Quick Tips for Effective Discipline

There aren't many jobs that are guaranteed to last 18+ years. Once you agree to it, you've signed on for a two-decade run. Few jobs are as difficult. No job is as full of ups and downs, sadness, frustration, elation, and joy. No benefits or salary any place else could even come close.

Parenting.

It's the toughest job any of us could have ever signed up or.

Fortunately, there are plenty of guides available - just check your local bookstore. The frightening part is that they all say something different. In the end, you are left to take a little of what you learned from your parents, compromise with your teammate co-parent, and figure it out on your own.

Fortunately, as long as you show up every day and give it your all, you'll do an outstanding job. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Trust your gut. You are endowed with an amazing "PARENTAL INSTINCT" the moment your child is born - never doubt it.

Ask for help when you need it.

There is plenty more advice I could offer, but that's a good place to start for general information. I thought I would provide some keys to effective discipline to consider. It seems to be an area we all struggle with - I know I do - and I've heard the stories of other's who do as well.

Discipline with love

Listen and communicate

Focus on the behavior, not the child

Respond immediately

Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity

Be realistic

Remain calm

Be fair

Do not harm or injure

Set boundaries

Make it a learning opportunity

Be consistent

Be creative

Develop rules and expectations in advance

Use timeouts

Reward or praise desirable behaviors

Model desired behavior

Encourage the child's cooperation and understanding

Develop behavioral contracts and incentive charts

You may be using a few of these already - the more you use, the better. You don't have to use them all - you don't have to be perfect. You've got quite a while to work on them. They work for entire span of the job.

Dan Recommends


A few of my favorite parenting tomes:

This is a great series for all ages of children:



My favorite for Dad's with daughters, and a book I have read just about every year since my first daughter was born:


Finally, a series of awesome books on how to connect with loved ones - this one specifically for kids, but there's also a great one for couples:

Life Lessons from the Trail (Again)

What a wonderfully amazing and beautiful trip into the back woods of the northern "mitten" of Michigan. It was really one of those trips that are hard to describe in words. We went just at the right time, and had brought with us considerable learning from our previous endeavors. We felt well prepared. But it's funny how you might only remember the good things.

Because, on the other hand, as I think about it; it was a cold, rainy, windy trip. It rained the entire first day. The only thing protecting us from the 30-35 mph winds at night was a few sheets of nylon and polyester. The second night, it was bitter cold - just a bit above freezing. Again, there were lessons to be learned - lessons that not only apply to hiking and camping, but to life in general.

DREAM - somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we seem to lose the ability to dream big. I'm not sure why, but it seems taboo to dream big as an adult. If it wasn't for dreaming big, we never would have thought of this particular trip.

PLAN - we have such a great opportunity to dream and then plan unique experiences that previous generations didn't - all because of the internet. There are so many possibilities to see, do, and travel, that it seems like such a waste not to plan something big, or plan something to get out of the house on the weekend. It doesn't have to be hundreds of miles away, but could be a local festival or event in your community. Planning, getting up and off the couch, boosts self-esteem, increases relationships, and really just feels good!

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT - this can be applied to hobbies, work, relationships or personal growth. Get out and do something you haven't done before. A year ago, it didn't seem possible to hike 20+ miles through a National Forest, carrying everything to survive in a backpack. It took the investment of a lot of time and energy to get there; we had to stretch far outside our comfort zones to get there. There was a lot to learn. In striving to do something different, we are forced to learn, to adapt, to grow. The more we do, the more we grow as individuals.

NETWORK - social networks are more than just a screen, and keyboard, and a Facebook account. Research over the past 50 years continues to prove that the more friends we have, the more people we spent time with in conversation and affiliation, the healthier we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Time spent with friends should be uplifting and enjoyable, and leave us feeling better for the experience.

It's a beautiful time of year. I encourage you to dream, plan, and do with friends and family. It is a simple step to improve your overall health, and to simply enjoy life.

Dan Recommends


If I have at all inspired you to even consider backpacking, hiking, or camping, these two books are the place to start:

The definitive guide for just about every question you might have, from the guy who has hiked around the world several times over - literally: The Backpacker's Handbook, and my favorite piece of hiking lore, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trailis a very funny and invigorating story of the author's attempts at hiking the Appalachian Trail.

On the other hand, if you are more of a festival goer in the Midwest, this one is a great one for families: Kids Love Indiana: A Parent's Guide to Exploring Fun Places in Indiana With Children...Year Round!


Enjoy!

The Dangerous Side of Self-Talk

I always hated public speaking. My first speech in my first speech class was horrifying. My classmates were concerned I was going to drop dead on the spot. I sweat profusely enough that it was raining on my notes. My face was beet red - I may have stopped breathing for 8-9 minutes. It was bad. From that moment on I swore never to speak publicly again.

