Daniel A. Franz

Parents, Talk to Your Kids

2011-08-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

Please.

Talk to them about drugs and alcohol.

Do it before I have to do it for you.

As a substance abuse and addictions specialist, this is always the time of year that worries me the most for your kids – going back to school. Every year, I see a rise in referrals for adolescent substance abuse, especially from schools that catch kids using or in possession of substances. It’s the time of year when friends reunite, stress and anxiety are on the rise, and kids look to find a new or unique way to deal with their stress. Add that to the growing pharmacy-like status of many of our local high schools, middle school, and sadly even our elementary schools, and you have a recipe for disaster.

But you can stop it before it even starts.

It starts with you talking to your child(ren) about drugs and alcohol, and your expectations.

And you can never start too early. Your 6-year-old is curious why they see messages on tv and on billboards that tell them drugs are “bad”, but that you have a beer or glass of wine at dinner. It’s OK to explain the differences between occasionally drinking, and using too much. In fact, it’s critical that you answer their questions honestly and openly, so that there is no “mystery”. Mystery causes kids to want to explore. Exploration of drugs and alcohol, at any age, can lead to trouble. But honesty and openness at home, early in your child’s life, can clear up that mystery and diffuse any need or desire to explore.

If you missed out on those conversations with your child, it is OK to start when they are a teen. It’s important that you share your expectations about their behavior when it comes to drugs and alcohol. It’s critical for you to educate them on the hazardous effects of marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, and all the other drugs that are readily available to them. Let them know that you understand the difficulties of peer pressure, but that you are there to help. Let them know that you even though you are their parent, and not their best-friend, you are still someone they can confide in. Be open and honest about your message on drugs and alcohol. If you don’t, their friends surely will. And the message they give your child may not be the message you want them to receive.

It really starts with a conversation, no matter how old your child is. If they are younger, wait for them to start the conversation. If they are older, you MUST start the conversation with them. Either way, have that conversation, talk to them about it.

Don’t leave it up to me. If they make it to my office for a conversation on drugs or alcohol, it’s not for a good reason. It’s because they were arrested. It’s because they were caught at school and expelled. Or it’s because you already found paraphernalia in their room and don’t know what to do.

You can prevent all of these outcomes by starting a conversation.

Next week, I will write more about how to keep your child safe from drugs. This week, have a conversation.

If you’re how to start that conversation, you can look through previous articles on this website, or download the upcoming free book on the new website (should be live this week). I also encourage you to take a look at www.AboveTheInfluence.com , where I am a featured writer; or www.TheAntiDrug.com , a website specially designed for parents.

Good luck.

Rules for Fair Fighting

2011-07-31T17:20:00.000-07:00

Disagreeing, arguing, debating, fighting, bickering, cold-shouldering, compromising, not compromising, call it what you will, it happens in every relationship. Fortunately.

That’s right, arguing is good for every relationship, as long as it is done “correctly” – it can improve the relationship, build consensus, and a focused shared goal in mind, as long as it doesn’t do permanent damage to the relationship.

So, everybody tap gloves, return to your respect corner, and come out swinging.

Here are the rules:

No verbal attacks. Name calling and personal insults will not solve the problem, but they will make it worse – for a long time. The person you are arguing with is NOT the “enemy”. Stick with the facts, and deal with the issue at hand. Although you may be at odds with each other during an argument, you and your partner are still a team. By not saying anything personally insulting you are safeguarding the interests of both of you for the future, rather than trying to win and score points personally.

Own your own feelings – also known as “no YOU statements”. “You” statements are the beginning of a personal attack, and often leave the other person defensive, resulting in another stalemate. What works better is making statements like “I feel …….. when you ……”. This shares the situation from your perspective, states your side of the argument, and is much easier for your partner to hear. Most importantly, it lets your partner know how their actions and behavior impact you – which brings you closer, helps build connection, and can lead to true understanding.

Stick to the point. No disagreement gets solved when ALL the disagreements and injustices from the past two years are brought in to the argument. Stick to the issue at hand, work through to a solution, and then let last year’s issues stay in last year until you have time to focus on it exclusively – you may find that you don’t need to bring it back up, but only use it for “ammunition” in other arguments. That’s cheating. When you focus on only one topic at a time, you can work to a solution and move on; but bringing up multiple old issues or injustices only drags the disagreement out, and will only end in a stalemate.

Be honest. Both partners have to commit to being honest and to the point in a disagreement. Nothing gets solved if you are avoiding the truth, only to let the issues surface again later. Be honest in taking responsibility for your flaws in the situation, and be honest in what you need or are asking for.

Know the difference between “Solvable Problems” and “Perpetual Problems”. Solvable problems like Who Takes Out the Trash and Where are We Spending the Holidays have a solution that can eventually be identified and agreed upon. Perpetual problems like She’s Christian but I’m Atheist or How Much Intimacy is Not Enough don’t have such an easy solution, but may be more emotionally charged. Perpetual problems take more time, care, and attention, and might benefit from professional intervention. Read more about Perpetual Problems in Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Keep it private. Not in front of the kids, or the neighbors, or with friends. It only makes the problem worse.

Keep it brief. Again, you are disagreeing with a friend, partner, or spouse; not an enemy. There is no logical reason to keep it going for days, unless your objective is to punish the one you care about.

Silent treatment / withholding affection & intimacy. Also cheating in a “fair fight”. This prolongs the disagreement, and makes for a new disagreement later on.

Time out. Even boxers get a time out every few minutes. If the argument gets too heated, or if there isn’t a solution in sight, it’s time to take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a 30 minute, or a 30 hour, break to cool down and think through the situation. Saying something like “This is too heated, can we talk about it in an hour?”, or “let’s get back to this tomorrow”, will help preserve the relationship, and give each side a chance to calm down and think through the situation.

Short, sweet, and to the point; not just this list, but also how your disagreements should be handled.

YOU - The Operator's Manual

2011-07-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

“To know oneself is to study oneself…” –Bruce Lee

“Know Thyself” – Socrates

The concept of paying attention to yourself, your thinking, your attitudes, your beliefs, and everything else about YOU is an idea that has been echoed by philosophers and deep thinkers throughout recorded time.

Last week, I wrote about how this one aspect of introspection is helpful in understanding and realizing the meaning in your life.

So how do you do it? It’s easier than you think. Here are a few ways you can the start the process of figuring out the complexities that are YOU.

Breathe

Did you know the act of the breathing is the ONLY biological process that is both automatic AND under our control? Breathing takes care of itself when we are not paying attention to it, but we can also bring it under our conscious control when we want. The act of attending to our breathing and altering it can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

Taking 10-20 minutes each day to engage in deep breathing exercises can relieve anxiety, fight depression, and improve overall health. Deep breathing, meditation, and vocal toning can also give us those few minutes each day to look deeper within ourselves. The fast and simple explanation to do this: sit in a quiet place, set a simple timer that will wake you gently, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose for 7 seconds, breath out through your mouth for 8 seconds, repeat until timer goes off. It’s not easy at first, but it will get easier, as it does you will experience some interesting improvements.

For more on deep breathing and meditation, check out my friend, Sam Boys, book An Ancient Sound for the Present Moment , and look for his new tunes on this site in the next few weeks.

Think

Thinking, somewhat like breathing, can be unconscious or automatic, as well as conscious and focused. Very often, sometimes too often, our unconscious thoughts, those that are the result of everything we take in around us, all the stimulation we experience both known and unknown, are the main focus of our conscious minds. When these unconscious thoughts spend too time in the forefront of our minds, we can experience confusions, disorientation, frustration, and a myriad of other negative experiences.

The answer; spend time in conscious thought. Pay attention to those things going on in your head. Look at what kind of unconscious stimulation enters your mind through the forces, of advertising, marketing, and all the other “noise” that goes on around us. Ponder the questions about YOU:

Who am I? What do / don’t I believe? Why do don’t I believe? Where have I been? What have I experienced? Where am I going? What do I want to accomplish? What is my legacy? Where do I want to be in 5 years? What am I doing to get there? How do my beliefs help me? How do my beliefs hinder me?

There are a lot more to ask yourself, but if you start with these, you might be interested to find out where these questions take you.

Read

Turn off the continual stream of unconscious information entering in to your brain through television, radio, and internet, and focus on a conscious decision to put some particular, specific, and conscious information in your head. Take an active part in what goes in to your mind by doing the work of reading, and stop the flow of passive information – what other people want you to think – for a short time.

Even better, challenge yourself in your reading. If you find through “Thinking”, that you have a particular set of ideas, beliefs, or attitudes, read something that challenges them. If you want to learn more about yourself, pay attention to how you react to information that may differ from what you believe to be true. Are you Christian? Check out some of Richard Dawkins' work like The God Delusion. Evolutionary Theorist or Darwinist? Check out Stephen C. Meyer’s Signature in the Cell: DNA and the Evidence for Intelligent Design. Not sure what you believe yet, take a look at Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything.

Whatever you decide to read, read. Take a look at all the information that enters into your mind from outside sources without your knowledge or will, and make a conscious effort to put something else in there. For more on that idea, I recommend Morgan Spurlock’s upcoming release POM Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.

There are many, many ways to learn about yourself. There are many, many more ways the outside world conspires to keep you from it. You have a choice. You can choose to consciously grow in a direction you design and implement; or you can grow in a way that Facebook, Fox, MSNBC, Coke, Pepsi, Nike, McDonald’s, et al. want you to grow.

(Disclaimer: all links in this article are Amazon affiliate links. If you make a purchase using any of these links, Amazon pays A New Direction Counseling a percentage of the sale.)

The Meaning of Life

2011-07-18T04:46:00.001-07:00

I think I had it figured out. I had the Meaning of Life in the palm of my hands, or in some deep recesses of my brain. And, of course, like all fleeting flashes of brilliance, it disappeared just as easily as it had appeared.

I don’t have the meaning of life ready for you today, but I’ve got some ideas that might help you figure it out for yourself.

I’ve been struck many of times over the past few weeks to evaluate and re-evaluate my life; who I am, what I do, where I am going.

Big birthdays, important anniversaries, family reunions, get-togethers with friends - just a few things that can cause you to stop to take notice.

It caused me to take some time to ponder some deep questions.

Sadly, it never ceases to amaze me how many people I know who say they don’t have time for that in their week. That life is too busy to take time for themselves. I used to feel sad for those people, until I realized I was one of them.

A famous philosopher once said something along the lines of, “an unexamined life is not worth living”…

Actually, it’s been quite a few philosophers, poets, writers, scientists, and psychologists who have said something along these lines over the past few thousand years of recorded history.

I think they may be on to something. And I think in our age of multiple distractions and plentiful “apps” to take you your time, we may be missing out on the simple act of spending time with our selves.

Do you take the time to think about your life?

Do you think about where you are, where you’ve been, and almost as importantly, where you are going?

Regardless of your religious, spiritual, political, or ethical beliefs, there is a lot of benefit to examining who you are, what you do, what you think and believe, WHY you think and believe, and where you are going.

Have you taken the time to do that lately?

Do you know how to go about the process?

I want to leave you this week with just the idea of taking some time to think about yourself, whatever that might mean to you. I am hopeful that just in drawing attention to the idea, maybe you will be attentive to whether or not you do it, and just how much time you might give to it. Take some time, even if it is only a few minutes each day, to think about YOU. Who are you? Where do you come from? Who are you today? Does it match who you thought you would be? Does it fit who you want to be? Are you “happy”? Just what the heck does “happy” mean?

There are a lot of questions you can ask yourself.

In the next article, I will share with you some other ideas in introspection and why it’s good for you.

Overcoming Adversity - Women's Style

2011-07-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

I was fully prepared to share with you the “Meaning of Life” and all the extraneous information that goes along with solving that Great Mystery – I think I got it all figured out. But then the United States Women’s Soccer Team entered into my life and changed all that.

Actually, I’ve been paying fairly close attention to the team lately, as the Women’s World Cup has been happening in Germany over the past few weeks. It’s a pretty big deal. As a part-time soccer coach for young girls, I feel like it’s a REALLY big deal. I understand if you are not as excited. Not everyone gets in to the sport, but they have some pretty amazing lessons to share.

Did you see yesterday’s game?! It was pretty phenomenal. This National team has something to share with all of us about overcoming adversity.

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the team’s performance, and we will see what applies to the rest of us.

Within the first two minutes the Women’s Team scored on Brazil, a formidable foe – a soccer great. This is a virtually unheard of feat. In a game where 1-0 is a sufficient final score, our team was already up on the opponent with 88 minutes to go in the game.

Of course, things changed. Although, it didn’t happened until well into the second half. For 45 minutes, the entire first half, the team prevented the Brazilian’s from scoring with hard work and tenacity. For those of you doing the math, these women sprint the field back-and-forth, up-and-down, for 90 minutes total; most of them play the entire game. Physical and mental fitness is a prerequisite.

Around the 70th minute, well into the second half, and almost within reach of the prize – moving on to the semifinals – the Brazilian’s scored on a series that will be contested for quite a while. In all honesty, it was garbage. The referees banished one of the American players from the game on a “questionable” call, and awarded a free shot on goal to the opposition. The room was tense. The American’s would have to play the rest of the game with one less player as consequence for the foul she committed, and the Brazilian’s were awarded with a free shot at the goal.

The Brazilian player stood in front of the ball, staring through it and looking to intimidate the American goalie. The American goalie warmed up, jumped, danced, and attempted to prognosticate where the shot was going to go. The Brazilian player struck the ball. It zoomed towards the right upper corner. The American goalie dove skyward towards to point of attack and punched the ball out of range – IT WAS A SAVE!!!

BUT WAIT….. NOOOOO! ANOTHER BAD CALL!!! The referee decided that the American goalie had moved to early awarded the Brazilian’s another attempt at a free score!! Another botched call!!! (not my words, but even the objective foreign announcers!) The American goalie had saved the day, but now she had to face her foe again, on a call that was quite obviously WRONG and UNFAIR.

Of course, the Brazilian striker achieved the next goal.

Game tied 1-1.

The game goes into overtime, as so many of our struggles in life do.

Minutes in to overtime, The Brazilians score on what seems to be ANOTHER BAD CALL (again, admitted by the objective commentator, AS WELL as the group this writer was watching with). The American Team just can’t catch a break. They are working harder than the other team, they are doing more, but nothing is going their way.

Game score 2-1, in favor of the opposition. America’s hopes of advancing to the semi-finals seems all but hopeless. The first half of overtime is finished. The Women of the American team have been sprinting for 105 minutes of intense battle. They continue on into the 2nd half of overtime. They do battle for 14 ½ minutes of extra-effort; for a total of 119 ½ minutes of sprinting, juking, dribbling, and shooting. By now, it seems hopeless. The hope for another World Cup Championship (our first since 1999) are all but over. The announcers know it to be true, the fans know it to be true, and the crowd at the stadium know it to be true.

Apparently, the United States Women’s National Soccer Team didn’t think it was true. They played on.

With less the 30 seconds to go in the game, the women running doggedly around the field, trying to break through the defense of the opposition, they FINALLY come up with THE PLAY!!! From across the field the striker hopefully blasts the ball into scoring position and YES it is headed into the goal by another AMERICAN PLAYER!!! GOAL!!!!!!! The crowd erupts!! THE GAME IS TIED!!! Less than seconds to go and the Americans have rescued their hopes from the ashes of defeat!!! It is a finale to defy the ages!!

Of course, there is more to come. With the score tied, the opponent and, apparently, the referees , out to see their demise, the American Women enter a shoot-out. One on one, shooter against goalie. One by one, the American’s shoot at the Brazilian goalie and score. One by one, the Brazilian shooters strike at the American goalie and score. All except one. In a brilliant display of individual effort, the American goalie forecasts where the shooter will try to place the ball, she lunges out to deflect and makes just enough contact to push away from the goal. The American Women WIN THE GAME IN A SHOOT OUT!!!!!

One of the most spectacular wins in any sport. Ever. Did you see it? It’s OK, not many people did. The team moves on to the Semi-Finals this Wednesday. But more importantly, their victory has a lot to do with you.

Have you ever fought a battle against insurmountable odds?

Have you ever felt like, no matter how hard you tried, no matter what you did was met with resistance from not only the foreseeable opponent, but also from opposition far outside your control?

Did you ever feel like even the authority figures in your life who are supposed to make things “fair” are out to get you?

Did you ever feel like no matter how hard you sprint, how hard you trained, how hard you worked, that you weren’t going to be victorious?

Did you come through to victory? Did you win?

Battles like this happen in each of our lives every day. Our training, our planning, the work we do, and the support we have in our team; all factors in what pulls us through.

If you feel your life is out of control and you can’t get it back on track, there is hope.

If you feel your marriage is unable to be saved; that you can’t work hard enough to make it right, it can improve.

If you think your situation is impossible to overcome, that you cannot achieve victory, you are wrong. You can pull victory out of the clutches of defeat. The American Women’s National Soccer Team has shown us tenacity and grace in the jaws of futility. Emulate that tenacity and grace in your life.

Hope is THE factor that can pull us through. Combine hope, belief, and faith with a tenacity to see the situation through to victory and YOU WILL win.

Find your hope. Do the hard work of training. Find your team.

See yourself through to victory.

After watching that game, I believe it may be as simple as that.

If you need help, there are plenty of ‘coaches’ out there. If you need a team, there are people who are willing to work with you. Don’t do it alone.

Photo Credit : AP image / Jens Meyer

Independence Day Every Day

2011-07-04T05:29:00.001-07:00

Barbeques, fireworks, back-yard bashes, friends and family – today we celebrate the gift our forefathers gave us with their blood, sweat, and hard work.

Because of their bravery, struggles, and sacrifice, we have been blessed with the ideal of equality, and that we have be endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

And because of the hard work and dedication of the men and women of our Armed Forces, we are afforded the opportunity to exercise these rights, responsibilities, and freedoms every day.

How do you exercise your independence every day? Do you allow yourself the freedom to make the choices, or are you taxed by your own history, or past poor decisions?

Do you live your life according to an understanding of your self, and who you are; or are you burdened by the circumstances of your past, your childhood, or your family?

Are you living an active and healthy lifestyle, or are you taxed by excess weight and unhealthy eating habits?

Do you enjoy the freedom and blessing of a rewarding and enjoyable career, or are you bogged down with “having to go work” and stressed with the idea of returning to work for The Boss after every holiday?

Are you free to feel, act, and think in healthy and creative ways, or are you taxed by depression, anxiety, stress, or over-medication?

The list could go on; but it is up to you to consider. Do you enjoy the blessings our forefathers fought to bestow upon us in every way you can, or are there areas that you could improve? Just as the Patriots of the American Revolution fought to improve their lives and their situations, it is up to you today do to the same thing.

America, We have a Problem

2011-06-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

…And by the looks of it, it is out of control. Sadly, this graphic is not a surprise to me. I see the repercussions of this situation all too often. It is a huge frustration, and a constant source of extra work I have to do in my office before I am able to truly help someone.

Let me tell you a little bit about what this chart represents, and why it’s a problem. Take a closer look here, as you might not catch all the details.

As you can see at the top, in the year this data represents, 2009; “doctors wrote more psychiatric prescriptions than there are people in this country.” Apparently, we all need a pill to set our minds right.

On the lower left, you will notice that $4.5 billion was spent on pharmaceutical advertising in 2009. $4.5 BILLION!!! Why do you think that is? It is estimated that the alcohol industry ‘only’ spends an estimated $750 million each year. If these drugs are meant to be selected and offered only in very specific situations, why should they be marketed so heavily? SO YOU WILL BUY THEM.

If you look to the right of the chart, you see the list of what these substances are meant to treat – EACH ONE of those diagnoses have been found through empirical scientific research to respond best with a COMBINATION of medication and some form of talk therapy (except fibromyalgia, which has pain management therapy), but how many of the people receiving these prescriptions receive a referral for the help they require to get better?

In fact, anxiety, depression, “panic”, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD can reach a point of improvement through psychotherapy, within a relatively short amount of time; less than 1 year in most cases, that medication CAN BE DISCONTINUED. Yet, all too often patients are kept on medication far past a year, long after the positive effects have lost their strength.

The facts that really drive me up the wall, the ideas that really just push my buttons and just tick me off: the three substances used for “A” and “P” – anxiety and panic. If you are being treated for these diagnoses, or know somebody who is, please take a moment to read my rant on it.

Anxiety and panic disorder medications – Xanax, Ativan, and Valium are CONTRA-INDICATED for the treatment of anxiety and panic disorders. That means they have been proven NOT to work time and time again. So much so, that not only can you find it in medical, psychiatric, and psychological journals, but in undergraduate level textbooks – the one form of documentation slowest to change! All the research and teaching states that these medications DO NOT WORK to treat anxiety and panic, so why are they two out of the top three mediations prescribed nationally?!

Panic and anxiety are best treated using a variety of thought changing techniques to alter patterns of behavior and the client’s anxious/panic reactions. Have you ever tried one of these substances? For most people, it is difficult to HAVE a thought while under the influence of these, much less work on changing thoughts. These substances act by numbing the entire central nervous system, brain to spinal cord, often freeing the patient from anxiety by making them unconscious, or so sleepy they can’t think straight. This is not a “treatment”, it is knocking the person out so that they don’t worry.

Just like any substance we use over extended periods of time, our body builds up a tolerance to these substances. The effectiveness at the begin doseage wears off, so that the patient needs more to have the same effect. Over years, this becomes extremely dangerous, and has the potential to turn in to addiction.

There are so many “other” and “better” opportunities to help these situations, we don’t have to be a nation of drug users.

If you are receiving medication for any of the concerns listed on this chart, make sure you are talking to your doctor about when to get off the medication – none of these should be a life-sentence. Better yet, if you or anyone you know is taking these meds, talk about the idea of getting help outside of the pill.

Are You Striving or Status Quo?

2011-06-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

We can get pretty caught up in our classification of each other from time to time – race, culture, age, gender, occupation, cheese pizza or supreme.

On any given day, I can lump all of humanity into just two catergories:

The Strivers and The Status Quo.

The Status Quo can typically be found on the couch, playing video games, complaining about work while not doing anything to improve it. They have a vast collection of movies, DVR’d shows, Netflix channels, and satellite tv stations, all existing on one gargantuan media center (“television”).

Strivers are characterized by constantly moving about from project to project, idea to idea, and having far more goals than they can achieve. They can be overheard loudly talking about their last great adventure, business venture, or night out, or they are planning their next one. They are often defined as “ADHD” or “Type A”.

The funny thing is, we are all BOTH Strivers and Status Quo. I guess I am wrong to characterize these as categories – not very therapist-like of me – they are more like two ends of a spectrum:

Striving……………………..Middle…………………………Status Quo

As I think about it, we all seem to fluctuate back and forth on. Just like any spectrum, going too far to one extreme and staying there for too long can be dangerous or unhealthy. Never moving from a particular spot on the spectrum can boring for you, and tiring some for those around you.

So where are you on that spectrum? Where are you today, where are you this year, and where do you WANT to be on it?

What are you going to do about it?

Me, I love striving. I’m a big fan of getting out there and DOING something with my family, my health, and my career. Racing, hiking, writing, DOING things. New things, different things, setting goals and moving forward. But I sure do enjoy falling into the couch to play a good round of mindless video games for an hour or two (3….maybe 4… hopefully never more than 4….). And I have NO PROBLEMS hanging up the hammock and disappearing into it for a few hours, if I’m allowed to.

I am, by no means, perfectly balanced in this spectrum. I find myself going to far to either end from time to time, and it takes a bit of encourage to find my way back. The important thing is to find your way back. To set some goals, but allow time to relax.

How do you manage this see-saw?

If you need help Striving, check out the works of Seth Godin and Hugh MacLeod, two of my favorites over the past few years.

If you need help relaxing with the Status Quo, there is no better teacher than “The Dude”, the anti-hero from The Big Lebowski who sparked an entire ‘religion’ around relaxing.

Where ever you find yourself on the spectrum on any given day, I hope it suits you. If it doesn’t, do something to change it. If you can’t do something about it, talk to somebody who can help you do something about it.

How Do You Feel Love?

2011-06-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

Several weeks ago, The Terminator inspired a few articles on preserving, protecting, and improving your marriage. This week, I wanted to share with you one final resource in that work. This book and Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work that I wrote about last week sit side-by-side in my office, as they go together very well to prevent marriage difficulties, or to help solve them when they arise.

Gary Chapman has written several helpful books for couples, families, and parents based on the same principle, The Five Love Languages. These are EXTREMELY helpful books to take a look at before marriage, during the good times or rough times of marriage, and when it comes to raising children.

I will share with you the basic premises of the book, but I encourage you to pick up a copy and keep it on hand as a reference throughout your family life.

The basic premise is that we all have a “love bank” or bucket that our spouses or family members either deposit into or make withdrawals from. Making frequent deposits results in an abundant, happy, and healthy family life and marriage; too many withdrawals and your account will be overdrawn.

