t alter your sleep schedule more than +/- 1 hour from your “norm”. Doing so is about the same as subjecting yourself to a bad case of jetlag; it alters brain chemistry and leaves your brain reeling from the change.

Exercise. 20-30 minutes each day. Get out and walk. If you are good at walking, go for a run. If you can’t do either, ride a bike. If you can’t do that, lift weights. There are more ways to exercise available to than there ever have been. You can enjoy a health club membership or use a dvd at home. You can work out with expensive equipment, or go for a walk in your bare feet. Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently for 20-30 minutes every day. You will maintain and improve your physical health; and that will have a myriad of positive effects on your mental health.

Socialize. Not just online, but with people you care about and who care about you. We are hardwired to be social creatures; not indulging in that evolutionary mandate leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Giving time to be with friends and family helps to build connections and increase the presence of the “feel good” neurotransmitters in our brains.

Spiritualize. Commune with a higher power, pray to God, read from Buddha, or meditate in nature. Recognizing we are not omnipotent and admitting our flaws as humans can have a positive humbling effect. Seeking guidance in a belief system greater than our individual knowledge can offer perspective. Connecting with the religion (a system of expression spirituality) of our childhood links us to past generations. All of these can be positive factors in promoting wellness and overall emotional health.

Manage stress. There are two ways to deal with stress; avoid, deny, remove, or change the stressor; or learn to cope with it in a more effective manner. If you are feeling excess stress, identify the stressor (work for many – but even that can be more specific), and determine if you can change it or cope with it better.

Manage your moods. Moods come and go for a variety of reasons, many of which may be outside our control. What is within our control is how long we allow a negative mood to stay and fester, and at what point we choose to engage in behavior to bring about a more positive mood. If you find yourself spiraling into a negative mood that you can’t come out of, enlist the help of others (see Socialize). If they can’t help, consult with a professional.

Manage your thoughts. Much like moods, thoughts come from out of nowhere – quirky firing of neurons brought upon by something we saw out of the corner of our eye can yield the strangest of first thoughts, or impulses. Again, something we are not always consciously in control of – but just like moods, we are in control of what our next thought is, and how we choose to act on that thought.

Manage your money. While we’re talking about managing factors in life – mismanaged finances can be the greatest source of individual stress and relational discord. It’s ironic and somewhat funny how many quotes and commentaries you can find throughout history, from the ancient Greeks to the current Session of Congress and everywhere in between; how poor financial management can lead to emotional turmoil. Take care of your money, and you will be taking care of your health.

Go do something. Stretch your brain and your body. Get up from the computer and do something different. If you sit around all day, go for a walk. If you spend most evenings watching tv, read a book. If you spend your day in a cubicle, get outside in nature. If you haven’t seen something truly amazing in a while, go see the ocean, an art museum, go up to the observation deck of a skyscraper, write a book, or go volunteer in a pediatric cancer treatment center. Expand your horizons, do different things, try new things, and you will maintain the flexibility of your brain and hold on to more of your fluid intelligence longer into your years. Besides, it’s fun.

How to Turn Your Child into a Scholarship Athlete

I took my oldest daughter to the annual Father-Daughter Dance a few weeks ago. As always, it’s a wonderful and bittersweet event. Sweet, of course, in seeing her run around with her friends and timidly try to dance; bitter in that each year is a kind of marking point for her getting older and growing up. It’s a reminder to always enjoy the time I do have with her.


Par for the course, as the girls danced and gave us dads an occasional break, the soccer coach dads soon got together to discuss talent, strategy, and future prospects. Yeah, we take it pretty seriously. Once gentleman, who wasn’t “in” the group, sat and listened intently, his eyes growing bigger and brighter as we discussed and exaggerated about the skills of the more talented girls.

Eventually, as the hoopla died down, he asked; “how do I turn my daughter (3rd grade) into a scholarship athlete?

It was question I wasn’t used to answering, so I bumbled through a few ideas. And then I stewed on why I felt like such an idiot trying to answer that question. Then it came to me:

YOU CAN’T! You cannot turn your child into a scholarship athlete! It’s a combination of genetics, skills, coaching, luck, and fate that take a child from the local basketball court to the Final Four and on to the NBA. You cannot create a scholarship/professional swimmer like the good Dr. Frankenstein working in your backyard swimming pool.

I think the proliferation of the Tiger Woods story, and the stories, of most of our high-paid athletes has convinced us that all we need to do is spend all day, every day, working with our child on their sport, and they will grow up to support us with their million-dollar contract and endorsements.

It’s not going to happen like that. You can work with your son or daughter all you want, but they may not grow up to earn untold riches. But you sure can mess up their childhood and your relationship with them.

Here a few tips to help improve your relationship with your child through sports, while embracing the POSSIBILITY that they might just be the next Mia Hamm, Tiger Woods, Venus Williams, or Peyton Manning.

Don’t over-schedule them! Give them a break – kids have to play! Whether it is with Barbie Dolls at a young age, or electronics as they grow, kids need time to play; especially early on. It’s simply not fair to them to have them involved in something every night of the week, all year long, with games and travel on the weekend. We are creating small ninja-gymnast-ice skaters with the volume of activities some children are scheduled for each week; judo, karate, tai kwon do, gymnastics, hockey, baseball, soccer. And that’s just one child’s schedule!

One activity per season is generally a good rule. It will help give them the time they need to develop, and won’t stress you out and drive you crazy tying to get them from place to place.

