Posts
As we sit to enjoy a nice early meal, and then watch a Friday night movie together as a family, I remember when that wasn't possible. OK, it WAS possible, but i was too "busy" due to the stress I had allowed into my life.
It took a while to change that - to let go of the stress. There were a lot of changes that needed to happen along the way. I needed a lot of help "de-stressing", before I was able to make those decisions. Of course, at that time, I had no desire to de-stress, because I had it "all under control", despite the fact everything was falling apart through this stress-induced haze.. Eventually, as the story goes, I was forced to adopt different behaviors.
I can't believe that I tried these - some of the most ridiculous ideas I had ever heard!
Until they worked. Then they weren't so ridiculous any more.
Meditation - one of the first suggestions I was given was one I had little belief in. I remember the first time a peer suggested it to me, I thought he was crazy. But I gave it a try - simply setting aside 10 minutes to breathe deeply and to allow my mind to be still. It didn't work the first time, nor the second time. But I continued to give it a try. In fact, I did a little research and found there are multiple forms of meditation that have worked for other's for several thousand years... So who was I, why was I so "special" that it wouldn't work for me. The style that did work for me was simply deep breathing through the nose for 6-8 seconds, enough to make the abdomen move; followed by exhale out the mouth for a few seconds longer than I breathed in. The hard part is clearing your mind and allowing yourself to relax - but once you have learned this (it took me a few weeks), mediation can lower blood pressure, relax your muscles, and be a brief time of healing that lasts throughout your day.
Acupuncture - you won't see me volunteer to have one needle, much less several, stuck in me. Then I injured my knee and it was part of treatment - 20 needles in and around the knee three times per week, for two weeks. I was amazed at how much it helped the pain and healing. I have known people who have applauded the relaxing and calming effects of full body acupuncture - needles from head to toe. I have witnessed the after effects and changes of someone who went to a session anxious and stressed, and came out feeling "wonderful" - it works.
Massage - I always thought this was just something "nice" to do for yourself. There is quite a bit more behind a practice that relaxes stressed muscles and releases the build-up of toxins in the body. A good full-body massage can actually leave you sick, as it causes your body to finally release the toxins that have been building up. Not only is it relaxing in the moment, but can leave you feeling better and less stressed for weeks.
Yoga - what I once thought was a "soft" exercise, really isn't that soft. A good yoga session brings together the anti-stress power of meditation, stretching, and exercise. There are videos, books, and classes available for beginner to guru. I have been really impressed with the calming power of just one session. I highly recommend keeping a few yoga videos or books on hand for stressful times, especially those stressful times when you are not eating well or exercising - this can be a quick 30 minute opportunity to feel better fast.
Exercise - I have shared with many people the ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing start to my running habit. I was stressed, overweight, and a terrible example of nutrition. I "tried" running for a few weeks, and then gave up - it wasn't for me. Of course, I went back being more stressed, gaining more weight, and being pretty well known at the local drive-through windows. So I knew I had to "DO" running one more time, not just "TRY".
I found a program and a goal. The program, "Couch Potato to 5K" was perfect, because I couldn't run for more the 30-60 seconds at a time, that is right where the program started out. Eventually, I was up to 90 seconds, than a few minutes. Within a few weeks I was able to run a mile without stopping - not quickly, but it was a mile. I kept adding a little bit more distance and ran a little longer. These were times I actually looked forward to. I felt great running, and the effects lasted through the day - not only was I relaxed, but I was getting healthier too. When you start to engage in a healthier lifestyle, it is amazing how stress can melt away.
If there is only one thing you can do to de-stress and feel better, run. If you can't run, walk; then run just a little, then run some more. If you need guidance, the "Couch Potato to 5K" program is still out there on the internet.
If you want relief from stress, choose just one of these, and make it a consistent part of your life. It won't be easy at first, but they will work. Engaging in more than one of these habits will compound the anti-stress qualities.
Improving your coping strategies for stress can go a long way. But sometimes, you need to change your response to stress, or change the source of the stress all together - check in next week for more on those topics.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
How Stress Will Kill You
Stress was a great thing for us to feel thousands of years ago when we needed it. Back then, man needed stress to warn him of approaching doom - some large animal coming to eat him or his family, or war coming from the next tribe over. Stress was a survival mechanism that told the man, "fight or run". Once the danger had passed, the physical sensations that came along with "fight or run" went away - increased heart rate and blood flow, rush of adrenaline, slowed digestion, focused vision (sometimes tunnel vision), and overall physical excitation diminished. The man was allowed to return to his resting state and he did what men a thousand years ago did - not much - eat, sleep, procreate. It was a pretty limited, but easy-going existence.