The trick from Chapman’s point of view is that we all experience and express love in different ways based upon our family of origin, what we were taught about love, our personal preferences, and a host of other variables. If we express love in a way that is different from the way our spouse feels love, then we have a disconnect – even though you might be trying your hardest to express your love, your spouse might not feel it, because they experience love in a “different language”.

The goal then is to understand what language both you and your spouse (or children) feel and experience love, and how to step outside what may be your normal expression of love to meet their needs.

Fortunately, the Chapman books break this down into FIVE easy to understand ‘love languages’, and provide a few different inventories to see which language is yours.

His five love languages are:

- Words of Affirmation – giving and receiving words of kindness and encouragement

- Quality Time – not just spending time together, but being fully present

- Receiving Gifts – as simple as it sounds, but hard to get right

- Acts of Service helping out, finishing the ‘honey-do’ list, making the coffee

- Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, high-fives, intimacy

Looking at these written here, they appear very basic, almost simple to do. But it’s not always that easy. It takes hard work and insight for us to understand our significant others primary love language, and then a committed effort to act in that manner to express our affection.

If you can identify your primary love language, and your spouses, you are half way there. But it takes time and perseverance to learn how to express your love in a way they will feel it most. Keep at it. If you need a little help, I highly recommend taking a look at the book, and reviewing it as much as possible.

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work - A Review

2011-06-06T05:35:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it only takes seven steps?

This is not my title, not my idea, but that of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They have been researching couples, their communication, and relationships for quite a while now. I’ve enjoyed the Gottman collection of works in my own married life for quite a while, and I have prescribed this particular volume for most couples I work with. Not only is it a great reference with empirically based suggestions, but it also works to give us a common language to discuss common difficulties most couples are confronted with at some point.

I wanted to introduce this work to you in more depth and share some of it’s teachings. You can use some of these as a defense against issues getting worse, or you can use them to work your way out of relationship pitfalls. If these concepts resonate with you, click on the link and pick up a copy for yourself, or for someone you think might benefit from it.

The Seven Principles are fairly basic, but require a consider amount of work to put into place. Therefore, each one comes with a list of suggested exercise to engage in.

I will warn you, as I do everyone I recommend this book to, the first three chapters can be quite abysmal and depressing. They highlight Gottman’s technique for “predicting divorce” and suggest several obstacles, or “The Four Horsemen”, of relationship destruction. If you can get past these first three and digest what they have to offer, then begin the exercises, you will be well on your way.

Principle One is “Enhance Your Love Maps”; or what I like to think of as getting to know each other again, and again, and again. It is amazing how relationships change over the course of years. What might be even more amazing is the amount of people who don’t expect them to change and are blindsided by it. We need to continually get to know our significant other through talking, dating, and engaging in connecting activities. There is a great exercise at the end of this chapter that simply involves asking each other questions and finding out what you don’t know about your spouse.

Principal Two is about continuing to grow closer, and is titled Nurture Your Fondness and admiration. This principal offers steps to continue to build appreciation in your relationship so that it doesn’t face too much challenge. It is really about looking deeply to find what you like, admire, and appreciate about your significant other.

Principal Three suggests that we Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away. Another, more common way to state this is to WORK WITH your partner, rather than against. But in the daily struggles and trials of work, relationships, parenting, etc; it can be very difficult to engage in that behavior consistently. This principal suggests we think of our relationship as having an “emotional bank account” (a common concept in marriage books and theory) that we must continually make more deposits than withdrawals.

Principal Four, a tough one for us men, is to Let Your Partner Influence You. This concept suggests that we continue to increase our connectedness, admiration, appreciation, and emotional bank account simply by allowing ourselves to be influenced by our spouses thoughts and feelings, especially when it comes to critical decisions.

Principals Five and Six get right to the heart of most problems – conflict, disagreement, discord – whatever you want to call it, these two principals deal with identifying a relationships “Solvable Problems” and determining how to “Overcome Gridlock” of those problems that may not be solvable. If you find yourself able to do these two things well in your relationship, you are ahead of the game. If not, these two chapters will be worth their weight in gold.

Finally, Principal Seven, the ‘fun’ Principal, is about “Creating Shared Meaning” in your relationship. In order for a relationship to continue to be healthy and to flourish, the people in the relationship need to share commons goals and meaning in their individual lives, and as a couple. This final part of the book offers suggestions on what to do to get to that shared meaning.

I find myself ‘prescribing’ this book more and more lately. Therefore, I thought it might be helpful if I offered a synopsis on why I have found it so helpful, and why so many couple I have worked with have benefitted from it.

This can be a great resource to prevent certain pitfalls in relationships, and even more so, can help you get out of trouble spots when they occur. If you think you might benefit, if there is the slightest tinge in the back of your mind, I highly encourage you to pick up a copy.

You can find out more about the book, or order your copy here:

6 Steps to Talk Through Your Problems

2011-05-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

In my last article I talked about all those important relationship issues that need to be addressed through the course of a relationship – money, chores, sex, children, work, play… the list goes on and on. Agreeing to spend even a minute bit of time with another person requires agreement, compromise, and understanding of expectations. Committing to spending your life with another person requires any exponentially greater amount of these qualities.

How do you get there?

Communication. Healthy, positive, effective communication focused on working through issues and coming to agreement, even if the agreement is simply to peacefully disagree.

So if your communication isn’t quite healthy, positive, and effective, here are a few tips taken right out of the texts for Counseling 101, Couples 201, and Don’t Drive Your Significant Other Crazy 401 (advanced class).

These are all fairly basic tips that are easy to implement. However, in our modern times, they have seemed to diminish considerably in our interactions with each other. Try these in your next disagreement/argument/discussion.

Turn off the tv, put down the paper, close your laptop, put your phone out of reach. The bottom line here is to put away any distractions and focus intently on what the other person has to say. This goes for your spouse, significant other, coworkers, and even your children. If you are going to take the time to enter into a discussion with someone, do it wholeheartedly.

Eye contact. Let the person know you are paying attention by looking at them – this is considerably easier when you adhere to tip #1.

Listen. Who ever thought one word could be so hard? It is though. We are hard-wired to be selfish, self-centered, and self-serving people; it’s part of our survival mechanisms. But when we enter in to a conversation with another person, it is vital to focus on what they are saying; even when other things pop into our head. Usually, you can expect a full range of thoughts to come into your head, like “what should I get at the grocery store, did the Cubs win, what’s for dinner, I can solve that problem…”; the list goes on, I’m sure. Of course, the big obstacle to listening is thinking about what you are going to say next – a huge communication breaker. The goal here is to shut down that list, or the part of your brain ready to answer back, and to focus intently on what the other person is trying to say to you, WITHOUT thinking about outside issues, or what you want to say next. One simple word, “LISTEN”, but so hard to do.

Minimal Encouragers. These are little cues you give to indicate that you are listening – it helps to make sure you are listening first; but the natural head nods, “uh-huh’s”, and “hmmm’s” will indicate to the other person that you are paying attention. It helps them to keep going in the discussion, and it will help you focus on what they are saying.

Paraphrase for meaning. This is another great way to trick yourself into listening better – make sure you are hearing what the other person is saying by asking; “so you are saying……”, or “what I heard you say is…….”. This may not be natural at first, but it gets easier the more you try it. It will also validate what the person is saying and let them know you really get what they are trying to communicate. One more thing, doing this sarcastically, with a negative tone, or in an angry way will have the exact opposite effect it is intended to have.

Don’t Problem solve – Validate. OK, this is where that “advanced class” comes in. This is probably the toughest but most important part of communicating. Unfortunately, for us men, we seem to be set-up through evolution and industry to think we have to SOLVE every problem put before us. Don’t worry, ladies, you are developing the same tendency. We all need to stop trying to solve each other’s problems, and work harder to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings if we want to improve communication and our relationships.

What does it mean to validate someone else’s feelings or thoughts? It is simply the act of understanding, or showing empathy for how that person feels. You don’t have to agree with them, but just understanding them goes a long way in letting them know you listened. This can be accomplished with several of the tips above, or by simply echoing their feelings as you heard them; “that must have been frustrating”, “that sounds like a really exciting moment,” “wow, you must have been nervous”. These are all examples of how you can validate someone else’s feelings.

The next time you are entering in to an important conversation with a loved one, focus on using these techniques to make the discussion more healthy, productive, and effective. Try hard to hear them, and work to validate their feelings, rather than solve their problems.

Save Your Family from "The Terminator"

2011-05-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

Sigh… here we go again. One more high-profile story of infidelity and the havoc it causes in a marriage, in a family, and for the individuals involved. Infidelity is much like addiction in that it doesn’t affect only the individuals involved, but ripples through the lives of the family and community for a considerably longer amount of time than it takes for the act to occur.

It’s devastating.

As a person, I am sad for the people involved. I am sad for the children who are learning unhealthy behaviors and attitudes from unhealthy role models. I am sad for the spouse left behind. I am sad for the spouse who committed the act, and the guilt that will follow them. I am sad for those individuals who will be affected indefinitely in a myriad of ways.

As a man, I’m sick of my peers making bad decisions. We are expected to be the rock on which our family is built, the cornerstone. We are expected to be bastions of morale thinking and doing the ‘right thing’. Decisions like this skew those expectations for everyone. The rest of us have to pick up the slack for your bad decisions, guys.

As a therapist, I am convinced that marriages can avoid these situations with some degree of work and investment. I also know that, should these situations occur, a marriage can heal; but it does take more work and investment.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and concepts for protecting your marriage and family, avoiding infidelity or divorce, and healing from difficult times when they do occur.

The first one may be one of the simplest, but one of the more difficult to take care of – managing expectations.

Misaligned or ‘out-of-whack’ expectations can be the cause of considerable hurt, frustration, and resentment. Whether it’s where you will be going for the holidays, where the money goes, who does the dishes and who mows the long, how to discipline the kids, or how often you engage in intimacy; each topic has the potential to explode into a major disagreement if you are not both on the same page.

Avoiding these disagreements is often as simple as talking about them and coming to an agreement before negative emotions build. But that isn’t always that simple – honestly who wants to talk about dishes of all things? And how many of us are really all that comfortable talking about SEX? Even though sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship, just as critical as money, and who takes care of the bills, it’s not always that easy to discuss.

The fact remains, sex, and all of these topics need to be discussed. As do many more.

If you are able to come to an agreement on important topics in your marriage before they become an “issue”, you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a great service in avoiding conflict and hurt feelings.

Take some time to open up a discussion on these concepts. If you struggle to talk about them, find a good resource to help you through it.

Next week, I will be writing about having the discussion using the basic foundations of communication. I look forward to hearing how your discussion works out.

Choose Your Race

2011-05-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

Can you believe we are almost five whole months in to the year 2011?

It’s been almost five months since we talked about those darned “New Year’s Resolutions” and all the changes to put into our lives as a result of the calendar changing over.

So how are you doing with that?

Have you achieved that goal, have you accomplished that resolution?

Are you looking for something new and exciting to try – a “Mid Year’s Resolution?” Or are you just annoyed that I am even asking the question?

If you are celebrating a success – if you lost the weight, or gave up the cigarettes, or wrote the book, or spent more time with your family, or changed your career, or got the degree, or whatever it is you accomplished; AWESOME!!!! Good for you! Congratulations!!!

If you are annoyed with me for writing about it, or with yourself for not doing it, what do you want to do about it?

There are quite a few tools sitting around my website to help you out with that – and a few more will be available once the website is updated in a few weeks.

But, until then, try this:

Make a decision to change something

Utilize SMALL, incremental steps

Add in some accountability from others

Achieve success.

The equation is that simple. How will you put it in to practice?

As for me, as I write this, I am wrapping up all the hard work and training needed to run a long race. Once you receive this, I will be recovering from that long run, and planning the next outlandish goal for the year.

What about you?

What’s your race this year?

It's Time to Man Up!

2011-05-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

This article could also be called, “What Do You Mean You’re Leaving Me With the Kids?!” Thanks to my wife for inspiring this article by leaving on Friday, and taking the weekend away. Happy (day after) Mother’s Day to her and all the mom’s out there. Thank you for everything you do.

Alright guys, it’s time to step up and man up.

Too many of us our relinquishing our responsibility as “men”, “fathers”, and “husbands” in exchange for video games, beer, hunting, sports, or any other extracurricular activities.

Too many of us are using “Work” as an excuse to avoid being at home, to avoid taking responsibility for our families.

Things need to change; we have to start doing better. Those who are working hard to do the right thing are having a hard time carrying the weight of those who aren’t. It’s making everyone look bad.

This is the game of your life; and only your marriage, your children, your livelihood, and your future weigh in the balance. It’s time to step up and get involved in all these aspects of your life. If you don’t, something else will fill the void you leave in the life of your kids, or in your marriage, or in your future.

I’ve shared a great website here before that covers a myriad of manly topics – www.TheArtofManliness.com has covered date night, top books for men, shaving techniques, workouts, dress codes, and a ton of other topics over the past few months. It has a considerable cache of great manly info, I encourage you to check it out. In this article, I am going to talk about the manly art of…… Spending Time with The Kids!!!!!

If you are spending enough time with them, and those who have an outside few and important opinion (mom) agree, great! Keep it up. If you are not, and you’re not sure what to do, here are a few tips. If you are not sure what “enough” is, I will tell you what I do. I aim for at least an hour every weekday – homework time, coaching time, play time – whatever I can work in to our busy schedules. Then the goal is for us to spend most of the weekend together doing something fun and character building (for them AND me), because that’s what families do more weekends than not. That’s what we signed up for when we had kids.

Teach them something. Every time the oil in the cars gets changed, my daughters help. I’m pretty sure they could change it themselves at this young age. Cleaning the house is a team effort, so it gets done quicker and they learn how to take care of things. Same for cleaning their room – although not as easy to be as active in that part of teaching – we do try to make it a team effort in order to teach. Let’s face it, not many eight year-olds know what it means to “clean up” unless they are taught and it is role modeled for them. Life is full of teaching opportunities. You don’t have to look very hard.

Show them your favorite hobby. Hard work deserves its reward. I’m a huge fan of doing anything outdoors. I appreciate the opportunities to go camping or hiking with friends – we all need time away. But it’s just as much fun to take the family camping, or to take my girls hiking. We just picked up a new GPS unit so that we can do more geocaching together. Whatever your hobby share it with your kids. If you don’t have any hobbies, develop or redevelop some. Check out the fun of geocaching at www.geocaching.com , or you can take a look at the app on your smartphone. Magellan has put out a new series of very basic starter units that you can pick up for a reasonable price. Nothing says “manly” like mixing tech and the outdoors, using our billion dollar satellite system to find piece of Tupperware in the woods.

Coach them. This is right in line with teaching them, but requires a bit more focus and research on our part. Are they in a sport you don’t know much about? Learn it. Do they play your favorite sport? Step up and coach the team – I know most kids leagues are always looking for qualified coaches. Whether you were an Olympic athlete in the sport, or just found out about it, you are qualified to coach because you are a Dad. There are plenty of resources available online or at your library to learn the sport and how to coach it. If you are not able to dedicate the time to a full season of coaching, take the time every weekend to support the team by working with your child in the yard – throw the ball, shoot some hoops, kick the soccer ball, hit the puck around – do something. Be active. Be a part of their interests.

Do something THEY like to do. This is not always easy, but one of the most “manly” things you can do. I can’t tell you how many times of tried to play Polly Pockets or Barbie or My Loving Family. It’s more fun when the gigantic Barbie comes to raid the Polly Pocket village, but that doesn’t always work for my girls. What does work is letting them take the lead, I just get to be a witness to their play, and they like that. We have been able to find some common ground with Legos. Whatever it is your child likes to do, try to be a part of it. It can be rewarding for your, but immensely rewarding for them.

Give her some away time. All of these suggestions have been aimed at this point – Mom needs time away. It doesn’t have to be two weeks in Hawaii, although that might be nice, but it could just be a few hours with you and the kids out of the house, or just letting her get out for a cup of coffee with friends, or even get away for the weekend. Just as we need, and deserve, our evenings or weekends with the guys; mom needs that too. Just as much, you need time with the kids – it’s not always easy, but neither is parenting. The point is that you do it. Start putting the time in, you will get better at it, and it will get easier as you go.

Hopefully you did something nice for mom yesterday. Now, what are you going to do with the kids this week, and next weekend, and the week after that, and during the summer? It’s not just one day. Being a dad is a full time job. It’s more than a full time job. So get to work.

What You MUST Know to Get Through the Month

2011-05-02T04:39:00.001-07:00

By now, if you’ve been reading this website fairly regularly, you know I’m a pretty big fan of the Psychology Today magazine. They put out some fairly interesting articles and ideas, even if it IS pop culture psychology – that is to say it’s not ALL firmly research based, although quite a bit of it is. In a way, it challenges you to be a critical consumer of the research they offer. Meaning you (and I) have to think about whether a “1-person case study” is cause enough to overhaul our lifestyle and behavior when a previous decade’s worth of research may indicate the contrary. That idea of being a “critical consumer” of “research” is pretty important in our times of being bombarded with “new and improved” facts, opinions, and research.

I thought might provide for you a quick take on some of the more enlighten bits I read from this month’s issue to see what you might think about using in your life:

There was a fairly graphically entertaining article on optimists and pessimists titled “Optimism, Optimized”. In it, we are told that thinking about, planning for, and expecting “ the worst” is often helpful in educational situations in order to motivate us to study and to not feel too disappointed when our studies don’t pay off. On the other hand, expecting “the best” can often be helpful in the areas of family, romance, and career, as setting high expectations in those areas can lead to self-fulfilling behavior.

I’m a big proponent of working towards being medication free in most mental health situations; but I do recognize the need for the use of psychotropic medication from time to time. There are a few new developments in this area and the treatment of anxiety. Most anti-anxiety medications today treat the issue in a manner that causes most people prolonged periods of sleepiness or just plain unconsciousness. Research is promising for a medication that will help with anxiety based issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and specific phobias that doesn’t leave the patient unconscious. This would prove extremely helpful in helping those struggling with anxiety, and it’s many forms, to be successful in treatment.

Boost your brain with your i-device or smartphone. Here are three cool memory-based games to help stretch your brain. I picked up Memory Matrix for my phone, and I believe it has helped me achieve near-genius levels of intelligence, as well as boosted my self-esteem. You can check out Lumina and Touch Attack for other ‘handy’ memory improvers.

The article Mood Makeup was pretty interesting, even from a male point of view. Although it highlighted three different products, I’m not one to comment on ‘bronzer’ or ‘foaming moisturizer’. Apparently the aforementioned smartphone brain booster has not given me the intelligence to understand such thing. However, the Firmenich’s Smiley Perfume piqued my curiosity. You should know that smell is the strongest sense linked to memory – if for no other reason because your nose and brain are close together and linked pretty tightly. A particular smell from a pleasant time can trigger pleasant thoughts and feelings. This product goes quite a bit deeper into the nasal cavity and incorporates theobromine and phenylethylamine (the same ‘happy chemicals’ found in cocoa beans). So, if you’re feeling down, give it a try.

Of course, for every positive piece of psychology, there’s got to be a little bit of negative – the interview with Simon Critchely, a philosopher in the field of death, may make you run out to buy Firmenich’s secret happy potion… The crux of the article is that contemporary society has put such a negative spin on death that we work hard to avoid it, and therefore struggle to cope with it. Coping with death, embracing it’s inevitability, and recognizing our own mortality are keys to a happier life. What do you think? True or just plain morbid?

The final article I thought would be helpful – The Fab Fourteen – a helpful list of the top 11 foods you should be trying to eat more of. Yes, the article is called Fab Fourteen, but even after reading it three times, I could only find 11; unless you break out all the nuts listed, and then there is 15… What you should be eating more of and why:

Barley – knocks out bad cholesterol

Quinoa – quinoa is a great alternative to rice and has all 9 essential amino acids; even though it has a funny name, it is gaining in popularity and can be found in most grocery stores

Buckwheat – huge in the antioxidants race

Rye – protects against gall stones and is great for fighting hunger

Nuts – almonds, walnuts, pistachios, pecans, and hazelnuts – have “good fat” in them, and protect against cardiovascular problems AND cognitive decline

Black raspberries – lots of fiber and lots of great chemicals that help your brain deal with stress more effectively

Blueberries – more great chemicals that protect against cognitive decline, including Alzheimer’s

Broccoli – mom was right… this is a great detoxifier and just plain good for you

Pomegranates – similar to the positive effects of blueberries, but much more difficult to harvest… have you ever tried to get the fruit out of one of these? It takes quite a bit of work, but is well worth it

Tomatoes – one of the few foods who nutrient value is INCREASED by cooking and processing; great for blood pressure and fighting bad cholesterol

Next time you are grocery shopping, grab more of these, and less of the boxes and bags of processed foods, and you will be well on your way to a healthier you.

What Are You Putting In Your Head?

2011-04-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Who are you when it all starts to fall apart? When the stress of work, marriage, parenting, or life in general starts to get to you, what kind of person do you become? When you feel like you can’t do it anymore, but you know you have to, what resources do you have to draw from?

It is at these times that truly test us that we find out who we truly are. It’s at these times that the choices we have made throughout our lives push us to succeed, or allow us to fail. At these times it is what we have been putting in our heads that comes back out in our actions and attitudes.

When you are faced with a new or difficult task, does your head fill with thoughts of “I can’t do this”, “I’m not good enough”, or “why me”? Or do you rise to the occasion and fill yourself with ideas like “it will be tough, but I can do it”, and “this will stretch me and make me stronger”?

When faced with adversity in life, do you turn to unhealthy coping skills like overeating and drinking alcohol; or do you look at the adversity as an opportunity, and seek out ways to conquer it?

Do you seek out chances to learn and expand yourself through travel, experience, education, reading, and socializing; or do you spend your time in front of the computer following friends Mafias and Farms, or surfing for the newest gossip on the latest celebrity to self-destruct?

When you have time for leisure, do you spend your days in front of the tv watching the latest adult cartoons, catching the entire 6-8 hours of the Cubs double-header, or playing 12-14 hours of video games; or do relax with the Discovery Channel and History Channel, or try to engage in some kind of physical activity to improve your health?

The choices we make, from the most major life decisions to what eat and how we relax shape and craft our lives. The choices we make, what we put in our heads, BECOMES our life, and creates our existence.

I don’t have it all figured out yet. I can easily lose myself in a mind-numbing tv show, or shoot-‘em-up video game for an hour or two. But I’m learning. The first time I woke up from a Facebook induced coma and realized an hour had disappeared, I knew it was time to make some changes. I started making different choices.

The great thing is, you can to. If your unhappy or frustrated with where things are going in life; sometimes, it can really be as easy as making some different choices. First start with the little ones, like what you are putting in your head, from there the bigger choices get a little bit easier.

Art credit: Luke B. Dunscombe

Avoid the Deep Dark Depths

2011-04-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

If you were in the depths of a major depressive episode; no energy to get out bed, no desire to seek pleasure, feeling sad, lethargic, down, and depressed every waking moment, possibly feeling like you didn’t want to go on, what would you do?

I hope you have the support in place around for someone to say, “we need to get you some help”. I hope you have the resources to find and acquire the help you need. Better yet, I hope you never get to that point.

Sadly, a lot of people do. Stress becomes anxiety, anxiety trends towards depression, and eventually a person can get so low that it takes considerable measures to come out of it, or it leads to more difficult mental health issues.

This is a simple list of activities to engage in to help prevent mental illness. You may be amazed at their simplicity. I hope you are. I hope you read these and say, “I do these EVERY day!” Engage in these more days than not each week, and you will be on your way to maintaining wellness.

Eat healthy. Drink Healthy. There’s a reason we are told to eat our fruits and vegetables. It makes you healthy. The more the better. The more colors your can fit into a meal, the better. Limit your intake of processed foods. If you can’t produce the ingredients, why put it in your body? Those chemicals alter the chemicals in your brain and lead to altered moods. Too much sugar, caffeine, or alcohol can do the same thing. Instead soda or coffee, try tea or water. Lots of water. At least 2 liters (about 8 8oz glasses) each day to flush out your system, help you feel full, provide the hydration you need, and because it’s better for you than a Monster.

Sleep. Not too much, not too little. Generally 7-9 hours is good every night. The important factor many people miss out on is not to alter your sleep schedule too much. If you go to bed by 10pm get up at 5am every morning, don’t stay up until 1am and sleep until 9am on the weekends. Research indicates that you shouldn’t alter your sleep schedule more than +/- 1 hour from your “norm”. Doing so is about the same as subjecting yourself to a bad case of jetlag; it alters brain chemistry and leaves your brain reeling from the change.

Exercise. 20-30 minutes each day. Get out and walk. If you are good at walking, go for a run. If you can’t do either, ride a bike. If you can’t do that, lift weights. There are more ways to exercise available to than there ever have been. You can enjoy a health club membership or use a dvd at home. You can work out with expensive equipment, or go for a walk in your bare feet. Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently for 20-30 minutes every day. You will maintain and improve your physical health; and that will have a myriad of positive effects on your mental health.