What a cruel joke life can play on us. I've had to do quite a bit of public speaking over the past 15+ years. Initially, it was by force; eventually, I grew to like it. Today, I think it is quite fun. Rumor has it, I'm pretty "OK" at it. So it wasn't that big of a deal when I was asked to read in front of the entire church this past weekend. It wasn't even like I was speaking, just reading. I knew to take the time to review the material and practice a few times. It should've been a piece of cake, just like it had been a dozen times before.

Apparently, life had a few lessons to remind me of that day - because they came flooding back once I was up there, stammering in front of 100 people (no, wait, maybe it was 200 - surely it was a thousand; possibly even ten thousand, my mind raced...)

It really is an amazing phenomenon how your brain can split off and do multiple things at one time - "multi-tasking" we sometimes call it today.

While I was up there reading a few verses I had practiced for several days, my mind was going everywhere it shouldn't. My self-talk was in danger of derailing the entire situation. While I was only reading for a few moments, my brain was able to conjure up a million negative thoughts, ideas, and appraisals - all directed at how terrible I was doing. Imagine these ideas coming at you at light-speed, all generated by your own voice in your head:

- Everyone is looking at you
- They can't even hear you
- Why are they looking at you like that
- You learned the wrong stuff!
- Nobody is even paying attention
- You are reading the wrong stuff!
- I knew you would say the wrong word there!
- You are TERRIBLE at this!
- Your stammering
- You're sweating!
- Can they see me sweat?
- Your voice is cracking
- You should stop
- He's going to tell you to stop


Of course, the other obvious idea that came to mind was, "you should really write about this".

I know many of us experience this phenomenon of negative self-talk throughout the day. When we experience it too much, it can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health, or self-esteem, relationships, and our work. The bottom line is, it's just not healthy to go through your day telling yourself these negative things, ESPECIALLY when they are irrational, unreal, and far from the truth!

There are a variety of ways to reverse this course. Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It really can be as simple as saying more positive things to yourself: I am succeeding, I'm not too bad at this, I'll get through this, etc.

Taking the time away from a critical situation to consider your negative self-talk can also help. Once you read this article, take a few minutes to write down a list of the negative things you say to yourself. Then write the positive on the other side of the paper. In doing that, you have just taken a huge step in changing your self-talk.

Dan Recommends

Just as patterns of negative self-talk can impact our mental and emotional health; negative patterns in our relationships can have an unhealthy effect on us, and those around us. I've found myself recommending this book to a lot of people lately - if you are struggling in your marriage, or would simply like to improve an already strong relationship, this is a great research based, but easy to read guide.

Are You Hitting Your Peaks?

There are those glorious moments in life when we just feel like everything is perfect; Maslow summed it up as "those sudden feelings of intense well-being that fill us with wonder and awe; a beautiful sunset in an amazing vacation location, experiencing that "AH HA moment" after searching or an answer, summiting the peak of a previously insurmountable. There are many more to describe, despite how infrequently they seem to occur.


A recent Psychology Today article seems to suggest that we can help ourselves achieve more of these peak moments through a few simple alterations to our decisions and behavior. Here are a few ideas to help you experience more. If your life seems to be passing in a dull blur, try these steps for having more highlights.

Volunteer. The best way to not only create peak experiences, but keep them rolling in like waves, one after another, is to be part o a larger community that is making the world a better place", says Jeffrey Kottler, Professor of Psychology at California State University. "It doesn't really matter where you being... just save one person or join one cause, and let it grow from there. The passion can follow the action."

Challenge yourself. Something I am constantly encouraging others to do, and working on myself. "Periods of struggle to overcome challenges are what people find the most enjoyable times of their lives", says Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, director of the Quality of Life Center at the University of Chicago and author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He advises setting a tough goal and starting on the steps that will lead to success. The challenge can be physical, mental, or a combination, like learning to play a musical instrument, reading the complete works of a famous classical author or poet, or completing a triathlon.

Buy Experiences - Not Things. This idea seems so difficult in a culture that is constantly marketing to us to buy the latest greatest and newest toy. These new toys usually make us extremely happy, for a very short amount of time... I rarely hear people rave about their new phone or computer for more than a few weeks after the purchase - and usually they are complaining if they bought in a manner where they have to pay continually (credit). But you frequently here them share about the amazing vacation they took with their family, or the wonderful dinner they splurged on, or the show that took their breathe away. Buy a child a new toy, and they will eventually forget about it, share time or an experience with your child, and they will talking about it as an adult.