Fast forward a few thousand years, and have we messed things up. Today, our bodies have a greater tendency to be in fight or flight mode due to some perceived danger - no longer do we fear the pending doom of being eaten by a large animal with big teeth. Instead we fear the doom of not making enough money, making too much money, not having the right job or car or mate or home or television. We fear being too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too old or too young. We fear not making it to the couch to watch our favorite tv shows; or we have recorded so many "favorite" shows, that we fear never having enough time to watch all of them!
We have a lot of things to fear that our ancient relatives did not. Or at least we think we do.
All that fear is killing us slowly. Prolonged stress does terrible things to the human body and mind.
There is plenty of science out there to tell us the same.
I'll give you an example. Let me tell you a little story about a person I know. We'll call him...Dan.
Dan worked a 40+ hour per week job as a manager at a local facility. He was dedicated to his job, but also dedicated to "the big idea" of moving up and moving on. Therefore, Dan pushed himself hard to make everyone happy at work. Sometimes this meant working over, or coming in early. He traveled quite a bit. It was a stressful job, but it was the path to the "next big thing".
Dan was a dedicated father and husband, but found it difficult to make everyone at work happy, and everyone happy at home. Home life was stressful. Work life was stressful. But Dan was in pursuit of "the big idea", so the stress was "OK". The more stress the better, because that meant "the next big thing" was getting closer - so he added a few more jobs, more work and more stress to the mix.
With all the fighting or fleeing the perceived dangers at work and at home - trying to fight the beast of climbing the corporate ladder and being the traditional family - Dan had little time for eating right or exercising. He put something in his mouth that came out of a window from a building several times each day. He was too busy fleeing from place to place to worry about nutrition. When he was tired, he drank plenty of caffeine - sleep would have to wait.
Eventually, the stress and stressful living became too much. A day came when Dan "didn't feel so well". His stomach hurt, so he found a quick fix and took a pill - he didn't have time to figure out what the problem was, he was pushing himself to fight or flee.
The next morning, Dan's appendix exploded - apparently it had been sick for quite some time. He spent nine days in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. There were plenty of tubes and needles. He was forced to take three weeks bed rest to recover after the hospital. Dan didn't take the time to stop the stress, so his body made the decision for him.
It could have been worse. Most over-stressed people succumb to a heart-attack or stroke later in life. The compounding factors stress heaps upon the body will produce death - it's usually a matter of time.
That guy, Dan, was pretty lucky.
There are two ways to deal with stress:
Remove / reduce / get rid of the stressor
Cope with the stressor
We tend to force ourselves into more and more stress out of some perceived fear. Many times, a choice can be made to remove the stress, or alter the stress.
When that choice cannot be made, there are very effective coping skills for us to use.
Either way, you must choose. If not, circumstance, or your body, will choose for you.
Fast forward a few thousand years, and have we messed things up. Today, our bodies have a greater tendency to be in fight or flight mode due to some perceived danger - no longer do we fear the pending doom of being eaten by a large animal with big teeth. Instead we fear the doom of not making enough money, making too much money, not having the right job or car or mate or home or television. We fear being too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too old or too young. We fear not making it to the couch to watch our favorite tv shows; or we have recorded so many "favorite" shows, that we fear never having enough time to watch all of them!
We have a lot of things to fear that our ancient relatives did not. Or at least we think we do.
All that fear is killing us slowly. Prolonged stress does terrible things to the human body and mind.
There is plenty of science out there to tell us the same.
I'll give you an example. Let me tell you a little story about a person I know. We'll call him...Dan.
Dan worked a 40+ hour per week job as a manager at a local facility. He was dedicated to his job, but also dedicated to "the big idea" of moving up and moving on. Therefore, Dan pushed himself hard to make everyone happy at work. Sometimes this meant working over, or coming in early. He traveled quite a bit. It was a stressful job, but it was the path to the "next big thing".
Dan was a dedicated father and husband, but found it difficult to make everyone at work happy, and everyone happy at home. Home life was stressful. Work life was stressful. But Dan was in pursuit of "the big idea", so the stress was "OK". The more stress the better, because that meant "the next big thing" was getting closer - so he added a few more jobs, more work and more stress to the mix.
With all the fighting or fleeing the perceived dangers at work and at home - trying to fight the beast of climbing the corporate ladder and being the traditional family - Dan had little time for eating right or exercising. He put something in his mouth that came out of a window from a building several times each day. He was too busy fleeing from place to place to worry about nutrition. When he was tired, he drank plenty of caffeine - sleep would have to wait.