Socialize. Not just online, but with people you care about and who care about you. We are hardwired to be social creatures; not indulging in that evolutionary mandate leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Giving time to be with friends and family helps to build connections and increase the presence of the “feel good” neurotransmitters in our brains.

Spiritualize. Commune with a higher power, pray to God, read from Buddha, or meditate in nature. Recognizing we are not omnipotent and admitting our flaws as humans can have a positive humbling effect. Seeking guidance in a belief system greater than our individual knowledge can offer perspective. Connecting with the religion (a system of expression spirituality) of our childhood links us to past generations. All of these can be positive factors in promoting wellness and overall emotional health.

Manage stress. There are two ways to deal with stress; avoid, deny, remove, or change the stressor; or learn to cope with it in a more effective manner. If you are feeling excess stress, identify the stressor (work for many – but even that can be more specific), and determine if you can change it or cope with it better.

Manage your moods. Moods come and go for a variety of reasons, many of which may be outside our control. What is within our control is how long we allow a negative mood to stay and fester, and at what point we choose to engage in behavior to bring about a more positive mood. If you find yourself spiraling into a negative mood that you can’t come out of, enlist the help of others (see Socialize). If they can’t help, consult with a professional.

Manage your thoughts. Much like moods, thoughts come from out of nowhere – quirky firing of neurons brought upon by something we saw out of the corner of our eye can yield the strangest of first thoughts, or impulses. Again, something we are not always consciously in control of – but just like moods, we are in control of what our next thought is, and how we choose to act on that thought.

Manage your money. While we’re talking about managing factors in life – mismanaged finances can be the greatest source of individual stress and relational discord. It’s ironic and somewhat funny how many quotes and commentaries you can find throughout history, from the ancient Greeks to the current Session of Congress and everywhere in between; how poor financial management can lead to emotional turmoil. Take care of your money, and you will be taking care of your health.

Go do something. Stretch your brain and your body. Get up from the computer and do something different. If you sit around all day, go for a walk. If you spend most evenings watching tv, read a book. If you spend your day in a cubicle, get outside in nature. If you haven’t seen something truly amazing in a while, go see the ocean, an art museum, go up to the observation deck of a skyscraper, write a book, or go volunteer in a pediatric cancer treatment center. Expand your horizons, do different things, try new things, and you will maintain the flexibility of your brain and hold on to more of your fluid intelligence longer into your years. Besides, it’s fun.

How to Turn Your Child into a Scholarship Athlete

2011-04-11T05:15:00.001-07:00

I took my oldest daughter to the annual Father-Daughter Dance a few weeks ago. As always, it’s a wonderful and bittersweet event. Sweet, of course, in seeing her run around with her friends and timidly try to dance; bitter in that each year is a kind of marking point for her getting older and growing up. It’s a reminder to always enjoy the time I do have with her.

Par for the course, as the girls danced and gave us dads an occasional break, the soccer coach dads soon got together to discuss talent, strategy, and future prospects. Yeah, we take it pretty seriously. Once gentleman, who wasn’t “in” the group, sat and listened intently, his eyes growing bigger and brighter as we discussed and exaggerated about the skills of the more talented girls.

Eventually, as the hoopla died down, he asked; “how do I turn my daughter (3rd grade) into a scholarship athlete?

It was question I wasn’t used to answering, so I bumbled through a few ideas. And then I stewed on why I felt like such an idiot trying to answer that question. Then it came to me:

YOU CAN’T! You cannot turn your child into a scholarship athlete! It’s a combination of genetics, skills, coaching, luck, and fate that take a child from the local basketball court to the Final Four and on to the NBA. You cannot create a scholarship/professional swimmer like the good Dr. Frankenstein working in your backyard swimming pool.

I think the proliferation of the Tiger Woods story, and the stories, of most of our high-paid athletes has convinced us that all we need to do is spend all day, every day, working with our child on their sport, and they will grow up to support us with their million-dollar contract and endorsements.

It’s not going to happen like that. You can work with your son or daughter all you want, but they may not grow up to earn untold riches. But you sure can mess up their childhood and your relationship with them.

Here a few tips to help improve your relationship with your child through sports, while embracing the POSSIBILITY that they might just be the next Mia Hamm, Tiger Woods, Venus Williams, or Peyton Manning.

Don’t over-schedule them! Give them a break – kids have to play! Whether it is with Barbie Dolls at a young age, or electronics as they grow, kids need time to play; especially early on. It’s simply not fair to them to have them involved in something every night of the week, all year long, with games and travel on the weekend. We are creating small ninja-gymnast-ice skaters with the volume of activities some children are scheduled for each week; judo, karate, tai kwon do, gymnastics, hockey, baseball, soccer. And that’s just one child’s schedule!

One activity per season is generally a good rule. It will help give them the time they need to develop, and won’t stress you out and drive you crazy tying to get them from place to place.

Build their love of the game – whatever it is. If you can’t take the time to coach your child, then spend some time with them in the evenings or on the weekends playing and working with them on their basic skills. Throw the football around, go bowling, kick the soccer ball, play tennis – whatever is they are interested in. If you show more of an interest in their playing, and less about them winning, they will come to love the fun aspect of the game, and will work harder to become better.

Show up. Be the supportive parent, not the loud angry parent at games. Be present to help your kids before and after practice, but step back to let the coaches do their jobs. When it comes to came time, be supportive of your child, that’s it. There is no need to scream at other peoples kids, the refs, the coaches, etc. Think about the message you are sending your child with your behavior at their events.

Get them the 10,000 hours. Malcolm Gladwell wrote an amazing book – one of my favorites, Outliers – on what makes people successful. The most obvious fact that came out of his research was the Rule of 10,000 hours. Whether it was the Beatles, Bill Gates, or Mozart, they all had run into a fortunate opportunity in their lives to acquire 10,000 hours of practice in their area of expertise. From there, they became the best at what they do.

You can set up the situation, somewhat, for your child to accrue 10,000 hours of practice, but each one of these master’s in their area ran across an amazing amount of luck that granted them this time. You can do a little, but you can’t do it all – don’t force your child to spent 10,000 hours this year in front of a piano.

Allow them to say “No”. Your child should have the final say in whether or not they want to participate in a given activity. Don’t force it – this is a sure way to break down your relationship with them. If they want to take a season off from soccer, let them. If they are done with softball and not interested in playing ever again, that’s fine. Do not put the pressure on your children of living your sports life vicariously through them – there are plenty of adult leagues if you want to play. But let your child decide what activities best fit their personality.

Good luck. It’s not an easy job – parenting. I don’t recommend you complicate it further by putting excess pressure on yourself or your child.

The Charlie Sheen Guide to Parenting

2011-04-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

You may have missed the rants and public implosion of the Charlie Sheen empire a few weeks ago - but surely you haven't missed your opportunity to catch him live on his My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat is Not an Option Tour this past weekend in Detroit and Chicago, or coming soon to a venue near you, have you?!

Although I am not sure what "ol' Chuck" will be talking about on tour", I have boiled down a few of his more recent ideas for your use in your parenting endeavors. I was pleased to see some parents already using these concepts on the fields of our local youth soccer program over this past weekend.

"DUH Winning!" - winning isn't just important, it is everything. It is the only thing. Win at all costs. Win not matter who the opponent is. If you are winning work harder to win some more. Sportsmanship is for 'normal people, people who aren't special'. They should have just left her in the game and let her keep scoring!

I guess for you 'normal people', teaching your children not to brag about winning, and to be a good sport is one of those things you do. I guess if you don't want to live the Charlie Sheen prescribed "rock-n-roll lifestyle", you could teach your children about it. It's a difficult boundary - you want to teach your child to work hard, have fun, and succeed; but that succeeding 'too much' is not good sportsmanship. Running up the score in real life is not favorably received.

Example - there was a young lady this weekend who scored 7 soccer goals; that's about twice as many goals as there usually are in an entire game. Even when the coach pulled her back, or had her on the sideline, the team still went on to score around 20 goals. You could tell the coach was struggling with trying to encourage his team to work hard, but he also didn't want to embarrass the other team. It's at a young age that lessons like this can be taught. Having a discussion with a 6-year old about sportsmanship can go a long way to developing a well adjusted 16-year old. How do you teach your children to be good sports? What do you say to encourage them to work hard?

Charlie would say you just don't have the "Adonis DNA" to stomach winning.

It's all about your kids "waking up one day and realizing how cool dad is!" In the book of Charlie, being cool is the rule, especially when it comes to kids. That means buying them everything they want, never saying "No", being their best friend, saying what you want when you want to them, and "you know, signing all the checks on the front" so they don't have to earn money but just have it. Do these things, and you will raise children with "tiger blood in their veins".

For the rest of you parents out there, setting boundaries, encouraging your children to earn money and possessions, and saying "No" to their sometimes irrational or egocentric requests (the ones that are pretty typical of child and adolescent development, apparently you just want to raise "normal" kids.

Finally, if you want to raise kids like Charlie Sheen, you should probably have them watch plenty of Charlie Sheen and that means at least a daily dose of that show he is on, right? While you are at it, they should probably be watching whatever else they want along those lines, too. Television today has plenty of great messages to share with your children, you don't need to monitor what they watch - they should probably have their own tv with cable or satellite access in their bedroom by around age 5. That way, they can learn all the valuable lessons of that Charlie Sheen show, and find out about the wonderful world of marketing and advertising that is available through television.

For you who don't want to be an "F-18 deploying ordnance to the ground", you might want to monitor what your kids watch, and certainly not allow them to watch that show. Find out what kinds of messages your kids are receiving from their television viewing habits. Know what the kids are watching when you're not with them, and ask them about what they watch. For every show on tv that has a Charlie Sheen message, there are other shows that offer educational and entertaining information - see The Discovery Channel or The History Channel to find out more. Also, take the television out of your kids room - watch tv as a family and discuss what you view.

Those are just a few of Charlie's tips - you can find out more on his tv show, or continue to feast on the media feeding frenzy that is his life. I am sure you can find a few hours each day of internet and news coverage. If, on the other hand, you don't agree with his tips - if you don't have Adonis DNA and tiger blood - maybe you could just turn off the tv and go for a walk with your family.

Will You Run 100 Miles Today?

2011-03-27T17:15:00.001-07:00

Can you believe there are people in this world who go out and run 100+ mile races... for fun?!?

These “ultramarathoners”, as they are called, will race from early in the morning, through the day, into the night, hopefully finishing some time the next morning. You might imagine what their training regiment involves - grueling runs of 20, or 30, or 40, maybe even 50 miles at a time - often leaving for a “quick run” on a Friday night to return Saturday morning.

I’ve actually read several stories about them - Dean Karnazes “Ultramarathon Man” being a pretty good one on the topic. This month’s Psychology Today had a very good article on Podiatrist Troy Espiritu and his rise from human to superhuman. There’s quite a bit of discussion about golf ball sized blisters, eating while running followed by vomiting while running, hallucinations while running, sleep deprivation, delusions, broken bones, strained body parts... and people who do it for “fun”.

The article also shared several lessons we all can take from these ultramarthoners. Even though we may not feel the need to go out and run for 24 hours straight, we all need a certain degree of mental, emotional, and spiritual strength to face the challenges life throws our way. Everybody needs a certain degree of “toughness”. Or, as Salvatore Maddi, researcher from UC Irvine, calls it, “hardiness”.

Maddi conducted a 12-year study to evaluate the psychological well-being of telephone company managers. Halfway through the study there was an unexpected turn in that the telephone industry was de-regulated. This caused half the employees Maddi was studying to be laid off. For two-thirds of that group, the lay-off was traumatic. They were unable to cope - many died of heart attack and strokes, they engaged in violence, got divorced, and suffered from poor mental health. But for the other third, their lives actually improved - their health got better, the careers ‘soared’, and their relationships improved.

What is the difference between these two groups of people? Maddi defined it as “hardiness” - or the ability to look at obstacles as opportunities. Hardiness ‘gives you the courage and motivation to do the hard work of growing and developing rather than denying and avoiding”. The good news - hardiness can be cultivated and developed in you - just like it is in an ultramarathoner.

So what can learn from Maddi’s study and the lives of ultramarathoners? That being laid off doesn’t have to be the end of your career - but the beginning? Or maybe that you too have “superhuman” powers to overcome obstacles and run for 100 miles - or maybe just start with one mile?

The article offers four suggestions to cultivate YOUR hardiness:

Enlist the help of friends and loved ones. Have the support of others not only makes us feel cared for and appreciated, but it can also increase our motivation to complete difficult tasks or goals. Ultramarathoners often train in a group for long grueling runs - evidence there is a strong need to be a part of the group that motivates the runners behaviors, and the being part of the group might actually help relieve real aches and pains as the socialization causes the body to release “feel good” hormones, even while running 30+ miles. Being a part of a group will help you achieve your goals - even if your goals are beyond “normal”.

Seek out challenges. Most of us actively avoid problems and needless work. We work hard to maintain comfort and think of resilience as something we’ll reluctantly tap into in the event of some kind of personal disaster. The truly “tough” don’t enjoy personal struggle any more than the rest of us, but what they do enjoy is the opportunity to conquer an unexpected obstacle. Such difficulties and calamities are exciting chances for them to conquer, something to accomplish, not reasons to crawl back into bed.

The key to adapting a challenge-hungry frame of mind is developing confidence in yours abilities. One way to do this is to set goals that become progressively more challenging - intentionally expose yourself to situations that take you out of your comfort zone. Build your tolerance for the unexpected and uncomfortable by small increments, and eventually you will build your abilities and “toughness”.

Get physical. Not only does exercise build your physical toughness, but it is a key to overall mental/emotional AND physical wellbeing. The more you exercise, the more you build up your ability to tolerate stress and the more you increase your overall feelings of healthiness and wellbeing. The ultramarathoners in the study found that as their training increased, they were able to tolerate their children’s temper tantrums more easily, they slept better, and had more energy throughout the day. Isn’t that a great benefit and increase to your daily “toughness” simply by dedicating 20-30 minutes to exercise a few days per week?

Finally - Reward yourself. If you’re going to do all this hard work to train for an ultramarathon, or for life, doesn’t it makes sense to reward yourself for your accomplishments? Take a day off, treat yourself to a nice meal, of going on a little shopping trip. Just don’t overdo it - don’t engage in behaviors that would negate the progress you made in your goals, but look for rewards that might forward your progress, or increase the gains you have already made.

So, there you have it; four simple tips to help you on your path to become superhuman. This is the beginning to running a 100+ mile race.

On the other hand, this could also be a few easy ideas to improve life in general.

For the complete article, please check out Psychology Today April, 2011. There’s also a great article on how striving too much just might not be the key to happiness - The American Nightmare: We have everything the American Dream prescribed, so why aren’t we happy? Enjoy.

Is Work Eating You Alive?

2011-03-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

Are you consumed by work?

Is your job consuming you?

I have been there. If you’ve read these articles for very long, you’ve heard my story of work stress and how it put me in the hospital for several weeks. The sad thing is, despite that bit of trauma, I still find myself allowing my work to take a bigger chunk out of me than it should.

I’ve also noticed that there are a lot of “us” out there. I have worked with quite a few people struggling with “work stress” – some situations become so severe that “work stress” soon becomes, “home stress”, “marital stress”, anxiety, depression, and a variety of other concerning issues?

Why is that?

Is it because employers know that it is a tough economy out there and they’ve got you where they want you? Or is it a choice, or series of choices we make, causing work to become much bigger portion of our lives than it should?

I think it’s both.

What can you do about it?

Refresh yourself with the POWER OFF button on your cell / smart / mobile phone. That’s right, it has a power button. It has a mute button too. You can use both of them at different times so that your time to be away from work is not interrupted. Is work that important that you need to have your phone on in church, or at 2am, or while watching a movie with your family?

While we are turning things off, how about turning the computer off too? Remember when computers where great big monstrosities in large plastic boxes that had to sit on a desk and stay connected to the wall? They got smaller and more portable with rise in laptop functionality – and the introduction of tablets has made it far easier to be “always on” – always productive. But were you meant to be always productive?

Since the computer is off, you can stop checking your email every 10 minutes. But what about when the computer is on? Researchers and productivity experts tells us that you should only feel compelled to check your email a few times day – that you don’t have to respond to everyone within 30 seconds of receiving their message – that is called “asynchronous communication” for a reason. The bottom line, that constant checking is eating in to your productivity and your down time. Set aside time to check a few times a day, but leave it alone for the rest of the time – set your smart phone NOT to alert you each time a new email comes in so you are not compelled to jump to it each time it buzzes/rings/chirps/sings.

Now that all of our electronic distraction devices have been turned off, what about setting aside some down time? Set aside time each day AT work to take a break – go for a short walk, grab some water, stretch, engage in deep breathing exercises, listen to a little music, take a quick nap – all recommended tips to de-stress, refocus, and relax. The amazing thing is your productivity will INCREASE if you do this throughout the day, so that you don’t feel compelled to work at home.

If you are going to have down time at work to increase your productivity, you certainly will have more time for down time, relaxation, and family time at home. Use this time! Schedule in time to play with your kids, make sure you are still dating your spouse several times each month (remember when you would date several times each week?!), develop hobbies to engage in, pick up a new healthy habit like running or weight-lifting. Block off time for you – and don’t let those devices interfere with it!

Drop the time-wasters like a bad habit – or at least set effective boundaries with them. The 20 minute session gossip at the water-cooler, the 15 minute IM session, Mafiavilles and Farm Wars all serve the same purpose; they suck up your time and take away your ‘happy’. They trade productive time or relaxation time and sometimes even money for….. well, I’m not really sure what the trade off is. I know I fell victim to the MafiaFarm trap for a while. And then when I woke up from the glittery haze, I was embarrassed to think of how much time I spent there, instead of being productive or doing something with my family.

In the end, it all comes down to setting boundaries – boundaries with your time, boundaries with your boss, boundaries with your work, boundaries with your life. Electronic devices have made it far too easy for those boundaries to disappear. But they are not to be blamed alone – we have to allow them to take over. By re-establishing those boundaries with your work, your smart phone, your laptop, your boss, etc; you will take back your life, and you won’t let work eat you alive.

9 Things to do with Your Kids Before They're Too Old

2011-03-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

9 Things to do with your kids before they’re “too old”

It always makes me sad to here a parent say “I wish I would have done more” when it comes to discussing their children. For whatever reason they didn’t, it’s always sad to hear somebody wish for something that can never be returned to them – their child’s childhood.

On the other, I revel in the opportunity to hear about the time parents do spend with their children, and the great fun, learning, and bonding that take place. It’s a joy to hear a parent talk about trying something new with their children, and what they, the parent learned from it, as well as what the child learned.

I want to encourage you and implore you to spend more time with your children. Don’t wait. Don’t let their childhood pass you by. Don’t miss out on the opportunities to connect with them and build your relationship with them.

Here are several great opportunities to invest in your child’s childhood:

Go for a walk. There is something about going for a walk in the woods or even around the block that brings people closer. Getting a little exercise is good for everyone – and combining it with a discussion about the day’s events builds connections and your relationship with your child. Mix things up a bit by allowing your child to lead the walk and where you go, ask them why they choose to go the way they do. Some of my fondest memories as a young man were the times I went hiking with my father, and he would get us “lost” and I would have to lead the way back – it was a great learning opportunity for me, and a memory I will always cherish.

Read a book. Research indicates children of families who read do better in school and in life. Young children benefit from being read to, or reading to their parents – and let’s face it, they love it too! You don’t have to lose that as your child gets older – there are plenty of great books out there that you can read with your child; Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and the Percy Jackson series are just a few that older kids can enjoy with their parents. Read the chapters together through the week and share the story and the ideas it generates for you and your child.

Cook something together – better yet, let them cook for you! Share your favorite recipe and prepare it together, or simply allow your child to make peanut butter and jelly for you. It is an empowering opportunity for them to learn a useful skill, and a chance to bond over a meal – be prepared for a little extra cleanup that you can share too.

Go for a drive. It’s amazing what you can see and talk about during a little drive through the country. Equally as fun is asking your child “straight or turn” at each intersection – let them make the decision to help get you where you are going.

Fix the car. There’s nothing wrong with letting your child get her hands a little dirty changing the oil, or pumping gas, or topping off the fluids in the car. I’m fairly certain either one of my girls could change the oil on their own – if not, they will have plenty more opportunities to help me with it! This is yet another opportunity to learn helpful life skills, but also a chance to ask questions and just be with you. It might take a little longer, but it is worth it to build a memory with your child.

Go geocaching. This is a great little hobby that used to be slightly expensive, but doesn’t have to be any more, if you have a smartphone. Geocaching is kind of like hide-and-seek, employing the multi-billion dollar GPS satellite system to find pieces of Tupperware hidden throughout the world. The last I saw, there are over a million geocaches hidden throughout the world. This is a fun hobby to inspire your child’s curiosity and watch their excitement of searching and finding the cache. Find out more at www.geocaching.com

Talk – ask a lot of questions – and listen to what you they have to say. Your child wants you to listen to them; they want your attention, that’s why they are constantly saying “watch me”, or “look at me” – they want you to pay attention. By talking with them, asking them questions and listening to them, you will let them know you are there for them, and you will decrease their need to engage in negative behavior to get your attention.

Take them to Disney World. I realize that his may not be a possibility for everyone, but I highly encourage you to give it a try once in your child’s childhood – that new big screen tv can wait, or maybe you can squeeze a few more miles out of your car in order to take them to Disney World. It is a trip they will never forget and will always appreciate – it’s an opportunity for you to get in touch with your inner child too.

Tell them you love them. This is the easiest, least expensive, and most impactful thing you can do with your child. Sadly, it is one of the things many children miss, or don’t hear enough. Tell your child that you love them as many times as you can each day – it never gets old.

Whatever you choose to do, whether it is from this list, or your own list, start doing it today. Don’t wait until “things are less stressful”, or “when the time is right” – children grow up to fast, the time will be gone before you know it. Don’t wait to be one of the people saying “I wish I would have done more”.

"Life is Too Short Not to Do Something That Matters" & 13 other things I gathered from the Gaping Void

2011-03-06T12:01:00.000-08:00

I’ve got a terrible habit.

When I’m not busy being a therapist, dad, husband, Sherpa, runner, coach, or superhero; I have a terrible reading habit. I contracted it at an early age. I tried to shake it, but I couldn’t. I read a lot. Science fiction, self-help, psychology, business, cereal boxes, inspiration, motivation, comic books - you name it and I will read it.

It’s been a great few weeks for me and my habit. Two of my favorite motivational-inspirational- business authors released new books – it’s almost like they were conspiring to do it just for me! I thought I would share some of the insight I have gathered from Hugh Macleod – artist/cartoonist/advocate for creativity at www.GapingVoid.com , and author of the new book Evil Plans. Hugh has an interesting perspective on life and business – one that I think can benefit you in a lot of ways. He’s deeply philosophical, somewhat “Eastern” while still being “Western”, and he truly believe we were all designed to go out and truly DO something with our lives. Here are a few of his ideas that resonate with me:

This is it. Fight like hell. You get one shot at this life – no matter what your spiritual beliefs, you are only given a finite amount of years on this earth to do what you are going to do. Shouldn’t you work like mad, or “fight like hell”, to make it a life worth living? If you are not there yet, what are you going to do about it?

You are responsible for your own experience. It is often far too easy to relinquish responsibility for our lives to someone else – spouse, parent, boss, government, etc. But in the end, YOU are responsible for how much joy and how much pain you experience, as well as everything in between. What will you do with that responsibility?

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Somehow, we give up that creativity later in life, in exchange for a firm set of directives and directions on how to think, how to act, what to wear, and what to do. But what if you had that box of crayons back – what would you create? Would you draw a new career? Would you color out of the lines? Would you draw a book? What could you do with a new sense of creativity – even better, what would you do with the creativity you gave up after kindergarten?

Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb. We can seek guidance, find a Sherpa, and help each other along the way; but in the end, it is up to the individual to choose to scale that mountain, or to stay at base camp, wondering what the summit looks like. It’s hard to always know what part of their journey another traveler is on, so be kind and help them if you can.

If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you. Plan for it – know that whatever you are going to do, it takes effort, energy, sacrifice, stress and sometimes pain. If you plan for it, if you know it is coming, it’s not as bad, and what you accomplish is usually far worth it. When it comes to training to run a half marathon, there are a lot of long and lonely weekend runs – I had a friend this weekend remind me, “start thinking about it now, and the pain is more manageable when you do it”. He was right.

Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside. Our society tends to put a big emphasis on “stuff”. Whoever has the most stuff, the best stuff, and the costliest stuff is considered to be worthy of esteem and praise. We may often become trapped in believing that we will only be worth you esteem and praise if we have equal, or greater, amounts of stuff. Where do you fall in to the “stuff” trap?

The world is changing. Lately, you can’t NOT hear or see how the world is changing. We shrank the world in the past decade with the internet and digital technology – now what? Nobody is certain, but we know it will continue to change – where will you be in that change? Will you embrace it? Will you fight against it? Will you be active or passive in it?

