It's Time to Man Up!

This article could also be called, “What Do You Mean You’re Leaving Me With the Kids?!” Thanks to my wife for inspiring this article by leaving on Friday, and taking the weekend away. Happy (day after) Mother’s Day to her and all the mom’s out there. Thank you for everything you do.


Alright guys, it’s time to step up and man up.

Too many of us our relinquishing our responsibility as “men”, “fathers”, and “husbands” in exchange for video games, beer, hunting, sports, or any other extracurricular activities.

Too many of us are using “Work” as an excuse to avoid being at home, to avoid taking responsibility for our families.

Things need to change; we have to start doing better. Those who are working hard to do the right thing are having a hard time carrying the weight of those who aren’t. It’s making everyone look bad.

This is the game of your life; and only your marriage, your children, your livelihood, and your future weigh in the balance. It’s time to step up and get involved in all these aspects of your life. If you don’t, something else will fill the void you leave in the life of your kids, or in your marriage, or in your future.

I’ve shared a great website here before that covers a myriad of manly topics – www.TheArtofManliness.com has covered date night, top books for men, shaving techniques, workouts, dress codes, and a ton of other topics over the past few months. It has a considerable cache of great manly info, I encourage you to check it out. In this article, I am going to talk about the manly art of…… Spending Time with The Kids!!!!!

If you are spending enough time with them, and those who have an outside few and important opinion (mom) agree, great! Keep it up. If you are not, and you’re not sure what to do, here are a few tips. If you are not sure what “enough” is, I will tell you what I do. I aim for at least an hour every weekday – homework time, coaching time, play time – whatever I can work in to our busy schedules. Then the goal is for us to spend most of the weekend together doing something fun and character building (for them AND me), because that’s what families do more weekends than not. That’s what we signed up for when we had kids.

Teach them something. Every time the oil in the cars gets changed, my daughters help. I’m pretty sure they could change it themselves at this young age. Cleaning the house is a team effort, so it gets done quicker and they learn how to take care of things. Same for cleaning their room – although not as easy to be as active in that part of teaching – we do try to make it a team effort in order to teach. Let’s face it, not many eight year-olds know what it means to “clean up” unless they are taught and it is role modeled for them. Life is full of teaching opportunities. You don’t have to look very hard.

Show them your favorite hobby. Hard work deserves its reward. I’m a huge fan of doing anything outdoors. I appreciate the opportunities to go camping or hiking with friends – we all need time away. But it’s just as much fun to take the family camping, or to take my girls hiking. We just picked up a new GPS unit so that we can do more geocaching together. Whatever your hobby share it with your kids. If you don’t have any hobbies, develop or redevelop some. Check out the fun of geocaching at www.geocaching.com , or you can take a look at the app on your smartphone. Magellan has put out a new series of very basic starter units that you can pick up for a reasonable price. Nothing says “manly” like mixing tech and the outdoors, using our billion dollar satellite system to find piece of Tupperware in the woods.




Coach them. This is right in line with teaching them, but requires a bit more focus and research on our part. Are they in a sport you don’t know much about? Learn it. Do they play your favorite sport? Step up and coach the team – I know most kids leagues are always looking for qualified coaches. Whether you were an Olympic athlete in the sport, or just found out about it, you are qualified to coach because you are a Dad. There are plenty of resources available online or at your library to learn the sport and how to coach it. If you are not able to dedicate the time to a full season of coaching, take the time every weekend to support the team by working with your child in the yard – throw the ball, shoot some hoops, kick the soccer ball, hit the puck around – do something. Be active. Be a part of their interests.

Do something THEY like to do. This is not always easy, but one of the most “manly” things you can do. I can’t tell you how many times of tried to play Polly Pockets or Barbie or My Loving Family. It’s more fun when the gigantic Barbie comes to raid the Polly Pocket village, but that doesn’t always work for my girls. What does work is letting them take the lead, I just get to be a witness to their play, and they like that. We have been able to find some common ground with Legos. Whatever it is your child likes to do, try to be a part of it. It can be rewarding for your, but immensely rewarding for them.