Build their love of the game – whatever it is. If you can’t take the time to coach your child, then spend some time with them in the evenings or on the weekends playing and working with them on their basic skills. Throw the football around, go bowling, kick the soccer ball, play tennis – whatever is they are interested in. If you show more of an interest in their playing, and less about them winning, they will come to love the fun aspect of the game, and will work harder to become better.

Show up. Be the supportive parent, not the loud angry parent at games. Be present to help your kids before and after practice, but step back to let the coaches do their jobs. When it comes to came time, be supportive of your child, that’s it. There is no need to scream at other peoples kids, the refs, the coaches, etc. Think about the message you are sending your child with your behavior at their events.

Get them the 10,000 hours. Malcolm Gladwell wrote an amazing book – one of my favorites, Outliers – on what makes people successful. The most obvious fact that came out of his research was the Rule of 10,000 hours. Whether it was the Beatles, Bill Gates, or Mozart, they all had run into a fortunate opportunity in their lives to acquire 10,000 hours of practice in their area of expertise. From there, they became the best at what they do.

You can set up the situation, somewhat, for your child to accrue 10,000 hours of practice, but each one of these master’s in their area ran across an amazing amount of luck that granted them this time. You can do a little, but you can’t do it all – don’t force your child to spent 10,000 hours this year in front of a piano.

Allow them to say “No”. Your child should have the final say in whether or not they want to participate in a given activity. Don’t force it – this is a sure way to break down your relationship with them. If they want to take a season off from soccer, let them. If they are done with softball and not interested in playing ever again, that’s fine. Do not put the pressure on your children of living your sports life vicariously through them – there are plenty of adult leagues if you want to play. But let your child decide what activities best fit their personality.

Good luck. It’s not an easy job – parenting. I don’t recommend you complicate it further by putting excess pressure on yourself or your child.

The Charlie Sheen Guide to Parenting

You may have missed the rants and public implosion of the Charlie Sheen empire a few weeks ago - but surely you haven't missed your opportunity to catch him live on his My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat is Not an Option Tour this past weekend in Detroit and Chicago, or coming soon to a venue near you, have you?!




Although I am not sure what "ol' Chuck" will be talking about on tour", I have boiled down a few of his more recent ideas for your use in your parenting endeavors. I was pleased to see some parents already using these concepts on the fields of our local youth soccer program over this past weekend.



"DUH Winning!" - winning isn't just important, it is everything. It is the only thing. Win at all costs. Win not matter who the opponent is. If you are winning work harder to win some more. Sportsmanship is for 'normal people, people who aren't special'. They should have just left her in the game and let her keep scoring!



I guess for you 'normal people', teaching your children not to brag about winning, and to be a good sport is one of those things you do. I guess if you don't want to live the Charlie Sheen prescribed "rock-n-roll lifestyle", you could teach your children about it. It's a difficult boundary - you want to teach your child to work hard, have fun, and succeed; but that succeeding 'too much' is not good sportsmanship. Running up the score in real life is not favorably received.



Example - there was a young lady this weekend who scored 7 soccer goals; that's about twice as many goals as there usually are in an entire game. Even when the coach pulled her back, or had her on the sideline, the team still went on to score around 20 goals. You could tell the coach was struggling with trying to encourage his team to work hard, but he also didn't want to embarrass the other team. It's at a young age that lessons like this can be taught. Having a discussion with a 6-year old about sportsmanship can go a long way to developing a well adjusted 16-year old. How do you teach your children to be good sports? What do you say to encourage them to work hard?



Charlie would say you just don't have the "Adonis DNA" to stomach winning.



It's all about your kids "waking up one day and realizing how cool dad is!" In the book of Charlie, being cool is the rule, especially when it comes to kids. That means buying them everything they want, never saying "No", being their best friend, saying what you want when you want to them, and "you know, signing all the checks on the front" so they don't have to earn money but just have it. Do these things, and you will raise children with "tiger blood in their veins".



For the rest of you parents out there, setting boundaries, encouraging your children to earn money and possessions, and saying "No" to their sometimes irrational or egocentric requests (the ones that are pretty typical of child and adolescent development, apparently you just want to raise "normal" kids.



Finally, if you want to raise kids like Charlie Sheen, you should probably have them watch plenty of Charlie Sheen and that means at least a daily dose of that show he is on, right? While you are at it, they should probably be watching whatever else they want along those lines, too. Television today has plenty of great messages to share with your children, you don't need to monitor what they watch - they should probably have their own tv with cable or satellite access in their bedroom by around age 5. That way, they can learn all the valuable lessons of that Charlie Sheen show, and find out about the wonderful world of marketing and advertising that is available through television.



For you who don't want to be an "F-18 deploying ordnance to the ground", you might want to monitor what your kids watch, and certainly not allow them to watch that show. Find out what kinds of messages your kids are receiving from their television viewing habits. Know what the kids are watching when you're not with them, and ask them about what they watch. For every show on tv that has a Charlie Sheen message, there are other shows that offer educational and entertaining information - see The Discovery Channel or The History Channel to find out more. Also, take the television out of your kids room - watch tv as a family and discuss what you view.



Those are just a few of Charlie's tips - you can find out more on his tv show, or continue to feast on the media feeding frenzy that is his life. I am sure you can find a few hours each day of internet and news coverage. If, on the other hand, you don't agree with his tips - if you don't have Adonis DNA and tiger blood - maybe you could just turn off the tv and go for a walk with your family.