Nobody cares. Do it for yourself. You don’t need everyone else’s permission or esteem to do or be something great. All you have to do is want it and be ready to work for it. Don’t wait for someone else to “let” you be great, go be great.

Choosing an easy life rarely ends up with much of either. I have been there and lived that – I have taken the easy way out, and found it to be more difficult and a complete drain on my life. Hard work pays off, and rewards us with a life worth living. Are you taking the easy way through life, or working hard to live it to its fullest?

The secret sauce is – there’s no secret sauce. I wrote about this a few weeks ago on my "other" website, as I was inspired by Po, of Kung Fu Panda legend. We spend quite a bit of time looking for that “secret ingredient” to get us motivated, to help us feel confident, or to guarantee success before we start to do whatever it is we are going to do. The secret is, there is no secret – go do it, stop waiting to find the secret sauce.

The world will ALWAYS conspire to make you less than you are…so decide what you are going to do about it, then act. No matter what you want to do in life, there will always be opposing forces that try to keep you from it. To succeed, take responsibility, formulate your plan, and execute it. If you fail, get up and do it again, but try something a little different. There is plenty of help available if you want it, but, in the end you must act.

That’s why we’re here – to make a DENT in the universe. Just one more answer to the question, “what is the meaning of life”. Are you searching for meaning? Start making dents in the universe, and see how that meaning becomes more apparent.

Everybody needs an evil plan. If you stop by my office, you will see this one prominently displayed. I like this idea, I believe in this idea, I live this idea. We all need to have an “Evil Plan” – a plan to break free of whatever keeps us stuck, a plan to become “better” than we are, a plan to do something that makes a difference. This “Evil Plan” can be within our current situation or career, or above and beyond it. Whatever it is, start planning for it – you don’t have much time. Life is too short NOT to do something that matters.

It’s fairly obvious I really appreciate Hugh’s Western-but-still-Eastern philosophy thing he has going on. He has some brilliant things to say about getting motivated and achieving in life. Did any of these resonate with you? Is there one you will take with you and implement?

To find out more about Hugh, take a look at his website, or pick up one of his books Ignore Everybody or last month’s release Evil Plans.

How Are Your Goals Coming Along?

2011-02-27T15:44:00.000-08:00

Can you believe we have already careened through two months of the year? Hopefully that means all the snow most of us have been dealing with will be disappearing soon.

Around here, and for a quite a few people I know, it’s the beginning of half-marathon training season – I just wrapped up my first week for the Pittsburgh Half, and a lot of people I know are well in to their training program for the famed Indianapolis Mini-Marathon. It’s a good time of the year to step back to assess how all those New Year’s Resolutions are moving forward, or how they have stalled.

I shared a few of my goals with you at the beginning of the year, so I will take you through a quick look at where they are – maybe through my process, you will take a look at your old goals, or set some new ones.

Running – check. I did “some” leading up to the start of this training program, but didn’t take it too seriously. Now comes the serious time – especially with the added accountability of a little side-bet to finish under our old times.

Having a group to train with definitely helps accountability. On those rotten mornings when I don’t want to get up to run, or after weeks and weeks of running on the treadmill in the basement, it’s helpful to commiserate with other people who are going through the same thing. It’s also helpful to hear one person say “I got my miles in today!”, when I am debating making up an injury to avoid running.

Accountability to yourself and to others is HUGE in succeeding in any goal.

Healthy eating / weight loss – so when my running goals are going well, somewhere in my brain a switch is flipped that says, “yeah, you can have that 5th piece of pizza…”. That needs to stop, as the “Holiday pounds” meld into a layer of “Spring warmth”. Now, I know that this training regiment will help with that, but if my unhealthy eating habits don’t change, I will be negating the benefits I could be gaining.

Being mindful of our thoughts and behaviors – those impulses that trigger unhealthy activity – is another key in succeeding in your goals. The first step is to become aware of those negative or unhealthy thoughts that tell you, “it’s ok to give up”, or “you didn’t really want to anyway”. By recognizing them, you can confront them and change them. Maybe just reading this article will give you pause to pay attention to those thoughts – if not, try keeping a notebook of the self-defeating thoughts you have throughout a few days, review them, and change them.

Spending more time with my wife and girls – not perfect, but not bad. I’ve worked hard to try to get out of work a little earlier a few times each week; and rather than coming home to read the mail or watch the news, I have made a conscious effort to take an hour or a half hour to do something active with my girls – we’ve played a lot of Uno, went sledding a few times, tried to fly a kite during those 20-30 minutes of not having any snow, build some lego castles, we’ll be changing the oil in the family cars tonight – I think they’re pretty excited for that one.

I certainly haven’t been perfect in this endeavor. I’ve had to come home late a few times, after they were in bed. I’ve taken a few weekends to go visit friends and left the kids with grandma and grandpa. But that really is the bottom line, isn’t it? You don’t have to be perfect with your goals, but you have to keep trying. Keep getting better at whatever your goal is, but don’t expect to be perfect – “perfect is the enemy of the good”.

Finally, I have gained far more ground on the book goal than I thought possible. I really thought it was going to be a 6-month process, but if you follow A New Direction Counseling on Facebook, or on @Think_Change on Twitter, you’ve heard that I wrapped up the rough draft a few days ago, and I am actively editing and re-writing before I send it off the my other editors. I endured two months of 5am mornings to get it done – and the insanely funny thing about that, I grew to like those mornings and still get up that early! Funny how striving for goals will sometimes change other behaviors or attitudes, isn’t it?

So what about you? Where are you in the goals you set at the beginning of the year? Take some time to reflect:

Have you help yourself accountable, or asked others to? (Thanks guys)

Have you been more mindful of your thoughts and behaviors that relate to your goals? Even if you haven’t achieved your goal yet, sometimes just becoming aware of your thoughts and attitudes is a huge accomplishment.

Have you found your margin for error between “perfect” and “I quit”? Have you found that equilibrium in allowing yourself to be a fallible human being in the process of achieving your goals?

Finally, have you found new benefits that you didn’t expect when working towards those goals?

Change Your Priorities - Change Your Life

2011-02-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

I have to ask myself this too often lately, as it seems to be easy for me to forget. I tend to get bogged down with “work” and striving to “get things done” and find that I might be missing out on “life”.

I had an opportunity jump up and kick me Chuck Norris-style the other day. I needed to be kicked that hard to wake up and start paying attention more to “life” than “work” – have you been there before?

I had my day all planned – I got up at 5am to work, I planned to work through lunch, then I had some work to do in the afternoon, followed by a quick drive home to do some more work. It wasn’t much different than other days.

But something was trying to interrupt that beautiful plan for perfect productivity.

My daughter came to me and asked if I was planning to come to her “awards ceremony” – she was receiving a paper certificate for being an “Outstanding Reader” with what seemed to be 5,000 other kids. The plan for the ceremony was for mobs 50-100 of kids to run up to their teacher or principal to receive their certificate, and then sprint back to their seat in the gymnasium bleachers, it wasn’t really what I thought of as an “awards ceremony”. To her, it was the most important thing that was going to happen before her high school graduation.

I wrestled with the idea of going or not going for quite a while. I saw quite a few tears, some lip quivers, and some VERY angry eyebrows from my wife. However, my drive for a perfectly productive work day was preventing me from caring very much. Eventually, I made up my mind to go, “but only for a little while”.

I went, it was as I expected, mobs of kids running back and forth to grab paper awards, while teachers tried to shush them and parent snapped off pictures. Of course, I had my camera and ran down to take a few snap shots. I’m fairly certain my daughter smiled wider than she had at any Christmas or Birthday gift she had every received. It really was the most important thing in her mind for that day, week, and month. Simply by showing up, I made her feel special, and let her know how important she is in my life – more important than work.

Too often, I get confused and forget that I work so that I can enjoy life with my family. Sometimes, my priorities get mixed up, and I find myself seeing family and friends as an interruption to my work – how sad and embarrassing.

Fortunately, I have “silly” little events like awards ceremonies, selling girl scout cookies, coaching soccer, and trips to the aquarium that remind me that be a part of their lives is more important that putting together a perfectly productive day. I am reminded that phone calls from friends, couples nights, weekend camping trips with the guys, or sending a supportive email to an old buddy is more important than trying to squeeze another dollar out of the day.

I am fortunate to have friends and family in my life to remind me to LIVE life, not work through it. So to them, I say “THANKS”, and yes, I will be there for that camping trip – all of them. But only after I take the girls out to sell cookies. I will work enough to be able to support and be a part of the lives of my friends and family; not so much that I forget how important they are.

So what about you?

Is there a part of life you are missing out on that you once thought was a priority?

Is there an email you haven’t sent?

A phone call you haven’t made?

A trip to visit friends that you have been “too busy” to do?

Sometimes we need “silly” little events to remind us of life’s priorities. Maybe this email is just silly enough to push you in that direction.

My daughter is watching cartoons by herself while I type this – it’s time to adjust my priorities.

Make it a priority to have a great week.

5 Valentine's Day Ideas That Last All Year

2011-02-13T08:07:00.001-08:00

I hope you have already made plans for dinner, flowers, chocolate, or nice gift before this article comes out. If not, there is nothing I can do here to save you. These tips might help, but I can’t guarantee it. You can use them today, and throughout the year to keep your relationship running smooth. But if you haven’t already planned something a little extra for today, you might want to consider something bigger than a box of chocolates – maybe a relationship coach or marital therapist.

Here are 5 quick and easy tips to make your ‘sweetie’ smile today, and keep her or him happy throughout the year.

- Listen. Not just with your ears, but with all of you – your eyes, your body, your mind. That means making eye contact and looking at the person speaking to you – which is not quite possible with the tv on. It also means acknowledging that you are hearing the person – not interrupting, but nodding or acknowledging in some way. When you listen with your mind, it means you are paying attention, whole-heartedly, to what the other person is say. Too often, we have a tendency to be thinking about what we are going to say next, and miss the meaning of what we should be hearing.

- Speak – offer kind words or words of encouragement. Let your significant other know you care – this also works well with children, too. You can set a goal starting today to say at least one kind thing, or make one compliment each day for one month.’

- Spend quality time together – hopefully, spring is near. Even if it is not, there are plenty of things you can do to spend quality time together with your Valentine or with your children. During the cold months, indoor activities like movie night, and game time are great to spend time together. As it warms up, get out and go for a walk, a hike, or a bike ride.

- Gifts – gifts are always nice – chocolates, flowers, toys, etc - but they don’t always have to be something you pick up at the local store. Gifts, meaningful gifts, come in all forms – time spent can be a wonderful gift; engaging in an activity of the other persons choice can be more meaningful that a trinket, or making something by hand – yes, Guys, even we can do that- might be more valuable and lasting than anything you can find at Walmart.

- Commit an act of service, on purpose – take the kids out for the day and give her time to herself; take the car in to have the oil changed so he doesn’t have to do it; finish that project that has been sitting around for weeks; make the coffee; clean the bathroom; wash the car; do the laundry. The list goes on – I’m guessing you don’t have to look very hard. The important thing is to do them often – little acts of service are great opportunities to tell your ‘sweetie’ “I love you”.

There you have it – 5 very easy, very doable ways to tell your special someone you care – if you didn’t already pick up something special for Valentine’s Day, maybe pour on all of these, all at once. But even after today, pick one each week and give it a try.

I’m going to go do the dishes now…

How Do You Deal With "The Unexpected"?

2011-02-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

Dirty, rotten, low-down, stinking, horrible, terrible, nasty week!! That’s how it’s been around here, how about you?

We were going to attempt to take a break – a working break – in Florida. I had a conference to attend, so we planned a few extra days to rest and relax in the sun. We had an early flight, so we were going to overnight near the airport.

It never happened.

As we got to the airport the night before, I found our flight was cancelled due to the weather. We had made it 2/3 of the way to the airport, only to find out that we wouldn’t be starting our journey in the morning. I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what to do – the next available flight was in 2 days – TWO DAYS – that would effectively erase any of the ‘vacation time’ we had planned before the grueling conference schedule.

But at least we would be in Florida. We would have the sun to enjoy, and we would be out of the snow.

The next morning, as we began to plan for the redefined trip, I received a call that the entire conference was cancelled due to the weather – there was no reason to go to Florida… We weren’t going to be basking in the sun any time soon.

So I started to chip away at the sheet of ice that held our vehicle motionless. I only fell twice, and only slid hard enough to hurt 4-5 times. In trying to opening the tailgate, I took the handle right off the vehicle… We finally slid home 4-5 hours after beginning the normal two hour journey.

The week, didn’t get any better from there, but I won’t bore you with the details, the important question is this – how do you deal with these kinds of weeks?

Let’s face it, we have all had these kinds of weeks – many of us had a rough week last week with the weather across the country – unexpected things pop up in life - how do you cope with it?

- When the store ran out of drive-way salt – did you complain and yell at the cashier, or solve the problem by picking up some water softener salt?

- When the kids were given a few hours, or the entire day off school – did you curse the fact that you needed to change your schedule, or did you find a way to spend some time, maybe even enjoy time, with your family?

- When your travel plans are frozen in “at least and 1-2 inches of ice and up to 12 inches of snow” do you throw the remote at the meteorologist on tv (I thought about it), or do you find a way to reinvest the money you just saved by not traveling?

- When your week is turned upside down – do you withdraw into your shell, or embrace the unexpected and see what it holds for you?

The Unexpected happens quite often, and not just in the winter – how you cope with it can define you as a person, and define your life.

Anger, frustration, resentment, withdrawal, more anger – all natural first impulses when The Unexpected crosses your path (you should’ve heard the first few minutes of finding out our flight was cancelled!), but it’s the dominant thoughts, the ones that come after the impulse and impact how you behave – those are the thoughts you have the most control over, and that are “you”.

So I encourage you to look at how you are handling The Unexpected of this winter, and in your life – if you look at your behavior and attitude and find yourself wanting, change it – you may not be able to change the first impulse, but you can change what comes after.

Why it's Good to be a Steelers Fan

2011-01-30T05:37:00.001-08:00

There’s a bit of a brouhaha cooking up out there this week – especially in north Texas. For those of you who may not know, the Super Bowl is being held this coming Sunday. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be playing for their world record 7th Super Bowl Championship against the Green Bay Packers – they only have 3 Super Bowl wins.

Those of you who know me know I am “a bit” of a Steelers fan. Unfortunately, most of the people I know who are still interested in the game - that is they are not still crying over the Chicago Bears or Indianapolis Colts - the other people I know are Green Bay Packers fans.

You can guess the “good natured” verbal sparring, fact citing, and “my team is better than your team” barrages have gotten, maybe, a little out of control. With another week to go before the game, I am looking forward to it getting a little more rancorous.

But here’s the really cool part – It’s GOOD for us! That’s right, being a fan, a groupie, a devotee, a ‘nerd’ to your favorite movie – it’s actually healthy for us.

Here is what I found about fandom in a recent Psychology Today article:

Whether you are a fan of a sports team, music, or movies – being a fan grants the ability for a temporary, positive, and healthy escape. We all need to escape the rigors an stress of daily life from time to time, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to escape – music, movies, and sport provide a healthy escape, as long as it is not taken to an extreme.

For sports fans, fandom can elevate that feeling of escape into euphoria. A recent study completed at Indiana University reports that when we watch someone perform an action, “mirror neurons” are triggered in our brain – in our mind, if we are watching someone catch the game-winning interception, our brain tricks us into feeling like it is really us doing it. The greater the observer’s personal investment in the action they are watching, the greater fan you are, the more intensely your feel when the interception is caught, or the home run is hit, or the goal is scored.

The study goes on to state that the end result is “a vicarious sense of success” – you get to feel as gifted, talented, invincible, and well paid as the athlete you are watching. All that for the cost of admission – or just sitting in front of the tv watching.

A University of Utah study found that die-hard fans experience the same hormonal surges athletes do. “They become more optimistic about their own life when “their” team wins – and gloomy when ‘their’ team loses. Sorry Packers fans, but February is looking mighty gloomy for you…

Sports fandom taps in to our strong caveman need to be part of a group – sports fans who faithfully follow a local team experience increased social connection – an important component for overall mental-emotional health. It is even believed the “crazier” the fan’s displays for his or her team, the greater the status within the group.

So there it is – being a rabid fan for the soon to be Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers – being a crazy, loud, boisterous fan is good for you – as long as you do don’t let it get out of control.

Packers fans, good luck. But after the game, when you are confronted with those deep feelings of sadness and despair, I know a good therapist you can call.

5 Ways to Help Your Child in a Techno-Crazy World

2011-01-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

I had one heck of a wake-up call this week. Hopefully you are more up-to-date with all this stuff than I am, especially if you have older children. If not, I hope this helps.

I remember a time when I used to think I was pretty knowledgeable about pop-culture and technology. I was hip. Yeah, back when hip meant cool and wasn't something that ached when I ran. I knew about technology when there was only one video-game platform and it allowed you to play against the guy sitting next to you, not the guys sitting in Australia.

Technology has made the world smaller and faster. We can now connect with others around the world and learn the answers to questions in an instant from anywhere at any time. This is certainly a great and wonderful thing.

Except, when it is not.

We've all heard the stories of kids who meet "the wrong people" through social networks; or ran up a $7,000 texting bill, or the child who spends more time playing video games than sleeping, eating, or studying combined.

There are a few very simple parenting basics that apply to this area of life for you and your family. Here are some tips to help your child navigate our techno-crazy world in a healthy way, and maybe help you learn something in the process.

Know what your children are doing online.

I thought I knew what "social media" was - twitter, linked in, facebook - those kinds of things I use every week either personally or professionally. As a "narrow-minded adult", I thought that was the whole of social media - boy was I wrong! There are social networks a-plenty out there! All of which you can access through your computer, laptop, or tablet, and most of which can be accessed through a phone.

Know which ones your child or teen is on. Know what they are doing on them. Know what kind of pictures of themselves they put on these sits. Know who they talk to and why they talk to them. Be a part of your child's online life - be there friend on Facebook, but be there parent in the real world. That means asking your child to be a part of their social networking world, or seeing what they do in these networks.

Set limits.

Setting limits comes right after you know what your child is doing - setting limits is the difficult part for a lot of parents, because we may be too interested in being our child's friend both on Facebook and off. Adolescence is a normally stage of development where children will test limits and push boundaries; it is a loving act to respectfully and responsibly set limits for your child.

This may come in the form of limiting time playing video games, limiting internet time, limiting texts, etc. If your child is spending excessive amounts of time in any of these areas, they are likely to be missing out in other areas. Current research indicates is mixed as too how much teens are texting - but all research agrees, it's quite a bit, somewhere in the 100-200 / day range. If your child is engaging in that much texting, or playing video games for 4-8 hours every night, what areas of life are they missing out on? Setting limits, and explaining why, is the loving thing to do.

Share the cost of technology.

What a precious gift - the ability to understand the nature of work, money, and the true cost of goods. There is nothing wrong with asking your child to pitch in for that new phone they want - owning and using a cell phone is a privilege (a very convenient one for parents, true) not a birthright. Owning the latest and greatest Iphone or Droid is one heck of a privilege, one that can be used as a teaching privilege. The same rings true for any purchase, your child would like to make. Encouraging them to work hard - either at a real job, or around the house - to earn all or part of that purchase introduces them to "the real world", where we all have to work to acquire what we need or want.

Teach them to type.

This can be a direct idea - especially for younger kids - or more of a philosophy in general.

For younger children, there are tons of opportunities for them to learn how to type - you can access a variety of fun and education learn-to-type tools on the internet, allow your child to work on them little-by-little every few days, and they will have it down. It is become increasingly obvious that children are going to need this ability earlier than we ever did.

I remember asking my mom to type my first "research paper" back in 5th grade - I was amazed at her skill on the "typewriter" - that old thing with the keys, arms, and ink. I took my first "keyboarding class" late in college, it helped considerably after several painstaking years typing by 'hunt and peck. My children are already being asked to do research and type papers far earlier than I ever did. They are going to need this skill - help your young children learn it. They are already interested in what you are doing on that machine, let them have their time on it and benefit from it.

The more "philosophical" idea is to teach your children and teens the "right" way to use their technology. This happens through the conversations you have with them about your expectations for their use of tech, as well as the role-modeling you do.

This philosophical also applies to teaching them the appropriate use of social media and your expectations as a parent. I often coach kids and families that social media is a great place to connect, but not always the best place to vent frustrations (or vulgarities) about friends, family, or coworkers. It's amazing how long that stuff lasts.

Spy on your kids.

Sort of. I don't mean this in a James Bond 007 kind of way, but in the way that your child knows that you are always lovingly keeping your eye on them. Check your computer, and phone, and their phone to make sure they are doing what they say they are doing. Have conversations with them about your expectations and check to make sure that they are living within those expectations and guidelines in the real world, and in the world of technology.

It used to be enough for a parent to check their teens dresser drawer for items that were considered "family contraband". Today, there are a lot more places than a dresser drawer, and a lot more things a family might consider "contraband".

My 14 Favorite Resources

2011-01-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take a break from my normal weekly articles to offer you something a little different. As I was perusing my offices the other day, looking for something to read, I realized, “wow, that’s quite a few books”. As I was looking for something for myself, I started to pick out different books for different people – books and movies I had referred to clients, suggested to family, or discussed with my friends. I was rather impressed with myself and how many I had read or recommended in the past year.

I thought you might find it helpful if shared my favorites in the areas most related to Mental Health and Wellness – the initial list was close to 50, so I reduced it to the best of the best. Feel free to comment if you have read them - I’d love to hear what you thought. (Disclaimer: these are ‘affiliate links’, meaning Amazon.com gives me a bright and shiny nickel for each purchase.)

Marriage, Family, and Parenting

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters – Dr. Meg Meeker

I’ve recommend this to many people, and many of you have heard me say I go back to this one at least once a year. If you are as blessed as I am to be the father of girls, this is a MUST read.

Dr. Meeker also has a book on parenting boys, but I have not had a chance to review that one, yet.
Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman & The Gottman Institute
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
My go-to marriage book for my own life, and the one I refer most in my office – scientifically based, but well written and easy to read. Full of interesting concepts, but, more importantly, helpful exercises to help keep your marriage working.

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage - Gottman

The follow-up to the Gottman’s ground breaking work – this one has 10 case studies to read about how other couples handle situations

The Five Love Languages – Chapman

A classic marriage and family tome – and another I recommend in my office fairly regularly - this is the basic one aimed and helping you understand how you best give and receive love in a relationship. There are several variations available aimed at children and teens.

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage
There are times when marriage becomes so difficult that the best option might be to take a break to regroup. When marriage gets rough, sometimes a separation is helpful – this book is aimed and making those times productive, rather than impulsive and angry attempts to escape. If you have reached the point that nothing else works, this book – as well as the support of a marriage and family therapist – can help.

Mental Health & Psychology – samples of the science of understanding human behavior

Outliers: The Story of Success
Macolm Gladwell just doesn’t write bad books – of his four works, this is my current favorite. In Outliers, Gladwell researches and highlights the factors it takes to be a success – why is it certain Canadien children rise to the top of the National Hockey League and others don’t (hint : it has everything to do with the month they were born), how did the Beatles position themselves for success, and how did Bill Gates amass 10,000 hours of experience before anyone else? A fascinating a quick read that will change how you look at success.

Dorothy Otnow Lewis
Guilty by Reason of Insanity: A Psychiatrist Explores the Minds of Killers
If you have ever watched the news and thought, “How can they commit such horrible acts”, when it comes to criminals and their behavior, this book offers case studies and explanations.

Howard Dully
My Lobotomy
The heart-breaking story of one man’s unfortunate childhood that resulted in having part of his brain removed by lobotomy – a process that was performed over 10,000 times in the 1960’s.

Stress: Portrait of A Killer

A great documentary on the life altering impact of unmitigated stress – this is a dvd that spends more time off my bookshelf being loaned out, than it spends on my shelf.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is Seducing America
Dr. Drew has the unique opportunity to work with some of our most famous cultural icons through his psychiatric practice and substance abuse treatment in Hollywood. This book chronicles the mental health issues that are pervasive in Hollywood, as well as how the drive for people today to achieve their “15-minutes of fame” is creating a society of narcissists.

Other – really good books that just didn’t fit into an easy category

Hugh McLeod
Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
Artist Hugh McLeod has a great story about his rise to fame, and a great book of short stories to encourage your creativity. His cartoons focus on topics of business, marketing, creativity, and just about everything in between – if you want a sample, check out his website at www.gapingvoid.com

Linchpin

If you have read more than two of my weekly articles in the past year, then you have heard me talk about Seth Godin – he’s a great entrepreneur, and a bit of a self-help genius without even knowing it. This is really about being all that you can be, doing emotional labor, fighting The Lizard Brain, and achieving.

Dr. Kessler
The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite
Terribly frightening but necessary read about the food industry’s manipulation of what we eat to “trick” us into buying and consuming more. This book will help you to review and understand your own habits an behavior when it comes to food.