Give her some away time. All of these suggestions have been aimed at this point – Mom needs time away. It doesn’t have to be two weeks in Hawaii, although that might be nice, but it could just be a few hours with you and the kids out of the house, or just letting her get out for a cup of coffee with friends, or even get away for the weekend. Just as we need, and deserve, our evenings or weekends with the guys; mom needs that too. Just as much, you need time with the kids – it’s not always easy, but neither is parenting. The point is that you do it. Start putting the time in, you will get better at it, and it will get easier as you go.

Hopefully you did something nice for mom yesterday. Now, what are you going to do with the kids this week, and next weekend, and the week after that, and during the summer? It’s not just one day. Being a dad is a full time job. It’s more than a full time job. So get to work.

The Charlie Sheen Guide to Parenting

You may have missed the rants and public implosion of the Charlie Sheen empire a few weeks ago - but surely you haven't missed your opportunity to catch him live on his My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat is Not an Option Tour this past weekend in Detroit and Chicago, or coming soon to a venue near you, have you?!




Although I am not sure what "ol' Chuck" will be talking about on tour", I have boiled down a few of his more recent ideas for your use in your parenting endeavors. I was pleased to see some parents already using these concepts on the fields of our local youth soccer program over this past weekend.



"DUH Winning!" - winning isn't just important, it is everything. It is the only thing. Win at all costs. Win not matter who the opponent is. If you are winning work harder to win some more. Sportsmanship is for 'normal people, people who aren't special'. They should have just left her in the game and let her keep scoring!



I guess for you 'normal people', teaching your children not to brag about winning, and to be a good sport is one of those things you do. I guess if you don't want to live the Charlie Sheen prescribed "rock-n-roll lifestyle", you could teach your children about it. It's a difficult boundary - you want to teach your child to work hard, have fun, and succeed; but that succeeding 'too much' is not good sportsmanship. Running up the score in real life is not favorably received.



Example - there was a young lady this weekend who scored 7 soccer goals; that's about twice as many goals as there usually are in an entire game. Even when the coach pulled her back, or had her on the sideline, the team still went on to score around 20 goals. You could tell the coach was struggling with trying to encourage his team to work hard, but he also didn't want to embarrass the other team. It's at a young age that lessons like this can be taught. Having a discussion with a 6-year old about sportsmanship can go a long way to developing a well adjusted 16-year old. How do you teach your children to be good sports? What do you say to encourage them to work hard?



Charlie would say you just don't have the "Adonis DNA" to stomach winning.



It's all about your kids "waking up one day and realizing how cool dad is!" In the book of Charlie, being cool is the rule, especially when it comes to kids. That means buying them everything they want, never saying "No", being their best friend, saying what you want when you want to them, and "you know, signing all the checks on the front" so they don't have to earn money but just have it. Do these things, and you will raise children with "tiger blood in their veins".



For the rest of you parents out there, setting boundaries, encouraging your children to earn money and possessions, and saying "No" to their sometimes irrational or egocentric requests (the ones that are pretty typical of child and adolescent development, apparently you just want to raise "normal" kids.



Finally, if you want to raise kids like Charlie Sheen, you should probably have them watch plenty of Charlie Sheen and that means at least a daily dose of that show he is on, right? While you are at it, they should probably be watching whatever else they want along those lines, too. Television today has plenty of great messages to share with your children, you don't need to monitor what they watch - they should probably have their own tv with cable or satellite access in their bedroom by around age 5. That way, they can learn all the valuable lessons of that Charlie Sheen show, and find out about the wonderful world of marketing and advertising that is available through television.



For you who don't want to be an "F-18 deploying ordnance to the ground", you might want to monitor what your kids watch, and certainly not allow them to watch that show. Find out what kinds of messages your kids are receiving from their television viewing habits. Know what the kids are watching when you're not with them, and ask them about what they watch. For every show on tv that has a Charlie Sheen message, there are other shows that offer educational and entertaining information - see The Discovery Channel or The History Channel to find out more. Also, take the television out of your kids room - watch tv as a family and discuss what you view.