Eventually, the stress and stressful living became too much. A day came when Dan "didn't feel so well". His stomach hurt, so he found a quick fix and took a pill - he didn't have time to figure out what the problem was, he was pushing himself to fight or flee.
The next morning, Dan's appendix exploded - apparently it had been sick for quite some time. He spent nine days in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. There were plenty of tubes and needles. He was forced to take three weeks bed rest to recover after the hospital. Dan didn't take the time to stop the stress, so his body made the decision for him.
It could have been worse. Most over-stressed people succumb to a heart-attack or stroke later in life. The compounding factors stress heaps upon the body will produce death - it's usually a matter of time.
That guy, Dan, was pretty lucky.
There are two ways to deal with stress:
Remove / reduce / get rid of the stressor
Cope with the stressor
We tend to force ourselves into more and more stress out of some perceived fear. Many times, a choice can be made to remove the stress, or alter the stress.
When that choice cannot be made, there are very effective coping skills for us to use.
Either way, you must choose. If not, circumstance, or your body, will choose for you.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Time to Take Your Medicine
"Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing." - Voltaire
It's hard to deny that we live in a time when modern science has a cure for everything that ails you. Just turn on the television for a few minutes, and you will find advertisements for magic pills to cure everything from heart burn and indigestion, to melancholy and malaise, anxiety, hyperactive and inattentive children, to male sexual dysfunction - usually within 24-48 hours of beginning treatment (taking your first pill). As long as you don't mind the possibility of 100 side-effects that could range from dry mouth to death, we have a cure for you.
But it's not a cure. It's temporary relief.
"Medicine can only cure curable disease, and then not always" - Chinese Proverb
Despite this proverb, we still tend to think our ailments are quickly curable. We have been taught to expect immediate relief even from diseases and disorders that have taken a life-time to cultivate.
Specifically, I'm talking about issues related to depression, anxiety, or childhood ADHD. These are areas I tend to know well, and have worked with quite a bit. Please understand this: THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! But it has been my experience that those times are not as frequent as we might think.
I greatly appreciate the work of our modern physicians. They have an extremely difficult job of managing a large volume of patients, while fretting over ever-increasing malpractice law-suits which bring about exorbitant malpractice insurance payments (I have heard of rates of $150,000 per year). It's no wonder they are forced to see patients in brief chunks of time and have to respond with the quickest solution possible. This solution often tends to be the most recent pill they have been encouraged to prescribe by the last drug company salesman to come through their door.
It's not an easy job. I believe they do their best. Their goal is to "do no harm", and to hopefully help you, but they are often victims of a very difficult system of insurance, government mandates, and drug company profit-margins.
I encourage you to be an advocate for your own health when it comes to the aforementioned issues of depression, anxiety, and ADHD; and to work with several partners to find the best possible solution for you and your family, rather than accepting the pill that was last recommended by the last drug company. The pills are often not the best answer.
If you have been on the same medication for more than a year, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have been on the same medication for several years, I would suggest that it is no longer effective. After prolonged use, your body builds up a tolerance; you can either increase the amount of the same substance, or move on to a stronger substance. The pattern can continue with increasing substances but diminishing returns for your anxiety, depression, or ADHD.
For me, it's been a great frustration and sadness to hear of people who have been on the same prescription anti-depressant or mood stabilizer for 10 years (no exaggeration), but can't seem to get control of their struggles.
Our physicians are brilliant and caring people. But they are people, and they are fallible. If you struggle with these issues, I encourage you to partner with other professional outside your physicians office. You may find considerable help with a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They may suggest to you a myriad of alternative solutions. Some things that may help these issues, and overall health:
Diet - medication alters our chemistry, so does food. Very often what we eat can impact our moods and concentration. Sometimes simply improving diet can have a huge impact on mental health and wellness.
Exercise - increasing physical activity improves just about every bodily process.
Stress relief - removing stress from your life, or learning to cope with it differently can greatly improve anxiety and depression.
Behavioral interventions - for children struggling with ADHD, small alterations to parenting, home life, or school life can make great improvements in attentiveness and activity.
Meditation - Several thousand years of Eastern philosophy can't be wrong. Learning to meditate for just a few minutes each day can have considerable positive impact.
Cognitive interventions - do you want to think differently about yourself or your situation? Is your thinking depressed or anxious? If you change it, you can change a lot of how you view your world - but sometimes that's a little easier said than done on your own.
These are a just a few examples of the possible interventions outside of your physician's office. Let me again say, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS NECESSARY. However, I believe we have been trained to seek the immediate, but short term solution, rather than working with our physician and other health professionals to do what is best for ourselves.