5 Reasons Why the Time is NOW

2011-01-10T07:52:00.000-08:00

Procrastination is one of those words that we joke about in order to avoid truly facing and confronting it. Sometimes, it can be seen as a conflict of priorities - like how I have procrastinated on writing this article all weekend; instead I chose to spend the weekend watching football with friends, spending time talking about life, and playing cards until way past out "bed times" - it was well worth it, it was higher up on my list of priorities, but now I have to face the consequences of my choices, and deal with the effects of my procrastination.

There are many times in life where your procrastination will only affect you - as my procrastination is only affecting me now. Usually it just means that you will have to work a little harder, a little faster, a little longer, and maybe a little later when you finally do "get around to it".

However, there are times when your procrastination impacts more than just you; or impacts you in such a way that it is more than just an inconvenience. These situations appear to be more and more prevalent. Here are just a few of the examples when NOW is the time to do something, and procrastination isn't such a joke:

- When the doctor says "your blood pressure is too high - you have to change your diet and start exercising, NOW is the time to make those changes, not next week. When you "wait until next week", "next week" quickly becomes next month, and 5 years have gone by. It may not be as easy to get that blood pressure under control.

- When your child says "look at me", or "will you play with me", or one of the myriad of other questions they may ask you, NOW is the time to pay attention, wholeheartedly, if just for a few seconds. More than likely, nothing that you are doing is going to have more of an impact on the world, than giving that child a few minutes to feel like they are the most importantly person in your world - you teach them they are valued, and you give them the attention they need to grow and develop to be a happy and healthy person.

- When your spouse says to you "I need more attention", or "I would like to improve our relationship", or "I think we need some help", NOW is the time to turn off the tv and give your undivided attention. If you haven't turned off the television enough times in the past, it may be time to call someone for help, or at the very least, check out the helpful work of the folks at the Gottman Institute and their work Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship

- When you are too stressed to sleep, too depressed to get up, or too anxious to go about your day; NOW is the time to do something about it. It MIGHT get better on it's own, but seeking the help you need, or gaining access to the resources that can help, WILL make things better quicker. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it, the only shame is delaying the time it takes to feel better.

- When you have a dream so big that you get excited just thinking about it - NOW is the time to take action! Are you going to train to run a 5k or a marathon? Is it time to leave your job and start your own business? Do you want to publish your ideas or research in your field? Whatever your goal, NOW is the time to start. We live in a time ripe with opportunity, possibility, and new and evolving technologies to success and accomplish. The only thing that is holding you back is your procrastination. The only thing holding you back is you.

Happy New Year! Now Don't Blow It!

2011-01-03T11:11:00.001-08:00

As the new year approached, I wrote quite a bit about setting goals, maintaining goals, accountability to your goals. I even let you in on my goals for 2011.

It's the 3rd day of the new year, and I blew it already....

There were simply too many forms of cheese - my weakness food - at the last holiday gathering this weekend.

I haven't put on my running shoes in forever...

I didn't get out of bed early to write like I said I was going to.

I gained ten pounds over the holidays - NOW the goal to lose ten has doubled...

I just can't do it.

I didn't really think I was going to accomplish those goals.

What a joke.

Sound familiar? This is the voice in my head when things don't quite go as perfectly as planned. I can say a lot more meaner things too, these are just the words fit to print. Do you have a voice like this?

You can tell that voice to go away now - it's time has come. You will succeed in your goals this year. You may not succeed as perfectly as you expected last week, but you will succeed. It's a matter of altering your expectations for success.

You don't have to do it perfectly. You can make mistakes, you can even back-slide or regress. It's not a failure until you give up.

I WILL miss a few training runs before I get to the starting line in May. But the goal isn't to have a perfect training season, it's to finish.

I will succumb to the intoxicating effects of cheese a few more times - it won't be healthy, nor will it be pretty, but I can get back on the wagon.

I will stall until the last minute to write my weekly article, I may not even feel like doing it, but it WILL get done - just not perfectly.

You don't have to be perfect in the process of achieving your goal. You just have to work at it. You can fail as many times as you like. Each failure can be as long as you like - a day, a week, longer - but you can also pick yourself back up after each "failure" to get back on track.

Happy New Year - have a successful, happy, healthy, productive, wonderful, and blessed 2011.

It's the End of the Year as We Know It

2010-12-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

I've talked quite a bit about goal setting and reviewing the past year here in these articles, and in my daily work. I thought that if I was prescribing this for everyone else, it would probably be a good idea for me to engage in some of the same behavior. So I thought it might be helpful for both you and I if I shared some of my goals for the upcoming year - hopefully you can help me with that much needed accountability, and I can do the same for you.

2010 has been a heck of a ride - both personally and globally. The year had its share of up's and down's - of course, I am hoping for more up's than down's in the next year. I've thought of quite a few goals to help - ironically, I found it easy to write about the theory of effective goal setting a few weeks ago, but not so easy to implement in my own goal-setting; specific, measurable, and time-stamped - let's see if I can do that here. Finally, I get the feeling that there will be plenty of accountability through writing these down - maybe more than I bargain for.

A New Direction Counseling website and newsletter make-over. That's right, it's time to update and revamp the website and newsletter. I'm not sure what it will look like for sure - I've got a bunch of ideas dancing around - but it's going to be different. If not by the end of March 2011, then I expect some loud and obvious 'accountability' directed my way.

More opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" in the new site. I had quite a bit of fun creating the Food and Your Mental Health audios. I've got quite a few ideas to offer assistance when it comes to your mental health and wellness, and that of your family, short of coming in to my office. I think 2011 is the year to share more of those ideas. So, by the close of 2011, expect at least two new opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" available on the website. I'm not sure if that will come in the form of audio, video, or printed material, but it will be something - two somethings - by the end of the year.

Let me ask you, what are some topics or ideas you would like to see covered in a "Take Home Therapy" section outside of this newsletter? What do you think would benefit our communities? Feel free to email or comment with your ideas.

A book. Maybe two. From inside my head, to a bound collection of paper - or something more electronic in its representation, like an E-book. I've been putting this off for too long, and now 2011 is the year I will do it. It may be as simple as a collection of articles from over the years, things I have printed here or not. Then again, it could be original work along the lines of the Family Plan idea I've been sketching out - it could be both. Either way, you will see 1-2 books / e-books from me in 2011. If they are not in your hand within 370 days - I would appreciate a large amount of accountability.

Finally, one more half-marathon. May 2011. I'm already registered, now I only need to get to the starting line then to the finish line with a few miles in between. This time around, I hope to maintain my streak of beating my training partner - which should be too hard, as I would assume he is reading this article with a donut in one hand, and the tv remote in the other hand. This time around, I'd like to train consistently enough to beat my previous outings by at least a few minutes. It's been three years since I wasn't even able to run for one sustained minute. To celebrate, I'd like to beat my old time by 3-minutes. That's as simple as following the training schedule that starts in January. I'm going to need some accountability and discipline for that.

Four BIG goals - two by the end of the year; two in the first half of the year. I can do it. It's going to be a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

What about you?

What are your BIG goals for next year? Have you started planning yet? Have you written them down and thought about how to hold yourself accountable? Who will help you with your accountability?

Enjoy the rest of 2010. Make a great new year.

5 Tips for a Happy and Healthy Holiday

2010-12-19T07:28:00.001-08:00

Many of us are wrapping up our holiday preparations – or anxious pressing full-steam-ahead to complete them. This is a time of year characterized by time with family, time away from work, and a celebration of family traditions and our spiritual life.

It is also a time of year characterized by stress and some unhealthy behaviors. Here are a few suggestions to prevent the stress from getting to you, and to help insure you have a Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays.

- Indulge often, but in moderation. You know this is the time of year when we have some of those special treats that are only brought out for the holidays – cookies and desserts we remember from childhood, traditional family meals, all those things that make the holidays special. Enjoy them – treat yourself – a little bit. Trying to avoid all of those goodies will only make you grumpy and difficult to be around; eating them with reckless abandon will make you feel guilty and bloated; but finding the right bit of moderation to sample is the key to enjoying holiday food.
- Embrace the pace. Whether you have a whirlwind of travel plans to visit every family member in one day, or a relaxed day at home, know what the day holds, and prepare for it. Whatever your traditions for the holidays, whatever your plans; prepare for them, embrace them, and enjoy.
- Spend wisely. You may have read this previously, but it bears repeating – there is no more sure-fire way to cause yourself undue holiday stress, than to spend too much or to leverage your credit cards for holiday gifts. Spend smart, and go in to 2011 with a solid financial plan.
- Enjoy family traditions – or start some new ones. Traditions help to keep us grounded and connected to our past, and to important relationships – starting new traditions builds new connections with family and friends.
- Have realistic expectations – there are few, if any, times in life where everything is “perfect”, yet we still have at tendency to aim for it – which can often be one of the greatest stressors we put ourselves through during the holidays. Rather than trying to make everyone happy with the “perfect” gift and a “perfect” gathering; set goals for what is “good enough” for you and your family.

Enjoy! Maybe that should be the easiest and most obvious tip. Whatever you do, whomever you are with, where ever you are – have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

How to Design a Successful New Year's Resolution

2010-12-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

2010 is coming to a close – there’s still quite a few days left to be enjoyed in the year, and I hope you are making plans to have a wonderful close to 2010. It is usually this time of year when we start talking about “resolutions” for next year . OK, so most of us don’t start
thinking about these resolutions for a few more weeks, but if you want them to be successful, I’m here to encourage you to start thinking about your goals now, versus on December 31st.

What factors help to make a goal successful? Or, a better question may be, how can you insure that you will be successful in YOUR goals in 2011?

Your goal should be specific and measureable. If you want to lose weight or become healthier, it is helpful to define what that means in specific and measureable terms. How much weight do you want to lose? What, specifically, does it mean to be “healthier” – less fast food, more veggies, a combination of both? If you want to put yourself in a better financial situation, how do you plan to do that? Will you save more? How much? Will you spend less? How much less? The first step in setting a goal and working towards success is to make that goal specific and measureable.

The next biggest factor in insuring your goal is successful is to put an expiration date on it – time stamp it – put it on the calendar. By adding a sense of time and urgency, you encourage yourself to break down the goal into bite-sized chunks over smaller periods of time. If you want to lose 20 pounds, when do you want to lose it by; March? June? Next year? 20 pounds in two months is an average of 2.5 pounds per week; extending that goal out 6 months makes it even easier. But the bottom line is setting a time limit helps you to make a more realistic weekly break-down. This works just as easily for financial goals – whether saving or paying down debt – by setting a measureable goal with a time-stamp, you can break it down into smaller, manageable chunks.

Finally, one key factor in achieving your goals is to build in accountability. You can be accountable to yourself by writing the goal down and reviewing your progress every week – you can also incorporate a variety of tools – there are tons online and just as many you can put on your phone for weight-loss, exercise, calorie counting, financial saving, etc. Sometimes, adding accountability is as simple as asking a trusted friend or companion to hold you accountable to your goal, or to work with you on the same goal.

Have a great holiday season, Merry Christmas, and good luck in the new year.

Are You the World's Worst Boss?

2010-12-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Complain about your boss all you want, you might be an even worse boss. In fact, you might be The World’s Worst Boss. At least that was the message in a recent article I read by Seth Godin. You can read the full article here: http://bit.ly/dTb78J . In it, he shares a variety of reasons why you might be the world’s worst boss – I really encourage you to read the whole thing, as I’m going to focus only on two words he wrote in the article, the idea of “managing yourself”.

As the article says, there are quite a few books available on the science and business of managing others, not so many on managing yourself. Even with that, managing others is a tough task – ask anyone who has to do it on a daily basis.

But what about the idea of managing yourself? There aren’t as many books out there on that topic, if there are any at all. We seem to live in a time when managing yourself is a necessary life-skill, but NOT managing yourself is the standard.

What would it look like if you were a better manager of yourself?
Managers have the responsibility of appropriately managing a variety of resources. How do you manage your resources?

How do you manage your time? Are you overworking yourself, or not using time effectively?

What about your finances – do you have enough coming in, or too much going out?
How do you manage the “natural resources” you have, like food?

Are you effectively managing your “culture”, your social connections?

Are you a good boss? How would you assess your performance and how you manage your self?

How to Deal with "New" Holiday Traditions

2010-11-28T11:46:00.000-08:00

As I sit here on Black Friday, writing for an article to be released on Cyber Monday, pondering Small Business Saturday, and feeling absolutely stuffed from our Thanksgiving meal, I was struck with the fact that we have some pretty crazy ways to handle ourselves at this time of the year!

I mean, really, did I HAVE to eat that much yesterday? It WAS pretty good – I have some pretty amazing cooks in my family – so it was more like absolutely delicious; but so is most food this time of year! If you are like me, food is good ANY time of the year! Why do we plan to stuff ourselves mercilessly, and then moan when we are at the point of bursting? How many news flashes have you seen preparing you for all the weight you’re are going to put on this next month, and what you need to do about it after the fact?

And what about this idea that we simply must go out and indulge every instinct we have to spend extravagantly? There are some really good deals out there today, and over the next few weeks, but that still doesn’t mean you need them! In some ways, it’s as though we have been programmed to act against our own better judgment in the name of the holidays. How many of you looked back at that Billy the Bass Singing Fish and thought, ‘did I really buy that’? There are millions of stories like it.

Finally, the other new tradition that is a little unsettling is this idea that we must fear our families and experience excessively large degrees of anxiety at the thought of being with them over the holidays, or we just don’t love them enough. Look, my family is as crazy as anyone’s (I can say that publicly, because I’m pretty sure they won’t see this – if they do see it… just testing!), but there is no need to development the stress and anxiety that the movies and popular media tell us we must in order to show our “love” for our families.

It seems we’ve gotten things a little mixed up over the years, so I thought I would suggest some advice as we begin this ‘most wonderful time of the year’, so that you don’t have to begin planning a next year of resolutions and regret.

- Plan your eating. You know this is a rough time of year for the waist-line, start exercising now, not in a month. Volunteer to bring healthy dish to the office-party of family gathering instead of the cheesy-macaroni with extra cheese baked in butter-cheese with a side of cheese-sauce (yeah, it IS good, but…) Read up on healthy alternative out there at places like Eat This Not That, Men’s Health, or Women’s Health. Be conscious of what you are doing to your body, take care of it so that you can full enjoy the holiday season.
- Spend wisely. Like I said, just because a $1000 television is on sale for $500 dollars doesn’t mean I need to go spend $500 “because it’s on sale”. “Sale” is a marketing wizard’s way of saying ‘come spend money you never intended to spend’. Be smart with your finances. Spend money, not credit. Seek advice from people who know – I am a huge fan of the books of Dave Ramsey and his website DaveRamsey.com; Clark Howard also offers great advice on his website and radio show. If nothing else, keep in mind that time spend and memories created is a far better gift than a trinket.
- If you completed the ‘homework’ in my last article, I hope that “family”, in some way or another, was near the top of your gratitude list. Be grateful for your family. Plan for a little holiday dysfunction, embrace it, prepare for it; but most importantly enjoy it – it’s part of your family and who you are.

I hope you have a wonderful, enjoyable, and blessed holiday season.

Dan Recommends:

If you are looking to improve your physical health, this is the book that got me started:

Giving Thanks - More Than a Meal

2010-11-21T10:52:00.000-08:00

Gratitude isn’t an easy concept to practice on a regular basis. We take one holiday each year to focus in on it – but it seems that amidst the cooking, cleaning, preparing, and family dysfunction, we tend to forget that the day was originally intended to offer thanks and gratitude for a bountiful harvest, and the relationships that helped achieve that harvest.

How does this relate to Mental Health and Wellness, you might ask? The study of gratitude has been quite the hot topic in the field of Positive Psychology over the past ten years. But rather than discuss the research literature of trait gratitude (the individual differences in how people feel and express gratitude) versus state gratitude (the pro’s and con’s of the short-term experience of the emotional state of gratitude) I thought it might be a bit more helpful to share with you an exercise in gratitude, and challenge you to find gratitude on your own this week.

This is a fairly simple exercise I used to do with young people and their families year ago – this can be either an individual or family exercise. Grab a piece of paper and something to write with for each person, and list all the things you are grateful for. Set a time limit, or to really challenge yourself, try to come up with 101 things you are grateful for. Once you get past the “easy” ideas, you will really start to realize all that you have. This is a great exercise for this time of year, but, much like the concept of gratitude itself, should be practiced more regularly.

My challenge for you this week – complete a gratitude list by yourself, or with your family. Take the time to discuss it with your family. I’ll get you started:

1. A loving wife who appreciates me despite my flaws (most of the time)
2. Two beautiful daughters and the joy and stress that comes with raising them
3. A career that provides for my family, and allows me to help others
4. A community that supports my ventures in life, but keeps me grounded
5. A fun and loving extended family that is a blessing to share the holidays with, quirks and all
6. My family of origin, who helped to mold me into the person I am today, again, quirks and all
7. Readers who tolerate my rantings, and appreciate what I have to share
8. ____________________________________________

Your turn – what would you add to the list? How many more items could you add?

Have a safe and enjoyable holiday!

Dan Recommends

Even though the Gratitude List is an exercise I used to do many years ago, I was reminded of it after reading the latest book by Rainn Wilson (yes, he IS Dwight for The Office) and company: SoulPancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions
- it's a fairly eclectic collection of art an ideas. If you like self-exploration on some of life's more intersting questions, add tis one to your list.

Do Your Friends Make You Smarter?

2010-11-15T06:39:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, I am no expert on the ever-increasing popularity of the social phenomenon Twitter and Facebook have created. I do know that the more social connections you have - the better you are. The more real face-to-face friendships you have, the better life is. There is a large body of research that agrees with that statement and that can add statistics and theory to it. An entire field of psychology, Social Psychology, is dedicated to the study of how we interact, and what it does to us.

Friends are good. More friends are better, no matter what the situation. Friendships can help you recover from terrible situations in life. They can help you avoid terrible situations as well. Friendships fight of mental illness, and can prevent poor decisions. I was given several opportunities lately to put that research to the test - one happy reason, a wedding; and a sad reason, a funeral.

Whatever the reason, it is important for us to continually work to improve our friendships, cultivate new ones, and maintain the ones we have. Here's why:

- When our own subjective view of reality gets a little bit distorted - whether about ourselves, our careers, or our other relationships, good friends are there to objectively reintroduce us to reality - whether gently or more directly, a good friend is there when we need to hear "get it together".

- Research says friends will also engage in mutually helpingbehavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. What does that mean? It means that when you need a hand, a friend is there - and you should be there when they need that hand.

- Want to feel better - call a friend. Better yet, spend an afternoon reminiscing over "the good old days". Taking the time to get together and remember the past is a key to a healthy life.

- Want to live longer and stay smarter? Build more friendships and maintain them - research in older adults continues to point out that the more friends, and the more stable the relationships, the better we are at maintaining mental flexibility and fighting off the negative aspects of aging.

Hopefully, these points are no major revelation to anyone reading this. However, in a time of greater digital connectivity, we seem to be losing some of our connectivity in friendships. Relationships where we had to work to build a "friendship" are being replaced by clicking "Accept" to become friends. These concepts should be self-evident, but sometimes it is good to be reminded.

For me, it was great connecting over that week of ups and downs. Life can sometimes work you pretty hard - but don't let it work you too hard to miss out on one the most enjoyable, and most important parts of life - friendships.

So, as the holidays approach, take some time away from all the "busy-ness" of the upcoming weeks to rebuild or improve your friendships. As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to thank all those friends that have helped me grow, but kept me in check, helped me move quickly, or slowed me down, made me feel smarter, or reminded me that I am not as smart as I like to think I am. Thanks. Let's get together soon.

Dan Recommends

I've shared my appreciation for Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail. Bryson is simply a great author who can make anything entertaining. So it was an easy decision to pick up his latest book A Short History of Nearly Everything: Special Illustrated Edition

First of all, it's not short, nor is it small. But it does appear to contain EVERYTHING! It's fairly deep, so I am only in the first chapter How to Build a Universe; and, true to form, it's been quite a read already. Bryson has gone pretty deep to help simple people like me understand the origins of the universe, the various theories leading up to the Big Bang, and where "God" and science fit in to the whole thing. I'll tell you more as I read along. If those "deep" questions are something that interest you, I highly recommend this one.

Put a Little "Om" in Your Day

2010-11-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

Deep breathing and meditation have long been used by many cultures as an avenue to improved health. These exercises can relieve stress, provide relaxation in the moment, and improve our ability to handle the pressures of daily living. Engaging in these exercises on a daily basis can decrease the symptoms of anxiety and depression. Regular practice will have lasting effects that improve our overall mental, emotional, and physical health.

What is deep breathing? The act of deep breathing itself is simple. Unfortunately, we have become a culture of stressed out, on-the-go, shallow breathers - our daily activity typically keeps us so active, we forget to breathe.

Taking just 10-20 minutes of our day to focus on our breathing and to calm our minds can vastly improve our ability to succeed in our on-the-go days. Again, the practice itself is simple:

- Find a comfortable place to sit. Sitting in an upright position, trying not to slouch, will help open up your midsection and increase your ability to breathe deeply.

- Finding a time and place in our day where we will be uninterrupted for these 10-20 minutes is critical.

- It may be helpful to set a gentle alarm when you are practicing your deep breathing. If you are focused on being done in exactly 10 minutes, it may be difficult to focus on your breathing - setting an alarm takes the focus off the time so that you can just breathe.

- The breathing process itself is simple:

Take in a deep breath through your nose, filling up your lungs and more importantly, filling up your abdomen - the process of breathing in through your nose should take 7-9 seconds. Repeat.

While you are practicing, your mind may wander - especially the first several times you practice, you may find yourself worrying or going back to anxious thoughts. This is your time to focus on your breathing and relax, there will be time for worry and all those other thoughts after you are done.

Do You Need a Pill?

2010-11-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

It's nearing that time of year for me to climb up on my soapbox and talk about one my favorite topics - the confluence of medicine and psychology. If it doesn't apply to you, maybe it applies to someone you know.

It's that time of year in that it gets colder and darker and our bodies tend to feel like hibernating. The holidays are drawing near, which is typically a wonderful time of year, but one full of stress to "get things done" and the reality of revisiting the dysfunction of our families - it's a mixed bag to say the least. Let's not forget our tendency to spend more, eat more, and exercise less over the next two months. All factors that lead to the decline in our overall mental health, and the statistically highest rates of depression recorded through the year.

What can you do about it?

You have several options:

If you know you struggle with depression, or anxiety, or seasonal affect disorder; if you have come to the realization over the past few years that you struggle through the holidays, maybe it's time to get some help.

If you have seen your physician for these concerns over the past few years, maybe it's time to check in again. If you have been on the same anti-depressant for a few years, it's probably time to try something different. It's my belief that you really aren't meant to be taking these kinds of medications for extended periods of time, anyway.

Another option is to talk to someone about it. You could chat with a friend or a trusted peer - it might help and you could get some really good advice. However, it could be a good idea to chat with someone with a history of successfully helping people who are struggling with stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Working with a counselor, therapist, social worker, or psychologist will help, and it might be the best solution for your situation. Their job, their education, their vocation in life is to help people who struggle with these issues, it's what they do. If there is a good fit between you and your therapist, the results of the work you do can far surpass your expectations.

Sometimes, most of the time, the best results are found at that confluence of psychology and medicine - when your physician and counselor communicate. Research tells us that the BEST solution to situations such as depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns is a combination of medication and talk therapy.

Your other option is to ride it out - it's only two months. Grind through the stress of the cold months and holidays with a fake smile and an attitude of "bah humbug". Just get through them. Maybe it could help if you had a few drinks to cope, right? Once you get to January, it all get's better... doesn't it?

As a therapist myself, I may be a little biased in saying that the final solution isn't always the best. But like I said, I know I'm biased. With that bias comes a natural inclination to encourage you to match your needs with what is going to help the best. If you historically struggle through the end of the year into the new year - whether it is a family situation, a marriage concern, or difficulty drinking too much through the holidays; or maybe you simply find yourself struggling through the next few months in a haze of depression or anxiety - there is help available. Ask your physician who she would recommend you see in a counseling situation; if they can't refer you to one, give me a call or email, I would be happy to help.

Dan Recommends

If you've read these articles much, you know I'm a huge fan of meditation for anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if I have recommended this work - truly one of my favorites - because I have not been sure if it has been available on Amazon. But now it is. This is a great book and CD on meditation by fellow professor Rev. Sam Boys. If you are at all interested in learning more about meditation with music, I highly recommend you take a look at his book:

Rotten Weather Family Time

2010-10-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

I was hoping for some nice family time outside - maybe raking up some of these leave - but as I look out the window of my writing space, I see gray skies, wind whipping around, and rain blowing sideways... Not the day outside I was hoping for.

We are getting near that time of year where good times outside are becoming fewer and farther between. But that does not mean "family time" needs to come to a halt as our outside walks do.