Daydream about the future. "If you want to cultivate more memorable experiences, you have to have a love affair with the future", says Shane Lopez of the Gallup polling organization. "Painting a colorful picture will provide the energy to move forward". Daydreaming about the future, planning a course of action, and achieving is a sure method to more peak moments.

Recommended Reading:
 
If you are looking for more peak experiences and trying to achieve them in a creative way, this book is for you. I love Hugh McLeod's humor and his inspiring art. This book is full of both.

5 Steps to Better Decisions

Do I ask her to marry me? Should I tell him it's over? Can I ask my boss for a raise? Is it time to quit my job? Should I start my own business? Should I spend, or should I save?




Life is full of critical decisions. Every day is full of not so critical, minor decisions. We are constantly confronted with situations where we must decide -so how do you do it? It is it a quick and easy impulse, a decision you've made countless times before, or is it a painstakingly drawn out weighing of advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons?



Whether you are struggling to make an important decision, or working to change your more impulsive decisions, there are five questions you can ask yourself to help you along the way. I've used these questions, originally researched by Maultsby over 20 years ago, to work through my own decisions in life, and to help many others:



Is my thinking based on objective fact? This questions offers you a moment of pause to think about the facts, and to make sure you are considering the "facts" and not just your opinion, wants, needs, impulse, etc. Too many times, we can trace poor decisions back to acting on impulse, and not on fact. Too often, we may think "fact" and "opinion" are interchangeable - when it comes to making effective decisions, they're not.



Does my thinking help protect my life and health? Big decisions really deserve the time to ask if it is protective, and I think we often give those big decisions that thought. It's the small decisions - the daily decisions to eat veggies or drive-through, to hit the snooze button one more time or go exercise - these decisions are the ones we might want to stop and ask ourselves this question more often.



Does this decision advance my short-term and long-term goals? What are your goals in life; goals for today, this week, this year, and this lifetime? When we have goals, and we allow them to impact our daily decisions, we tend to be happier with our decisions.



Does my thinking help me prevent unwanted and unnecessary conflict with myself and others? I know when a decision is going to put me in conflict, especially at home. I think most people recognize when a decision is going to put themselves in conflict, but we choose with immediate gratification versus long-term serenity. A good decision is keeps us out of conflict.



Does my thinking help me feel the way I need to? Quite simply - do I feel guilty if I make this decision? Not all decisions are about guilt, but very often they are about avoiding guilt. Considering the emotional impact of our decisions will often lead to healthier decisions.
 

A Personal Challenge

It's a small exaggeration to say that there were points when we thought one of us was going to die, or at best, we were going to drive each other crazy.

By the time we got to our destination we were out of water, the heat had skyrocketed to over 100 degrees, the flies were as big as small dogs, and the mosquitoes swarmed in cloud-like unison. To make matters worse, we had to turn around and go back 4-5 hours journey to have any hope at cooling off the next day.

It could be said that first trip was an absolute disaster. It was horrible.

We are planning to do it again in just a few weeks.
WHY?

If for no other reason, because it's fun. Seriously. I think there is something enjoyable in pushing yourself to the limits. And we discovered quite a bit about our limits - physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. We learned a lot during that disastrous little adventure. There are a ton of reasons to give it a try again - reasons most of us should find in our life.

Reason 1 - first, a little bit of research and psycho-babble jargon to make you think - to stretch your cognitive abilities, if you will. Why? Because research says it is important to stretch and exercise your brain just like you stretch and exercise your muscles (you ARE stretching and exercising your muscles, aren't you?)

When we are born, our brain starts out as a flexible, malleable mass of neurons sitting atop our spinal cord - our job is to fill it full of knowledge. This is easier to due in our earlier years - brain cells fire quicker, faster, better when we are younger. As we age, our brain loses it's plasticity; our intelligence becomes more "crystallized" - that's why our thinking becomes more rigid, and our memory becomes more difficult to remember, the older we become.

One way to fight this - to stay nimble of memory, and quick of wit - is to constantly challenge yourself in your daily living. We do that by constantly trying to learn new things, - read, research, discover. Engaging in activities - trying new foods - exploring different opportunities in life - all are great opportunities to stretch your brain and work to maintain that plasticity throughout your life.

Reason 2 - Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger - and in our world where there isn't much that can kill you, it's healthy to step outside your comfort zone and make an attempt to push yourself. Our caveman brothers and sisters had to fear for their lives every time they stepped outside their cave; that helped them to evolve into what we are today. They had to grow stronger, faster, and smarter to survive - we don't have the same environmental forces pushing us, so it's helpful to push ourselves to grow smarter, faster, and stronger in all aspects of our life.