If you are taking medication for anxiety or depression, or if your child is taking medication for ADHD, and the results have been less than you hoped; or the medication use has gone on for quite a while, or if you simply want to explore alternative solutions, I encourage you to do so, and I want you to know that there are solutions available.
"In medicine, as in statecraft and propaganda, words are sometimes the most powerful drugs we can use." - Dr. Sara Murray Jordan
It's hard to deny that we live in a time when modern science has a cure for everything that ails you. Just turn on the television for a few minutes, and you will find advertisements for magic pills to cure everything from heart burn and indigestion, to melancholy and malaise, anxiety, hyperactive and inattentive children, to male sexual dysfunction - usually within 24-48 hours of beginning treatment (taking your first pill). As long as you don't mind the possibility of 100 side-effects that could range from dry mouth to death, we have a cure for you.
But it's not a cure. It's temporary relief.
"Medicine can only cure curable disease, and then not always" - Chinese Proverb
Despite this proverb, we still tend to think our ailments are quickly curable. We have been taught to expect immediate relief even from diseases and disorders that have taken a life-time to cultivate.
Specifically, I'm talking about issues related to depression, anxiety, or childhood ADHD. These are areas I tend to know well, and have worked with quite a bit. Please understand this: THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! But it has been my experience that those times are not as frequent as we might think.
I greatly appreciate the work of our modern physicians. They have an extremely difficult job of managing a large volume of patients, while fretting over ever-increasing malpractice law-suits which bring about exorbitant malpractice insurance payments (I have heard of rates of $150,000 per year). It's no wonder they are forced to see patients in brief chunks of time and have to respond with the quickest solution possible. This solution often tends to be the most recent pill they have been encouraged to prescribe by the last drug company salesman to come through their door.
It's not an easy job. I believe they do their best. Their goal is to "do no harm", and to hopefully help you, but they are often victims of a very difficult system of insurance, government mandates, and drug company profit-margins.
I encourage you to be an advocate for your own health when it comes to the aforementioned issues of depression, anxiety, and ADHD; and to work with several partners to find the best possible solution for you and your family, rather than accepting the pill that was last recommended by the last drug company. The pills are often not the best answer.
If you have been on the same medication for more than a year, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have been on the same medication for several years, I would suggest that it is no longer effective. After prolonged use, your body builds up a tolerance; you can either increase the amount of the same substance, or move on to a stronger substance. The pattern can continue with increasing substances but diminishing returns for your anxiety, depression, or ADHD.
For me, it's been a great frustration and sadness to hear of people who have been on the same prescription anti-depressant or mood stabilizer for 10 years (no exaggeration), but can't seem to get control of their struggles.
Our physicians are brilliant and caring people. But they are people, and they are fallible. If you struggle with these issues, I encourage you to partner with other professional outside your physicians office. You may find considerable help with a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They may suggest to you a myriad of alternative solutions. Some things that may help these issues, and overall health:
Diet - medication alters our chemistry, so does food. Very often what we eat can impact our moods and concentration. Sometimes simply improving diet can have a huge impact on mental health and wellness.
Exercise - increasing physical activity improves just about every bodily process.
Stress relief - removing stress from your life, or learning to cope with it differently can greatly improve anxiety and depression.
Behavioral interventions - for children struggling with ADHD, small alterations to parenting, home life, or school life can make great improvements in attentiveness and activity.
Meditation - Several thousand years of Eastern philosophy can't be wrong. Learning to meditate for just a few minutes each day can have considerable positive impact.
Cognitive interventions - do you want to think differently about yourself or your situation? Is your thinking depressed or anxious? If you change it, you can change a lot of how you view your world - but sometimes that's a little easier said than done on your own.
These are a just a few examples of the possible interventions outside of your physician's office. Let me again say, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS NECESSARY. However, I believe we have been trained to seek the immediate, but short term solution, rather than working with our physician and other health professionals to do what is best for ourselves.
If you are taking medication for anxiety or depression, or if your child is taking medication for ADHD, and the results have been less than you hoped; or the medication use has gone on for quite a while, or if you simply want to explore alternative solutions, I encourage you to do so, and I want you to know that there are solutions available.
"In medicine, as in statecraft and propaganda, words are sometimes the most powerful drugs we can use." - Dr. Sara Murray Jordan
Monday, August 2, 2010
Why Me?!