Family movie time has been a long-standing tradition. I think it was started by Disney and ABC back in the 1980's... at least in my mind it was. I remember excitedly looking forward to whatever Walt and Jiminy Cricket would put on that evening. It was always fun, and usually pretty "wholesome" - what I call "healthy" and "appropriate" today - something we don't seem to have enough of on tv "these days".

As we prepare to face these cold and rainy days and nights, I thought it might help if I put together a brief listing of my favorite family movies, and some ways you can use them to grow closer together.

The Incredibles - this is a great entertaining way to talk about family values. Watching a family of superheroes might call to questions like: if we were superheroes, what superpowers would we have? What would stand for as a superhero family? How are we similar to the family in the movie - how are we different?

There are quite a few movies out there on coping with parental expectations - yes Mom & Dad, sometimes we may have ideas that our little one may just not be able to, or may not WANT to, live up to. Talking about these expectations, and understanding where your child coming from, is a great way to bond and guide your child. A few of my favorite family movies that start this conversation:

How to Train Your Dragon - fun film about living up to dad's expectations in your own way - and superseding them if given the chance. This is easily one of my favorites of the past few years.

Kicking and Screaming - great children's movie with Will Ferrell as a too-competitive soccer-coach-dad trying to coach a team to beat HIS too-competitive soccer-coach-dad. Great humor with a great message, and one for all of us parent-coaches to check in with once in a while.

Willy Wonka OR Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - both great movies, but the newer Tim Burton / Johnny Depp work is a little "darker", but ripe with more meaning. I like that one for older kids. Either way, whichever you choose, both have plenty of opportunity for conversation - the roles and behavior of the various "not-so-nice" kids, Willy's relationship with his father in the Burton movie, Charlie's relationship with his family in both movies. Whichever one you choose, look for the opportunities to relate to your family.

Another idea for the older kids in the family - just about any one of the recent Marvel Super Hero movies ; Fantastic Four, X-Men, Wolverine, Iron Man, Daredevil, Spiderman, etc., is ripe with themes of rising above personal tragedy, family relationships, teamwork, and conquering obstacles. Once you get past all the imagery and "ZAP - BANG" (which is why we watch them, right?), take a look at them for the ideas that relate to you and your family.

So the next time you face a rainy day, or a cold snowy evening; grab a bag of popcorn, and a good movie to start the family conversation.

Quick Tips for Effective Discipline

2010-10-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

There aren't many jobs that are guaranteed to last 18+ years. Once you agree to it, you've signed on for a two-decade run. Few jobs are as difficult. No job is as full of ups and downs, sadness, frustration, elation, and joy. No benefits or salary any place else could even come close.

Parenting.

It's the toughest job any of us could have ever signed up or.

Fortunately, there are plenty of guides available - just check your local bookstore. The frightening part is that they all say something different. In the end, you are left to take a little of what you learned from your parents, compromise with your teammate co-parent, and figure it out on your own.

Fortunately, as long as you show up every day and give it your all, you'll do an outstanding job. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Trust your gut. You are endowed with an amazing "PARENTAL INSTINCT" the moment your child is born - never doubt it.

Ask for help when you need it.

There is plenty more advice I could offer, but that's a good place to start for general information. I thought I would provide some keys to effective discipline to consider. It seems to be an area we all struggle with - I know I do - and I've heard the stories of other's who do as well.

Discipline with love

Listen and communicate

Focus on the behavior, not the child

Respond immediately

Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity

Be realistic

Remain calm

Be fair

Do not harm or injure

Set boundaries

Make it a learning opportunity

Be consistent

Be creative

Develop rules and expectations in advance

Use timeouts

Reward or praise desirable behaviors

Model desired behavior

Encourage the child's cooperation and understanding

Develop behavioral contracts and incentive charts

You may be using a few of these already - the more you use, the better. You don't have to use them all - you don't have to be perfect. You've got quite a while to work on them. They work for entire span of the job.

Dan Recommends

A few of my favorite parenting tomes:

This is a great series for all ages of children:

My favorite for Dad's with daughters, and a book I have read just about every year since my first daughter was born:

Finally, a series of awesome books on how to connect with loved ones - this one specifically for kids, but there's also a great one for couples:

Life Lessons from the Trail (Again)

2010-10-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

What a wonderfully amazing and beautiful trip into the back woods of the northern "mitten" of Michigan. It was really one of those trips that are hard to describe in words. We went just at the right time, and had brought with us considerable learning from our previous endeavors. We felt well prepared. But it's funny how you might only remember the good things.

Because, on the other hand, as I think about it; it was a cold, rainy, windy trip. It rained the entire first day. The only thing protecting us from the 30-35 mph winds at night was a few sheets of nylon and polyester. The second night, it was bitter cold - just a bit above freezing. Again, there were lessons to be learned - lessons that not only apply to hiking and camping, but to life in general.

DREAM - somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we seem to lose the ability to dream big. I'm not sure why, but it seems taboo to dream big as an adult. If it wasn't for dreaming big, we never would have thought of this particular trip.

PLAN - we have such a great opportunity to dream and then plan unique experiences that previous generations didn't - all because of the internet. There are so many possibilities to see, do, and travel, that it seems like such a waste not to plan something big, or plan something to get out of the house on the weekend. It doesn't have to be hundreds of miles away, but could be a local festival or event in your community. Planning, getting up and off the couch, boosts self-esteem, increases relationships, and really just feels good!

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT - this can be applied to hobbies, work, relationships or personal growth. Get out and do something you haven't done before. A year ago, it didn't seem possible to hike 20+ miles through a National Forest, carrying everything to survive in a backpack. It took the investment of a lot of time and energy to get there; we had to stretch far outside our comfort zones to get there. There was a lot to learn. In striving to do something different, we are forced to learn, to adapt, to grow. The more we do, the more we grow as individuals.

NETWORK - social networks are more than just a screen, and keyboard, and a Facebook account. Research over the past 50 years continues to prove that the more friends we have, the more people we spent time with in conversation and affiliation, the healthier we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Time spent with friends should be uplifting and enjoyable, and leave us feeling better for the experience.

It's a beautiful time of year. I encourage you to dream, plan, and do with friends and family. It is a simple step to improve your overall health, and to simply enjoy life.

Dan Recommends

If I have at all inspired you to even consider backpacking, hiking, or camping, these two books are the place to start:

The definitive guide for just about every question you might have, from the guy who has hiked around the world several times over - literally: The Backpacker's Handbook, and my favorite piece of hiking lore, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trailis a very funny and invigorating story of the author's attempts at hiking the Appalachian Trail.

On the other hand, if you are more of a festival goer in the Midwest, this one is a great one for families: Kids Love Indiana: A Parent's Guide to Exploring Fun Places in Indiana With Children...Year Round!

Enjoy!

The Dangerous Side of Self-Talk

2010-10-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

I always hated public speaking. My first speech in my first speech class was horrifying. My classmates were concerned I was going to drop dead on the spot. I sweat profusely enough that it was raining on my notes. My face was beet red - I may have stopped breathing for 8-9 minutes. It was bad. From that moment on I swore never to speak publicly again.

What a cruel joke life can play on us. I've had to do quite a bit of public speaking over the past 15+ years. Initially, it was by force; eventually, I grew to like it. Today, I think it is quite fun. Rumor has it, I'm pretty "OK" at it. So it wasn't that big of a deal when I was asked to read in front of the entire church this past weekend. It wasn't even like I was speaking, just reading. I knew to take the time to review the material and practice a few times. It should've been a piece of cake, just like it had been a dozen times before.

Apparently, life had a few lessons to remind me of that day - because they came flooding back once I was up there, stammering in front of 100 people (no, wait, maybe it was 200 - surely it was a thousand; possibly even ten thousand, my mind raced...)

It really is an amazing phenomenon how your brain can split off and do multiple things at one time - "multi-tasking" we sometimes call it today.

While I was up there reading a few verses I had practiced for several days, my mind was going everywhere it shouldn't. My self-talk was in danger of derailing the entire situation. While I was only reading for a few moments, my brain was able to conjure up a million negative thoughts, ideas, and appraisals - all directed at how terrible I was doing. Imagine these ideas coming at you at light-speed, all generated by your own voice in your head:

- Everyone is looking at you
- They can't even hear you
- Why are they looking at you like that
- You learned the wrong stuff!
- Nobody is even paying attention
- You are reading the wrong stuff!
- I knew you would say the wrong word there!
- You are TERRIBLE at this!
- Your stammering
- You're sweating!
- Can they see me sweat?
- Your voice is cracking
- You should stop
- He's going to tell you to stop

Of course, the other obvious idea that came to mind was, "you should really write about this".

I know many of us experience this phenomenon of negative self-talk throughout the day. When we experience it too much, it can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health, or self-esteem, relationships, and our work. The bottom line is, it's just not healthy to go through your day telling yourself these negative things, ESPECIALLY when they are irrational, unreal, and far from the truth!

There are a variety of ways to reverse this course. Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It really can be as simple as saying more positive things to yourself: I am succeeding, I'm not too bad at this, I'll get through this, etc.

Taking the time away from a critical situation to consider your negative self-talk can also help. Once you read this article, take a few minutes to write down a list of the negative things you say to yourself. Then write the positive on the other side of the paper. In doing that, you have just taken a huge step in changing your self-talk.

Dan Recommends

Just as patterns of negative self-talk can impact our mental and emotional health; negative patterns in our relationships can have an unhealthy effect on us, and those around us. I've found myself recommending this book to a lot of people lately - if you are struggling in your marriage, or would simply like to improve an already strong relationship, this is a great research based, but easy to read guide.

Are You Hitting Your Peaks?

2010-09-27T06:11:00.000-07:00

There are those glorious moments in life when we just feel like everything is perfect; Maslow summed it up as "those sudden feelings of intense well-being that fill us with wonder and awe; a beautiful sunset in an amazing vacation location, experiencing that "AH HA moment" after searching or an answer, summiting the peak of a previously insurmountable. There are many more to describe, despite how infrequently they seem to occur.

A recent Psychology Today article seems to suggest that we can help ourselves achieve more of these peak moments through a few simple alterations to our decisions and behavior. Here are a few ideas to help you experience more. If your life seems to be passing in a dull blur, try these steps for having more highlights.

Volunteer. The best way to not only create peak experiences, but keep them rolling in like waves, one after another, is to be part o a larger community that is making the world a better place", says Jeffrey Kottler, Professor of Psychology at California State University. "It doesn't really matter where you being... just save one person or join one cause, and let it grow from there. The passion can follow the action."

Challenge yourself. Something I am constantly encouraging others to do, and working on myself. "Periods of struggle to overcome challenges are what people find the most enjoyable times of their lives", says Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, director of the Quality of Life Center at the University of Chicago and author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He advises setting a tough goal and starting on the steps that will lead to success. The challenge can be physical, mental, or a combination, like learning to play a musical instrument, reading the complete works of a famous classical author or poet, or completing a triathlon.

Buy Experiences - Not Things. This idea seems so difficult in a culture that is constantly marketing to us to buy the latest greatest and newest toy. These new toys usually make us extremely happy, for a very short amount of time... I rarely hear people rave about their new phone or computer for more than a few weeks after the purchase - and usually they are complaining if they bought in a manner where they have to pay continually (credit). But you frequently here them share about the amazing vacation they took with their family, or the wonderful dinner they splurged on, or the show that took their breathe away. Buy a child a new toy, and they will eventually forget about it, share time or an experience with your child, and they will talking about it as an adult.

Daydream about the future. "If you want to cultivate more memorable experiences, you have to have a love affair with the future", says Shane Lopez of the Gallup polling organization. "Painting a colorful picture will provide the energy to move forward". Daydreaming about the future, planning a course of action, and achieving is a sure method to more peak moments.

Recommended Reading:

If you are looking for more peak experiences and trying to achieve them in a creative way, this book is for you. I love Hugh McLeod's humor and his inspiring art. This book is full of both.

5 Steps to Better Decisions

2010-09-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

Do I ask her to marry me? Should I tell him it's over? Can I ask my boss for a raise? Is it time to quit my job? Should I start my own business? Should I spend, or should I save?

Life is full of critical decisions. Every day is full of not so critical, minor decisions. We are constantly confronted with situations where we must decide -so how do you do it? It is it a quick and easy impulse, a decision you've made countless times before, or is it a painstakingly drawn out weighing of advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons?

Whether you are struggling to make an important decision, or working to change your more impulsive decisions, there are five questions you can ask yourself to help you along the way. I've used these questions, originally researched by Maultsby over 20 years ago, to work through my own decisions in life, and to help many others:

Is my thinking based on objective fact? This questions offers you a moment of pause to think about the facts, and to make sure you are considering the "facts" and not just your opinion, wants, needs, impulse, etc. Too many times, we can trace poor decisions back to acting on impulse, and not on fact. Too often, we may think "fact" and "opinion" are interchangeable - when it comes to making effective decisions, they're not.

Does my thinking help protect my life and health? Big decisions really deserve the time to ask if it is protective, and I think we often give those big decisions that thought. It's the small decisions - the daily decisions to eat veggies or drive-through, to hit the snooze button one more time or go exercise - these decisions are the ones we might want to stop and ask ourselves this question more often.

Does this decision advance my short-term and long-term goals? What are your goals in life; goals for today, this week, this year, and this lifetime? When we have goals, and we allow them to impact our daily decisions, we tend to be happier with our decisions.

Does my thinking help me prevent unwanted and unnecessary conflict with myself and others? I know when a decision is going to put me in conflict, especially at home. I think most people recognize when a decision is going to put themselves in conflict, but we choose with immediate gratification versus long-term serenity. A good decision is keeps us out of conflict.

Does my thinking help me feel the way I need to? Quite simply - do I feel guilty if I make this decision? Not all decisions are about guilt, but very often they are about avoiding guilt. Considering the emotional impact of our decisions will often lead to healthier decisions.

A Personal Challenge

2010-09-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

It's a small exaggeration to say that there were points when we thought one of us was going to die, or at best, we were going to drive each other crazy.

By the time we got to our destination we were out of water, the heat had skyrocketed to over 100 degrees, the flies were as big as small dogs, and the mosquitoes swarmed in cloud-like unison. To make matters worse, we had to turn around and go back 4-5 hours journey to have any hope at cooling off the next day.

It could be said that first trip was an absolute disaster. It was horrible.

We are planning to do it again in just a few weeks.
WHY?

If for no other reason, because it's fun. Seriously. I think there is something enjoyable in pushing yourself to the limits. And we discovered quite a bit about our limits - physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. We learned a lot during that disastrous little adventure. There are a ton of reasons to give it a try again - reasons most of us should find in our life.

Reason 1 - first, a little bit of research and psycho-babble jargon to make you think - to stretch your cognitive abilities, if you will. Why? Because research says it is important to stretch and exercise your brain just like you stretch and exercise your muscles (you ARE stretching and exercising your muscles, aren't you?)

When we are born, our brain starts out as a flexible, malleable mass of neurons sitting atop our spinal cord - our job is to fill it full of knowledge. This is easier to due in our earlier years - brain cells fire quicker, faster, better when we are younger. As we age, our brain loses it's plasticity; our intelligence becomes more "crystallized" - that's why our thinking becomes more rigid, and our memory becomes more difficult to remember, the older we become.

One way to fight this - to stay nimble of memory, and quick of wit - is to constantly challenge yourself in your daily living. We do that by constantly trying to learn new things, - read, research, discover. Engaging in activities - trying new foods - exploring different opportunities in life - all are great opportunities to stretch your brain and work to maintain that plasticity throughout your life.

Reason 2 - Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger - and in our world where there isn't much that can kill you, it's healthy to step outside your comfort zone and make an attempt to push yourself. Our caveman brothers and sisters had to fear for their lives every time they stepped outside their cave; that helped them to evolve into what we are today. They had to grow stronger, faster, and smarter to survive - we don't have the same environmental forces pushing us, so it's helpful to push ourselves to grow smarter, faster, and stronger in all aspects of our life.

Reason 3 - Failure is good for you (as long as it doesn't kill you - see #2) - some of my greatest revelations in life have come only as a result of attempting to do something great, and failing miserably. There once was a time where those miserable defeats would shut me down for quite a while - they still sting, but I have learned to assess the problem and move on from it - to grow from it and try again. This has been one of the most valuable life lessons I have learned, and it came with quite a cost, a cost that was well worth it.

So now I want to challenge you - I've listed three reasons why you should challenge yourself, what will you do with it? Is there a challenge or a goal you've been thinking about undertaking? Is now the time? Take a moment to share about it at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com 's Articles section - it makes you accountable to yourself when you write it down, it allows others to help you to be accountable to your goal when you share it.

My goal - I'm going to hike 20+ miles through the North Country Scenic Trail, and not just survive it this time, but ENJOY it.

What's your goal - work related? A social venture? A new personal goal? Share about it in the Articles-Comments section at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com

Is Your Child on Drugs?

2010-09-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

The start of school is usually a bitter-sweet time for parents. Summer is coming to an end, as is the extra time we get to spend with our children. Along with this sadness, most parents sigh a collective sigh of relief to watch the youngsters go back to school.

My time as director of an intensive adolescent substance abuse treatment center taught me that this is also the time of year young people start their experimentation with drug use - sometimes leading to full-blown dependence by the next semester, if their use goes unchecked.

A new school year is a time of great change for any child, for those changing schools - from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school - it's also a time of meeting new friends, and learning more about themselves. This is also the time children and adolescents may come into contact with alcohol, marijuana, prescription pills, or other illicit substances.

It is an important time for parents to understand that no matter how much you have tried to shield your child, no matter where you live, substance use is abundant in our culture, and in the adolescent culture. An educated parent is her child's best ally against substance use.

This is not meant to scare you, but to encourage you to educate yourself, and to realize the subtle and insidious nature of substance abuse - it CAN effect YOUR child! I have worked with the children from families of every part of life and many parts of the country - children of Federal Agents, Truck Drivers, Doctors, Lawyers, Laborers, wealthy - poor - middle class; city, suburb, or farm -country. Substance abuse, addiction, knows no boundaries. Educate yourself. Know the warning signs. And please, don't kid yourself that "it won't happen to my child".

Warning Signs:

Extreme mood swings - if you have been an adolescent, you know this time is riddled with "mood swings", but here we are talking about wild mood swings from joy to hatred - often brought on by the parental word "No" (if you don't use this word much at home, you may want to read some of my previous articles on parenting). These extreme moods swings can often be the result of substance use that creates euphoria, and then the crash of withdrawal, prompted by a need to go out and get more. There have been times that these moods swings, if brought to the attention of a physician, may be misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

Withdrawal or increased isolation - adolescent and pre-adolescents need their private time. They also need time away from parents and siblings to de-stress from the trials of school life and the flurry of changes that are happening to them. Healthy children engage in healthy behaviors during this time - studying, writing, communicating with friends (type/text/email/IM/etc), or playing video games. Parents should be concerned for the child that suddenly requires considerably more private time, or doesn't associate with the family at all - trading this time in for time behind a locked door in their room. Note to parents - locked doors, drawers, closets, etc are often a giant "red flag", as is your 15 year-old son's sudden interest in the legal ramifications of his "right to privacy". This is a difficult boundary, because for healthy growth, they should be entitled to privacy, however, it is not a "right" in your household if you are concerned they are engaging in unhealthy or illegal behavior - Parents have rights too, and they have responsibilities to protect their children.

Change of friends - when the old "good" friends that you used to like stop coming around and are traded in for new friends who might be a little "different", this is a cause for concern and conversation. There is nothing wrong with questioning your child's peer choices - but trying to dictate who friends should be can be another difficult situation. Encourage your child to make healthy peer choices through conversation and questions like:

- Tell me about your new friends .
- What do you like to do together?
- What do you have in common?
- Can I call (new friend) parents and chat with them?
- How does (new friend) do in school?
- What does (new friend) plan on doing in life?

Change in appearance - Dads of young ladies, this is a HUGE chore for you. It's difficult enough to discuss your "little baby" who used to run around in overalls and pigtails now wearing low-cut tops and high-cut bottoms. It is equally concerning when your once cheerfully dressed child starts wearing super-baggy, super-dark, or super-different clothing. TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE and what it means to you and your family. This is a great opportunity to ask about what image they would like to convey - this is another time for conversation, not authoritarianism.

These are just a few of the warning signs. Drastic change is the key - when the change you experience in your child is far outside what you expect to be "normal", I implore you to trust your "parent gut" - that instinctual sense you were endowed with the second your child was born. If your gut tells you something is amiss, trust it; ask questions, have a conversation.

If you struggle trusting your parent gut, or what your child is saying; or if you are having a hard time engaging in these conversations without resulting to arguments, it may be time to ask for some help.

9 Ways to Stop Stress Before You Explode

2010-08-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

There are very few certainties that touch us all in this mortal experience, but of the absolutes is that we will experience hardship and stress at some point. - Dr. James C. Dobson

We all experience stress, it's a natural and normal part of being a person; but it's how we experience it, and how much we let it into our lives that makes us different.

In previous articles I shared about the negative, life-threatening aspects of stress, and some techniques to relax or relieve stress. But what about dealing with the stress head-on? What about dealing with it in a way that it doesn't get to the point of frustration?

I have found that there are generally two ways to "manage" stress, to deal with it before it becomes too great; you can either change the stressor by avoiding or altering it; or you can change yourself by adapting or accepting the situation. Here are nine ways to alter or avoid stress:

Avoid unnecessary stress. Not all stress can be avoided, but the key concept here is identifying what may be "unnecessary" in your life:

Learn to say "NO" - know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, refuse to accept additional responsibility when you are already struggling with the ones you have. When taking on one more volunteer project for your child's school might push you over the edge, it's OK to say "no" to being asked to be "Head Room Dad"...

Avoid people who stress you out - if there is a particular person in your life who always adds stress, limit your time with them, or end the relationship completely.

Take control of your environment - If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic's got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route.

Avoid hot-button topics - if discussing politics always ends in a shouting match about how "TERRIBLE" the President is, was, or will be; maybe it's better to discuss the weather. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it's the topic of discussion.

Cut back on the do-to list - If your calendar is loaded all day, every day; maybe it's time to take inventory of what things really "MUST" be done, and what "should" or "could" be done.

If you can't avoid the stress, there is a good change you may be able to alter it; altering the situation often has a lot to do with altering your response to it.

Express your feelings, versus bottling them up - communicating your concerns in a respectful and open manner can go a long way in changing the situation; allowing frustration and resentment to build up will only result in increased stress.

Be willing to compromise - When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you'll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.

Be more assertive - Don't take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them.

Manage your time better - Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. Very often, poor time management sneaks in to your life, and you don't even recognize it. When you're stretched too thin and running behind, it's hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don't overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you're under.

5 "Ridiculous" Stress-Relief Strategies

2010-08-23T06:07:00.000-07:00

As we sit to enjoy a nice early meal, and then watch a Friday night movie together as a family, I remember when that wasn't possible. OK, it WAS possible, but i was too "busy" due to the stress I had allowed into my life.

It took a while to change that - to let go of the stress. There were a lot of changes that needed to happen along the way. I needed a lot of help "de-stressing", before I was able to make those decisions. Of course, at that time, I had no desire to de-stress, because I had it "all under control", despite the fact everything was falling apart through this stress-induced haze.. Eventually, as the story goes, I was forced to adopt different behaviors.

I can't believe that I tried these - some of the most ridiculous ideas I had ever heard!

Until they worked. Then they weren't so ridiculous any more.

Meditation - one of the first suggestions I was given was one I had little belief in. I remember the first time a peer suggested it to me, I thought he was crazy. But I gave it a try - simply setting aside 10 minutes to breathe deeply and to allow my mind to be still. It didn't work the first time, nor the second time. But I continued to give it a try. In fact, I did a little research and found there are multiple forms of meditation that have worked for other's for several thousand years... So who was I, why was I so "special" that it wouldn't work for me. The style that did work for me was simply deep breathing through the nose for 6-8 seconds, enough to make the abdomen move; followed by exhale out the mouth for a few seconds longer than I breathed in. The hard part is clearing your mind and allowing yourself to relax - but once you have learned this (it took me a few weeks), mediation can lower blood pressure, relax your muscles, and be a brief time of healing that lasts throughout your day.

Acupuncture - you won't see me volunteer to have one needle, much less several, stuck in me. Then I injured my knee and it was part of treatment - 20 needles in and around the knee three times per week, for two weeks. I was amazed at how much it helped the pain and healing. I have known people who have applauded the relaxing and calming effects of full body acupuncture - needles from head to toe. I have witnessed the after effects and changes of someone who went to a session anxious and stressed, and came out feeling "wonderful" - it works.

Massage - I always thought this was just something "nice" to do for yourself. There is quite a bit more behind a practice that relaxes stressed muscles and releases the build-up of toxins in the body. A good full-body massage can actually leave you sick, as it causes your body to finally release the toxins that have been building up. Not only is it relaxing in the moment, but can leave you feeling better and less stressed for weeks.