Those are just a few of Charlie's tips - you can find out more on his tv show, or continue to feast on the media feeding frenzy that is his life. I am sure you can find a few hours each day of internet and news coverage. If, on the other hand, you don't agree with his tips - if you don't have Adonis DNA and tiger blood - maybe you could just turn off the tv and go for a walk with your family.

Rotten Weather Family Time

I was hoping for some nice family time outside - maybe raking up some of these leave - but as I look out the window of my writing space, I see gray skies, wind whipping around, and rain blowing sideways... Not the day outside I was hoping for.

We are getting near that time of year where good times outside are becoming fewer and farther between. But that does not mean "family time" needs to come to a halt as our outside walks do.

Family movie time has been a long-standing tradition. I think it was started by Disney and ABC back in the 1980's... at least in my mind it was. I remember excitedly looking forward to whatever Walt and Jiminy Cricket would put on that evening. It was always fun, and usually pretty "wholesome" - what I call "healthy" and "appropriate" today - something we don't seem to have enough of on tv "these days".

As we prepare to face these cold and rainy days and nights, I thought it might help if I put together a brief listing of my favorite family movies, and some ways you can use them to grow closer together.

The Incredibles - this is a great entertaining way to talk about family values. Watching a family of superheroes might call to questions like: if we were superheroes, what superpowers would we have? What would stand for as a superhero family? How are we similar to the family in the movie - how are we different?

There are quite a few movies out there on coping with parental expectations - yes Mom & Dad, sometimes we may have ideas that our little one may just not be able to, or may not WANT to, live up to. Talking about these expectations, and understanding where your child coming from, is a great way to bond and guide your child. A few of my favorite family movies that start this conversation:

How to Train Your Dragon - fun film about living up to dad's expectations in your own way - and superseding them if given the chance. This is easily one of my favorites of the past few years.

Kicking and Screaming - great children's movie with Will Ferrell as a too-competitive soccer-coach-dad trying to coach a team to beat HIS too-competitive soccer-coach-dad. Great humor with a great message, and one for all of us parent-coaches to check in with once in a while.

Willy Wonka OR Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - both great movies, but the newer Tim Burton / Johnny Depp work is a little "darker", but ripe with more meaning. I like that one for older kids. Either way, whichever you choose, both have plenty of opportunity for conversation - the roles and behavior of the various "not-so-nice" kids, Willy's relationship with his father in the Burton movie, Charlie's relationship with his family in both movies. Whichever one you choose, look for the opportunities to relate to your family.

Another idea for the older kids in the family - just about any one of the recent Marvel Super Hero movies ; Fantastic Four, X-Men, Wolverine, Iron Man, Daredevil, Spiderman, etc., is ripe with themes of rising above personal tragedy, family relationships, teamwork, and conquering obstacles. Once you get past all the imagery and "ZAP - BANG" (which is why we watch them, right?), take a look at them for the ideas that relate to you and your family.

So the next time you face a rainy day, or a cold snowy evening; grab a bag of popcorn, and a good movie to start the family conversation.

Quick Tips for Effective Discipline

There aren't many jobs that are guaranteed to last 18+ years. Once you agree to it, you've signed on for a two-decade run. Few jobs are as difficult. No job is as full of ups and downs, sadness, frustration, elation, and joy. No benefits or salary any place else could even come close.

Parenting.

It's the toughest job any of us could have ever signed up or.

Fortunately, there are plenty of guides available - just check your local bookstore. The frightening part is that they all say something different. In the end, you are left to take a little of what you learned from your parents, compromise with your teammate co-parent, and figure it out on your own.

Fortunately, as long as you show up every day and give it your all, you'll do an outstanding job. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Trust your gut. You are endowed with an amazing "PARENTAL INSTINCT" the moment your child is born - never doubt it.

Ask for help when you need it.