All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. -Walt Disney
If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood
Perhaps there exists a possible benefit when hardship is also accepted as part of human life. -Bruce Wayne
Call it what you will: obstacles, struggles, adversity, pain-in-the-neck... Difficult times are a reality in our lives. As noted by the aforementioned quotes, struggle and overcoming obstacles is a reality for those who have succeed in life like Walt Disney, and something popular to discuss in literature from poetry to comic books. The concept is evident and obvious throughout time and place. It is well documented throughout history. So with all this information on adversity, why do we struggle with how we handle our struggles?
In recent times, adversity has confronted us in many well-publicized ways; natural disasters, struggling economy, job losses, international political confrontations. Many of us also struggle with more common day-to-day obstacles in our personal lives: work difficulties, financial concerns, relationship issues , mental / emotional / physical / or spiritual health concerns - the list could go on, because adversity presents itself in all facets of life.
Although these struggles are not unique, nor are they uncommon, they are unique in the way they are found in your life, the way they present themselves in your day, and how you choose to handle them.
There are a few obvious ways you can choose to manage the obstacles and adversity in your life.
Blame & Complain - this is an option that tends to be self-defeating and troubling to others around us, but also one of the easiest to engage in. It is much simpler, and therefore sometimes much more rewarding in the short-term, to blame the obstacle or the cause of the adversity in our life. Although not much progress is made, we tend to feel satisfied that we a target to focus our frustration on. Sometimes the more anger we can muster towards the obstacle, the better we feel about not doing anything about it. To add to the energy we spend blaming, we often engage in speaking out vigorously and aggressively about the obstacle - complaining. The two are often found together because they are easy.
If I could paint a picture of this solution to adversity, I suggest you imagine a large boulder in your path. You want to get somewhere - you are on a stroll towards a wonderful vista, and there is a giant rock blocking your path. The Blame & Complain solution would be to spend the next several days cursing at the rock, scolding the rock for being in your way, kicking and/ or hitting the rock, then resume cursing. The pattern could go on for quite a while - as long as you'd like.
Avoid - somewhat easier, and more self-defeating, is the solution of avoiding the problem. By pretending the problem doesn't exist, or by turning your back on it, you can trick yourself to think that you couldn't, or didn't want to, move past that obstacle in the first place. This solution often works for quite a while, until you realize that you really DID want to see that vista, or accomplish that goal, or improve that relationship, or doing something about your health - then the trick you played on yourself becomes a source of frustration and dissatisfaction.
In our picture, it would be the person who turns around and walks away from the boulder, walks away from the vista, only to realize much later on that they really wanted to get to that destination. There is a strong positive to this idea thought - and that is, at some point returning to conquer that obstacle.
The final style of dealing with adversity in life has a variety of names: succeed, achieve, strive, accomplish, conquer, goal-set; again, the list could go on. This is the act of acknowledging the obstacle, planning a path to the other side, and then implementing it. This can be done with most any obstacle in life.
Trying to climb over the rock, or squeeze around it, or fly over may work - it may not - but continued attempts to do something about it will get you to that vista.
Will every plan succeed? No. But something is gained or learned in every attempt - very often the act of failing can be enough to propel you over, around, past or through the obstacle. You can have an impact on the adversity in your life by doing something about it. It won't always work perfectly. But it will move you in some way further than where you were.
What are you doing about the adversity in your life today?
Are you blaming it? Are you avoiding it? Or are you planning a path through it?
If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood
Perhaps there exists a possible benefit when hardship is also accepted as part of human life. -Bruce Wayne
Call it what you will: obstacles, struggles, adversity, pain-in-the-neck... Difficult times are a reality in our lives. As noted by the aforementioned quotes, struggle and overcoming obstacles is a reality for those who have succeed in life like Walt Disney, and something popular to discuss in literature from poetry to comic books. The concept is evident and obvious throughout time and place. It is well documented throughout history. So with all this information on adversity, why do we struggle with how we handle our struggles?
In recent times, adversity has confronted us in many well-publicized ways; natural disasters, struggling economy, job losses, international political confrontations. Many of us also struggle with more common day-to-day obstacles in our personal lives: work difficulties, financial concerns, relationship issues , mental / emotional / physical / or spiritual health concerns - the list could go on, because adversity presents itself in all facets of life.
Although these struggles are not unique, nor are they uncommon, they are unique in the way they are found in your life, the way they present themselves in your day, and how you choose to handle them.
There are a few obvious ways you can choose to manage the obstacles and adversity in your life.
Blame & Complain - this is an option that tends to be self-defeating and troubling to others around us, but also one of the easiest to engage in. It is much simpler, and therefore sometimes much more rewarding in the short-term, to blame the obstacle or the cause of the adversity in our life. Although not much progress is made, we tend to feel satisfied that we a target to focus our frustration on. Sometimes the more anger we can muster towards the obstacle, the better we feel about not doing anything about it. To add to the energy we spend blaming, we often engage in speaking out vigorously and aggressively about the obstacle - complaining. The two are often found together because they are easy.