Reason 3 - Failure is good for you (as long as it doesn't kill you - see #2) - some of my greatest revelations in life have come only as a result of attempting to do something great, and failing miserably. There once was a time where those miserable defeats would shut me down for quite a while - they still sting, but I have learned to assess the problem and move on from it - to grow from it and try again. This has been one of the most valuable life lessons I have learned, and it came with quite a cost, a cost that was well worth it.

So now I want to challenge you - I've listed three reasons why you should challenge yourself, what will you do with it? Is there a challenge or a goal you've been thinking about undertaking? Is now the time? Take a moment to share about it at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com 's Articles section - it makes you accountable to yourself when you write it down, it allows others to help you to be accountable to your goal when you share it.

My goal - I'm going to hike 20+ miles through the North Country Scenic Trail, and not just survive it this time, but ENJOY it.

What's your goal - work related? A social venture? A new personal goal? Share about it in the Articles-Comments section at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com

Is Your Child on Drugs?

The start of school is usually a bitter-sweet time for parents. Summer is coming to an end, as is the extra time we get to spend with our children. Along with this sadness, most parents sigh a collective sigh of relief to watch the youngsters go back to school.

My time as director of an intensive adolescent substance abuse treatment center taught me that this is also the time of year young people start their experimentation with drug use - sometimes leading to full-blown dependence by the next semester, if their use goes unchecked.

A new school year is a time of great change for any child, for those changing schools - from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school - it's also a time of meeting new friends, and learning more about themselves. This is also the time children and adolescents may come into contact with alcohol, marijuana, prescription pills, or other illicit substances.

It is an important time for parents to understand that no matter how much you have tried to shield your child, no matter where you live, substance use is abundant in our culture, and in the adolescent culture. An educated parent is her child's best ally against substance use.

This is not meant to scare you, but to encourage you to educate yourself, and to realize the subtle and insidious nature of substance abuse - it CAN effect YOUR child! I have worked with the children from families of every part of life and many parts of the country - children of Federal Agents, Truck Drivers, Doctors, Lawyers, Laborers, wealthy - poor - middle class; city, suburb, or farm -country. Substance abuse, addiction, knows no boundaries. Educate yourself. Know the warning signs. And please, don't kid yourself that "it won't happen to my child".

Warning Signs:

Extreme mood swings - if you have been an adolescent, you know this time is riddled with "mood swings", but here we are talking about wild mood swings from joy to hatred - often brought on by the parental word "No" (if you don't use this word much at home, you may want to read some of my previous articles on parenting). These extreme moods swings can often be the result of substance use that creates euphoria, and then the crash of withdrawal, prompted by a need to go out and get more. There have been times that these moods swings, if brought to the attention of a physician, may be misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

Withdrawal or increased isolation - adolescent and pre-adolescents need their private time. They also need time away from parents and siblings to de-stress from the trials of school life and the flurry of changes that are happening to them. Healthy children engage in healthy behaviors during this time - studying, writing, communicating with friends (type/text/email/IM/etc), or playing video games. Parents should be concerned for the child that suddenly requires considerably more private time, or doesn't associate with the family at all - trading this time in for time behind a locked door in their room. Note to parents - locked doors, drawers, closets, etc are often a giant "red flag", as is your 15 year-old son's sudden interest in the legal ramifications of his "right to privacy". This is a difficult boundary, because for healthy growth, they should be entitled to privacy, however, it is not a "right" in your household if you are concerned they are engaging in unhealthy or illegal behavior - Parents have rights too, and they have responsibilities to protect their children.

Change of friends - when the old "good" friends that you used to like stop coming around and are traded in for new friends who might be a little "different", this is a cause for concern and conversation. There is nothing wrong with questioning your child's peer choices - but trying to dictate who friends should be can be another difficult situation. Encourage your child to make healthy peer choices through conversation and questions like:

- Tell me about your new friends .
- What do you like to do together?
- What do you have in common?
- Can I call (new friend) parents and chat with them?
- How does (new friend) do in school?
- What does (new friend) plan on doing in life?

Change in appearance - Dads of young ladies, this is a HUGE chore for you. It's difficult enough to discuss your "little baby" who used to run around in overalls and pigtails now wearing low-cut tops and high-cut bottoms. It is equally concerning when your once cheerfully dressed child starts wearing super-baggy, super-dark, or super-different clothing. TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE and what it means to you and your family. This is a great opportunity to ask about what image they would like to convey - this is another time for conversation, not authoritarianism.

These are just a few of the warning signs. Drastic change is the key - when the change you experience in your child is far outside what you expect to be "normal", I implore you to trust your "parent gut" - that instinctual sense you were endowed with the second your child was born. If your gut tells you something is amiss, trust it; ask questions, have a conversation.

If you struggle trusting your parent gut, or what your child is saying; or if you are having a hard time engaging in these conversations without resulting to arguments, it may be time to ask for some help.