There is plenty more advice I could offer, but that's a good place to start for general information. I thought I would provide some keys to effective discipline to consider. It seems to be an area we all struggle with - I know I do - and I've heard the stories of other's who do as well.

Discipline with love

Listen and communicate

Focus on the behavior, not the child

Respond immediately

Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity

Be realistic

Remain calm

Be fair

Do not harm or injure

Set boundaries

Make it a learning opportunity

Be consistent

Be creative

Develop rules and expectations in advance

Use timeouts

Reward or praise desirable behaviors

Model desired behavior

Encourage the child's cooperation and understanding

Develop behavioral contracts and incentive charts

You may be using a few of these already - the more you use, the better. You don't have to use them all - you don't have to be perfect. You've got quite a while to work on them. They work for entire span of the job.

Dan Recommends


A few of my favorite parenting tomes:

This is a great series for all ages of children:



My favorite for Dad's with daughters, and a book I have read just about every year since my first daughter was born:


Finally, a series of awesome books on how to connect with loved ones - this one specifically for kids, but there's also a great one for couples:

9 Questions to Make Your Child Listen

Our relationships with our children are a strange and mysterious journey - often with no discernable path or map, but often with the destination of "doing the right thing" to help them grow and develop in the best possible way. These relationships are filled with joy and heartbreak, sadness and elation. They are some of the longest standing, and most meaningful relationships we will have in our lives. At the end of our lives, the relationships we have with our children will be one of the most significant parts of our legacy.

Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.

It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.


Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.

The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.


1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?



2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?



3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?


4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.


5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.



6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)



7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)



8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?



9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?



These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!

Happy Belated Father's Day

Being that we just passed Father's Day, I thought it would be a nice to offer some thoughts for all you dads out there to start preparing for next Father's Day. Here are a few interesting facts to know for Dads, Grandpa's, Soon-to-be Dads, Some-day Will Be Dad's, and all the woman who work so hard to support us in our efforts to be the best Dad we can be.

The first Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington on June 19, 1910, after Sonora Dodd, a child raised by a single father, encouraged churches to honor dads upon hearing a Mother's Day-themed sermon.

President Nixon made it an official National celebration in 1972.

Father's Day is the fifth most popular dining-out day each year - the top three winners of our business: Olive Garden, Outback Steakhouse, and Applebee's.

Did you know there are an estimated 66,000,000 fathers in the United States. Of those, approximately 158,000 are stay-at home dads - Good for you guys!

Approximately 1 in 25 men suffer from male postnatal depression - also known as "sad dad syndrome", and with good reason; added stress, concerns about being a "perfect dad", changing relationships with our wives; there are a considerable amount of new stressors added into the new dad's life; sadly, not many men seek the help they need to manage these stressors and depression.

One in four dads spend less than an hour with their kids each day. Thirty-eight percent of working dads say they would take a pay cut for more time with their children.

So what can you do with the time you DO have with your kids? Here are a few summer ideas to build your relationship with your child for moms and dads.

· Share with them your favorite sport or hobby - take them fishing and show them how to bait a hook or tie a fly, take them boating, catch a minor league ball game or go see them play in the big league. Take the time to share part of yourself, and you will build a bond with your child they will remember into their parenting years.

· Teach your child something - set a goal to teach them how to make a wooden birdhouse. If your passion is camping, teach them how to set up a tent and make a proper campfire - of course you have to teach them the finer art of smores with that! Teach her how to golf, or at least drive the cart, teach him how to change the oil - it doesn't have to be a big summer long project. But take the time to teach your child something that will help them grow, that they may not learn in school.

· Get out of town - or at least out of the house. This time of year is ripe with local, and not so local, festivals and things to do. Take in one of those pieces of America at a county fair or festival in a local town or nearby city. Get out and enjoy the State and National Park system - we are fortunate to have a great parks system with miles of trails and waterways - an amazing day is as simple as going to the front of the park and picking up a map, or looking at the day's event. You won't be disappointed.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with your child in a kind, loving, and caring manner, and you can't go wrong. Being a dad isn't easy, there is no instruction manual to tell you how to do it perfectly, but as long as you go about with the attitude of doing what is best for your daughter or son, you are going to get it right a good percentage of the time.