If I could paint a picture of this solution to adversity, I suggest you imagine a large boulder in your path. You want to get somewhere - you are on a stroll towards a wonderful vista, and there is a giant rock blocking your path. The Blame & Complain solution would be to spend the next several days cursing at the rock, scolding the rock for being in your way, kicking and/ or hitting the rock, then resume cursing. The pattern could go on for quite a while - as long as you'd like.
Avoid - somewhat easier, and more self-defeating, is the solution of avoiding the problem. By pretending the problem doesn't exist, or by turning your back on it, you can trick yourself to think that you couldn't, or didn't want to, move past that obstacle in the first place. This solution often works for quite a while, until you realize that you really DID want to see that vista, or accomplish that goal, or improve that relationship, or doing something about your health - then the trick you played on yourself becomes a source of frustration and dissatisfaction.
In our picture, it would be the person who turns around and walks away from the boulder, walks away from the vista, only to realize much later on that they really wanted to get to that destination. There is a strong positive to this idea thought - and that is, at some point returning to conquer that obstacle.
The final style of dealing with adversity in life has a variety of names: succeed, achieve, strive, accomplish, conquer, goal-set; again, the list could go on. This is the act of acknowledging the obstacle, planning a path to the other side, and then implementing it. This can be done with most any obstacle in life.
Trying to climb over the rock, or squeeze around it, or fly over may work - it may not - but continued attempts to do something about it will get you to that vista.
Will every plan succeed? No. But something is gained or learned in every attempt - very often the act of failing can be enough to propel you over, around, past or through the obstacle. You can have an impact on the adversity in your life by doing something about it. It won't always work perfectly. But it will move you in some way further than where you were.
What are you doing about the adversity in your life today?
Are you blaming it? Are you avoiding it? Or are you planning a path through it?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Five Steps to Better Communication
We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus, Greek philosopher
It has only been a few years since email and texting have dominated our communication habits. There are arguments on either side of the debate - for or against. Regardless of where you stand, it is impossible to ignore the obvious fact that texting and email has changed how we communicate. As technology continues to evolve, it will be interesting to see how our communication continues to evolve.
Despite our technological advances, one-to-one, face-to-face communication is still the foundation of our relationships with each other. Communication between spouses, peers, co-workers, or parent-to-child shares information, conveys emotions, and exchanges ideas. Healthy communication builds relationships, businesses, and communities. It is one of the pillars upon which a healthy lifestyle is built.
There are several key components to maintain healthy communication with others:
Pay attention - simple, yet increasingly more difficult in our hyper-connected world. Give the person you are speaking with your undivided attention and acknowledge the message both verbally and non-verbally. One of the most difficult parts of paying attention is genuinely listening to what is being said without mentally preparing your rebuttal or thinking about what you are going to say next.
Show that you are listening - let your speaker know you are paying attention by nodding occasionally. Smile and offer other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open and not closed-off. You can also show that you are listening through giving your speaker small verbal cues to continue speaking.
Provide feedback - our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." are great ways to reflect back. You can also ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say..." "Is this what you mean?"
Defer judgment - if paying attention is difficult, there are times deferring judgment can be impossible. But it is one of the most important components of healthy communication. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish. Don't interrupt with counter-arguments.
Respond Appropriately - these steps offer a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.
These steps should be used communicating with anyone in your life - spouse, coworker, child, friend, etc. It takes deliberate action and focus to be a good communicator.
Concentrate on your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside your thoughts and judgments in order to really pay attention to your speaker. By reminding yourself of these steps, you will become a better communicator, and will be heard by those you speak with.
It has only been a few years since email and texting have dominated our communication habits. There are arguments on either side of the debate - for or against. Regardless of where you stand, it is impossible to ignore the obvious fact that texting and email has changed how we communicate. As technology continues to evolve, it will be interesting to see how our communication continues to evolve.
Despite our technological advances, one-to-one, face-to-face communication is still the foundation of our relationships with each other. Communication between spouses, peers, co-workers, or parent-to-child shares information, conveys emotions, and exchanges ideas. Healthy communication builds relationships, businesses, and communities. It is one of the pillars upon which a healthy lifestyle is built.
There are several key components to maintain healthy communication with others:
Pay attention - simple, yet increasingly more difficult in our hyper-connected world. Give the person you are speaking with your undivided attention and acknowledge the message both verbally and non-verbally. One of the most difficult parts of paying attention is genuinely listening to what is being said without mentally preparing your rebuttal or thinking about what you are going to say next.