Yoga - what I once thought was a "soft" exercise, really isn't that soft. A good yoga session brings together the anti-stress power of meditation, stretching, and exercise. There are videos, books, and classes available for beginner to guru. I have been really impressed with the calming power of just one session. I highly recommend keeping a few yoga videos or books on hand for stressful times, especially those stressful times when you are not eating well or exercising - this can be a quick 30 minute opportunity to feel better fast.

Exercise - I have shared with many people the ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing start to my running habit. I was stressed, overweight, and a terrible example of nutrition. I "tried" running for a few weeks, and then gave up - it wasn't for me. Of course, I went back being more stressed, gaining more weight, and being pretty well known at the local drive-through windows. So I knew I had to "DO" running one more time, not just "TRY".

I found a program and a goal. The program, "Couch Potato to 5K" was perfect, because I couldn't run for more the 30-60 seconds at a time, that is right where the program started out. Eventually, I was up to 90 seconds, than a few minutes. Within a few weeks I was able to run a mile without stopping - not quickly, but it was a mile. I kept adding a little bit more distance and ran a little longer. These were times I actually looked forward to. I felt great running, and the effects lasted through the day - not only was I relaxed, but I was getting healthier too. When you start to engage in a healthier lifestyle, it is amazing how stress can melt away.

If there is only one thing you can do to de-stress and feel better, run. If you can't run, walk; then run just a little, then run some more. If you need guidance, the "Couch Potato to 5K" program is still out there on the internet.

If you want relief from stress, choose just one of these, and make it a consistent part of your life. It won't be easy at first, but they will work. Engaging in more than one of these habits will compound the anti-stress qualities.

Improving your coping strategies for stress can go a long way. But sometimes, you need to change your response to stress, or change the source of the stress all together - check in next week for more on those topics.

How Stress Will Kill You

2010-08-16T06:43:00.001-07:00

Stress was a great thing for us to feel thousands of years ago when we needed it. Back then, man needed stress to warn him of approaching doom - some large animal coming to eat him or his family, or war coming from the next tribe over. Stress was a survival mechanism that told the man, "fight or run". Once the danger had passed, the physical sensations that came along with "fight or run" went away - increased heart rate and blood flow, rush of adrenaline, slowed digestion, focused vision (sometimes tunnel vision), and overall physical excitation diminished. The man was allowed to return to his resting state and he did what men a thousand years ago did - not much - eat, sleep, procreate. It was a pretty limited, but easy-going existence.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and have we messed things up. Today, our bodies have a greater tendency to be in fight or flight mode due to some perceived danger - no longer do we fear the pending doom of being eaten by a large animal with big teeth. Instead we fear the doom of not making enough money, making too much money, not having the right job or car or mate or home or television. We fear being too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too old or too young. We fear not making it to the couch to watch our favorite tv shows; or we have recorded so many "favorite" shows, that we fear never having enough time to watch all of them!

We have a lot of things to fear that our ancient relatives did not. Or at least we think we do.

All that fear is killing us slowly. Prolonged stress does terrible things to the human body and mind.

There is plenty of science out there to tell us the same.
I'll give you an example. Let me tell you a little story about a person I know. We'll call him...Dan.

Dan worked a 40+ hour per week job as a manager at a local facility. He was dedicated to his job, but also dedicated to "the big idea" of moving up and moving on. Therefore, Dan pushed himself hard to make everyone happy at work. Sometimes this meant working over, or coming in early. He traveled quite a bit. It was a stressful job, but it was the path to the "next big thing".

Dan was a dedicated father and husband, but found it difficult to make everyone at work happy, and everyone happy at home. Home life was stressful. Work life was stressful. But Dan was in pursuit of "the big idea", so the stress was "OK". The more stress the better, because that meant "the next big thing" was getting closer - so he added a few more jobs, more work and more stress to the mix.

With all the fighting or fleeing the perceived dangers at work and at home - trying to fight the beast of climbing the corporate ladder and being the traditional family - Dan had little time for eating right or exercising. He put something in his mouth that came out of a window from a building several times each day. He was too busy fleeing from place to place to worry about nutrition. When he was tired, he drank plenty of caffeine - sleep would have to wait.

Eventually, the stress and stressful living became too much. A day came when Dan "didn't feel so well". His stomach hurt, so he found a quick fix and took a pill - he didn't have time to figure out what the problem was, he was pushing himself to fight or flee.

The next morning, Dan's appendix exploded - apparently it had been sick for quite some time. He spent nine days in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. There were plenty of tubes and needles. He was forced to take three weeks bed rest to recover after the hospital. Dan didn't take the time to stop the stress, so his body made the decision for him.

It could have been worse. Most over-stressed people succumb to a heart-attack or stroke later in life. The compounding factors stress heaps upon the body will produce death - it's usually a matter of time.

That guy, Dan, was pretty lucky.

There are two ways to deal with stress:

Remove / reduce / get rid of the stressor

Cope with the stressor

We tend to force ourselves into more and more stress out of some perceived fear. Many times, a choice can be made to remove the stress, or alter the stress.

When that choice cannot be made, there are very effective coping skills for us to use.

Either way, you must choose. If not, circumstance, or your body, will choose for you.

Time to Take Your Medicine

2010-08-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

"Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing." - Voltaire

It's hard to deny that we live in a time when modern science has a cure for everything that ails you. Just turn on the television for a few minutes, and you will find advertisements for magic pills to cure everything from heart burn and indigestion, to melancholy and malaise, anxiety, hyperactive and inattentive children, to male sexual dysfunction - usually within 24-48 hours of beginning treatment (taking your first pill). As long as you don't mind the possibility of 100 side-effects that could range from dry mouth to death, we have a cure for you.

But it's not a cure. It's temporary relief.

"Medicine can only cure curable disease, and then not always" - Chinese Proverb

Despite this proverb, we still tend to think our ailments are quickly curable. We have been taught to expect immediate relief even from diseases and disorders that have taken a life-time to cultivate.

Specifically, I'm talking about issues related to depression, anxiety, or childhood ADHD. These are areas I tend to know well, and have worked with quite a bit. Please understand this: THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! But it has been my experience that those times are not as frequent as we might think.

I greatly appreciate the work of our modern physicians. They have an extremely difficult job of managing a large volume of patients, while fretting over ever-increasing malpractice law-suits which bring about exorbitant malpractice insurance payments (I have heard of rates of $150,000 per year). It's no wonder they are forced to see patients in brief chunks of time and have to respond with the quickest solution possible. This solution often tends to be the most recent pill they have been encouraged to prescribe by the last drug company salesman to come through their door.

It's not an easy job. I believe they do their best. Their goal is to "do no harm", and to hopefully help you, but they are often victims of a very difficult system of insurance, government mandates, and drug company profit-margins.

I encourage you to be an advocate for your own health when it comes to the aforementioned issues of depression, anxiety, and ADHD; and to work with several partners to find the best possible solution for you and your family, rather than accepting the pill that was last recommended by the last drug company. The pills are often not the best answer.

If you have been on the same medication for more than a year, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have been on the same medication for several years, I would suggest that it is no longer effective. After prolonged use, your body builds up a tolerance; you can either increase the amount of the same substance, or move on to a stronger substance. The pattern can continue with increasing substances but diminishing returns for your anxiety, depression, or ADHD.

For me, it's been a great frustration and sadness to hear of people who have been on the same prescription anti-depressant or mood stabilizer for 10 years (no exaggeration), but can't seem to get control of their struggles.

Our physicians are brilliant and caring people. But they are people, and they are fallible. If you struggle with these issues, I encourage you to partner with other professional outside your physicians office. You may find considerable help with a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They may suggest to you a myriad of alternative solutions. Some things that may help these issues, and overall health:

Diet - medication alters our chemistry, so does food. Very often what we eat can impact our moods and concentration. Sometimes simply improving diet can have a huge impact on mental health and wellness.

Exercise - increasing physical activity improves just about every bodily process.

Stress relief - removing stress from your life, or learning to cope with it differently can greatly improve anxiety and depression.

Behavioral interventions - for children struggling with ADHD, small alterations to parenting, home life, or school life can make great improvements in attentiveness and activity.

Meditation - Several thousand years of Eastern philosophy can't be wrong. Learning to meditate for just a few minutes each day can have considerable positive impact.

Cognitive interventions - do you want to think differently about yourself or your situation? Is your thinking depressed or anxious? If you change it, you can change a lot of how you view your world - but sometimes that's a little easier said than done on your own.

These are a just a few examples of the possible interventions outside of your physician's office. Let me again say, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS NECESSARY. However, I believe we have been trained to seek the immediate, but short term solution, rather than working with our physician and other health professionals to do what is best for ourselves.

If you are taking medication for anxiety or depression, or if your child is taking medication for ADHD, and the results have been less than you hoped; or the medication use has gone on for quite a while, or if you simply want to explore alternative solutions, I encourage you to do so, and I want you to know that there are solutions available.

"In medicine, as in statecraft and propaganda, words are sometimes the most powerful drugs we can use." - Dr. Sara Murray Jordan

Why Me?!

2010-08-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. -Walt Disney

If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood

Perhaps there exists a possible benefit when hardship is also accepted as part of human life. -Bruce Wayne

Call it what you will: obstacles, struggles, adversity, pain-in-the-neck... Difficult times are a reality in our lives. As noted by the aforementioned quotes, struggle and overcoming obstacles is a reality for those who have succeed in life like Walt Disney, and something popular to discuss in literature from poetry to comic books. The concept is evident and obvious throughout time and place. It is well documented throughout history. So with all this information on adversity, why do we struggle with how we handle our struggles?

In recent times, adversity has confronted us in many well-publicized ways; natural disasters, struggling economy, job losses, international political confrontations. Many of us also struggle with more common day-to-day obstacles in our personal lives: work difficulties, financial concerns, relationship issues , mental / emotional / physical / or spiritual health concerns - the list could go on, because adversity presents itself in all facets of life.

Although these struggles are not unique, nor are they uncommon, they are unique in the way they are found in your life, the way they present themselves in your day, and how you choose to handle them.

There are a few obvious ways you can choose to manage the obstacles and adversity in your life.

Blame & Complain - this is an option that tends to be self-defeating and troubling to others around us, but also one of the easiest to engage in. It is much simpler, and therefore sometimes much more rewarding in the short-term, to blame the obstacle or the cause of the adversity in our life. Although not much progress is made, we tend to feel satisfied that we a target to focus our frustration on. Sometimes the more anger we can muster towards the obstacle, the better we feel about not doing anything about it. To add to the energy we spend blaming, we often engage in speaking out vigorously and aggressively about the obstacle - complaining. The two are often found together because they are easy.

If I could paint a picture of this solution to adversity, I suggest you imagine a large boulder in your path. You want to get somewhere - you are on a stroll towards a wonderful vista, and there is a giant rock blocking your path. The Blame & Complain solution would be to spend the next several days cursing at the rock, scolding the rock for being in your way, kicking and/ or hitting the rock, then resume cursing. The pattern could go on for quite a while - as long as you'd like.

Avoid - somewhat easier, and more self-defeating, is the solution of avoiding the problem. By pretending the problem doesn't exist, or by turning your back on it, you can trick yourself to think that you couldn't, or didn't want to, move past that obstacle in the first place. This solution often works for quite a while, until you realize that you really DID want to see that vista, or accomplish that goal, or improve that relationship, or doing something about your health - then the trick you played on yourself becomes a source of frustration and dissatisfaction.

In our picture, it would be the person who turns around and walks away from the boulder, walks away from the vista, only to realize much later on that they really wanted to get to that destination. There is a strong positive to this idea thought - and that is, at some point returning to conquer that obstacle.

The final style of dealing with adversity in life has a variety of names: succeed, achieve, strive, accomplish, conquer, goal-set; again, the list could go on. This is the act of acknowledging the obstacle, planning a path to the other side, and then implementing it. This can be done with most any obstacle in life.

Trying to climb over the rock, or squeeze around it, or fly over may work - it may not - but continued attempts to do something about it will get you to that vista.

Will every plan succeed? No. But something is gained or learned in every attempt - very often the act of failing can be enough to propel you over, around, past or through the obstacle. You can have an impact on the adversity in your life by doing something about it. It won't always work perfectly. But it will move you in some way further than where you were.

What are you doing about the adversity in your life today?

Are you blaming it? Are you avoiding it? Or are you planning a path through it?

Five Steps to Better Communication

2010-07-26T07:12:00.001-07:00

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus, Greek philosopher

It has only been a few years since email and texting have dominated our communication habits. There are arguments on either side of the debate - for or against. Regardless of where you stand, it is impossible to ignore the obvious fact that texting and email has changed how we communicate. As technology continues to evolve, it will be interesting to see how our communication continues to evolve.

Despite our technological advances, one-to-one, face-to-face communication is still the foundation of our relationships with each other. Communication between spouses, peers, co-workers, or parent-to-child shares information, conveys emotions, and exchanges ideas. Healthy communication builds relationships, businesses, and communities. It is one of the pillars upon which a healthy lifestyle is built.

There are several key components to maintain healthy communication with others:

Pay attention - simple, yet increasingly more difficult in our hyper-connected world. Give the person you are speaking with your undivided attention and acknowledge the message both verbally and non-verbally. One of the most difficult parts of paying attention is genuinely listening to what is being said without mentally preparing your rebuttal or thinking about what you are going to say next.

Show that you are listening - let your speaker know you are paying attention by nodding occasionally. Smile and offer other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open and not closed-off. You can also show that you are listening through giving your speaker small verbal cues to continue speaking.

Provide feedback - our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." are great ways to reflect back. You can also ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say..." "Is this what you mean?"

Defer judgment - if paying attention is difficult, there are times deferring judgment can be impossible. But it is one of the most important components of healthy communication. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish. Don't interrupt with counter-arguments.

Respond Appropriately - these steps offer a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

These steps should be used communicating with anyone in your life - spouse, coworker, child, friend, etc. It takes deliberate action and focus to be a good communicator.

Concentrate on your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside your thoughts and judgments in order to really pay attention to your speaker. By reminding yourself of these steps, you will become a better communicator, and will be heard by those you speak with.

Two Little Ideas That Opened the Floodgates

2010-07-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if it was hours of blueberry picking in the hot sun, or the extra barrels of blueberries I ate while we were laboring.

Maybe it was the yellow-jacket sting on my ear (yeah, that smarts - and it looks pretty funny too).

Or maybe it was the multi-page "honey-do" list I was awarded this weekend.

Whatever the reason, the cursed Writer's Block had come to rest firmly upon my shoulders.

Until The Muse arrived at the perfect time. Today he came in the form of a quick email from Seth Godin. Now, I know you may have had your fill as I have shouted my praise for Seth's work in the recommendations section of my newsletter. But I felt I owed it to you who have not read his work to share this piece, and then he will fade away from these articles, unless you ask for more.

Although a businessman and marketing expert, Seth has a great handle on the human condition and what makes us tick. His ideas here scream to be implemented in our daily lives:

The management of signals
There are two things we can get better at:

1. Getting accurate signals from the world. Right now, we take in information from many places, but we're not particularly focused on filtering the information that might be false, and more important, what might be missing.

2. Sorting and ranking information based on importance. We often make the mistake of ranking things as urgent, which aren't, or true, which are false, or knowable, when they're not. Dealing successfully with times of change (like now) requires that you simultaneously broaden your reach, focus on what's important and aggressively ignore things that are both loud and false.

Easier said than done.

I am amazed at how much insight can be packed into so few words. Here is what I took away from it:

"Accurate signals from the world" - How often do we misinterpret what we hear from those close to us? How often does a simple conversation turn into a disagreement with a loved one or someone at work, because we misread their tone, gesture, or meaning? How can we improve our communication with those important people to continuously improve our relationships with them? What other areas of our lives do we find ourselves taking in inaccurate information?

"we take in information from many places" - Take a moment to think about how many different sources of information you give your time and attention to each day: News media (tv, radio, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, FOX NEWS), Social media (Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Second Life, blogs), email (work, family, friends, people trying to sell you the next big thing), marketing (all those other ways you are trying to be sold the next big thing on tv, radio, billboards, text, phone, etc...) - and that's usually before you leave the house! At some point, MAYBE you have time to take in information from actual live people that you may have a deeper relationship with in a meaningful way. If you are fortunate, you may actually be able to have a conversation with the aforementioned person.

"filtering the information...what might be missing" - Do you take the time to consider the information you are receiving consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever wonder "why are they telling me this?" Do you question whether or not the information is given to you in a way that is in your best interest, or is it in somebody else's interest for you to consume that information? If the information is not good for you, who is it good for?

One of the most significant ways this realization occurred to me was in reading Dr. David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, where he shares his interviews with food industry officials and their comments on how food is "engineered" to make us eat more, that "fat free", "sugar free", and "reduced calorie" may mean "unhealthy" and "you will eat more"; but that we are given only the information that makes it easy for us to digest.

"Sorting and ranking information" - as more and more sources compete for our attention, it's human nature to struggle to determine where our time and energy is best spent. In the end, it may come to a simple question of which is greater; consuming media or building relationships? Watch the 5th hour of programming on where a basketball player will continue his career, or play ball with the kids? Google new video of the same tragic pictures of oil flowing into the ocean, or take a drive to visit an old friend? One more episode of "The Deadliest Catch" marathon, or go fishing? It comes down to choices, your choices. And in a world where more and more people are competing for your choice in new and innovative ways, sometimes it's easy to forget you have a choice.

The final part that leapt out to me is "times of change" - really, aren't we always in a time of change? Whether it is personal or public, local or national, healthy or unhealthy, the world is always changing. You are always changing. Consciously or unconsciously; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually; by choice, or by lack of choice - you change.

I've shared my thoughts on Seth's insights. I'd enjoy hearing what you think about his words. Hopefully my case of "Writer's Block" proved as insightful for you, as Seth's timely email did for me.

9 Questions to Make Your Child Listen

2010-07-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Our relationships with our children are a strange and mysterious journey - often with no discernable path or map, but often with the destination of "doing the right thing" to help them grow and develop in the best possible way. These relationships are filled with joy and heartbreak, sadness and elation. They are some of the longest standing, and most meaningful relationships we will have in our lives. At the end of our lives, the relationships we have with our children will be one of the most significant parts of our legacy.

Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.

It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.

Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.

The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.

1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?

2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?

3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?

4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.

5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.

6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)

7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)

8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?

9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?

These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!

Destination or Journey?

2010-07-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

"Life's a journey, not a destination" - many wise sages throughout history and geography have made statements similar to this. I have been known to make similar statements. Until a late afternoon in June, when I thought of those wise comments and thought "What a bunch of GARBAGE!", or something very similar.

Let me share a story of how I came to this conclusion, and the wise moments during the "journey".

Camping has long been an important part of my life with friends and family. Through my time camping, I have learned of three different styles of camper, the RV camper, the car camper, and the hiker - each with their unique variations. The RV camper enjoys the luxuries of home in a large motor-driven coach, usually parked in a campground. The car camper usually throws a tent the size of a large bathroom or small living room in a car, with as many luxuries of home as can be fit into said car - cooler for beverages, grill for tasty food, etc. The hiker puts his world on his back, goes out into the woods, and "roughs it" for the sake of getting in touch with his (or her) more primal nature. Sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?

I've RV camped and car camped. I've done a lot of car camping with my family, as well as friends. Each time, we come a little bit closer to RV camping - bring along extension cords, fans, cell-phone chargers, mini-fridges... It was becoming quite embarrassing. We may as well stay at home and just leave the windows open.

So a small group of friends and I decided we wanted to "rough it". We were going to become hiker/backpackers, we were going to march into the woods somewhere and learn to live like the guys on Dual Survival, or Man vs. Wild, or Survivorman.

We took the time to do the research. We acquired the backpacks and all the things we needed to put in them. We took time to map out a route deep in the Hoosier National Forest. Then we did it. We set out for a 4-day journey in the woods.

The first night we parked out cars at a sparse horse campground and enjoyed the last cold water and small luxuries we had in our cars. We pitched our tents and had dreams of survival grandeur.

The next morning, we packed up, put our 40lb packs on our backs and started hiking into the woods. It was 85 degrees. We had planned an 8-9 mile hike to a large lake, where we would camp for the evening. We were all quite chipper about our "journey".

The "journey" was horrible. "40 lbs" is small in print, it's heavy when it's crammed on your shoulders and waist. Despite my sincerest hope, there are no escalators on the trail. But there are huge expanses of deep mud, also expanses of shallow mud, fallen trees to climb over, needle-laden branches to spike you in the face should you choose not to climb over the fallen trees, large rocks to trip you, small rocks to get in your shoes, large hills, small mountains... there are a lot of obstacles.

The one thing the trail did not have was water. Miraculously, all the streams we thought would be there were a bit dry.
Our destination was looking more and more important. Our "journey" less and less "fun".

It got rough. We soldiered on. But our spirits were falling as made the last drop in elevation to a clearing, and then the lake. The destination was heaven. Until we realized the flies bit, and the mosquitoes buzzed no matter how much DEET you thought you had on. We enjoyed the lake, as warm as it was, and filtered plenty of water to drink.

Our journey had ended, but we were miserable. This was Day 1.

We learned that the temperature had come close to 100 degrees, and that the next day, it was supposed to be worse. A heat advisory was issued. We decided we would hike back to the cars in the morning, and call an end to the trip.

We broke camp early the next day and sweat through breakfast. We hit the trail and realized that our grandparents had been right - despite my childhood giggling at their comments then, I had found it was possible to go "uphill....BOTH ways".

If the trip out was tough, the trip back was demoralizing. The "journey" was horrible. It hurt. We were fearful that "the big guy" might have to be dragged out, as every turn we took that we hoped was the parking lot, his shoulders dropped farther, and his groan of discontent was somewhat harder to hear.

Obviously we made it. We got to the nearest gas station and sat in the air-conditioning and drank more cold Gatorade than is healthy for one person to drink. We parted ways and rolled our eyes at the thought of doing it again.

Ironically, it only took 2-3 days before we started planning the next trip, seeking the next destination, hoping for a better journey.

I took some time to reflect on the entire adventure and found a lot of similarities to life that I thought would be worth sharing.

Most significantly, despite what the sages say (yes, and what I have said), life is a journey AND a destination. If it wasn't for the scenic vista at the end of the first day - the lake, water, and hammock - if it wasn't for the destination of the second day - getting to our cars, cold water, and air-conditioning; there would have been no point to the journey. The destination was the point of the journey, it was the destination we wanted to get to. There is no shame in doing it for the destination.

Of course, the cursed journey is what made such a simple destination such an amazing destination. We had been to that lake many times before, but never had we appreciated it so much. We had cold water and air-conditioning in the past, but never had we been so thankful.

Of course, when we paid attention to the journey, when we looked back on it, we learned a lot - what to take, what not to take, how to lighten our load, and to NEVER again go in the middle of June...

The journey taught us a lot about our selves, and each other; just as any journey should.

Most importantly for me, I learned that I need to seek out more destinations, because that's what makes the journey worthwhile.

I encourage you to do the same. Whether it is outdoors camping, in your professional life, or a personal goal - set a destination, plan your journey, and do it. If you have to cut your journey short, learn from it. If your journey is miserable and makes you feel like dying, pay attention to it. If your journey is sweet and easy, be thankful.

Whatever you do, however many journeys you have, continue to seek out new destinations and journey towards them.

Life has enough room for both.

Be the Best

2010-06-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you". - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

There is a fundamental human need in each of us to become the best we can be. To be the best "what" is often the question - the best man, best woman, best father, best mother, best wife, best husband, best business person, best doctor, best manager, best teacher, best widget maker, best cook, best tv-watcher, best athlete, best non-athlete, best whatever. Each one means something different to different people. But the fundamentals remain the same; we all have an innate drive, a motivation to strive. A desire to be the best we can be.

Abraham Maslow called it a desire for "self-actualization". You may remember reading about Maslow and his hierarchy of needs years ago in an introductory psychology class, or high school biology class. He theorized that we all have this drive towards self-actualization, but that it takes considerable work and effort to get there; after all, you don't just wake up one morning the best widget-maker or best athlete in the world, it takes time, work, education, practice, failing, doing to get there - contrary to what most 3am info-mercials may tell you....

Maslow simplified the effort to get there - to reach self-actualization - into a hierarchy of needs, a series of steps to get there; often seen as a pyramid, with each layer being a necessary foundation to achieve the next layer, or goal:

Maslow believed we must first have our basic physiological needs taken care of - do we have enough food to eat and roof over our head? If we do, we feel safe and secure and can build further security. Through the process of building security, the goal is to develop a sense of belonging - often in a family, work group, or intimate relationship. If we are able to achieve this belonging we will develop esteem, and hopefully, eventually work on becoming the best we can be, or achieve self-actualization.

His ideas continue to indicate there will be hiccups along the way - obstacles to achieving these goals - can be the cause of frustration, stress, and distress in our lives. If we are not able to have our basic human needs met, or if we cannot procure the resources needed to feel secure, we cannot move to building relationships or developing esteem. If we are unable to have healthy relationships or do not have a sense of respect for others, we will not move on towards being the best we can be.