Where were you born?

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made." - Bill Cosby

As summer approaches and we have an opportunity to spend more time with our children, I thought it was appropriate to consider a concept that has been studied for well over a century; birth order. I originally considered it to be an interesting idea to look at in terms of parenting - how we parent our children based on when they were born into our family. I quickly realized that the study of our own birth order is a helpful tool in taking a look at our own behavior and attitudes as adults.

The concept of birth order was first defined in 1874 when Francis Galton noted that there was an overrepresentation of firstborn sons among scientists. In the 100+ years birth order has been studied, we have found that it impacts a considerable amount of development from career choice to whom we marry.

Here is a look at what the research has found:

Firstborns

Intellect - Parents tend to have more time and energy to pour their resources into their firstborn child, ensuring that they have "the best" in life early on; thus resulting in an average IQ 3 points higher than their sibs.

Family - As the oldest, firstborns tend to act as surrogate parents to their sibs, taking on the role of family guardian. This factor makes them more likely to maintain family relations into adulthood.

Competition - Firstborns can struggle with the change of going from only child to older child. This can awaken a strong desire to reclaim and maintain their former position, causing them to be less trustful and more competitive throughout life.


Politics - Firstborns tend to be more conservative than their rebellious siblings. Radical political activists are 18 times more likely to be later born than firstborn.

Middleborn

Vocation - As they spend much of their development in the middle of things - often the family "peace keeper" - middleborns tend to be unbiased and levelheaded, leading to careers that often involve negotiation. You can often find them succeeding in management and politics.

Perfectionists - Middleborns play the part of both older and younger sibling in the family, often causing them to have no well-defined role. They're less likely to be seen as the favorite child. In one study, mothers defined their middleborn children as low in competence and achievement. Bearing the weight of this perception may reduce the middleborn's self-esteem, causing them to engage in perfectionistic thinking.

Friendships - Middleborns are more likely to be found with a close group of friends than with their family. They often form very tight bonds with friends outside the family as their primary support network.

Lastborn

Spirituality - Religious observance tends to be weakest in middleborns, with last borns often displaying the most "religiososity" - the importance of God in one's life.

Warmth - In families with three children, the lastborn is especially tender and giving, perhaps due to being babied through their early development.


Relationships - Research indicates individuals are more likely to form romantic bonds with those who share their birth order. This may be due to their similar personalities and life goals. Therefore, lastborns are attracted to the babies of other families.

How do these ideas relate to you, your childhood, or how you relate to your children? Some of these concepts are simply unavoidable realities - like the fact that parents have more time and energy for their firstborn child, before more children come along. Some happen simply as a result of being a member of a family - a part of an interactive system.

Each concept carries with it positive and negative qualities. As a parent, you can work to accentuate the positive, while mitigating the negative for your child.

What Kind of Parent Are You?

Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct - at times without understanding why - and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options. Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things, because sometimes, they may not know why they want them to do these things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.

Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and nor do they understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors. They may learn through their parents role-modeling that control and "bossiness" may be the only way to get their needs met. Children with authoritarian behavior may act out negatively to relieve the pent up frustration they feel.

Permissive
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.

Children of permissive parents tend to behave in a "spoiled" manner - they are very demanding and may resort to temper tantrums or worse to get their way. The more this behavior works for them in getting their needs met, the more it is reinforced, and the more they will use the behavior - thus starting the cycle. The more the cycle continues, the more difficult it is to stop. The child will struggle to set boundaries for himself, as he has not had any one role-model boundaries for him.

Democratic Or Authoritative
Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad. For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until you can play with it safely."

Through their parent's role-modeling, the child learns to accept boundaries, and then to set them for herself in increasingly more mature situations. The child of a democratic parents usually bonds well with her parent and has a positive relationship with them.

Which Is Your Style?
Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn. Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.