Show that you are listening - let your speaker know you are paying attention by nodding occasionally. Smile and offer other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open and not closed-off. You can also show that you are listening through giving your speaker small verbal cues to continue speaking.
Provide feedback - our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." are great ways to reflect back. You can also ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say..." "Is this what you mean?"
Defer judgment - if paying attention is difficult, there are times deferring judgment can be impossible. But it is one of the most important components of healthy communication. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish. Don't interrupt with counter-arguments.
Respond Appropriately - these steps offer a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.
These steps should be used communicating with anyone in your life - spouse, coworker, child, friend, etc. It takes deliberate action and focus to be a good communicator.
Concentrate on your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside your thoughts and judgments in order to really pay attention to your speaker. By reminding yourself of these steps, you will become a better communicator, and will be heard by those you speak with.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Two Little Ideas That Opened the Floodgates
I'm not sure if it was hours of blueberry picking in the hot sun, or the extra barrels of blueberries I ate while we were laboring.
Maybe it was the yellow-jacket sting on my ear (yeah, that smarts - and it looks pretty funny too).
Or maybe it was the multi-page "honey-do" list I was awarded this weekend.
Whatever the reason, the cursed Writer's Block had come to rest firmly upon my shoulders.
Until The Muse arrived at the perfect time. Today he came in the form of a quick email from Seth Godin. Now, I know you may have had your fill as I have shouted my praise for Seth's work in the recommendations section of my newsletter. But I felt I owed it to you who have not read his work to share this piece, and then he will fade away from these articles, unless you ask for more.
Although a businessman and marketing expert, Seth has a great handle on the human condition and what makes us tick. His ideas here scream to be implemented in our daily lives:
The management of signals
There are two things we can get better at:
1. Getting accurate signals from the world. Right now, we take in information from many places, but we're not particularly focused on filtering the information that might be false, and more important, what might be missing.
2. Sorting and ranking information based on importance. We often make the mistake of ranking things as urgent, which aren't, or true, which are false, or knowable, when they're not. Dealing successfully with times of change (like now) requires that you simultaneously broaden your reach, focus on what's important and aggressively ignore things that are both loud and false.
Easier said than done.
I am amazed at how much insight can be packed into so few words. Here is what I took away from it:
"Accurate signals from the world" - How often do we misinterpret what we hear from those close to us? How often does a simple conversation turn into a disagreement with a loved one or someone at work, because we misread their tone, gesture, or meaning? How can we improve our communication with those important people to continuously improve our relationships with them? What other areas of our lives do we find ourselves taking in inaccurate information?
"we take in information from many places" - Take a moment to think about how many different sources of information you give your time and attention to each day: News media (tv, radio, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, FOX NEWS), Social media (Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Second Life, blogs), email (work, family, friends, people trying to sell you the next big thing), marketing (all those other ways you are trying to be sold the next big thing on tv, radio, billboards, text, phone, etc...) - and that's usually before you leave the house! At some point, MAYBE you have time to take in information from actual live people that you may have a deeper relationship with in a meaningful way. If you are fortunate, you may actually be able to have a conversation with the aforementioned person.
"filtering the information...what might be missing" - Do you take the time to consider the information you are receiving consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever wonder "why are they telling me this?" Do you question whether or not the information is given to you in a way that is in your best interest, or is it in somebody else's interest for you to consume that information? If the information is not good for you, who is it good for?
One of the most significant ways this realization occurred to me was in reading Dr. David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, where he shares his interviews with food industry officials and their comments on how food is "engineered" to make us eat more, that "fat free", "sugar free", and "reduced calorie" may mean "unhealthy" and "you will eat more"; but that we are given only the information that makes it easy for us to digest.
"Sorting and ranking information" - as more and more sources compete for our attention, it's human nature to struggle to determine where our time and energy is best spent. In the end, it may come to a simple question of which is greater; consuming media or building relationships? Watch the 5th hour of programming on where a basketball player will continue his career, or play ball with the kids? Google new video of the same tragic pictures of oil flowing into the ocean, or take a drive to visit an old friend? One more episode of "The Deadliest Catch" marathon, or go fishing? It comes down to choices, your choices. And in a world where more and more people are competing for your choice in new and innovative ways, sometimes it's easy to forget you have a choice.
The final part that leapt out to me is "times of change" - really, aren't we always in a time of change? Whether it is personal or public, local or national, healthy or unhealthy, the world is always changing. You are always changing. Consciously or unconsciously; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually; by choice, or by lack of choice - you change.