Maslow's Hierarchy is a great tool to use to look at our selves - to determine where the obstacles might be in our lives, and how we can work to move past them.

Maslow didn't believe that many people reach the pinnacle of his pyramid. He thought the obstacles were too many, and that we were not able to overcome them to move on.

I take a different view. I believe that sometimes just knowing that self-actualization exists, and that we can achieve it, is motivating. By looking at our lives and determining where the obstacles are, we can work through them and move towards becoming the best we can be.

Where are you today in Maslow's Hierarchy? How are you moving past obstacles in your life? Are you on your way to achieving self-actualization?

Happy Belated Father's Day

2010-06-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

Being that we just passed Father's Day, I thought it would be a nice to offer some thoughts for all you dads out there to start preparing for next Father's Day. Here are a few interesting facts to know for Dads, Grandpa's, Soon-to-be Dads, Some-day Will Be Dad's, and all the woman who work so hard to support us in our efforts to be the best Dad we can be.

The first Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington on June 19, 1910, after Sonora Dodd, a child raised by a single father, encouraged churches to honor dads upon hearing a Mother's Day-themed sermon.

President Nixon made it an official National celebration in 1972.

Father's Day is the fifth most popular dining-out day each year - the top three winners of our business: Olive Garden, Outback Steakhouse, and Applebee's.

Did you know there are an estimated 66,000,000 fathers in the United States. Of those, approximately 158,000 are stay-at home dads - Good for you guys!

Approximately 1 in 25 men suffer from male postnatal depression - also known as "sad dad syndrome", and with good reason; added stress, concerns about being a "perfect dad", changing relationships with our wives; there are a considerable amount of new stressors added into the new dad's life; sadly, not many men seek the help they need to manage these stressors and depression.

One in four dads spend less than an hour with their kids each day. Thirty-eight percent of working dads say they would take a pay cut for more time with their children.

So what can you do with the time you DO have with your kids? Here are a few summer ideas to build your relationship with your child for moms and dads.

· Share with them your favorite sport or hobby - take them fishing and show them how to bait a hook or tie a fly, take them boating, catch a minor league ball game or go see them play in the big league. Take the time to share part of yourself, and you will build a bond with your child they will remember into their parenting years.

· Teach your child something - set a goal to teach them how to make a wooden birdhouse. If your passion is camping, teach them how to set up a tent and make a proper campfire - of course you have to teach them the finer art of smores with that! Teach her how to golf, or at least drive the cart, teach him how to change the oil - it doesn't have to be a big summer long project. But take the time to teach your child something that will help them grow, that they may not learn in school.

· Get out of town - or at least out of the house. This time of year is ripe with local, and not so local, festivals and things to do. Take in one of those pieces of America at a county fair or festival in a local town or nearby city. Get out and enjoy the State and National Park system - we are fortunate to have a great parks system with miles of trails and waterways - an amazing day is as simple as going to the front of the park and picking up a map, or looking at the day's event. You won't be disappointed.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with your child in a kind, loving, and caring manner, and you can't go wrong. Being a dad isn't easy, there is no instruction manual to tell you how to do it perfectly, but as long as you go about with the attitude of doing what is best for your daughter or son, you are going to get it right a good percentage of the time.

How to Get Lucky

2010-06-14T06:05:00.001-07:00

There is a considerable amount of research being conducted lately on the concept of "Luck". From the research, it appears there are a lot of people who want to know the answer to the question, "how can I get lucky?"

The following is a synopsis of some of that research as reviewed in a recent edition of Psychology Today:

University of Hertfordshire psychologist and Author of
The Luck Factor, Richard Wiseman spent 10 years researching people's perceptions of their own luck. Over that time, he found that people who consider themselves "lucky" score higher on personality measures of extraversion. They are more likely to encounter new people more frequently in their lives, and tend to keep in touch with old friends more often. These same people tend to score higher in measures of openness and less in their tendencies towards negative emotional states like anxiety, anger, depression, and guilt.

Wiseman conducted an interesting experiment in which he offered two unique opportunities in the paths of two different people - one claiming to be "lucky", one not; he placed money on the ground, and planted a potential encounter with another person within a comfortable distance.

What were the results?

The self-labeled "lucky" person quickly noticed the cash, and struck up a conversation with the neighboring businessman; the "unlucky" person stepped right over the money, and sat quietly and sipped coffee without noticing the other person.
What does this mean for you? To be "lucky", according to the Wiseman study, is to notice good fortune everywhere through outgoing behavior and simple attentiveness to your environment. So the next time you go into that coffee shop, why not strike up a conversation with the person preparing your coffee, or the patron you see there every time you go in?

Another point in the Wiseman study is that you can increase your opportunities for good fortune by maintaining a large network of friends and acquaintances. For years, mental health research has told us that having a large social network can promote overall health, but in having a larger network, more opportunities for good fortune may come your way.

Wiseman conducted another experiment that illustrated the connecting between cognitive flexibility and luck. He gave subjects a newspaper and asked them to count how many photographs were inside - there were 43. Most of the subjects were able to find them within a few minutes.

However, they could have made the task much quicker and easier had they stopped to read the large type at the top of the second page that read "stop counting - there are 43 photographs in this newspaper; or, they could have been awarded $250 if they noted the message in the middle of the page that read "stop counting, tell the experimenter you have seen this and win $250." "Luck" in this situation, seems to be more akin to "observant".

What does that mean for you? Be flexible. Be observant. Going about tasks differently or more observantly might bring about more "luck" than you were expecting. Flexible people tend to respond to the same stimuli differently than more rigid personalities - very often leading to opportunities for chance and good fortune to factor in.

What can you do about it?

Try taking a different route to work - see what opportunities lie along a different route. Stop by an out-of-the-way place for a lunch or a cup of coffee, rather than heading over to the same place for "the usual". Switch seats on the train. Watch a new television program or radio station. Strike up a conversation. Try something new.

The answer to the question, "how can I get lucky?" seems pretty simple according to recent research:

Be flexible. Try new things. Be observant. Maintain a strong social network. Think positively. Be open to opportunities for good fortune, and good fortune will follow.

Good luck.

Want to Get Lucky?

2010-06-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" - Seneca (Roman Philosopher, 1st Century)

Most people have heard of this quote in one way or another. I interpret it to be a gentle chiding to make yourself ready, to be prepared for the possibility that opportunity comes your way. Seneca appears to be giving us 50% of the responsibility, while the fickle nature of opportunity is given the other 50%. Will this magical opportunity walk our way or not? If it does, will you be prepared. If not, alas, you did what you could, and you just weren't lucky enough to have opportunity come your way... It's sad, in a way, according to Seneca, we are only partially responsible for our own fortune. According to him, we can only work so hard, and the rest is up to chance.

There may be more truth in a slightly different commentary on "luck" by Thomas Jefferson,

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it."

Jefferson takes the concept of luck and fortune, and places it solely in our laps, telling us that we are responsible for our own good fortune through our own hard work. He tells us that we have what it takes to do the job, and to reap the rewards of "luck".

If we were to take these two comments together, maybe we are responsible for both our own preparation, and creating our own opportunity?

I would like to think so. Current research appears to indicate the same. But I won't wrap you up in statistics and scientific method this week - we'll save that for next week's article. Instead, I want to give you one simple change you can make to create your own opportunity and luck.

Maybe your days are like mine; full of lists, chores, tasks, jobs... all kinds of things that I "have to get done". I have wake up with a list running through my head, and then I have check the list next to my bed. It's my job to make the coffee - I've got to go get that done first thing. Then I have to take care of the animals, from there I have to wake the kids up and start breakfast while my wife gets ready for work. It's a fast paced morning of things I have to get done.

From there, I have to try to get some exercise in - hopefully a run. Because, let's face it, I can't promote exercise as a cure-all for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical wellness unless I am doing it, right? Ugh, I have to go out there and do it. So I dutifully lace up the shoes and drag myself out on to the pavement. Ugh, running.

After that, I have to do the start the routine of checking the news and emails - what's going on in the world out there, and in my world here? From there it's off to the office to do what I have to do - seeing clients, making phone calls, consulting with doctors and insurance companies, writing articles... Ugh, it can be a drag...

Can you feel your shoulders slumping and your brow furrowing? Does this remind you of your day? Do you have pity for my unlucky and misfortunate day?

Don't.

This is not the way I go through my day. And I hope you don't go through yours like this either. If you do, we're going to change that right now. Here's how.

You can go ahead and stop agreeing with this kind of day. Relax your shoulders and raise your eyebrows - smile. Let go of any pity, and start thinking about preparing yourself and creating opportunity.

Here is the pay-off. Your one simple step to luck, fortune, opportunity, etc.

Replace the word(s) "should", "have to", or "must" in each one of these statements with a more positive affirmation of how "lucky" you are to be doing these things - just how fortunate are you to GET to do, to be ASKED to do, to be ENCOURAGED to do, to be APPRECIATED for, what you do?

It's that simple. View your day as an opportunity, realize that you are already "lucky" and more of it will come your way.

Here's how it looks:

I get to wake up and look at a list of things I get to do today that stimulate my mind and give me purpose! From there, I am blessed to be able to put coffee on - not just because I have an on-going love affair with coffee, but because I get to be of service to someone who appreciates coffee almost as much as I do - my wife. From there, I get to spend my morning with two little girls who adore me, and will always remember how their dad got them up and made oatmeal for them every morning, even though they had "dragon-breathe".

From there I get to lace up a worn out pair of running shoes - worn from the miles I have been fortunate to log over the past few months. I am blessed to run in the bright sun, or through the cooling rain. Most importantly, I get to run in a world where many others can't; and I get to share my experiences from this simple exercise with important people in my life.

All that in just a few short hours of the morning!? How lucky am I?! From there I get to go to a job I enjoy. I am fortunate enough to be present with people making changes in their lives, I get to help them develop insight into themselves, and I am honored to be a witness to their healing. With that, I have an outlet to write and share my ideas, and hopefully serve more people through my writing.

Same day. Completely different outlook. Is it that simple - just changing a word? Yes. The concept is a simple one - the implementation may not always be, but I encourage you to keep at it. You will find more "luck", opportunity, and good fortune coming your way by making this simple change in your thinking each day.

Next week, I will share with you the wealth of research that has been compiled around this simple idea.

Where were you born?

2010-06-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made." - Bill Cosby

As summer approaches and we have an opportunity to spend more time with our children, I thought it was appropriate to consider a concept that has been studied for well over a century; birth order. I originally considered it to be an interesting idea to look at in terms of parenting - how we parent our children based on when they were born into our family. I quickly realized that the study of our own birth order is a helpful tool in taking a look at our own behavior and attitudes as adults.

The concept of birth order was first defined in 1874 when Francis Galton noted that there was an overrepresentation of firstborn sons among scientists. In the 100+ years birth order has been studied, we have found that it impacts a considerable amount of development from career choice to whom we marry.

Here is a look at what the research has found:

Firstborns

Intellect - Parents tend to have more time and energy to pour their resources into their firstborn child, ensuring that they have "the best" in life early on; thus resulting in an average IQ 3 points higher than their sibs.

Family - As the oldest, firstborns tend to act as surrogate parents to their sibs, taking on the role of family guardian. This factor makes them more likely to maintain family relations into adulthood.

Competition - Firstborns can struggle with the change of going from only child to older child. This can awaken a strong desire to reclaim and maintain their former position, causing them to be less trustful and more competitive throughout life.

Politics - Firstborns tend to be more conservative than their rebellious siblings. Radical political activists are 18 times more likely to be later born than firstborn.

Middleborn

Vocation - As they spend much of their development in the middle of things - often the family "peace keeper" - middleborns tend to be unbiased and levelheaded, leading to careers that often involve negotiation. You can often find them succeeding in management and politics.

Perfectionists - Middleborns play the part of both older and younger sibling in the family, often causing them to have no well-defined role. They're less likely to be seen as the favorite child. In one study, mothers defined their middleborn children as low in competence and achievement. Bearing the weight of this perception may reduce the middleborn's self-esteem, causing them to engage in perfectionistic thinking.

Friendships - Middleborns are more likely to be found with a close group of friends than with their family. They often form very tight bonds with friends outside the family as their primary support network.

Lastborn

Spirituality - Religious observance tends to be weakest in middleborns, with last borns often displaying the most "religiososity" - the importance of God in one's life.

Warmth - In families with three children, the lastborn is especially tender and giving, perhaps due to being babied through their early development.

Relationships - Research indicates individuals are more likely to form romantic bonds with those who share their birth order. This may be due to their similar personalities and life goals. Therefore, lastborns are attracted to the babies of other families.

How do these ideas relate to you, your childhood, or how you relate to your children? Some of these concepts are simply unavoidable realities - like the fact that parents have more time and energy for their firstborn child, before more children come along. Some happen simply as a result of being a member of a family - a part of an interactive system.

Each concept carries with it positive and negative qualities. As a parent, you can work to accentuate the positive, while mitigating the negative for your child.

Failure IS an Option

2010-05-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

"Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity. Successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results." - William James

As I was researching for this article, my daughter serendipitously entered in the room and, as is her nature, started asking questions about whatever was nearby. Now, if you've read some my previous work on parenting, you'll know that I strive to be a democratic parent - but often fail mightily as I face self-imposed deadlines and the pressure of "I've GOT to get this done". Therefore, it was an internal battle I fought against the urge to rush her on her way, and listened to her questions about all the words on a calendar she had in her hand.

As she recognized the letters and tried to put them together, rather than attempting to pronounce the word, she would ask me what the word was, and I would encourage her to sound it out, she would ask me, I would encourage her, never giving her the answer she wanted. This cycle went on for quite a while. What I witnessed was the exact premise of this article, wrapped up in a little 5-year old package with pig tails.

She knew the letters, she knew the sound they made, she knew how to put them together, I had witnessed her do this exercise countless times. But she didn't want to move forward, she didn't want to step into the unknown, she didn't want to get it wrong, she didn't want to try and fail.

Instead, she wanted to stay comfortably unaware. If I would have let her stay comfortable, we would have both gone about our days. But instead, I offered little bits of stepping-stone like encouragement, and she painstakingly and trepidatiously worked through the words; "Monday"... "Tuesday"...etc. The bright eyed, giggly joy she felt in finding a solution to her problem on her own was contagious. We shared that success throughout the day as we went about our individual tasks.

Obviously, that is a story of success; small success for most of us who have learned to read and have been at it for years; a monumental success for a 5-year old who is just now figuring it out. How do the points in this little anecdote relate to you, and your desire to change in your life? As I witnessed the experience, I was amazed at how her story fits with many adults path of change. Whether it is losing weight, stopping smoking, starting a business, or improving your overall mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health - the paths to success are all similar.

Do you fear failure? Are you worried that you won't "get it right" the first time? Do you hold yourself back from trying or even thinking about change, because the idea of failure just won't let you move forward?

Do you have the foundation, the plan, to make change successful? She had her "A-B-C's" and a basic understanding of their sounds - she had the plan - and it took her quite a while to learn it. Have you gone about the process of preparing for change; without that plan, she was sure to fail. Without a plan to change, you are sure to fail.

Do you have somebody to encourage you in your plan, or are you going to "go it alone". Having support, guidance and encouragement will increase your chances of success. Others can help you with your plan, and hold you accountable to following it. Trying to do it on your own increases the opportunity to fail, and sometimes can be the excuse you build into a plan for change.

Finally, have you had past success, even small success? How did it feel? Amazing? Exhilarating? Was it something you wanted to share with everyone who helped you, everyone you knew? What would it be like to accomplish something like that, or something bigger? Would you look back at that change and think, "that really wasn't that bad"?

Failure is an option. But so is starting over again, reformulating your plan and surrounding yourself with encouragement and guidance. Failure can be the end, or it can be a learning experience that builds on your next plan for change.

If you don't get it right the first time, try sounding it out again. You will be amazed how many different ways you can pronounce "Monday", before you get it right.

"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying." -B.F. Skinner

Blueprint for Personal Change

2010-05-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

“It takes great courage and inner strength to change from what is known and comfortable to something which is new and fresh. That which is unknown often contains our greatest potential. To seek our potential by risking change is the path of true greatness. Such action brings great favor and untold blessings.”

That quote from Eastern philosophy sums up the power and fear involved with change. Whether you want to lose weight, stop smoking, alter your thinking, or change any other aspect of your life, there is no one single aspect that works for everyone. You may have to try several techniques through trial-and-error to see what works for you. It is often during the “error” periods that people become frustrated and give up the thought of change all together. The key to change is to try different techniques until you find one that works, and to stay motivated during the down times.

Psychologists and therapists have developed a number of ways to effectively help people change their behavior. One particular theory, the ‘Stages of Change’ model, introduced in the late 1970’s by Prochaska and DiClemente, has been used to help people understand the change process. This model demonstrates that change is rarely easy and often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a larger goal.

Understanding the elements of change, the stages of change, and ways to work through each stage can help you achieve your goals. The following is a primer on change.

In order to succeed, there are three factors that should be addressed:

• Readiness to change - Do you have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change?

• Barriers to change - Is there anything preventing you from changing, or that will prevent you from maintaining change?

• Expect relapse - What might trigger a return to a former behavior – relapse often happens. This is not a cue to give up, but a reason to try new methods. Each failed attempt to implement change only strengthens the next attempt.

Having recognized these prerequisites, knowing what the Stages of Change look like, and what to expect from each stage, is the key to successful long term change.

Precontemplation – you don’t even know you need to change yet. Often the time when you hear about your need to change from significant others, and may deny their insight.

Contemplation – you recognize we need to change mentally, but really don’t feel all that interested in making the effort to change. This stage is characterized by conflicted emotions and cognitive dissonance – thinking about change, but not striving towards it.

Preparation – you’re on your way! When in this stage, you may begin collecting information on change; possibly experimenting with small changes. This is a good time to put together resources from the internet or the community to offer advice and encouragement as you move through the change.

Action – this is it – this is when you begin to change the behavior or thinking in big ways. You cut back on smoking, you change your eating and exercising habits, or you begin to alter your negative thinking patterns. During this time, you may be focused heavily on the change in your life – it important to give the change the appropriate attention every day - reward your efforts and successes, recognize the short-comings and correct them.

Maintanence - The maintenance phase of the involves successfully avoiding former behaviors and keeping up new behaviors. During this stage, you begin to become more confident in your change. This is the time avoid temptation and to replace old habits with more positive actions.

Relapse – when going through change, relapse is a common occurrence. When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, and frustration. The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. If you lapse back to an old behavior, take a hard look at why it happened. This is a time for self-evaluation, not self-defeat. You can quickly recycle back to any stage in the model – making changes to the preparation or action stage to insure future success.

You may feel like giving up, but now that you have started the process, it will be difficult to enjoy the blissful ignorance of the pre-contemplation stage. The success you enjoyed will be on your mind, and you will want to get back to it soon. I recommend treating the relapse as a temporary failure and getting back to the hard work of change as quickly as possible.

I’ll talk more about the psychological and historical impact of failure in next week’s article.

6 Thoughts That Ruin Your Day

2010-05-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days that goes bad right from the start? The kind of day that makes you wish you could crawl back into bed, and start over? One where you wake up late, the coffee maker won’t work, traffic is terrible, the guy driving next to you cuts you off, you equipment at work just won’t work, and it steamrolls downhill from there… I think we’ve all had a day like that at some point – but it’s when they keep adding up, day after day, when life becomes a series of frustrating events, then there is cause for concern.

Research and opinion among psychologists suggests that we have more control over these tough days than we may think. Very often it may be our thinking that influences our perspective on daily events that causes us to continue to have “bad days”. Our thinking can be a powerful force in taking a bad day and make it exponentially worse, or it can take that same rough start, and make it better quickly.

There several key patterns of thinking that can turn your day, and your life, upside down. If you notice yourself thinking along these lines, it’s probably a good idea to change it. If you change it in a positive way, you’ll notice a lot of other areas of your life changing for the better.

6 styles of thinking that cause trouble in our lives:

1. Viewing the world in Absolutes – simply allowing the words “always” and “never” to creep into our vocabulary and thinking in excessive doses can impact our thinking negatively. “Good things NEVER happen to me”, “I am ALWAYS the victim”. Nothing in life is ever really that absolute, but when we think that way, it becomes our perspective to see life as a real drag.

2. Looking at the future as a series of “What If’s” – planning for the future and looking forward to events in life is one of the great joys of being human. But when we begin to anticipate the future in a series of negative “What If’s” we can produce unhealthy doses of anxiety and look at the future with sadness and frustration.

3. Motivating yourself in life through a series of rules that you “Have To, Got To, or Must” do or something terrible is going to happen can bring on fear and anxiety. We all have things in life the “must” do; but when everything in life “has to” be accomplished out of fear, rather than because it is of personal benefit or benefit to another person, we can become pretty unhealthy.

4. When we begin to “Awful-ize” everything in life, when we view everything through the lens that is sad, terrible, or awful; bad days can drag on to be bad months and years. This pattern is often a sign of depression. When you think in terms of life experiences as being awful all the time, life can become unbearable.

5. The idea that the world and everything in it “Should” or “Ought” to be the way we need or want it to be will leave you frustrated. If you live your live believing everyone around you should behave in the way you want them to, you leave yourself open to frequent disappointment. At some point, acceptance of life and others as they are is the healthiest thinking pattern we can adopt.

6. Most philosophies or cultures have a powerful or cute little quote on the idea of “Trying versus Doing”; even the great philosopher Yoda once said, “Do or Do Not, there is no Try”. When we think or say we will “try” to accomplish something, it’s as though we are leaving the door open to avoid it. Doing is the art of setting a goal and striving for it, with the possibility of failure being an accepted reality. Trying is the art of thinking and talking about doing, without having to do.

It is normal to have thoughts like this occur occasionally. If you catch yourself in a thought following one of these patterns, recognize it, have a chuckle, and change it. It’s when these thoughts become patterns in our daily lives that we can really bring problems on ourselves. If that is the case, if you are thinking along these lines continually, it may take a bit more effort to correct the pattern. In my next newsletter, I will share more on the art and act of making changes in our lives.

What Kind of Parent Are You?

2010-05-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct - at times without understanding why - and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options. Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things, because sometimes, they may not know why they want them to do these things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and nor do they understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors. They may learn through their parents role-modeling that control and "bossiness" may be the only way to get their needs met. Children with authoritarian behavior may act out negatively to relieve the pent up frustration they feel.

Permissive
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.

Children of permissive parents tend to behave in a "spoiled" manner - they are very demanding and may resort to temper tantrums or worse to get their way. The more this behavior works for them in getting their needs met, the more it is reinforced, and the more they will use the behavior - thus starting the cycle. The more the cycle continues, the more difficult it is to stop. The child will struggle to set boundaries for himself, as he has not had any one role-model boundaries for him.

Democratic Or Authoritative
Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad. For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until you can play with it safely."

Through their parent's role-modeling, the child learns to accept boundaries, and then to set them for herself in increasingly more mature situations. The child of a democratic parents usually bonds well with her parent and has a positive relationship with them.

Which Is Your Style?
Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn. Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.

Stressed?

2010-04-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

We live in a culture of stress. We stress about work, the economy, politics, school, love, weight, tv; we even stress about stress itself. April is National Stress Awareness Month and Stress Awareness Day is on the 16th. Here are some of the latest numbers on how we see, feel, and deal with stress.

- There are two types of stress: DISTRESS, the regular stress that plagues us, and EUSTRESS, a positive form that improves productivity and performance.
- 62% of Americans are stressed about work, according to the American Psychological Association.
- One third of American children ages 8 to 17 say they worry about their family's finances. Two other major sources of childhood are HOMEWORK AND TEASING. Kid's top coping mechanisms: listening to music (44%), eating (26%), and talking to their parents (22%).
- A Wake Forest University study of 42 female monkeys found those suffering from social stress held more abdominal fat, a precursor of heart disease.
- Each year, more than 275,000,000 working days are lost in the U.S. because of stress related absenteeism.
- More than three out of five doctors visits are STRESS RELATED. In the U.S. alone, more than $22.8 BILLION is spent on anxiety-related health care each year.
- According to a psychological survey done in 1938 and in 2007, anxiety and mental health issues are 5 TIMES more common now among high-school and college students than they were at the end of the Great Depression.
- Despite their proliferation over the past 10 years, anti-anxiety medications like Xanax and Valium are NOT the best solution to stress and anxiety - coping skills such as diet, meditation, exercise, and changing one's thinking are the keys to long-term stress-free living without medication.

How do you cope with your stress? Are you equipped with the tools you need to deal with those stressful days or week? Eating healthy and exercising regularly are two key components to mitigating stress. But when these are not enough, our bodies and minds may be calling us to change the way we perceive stress or to change the stressor

Welcome!!

2010-04-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

Please check back often - I am in the process of moving old articles to this blog. More importantly, you will be able to find weekly updates soon!