I've shared my thoughts on Seth's insights. I'd enjoy hearing what you think about his words. Hopefully my case of "Writer's Block" proved as insightful for you, as Seth's timely email did for me.
Maybe it was the yellow-jacket sting on my ear (yeah, that smarts - and it looks pretty funny too).
Or maybe it was the multi-page "honey-do" list I was awarded this weekend.
Whatever the reason, the cursed Writer's Block had come to rest firmly upon my shoulders.
Until The Muse arrived at the perfect time. Today he came in the form of a quick email from Seth Godin. Now, I know you may have had your fill as I have shouted my praise for Seth's work in the recommendations section of my newsletter. But I felt I owed it to you who have not read his work to share this piece, and then he will fade away from these articles, unless you ask for more.
Although a businessman and marketing expert, Seth has a great handle on the human condition and what makes us tick. His ideas here scream to be implemented in our daily lives:
The management of signals
There are two things we can get better at:
1. Getting accurate signals from the world. Right now, we take in information from many places, but we're not particularly focused on filtering the information that might be false, and more important, what might be missing.
2. Sorting and ranking information based on importance. We often make the mistake of ranking things as urgent, which aren't, or true, which are false, or knowable, when they're not. Dealing successfully with times of change (like now) requires that you simultaneously broaden your reach, focus on what's important and aggressively ignore things that are both loud and false.
Easier said than done.
I am amazed at how much insight can be packed into so few words. Here is what I took away from it:
"Accurate signals from the world" - How often do we misinterpret what we hear from those close to us? How often does a simple conversation turn into a disagreement with a loved one or someone at work, because we misread their tone, gesture, or meaning? How can we improve our communication with those important people to continuously improve our relationships with them? What other areas of our lives do we find ourselves taking in inaccurate information?
"we take in information from many places" - Take a moment to think about how many different sources of information you give your time and attention to each day: News media (tv, radio, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, FOX NEWS), Social media (Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Second Life, blogs), email (work, family, friends, people trying to sell you the next big thing), marketing (all those other ways you are trying to be sold the next big thing on tv, radio, billboards, text, phone, etc...) - and that's usually before you leave the house! At some point, MAYBE you have time to take in information from actual live people that you may have a deeper relationship with in a meaningful way. If you are fortunate, you may actually be able to have a conversation with the aforementioned person.
"filtering the information...what might be missing" - Do you take the time to consider the information you are receiving consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever wonder "why are they telling me this?" Do you question whether or not the information is given to you in a way that is in your best interest, or is it in somebody else's interest for you to consume that information? If the information is not good for you, who is it good for?
One of the most significant ways this realization occurred to me was in reading Dr. David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, where he shares his interviews with food industry officials and their comments on how food is "engineered" to make us eat more, that "fat free", "sugar free", and "reduced calorie" may mean "unhealthy" and "you will eat more"; but that we are given only the information that makes it easy for us to digest.
"Sorting and ranking information" - as more and more sources compete for our attention, it's human nature to struggle to determine where our time and energy is best spent. In the end, it may come to a simple question of which is greater; consuming media or building relationships? Watch the 5th hour of programming on where a basketball player will continue his career, or play ball with the kids? Google new video of the same tragic pictures of oil flowing into the ocean, or take a drive to visit an old friend? One more episode of "The Deadliest Catch" marathon, or go fishing? It comes down to choices, your choices. And in a world where more and more people are competing for your choice in new and innovative ways, sometimes it's easy to forget you have a choice.
The final part that leapt out to me is "times of change" - really, aren't we always in a time of change? Whether it is personal or public, local or national, healthy or unhealthy, the world is always changing. You are always changing. Consciously or unconsciously; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually; by choice, or by lack of choice - you change.
I've shared my thoughts on Seth's insights. I'd enjoy hearing what you think about his words. Hopefully my case of "Writer's Block" proved as insightful for you, as Seth's timely email did for me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
9 Questions to Make Your Child Listen
Our relationships with our children are a strange and mysterious journey - often with no discernable path or map, but often with the destination of "doing the right thing" to help them grow and develop in the best possible way. These relationships are filled with joy and heartbreak, sadness and elation. They are some of the longest standing, and most meaningful relationships we will have in our lives. At the end of our lives, the relationships we have with our children will be one of the most significant parts of our legacy.
Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.
It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.
Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.
The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.
1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?
2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?
3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?
4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.
5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.
6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)
7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)
8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?
9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?
These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!
Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.
It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.
Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.
The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.
1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?
2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?
3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?
4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.
5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.
6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)
7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)
8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?
9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?
These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!
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