My 14 Favorite Resources

I wanted to take a break from my normal weekly articles to offer you something a little different. As I was perusing my offices the other day, looking for something to read, I realized, “wow, that’s quite a few books”. As I was looking for something for myself, I started to pick out different books for different people – books and movies I had referred to clients, suggested to family, or discussed with my friends. I was rather impressed with myself and how many I had read or recommended in the past year.

I thought you might find it helpful if shared my favorites in the areas most related to Mental Health and Wellness – the initial list was close to 50, so I reduced it to the best of the best. Feel free to comment if you have read them - I’d love to hear what you thought. (Disclaimer: these are ‘affiliate links’, meaning Amazon.com gives me a bright and shiny nickel for each purchase.)

Marriage, Family, and Parenting

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters – Dr. Meg Meeker

I’ve recommend this to many people, and many of you have heard me say I go back to this one at least once a year. If you are as blessed as I am to be the father of girls, this is a MUST read.

Dr. Meeker also has a book on parenting boys, but I have not had a chance to review that one, yet.
Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman & The Gottman Institute
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
My go-to marriage book for my own life, and the one I refer most in my office – scientifically based, but well written and easy to read. Full of interesting concepts, but, more importantly, helpful exercises to help keep your marriage working.

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage - Gottman

The follow-up to the Gottman’s ground breaking work – this one has 10 case studies to read about how other couples handle situations

The Five Love Languages – Chapman

A classic marriage and family tome – and another I recommend in my office fairly regularly - this is the basic one aimed and helping you understand how you best give and receive love in a relationship. There are several variations available aimed at children and teens.

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage
There are times when marriage becomes so difficult that the best option might be to take a break to regroup. When marriage gets rough, sometimes a separation is helpful – this book is aimed and making those times productive, rather than impulsive and angry attempts to escape. If you have reached the point that nothing else works, this book – as well as the support of a marriage and family therapist – can help.

Mental Health & Psychology – samples of the science of understanding human behavior

Outliers: The Story of Success
Macolm Gladwell just doesn’t write bad books – of his four works, this is my current favorite. In Outliers, Gladwell researches and highlights the factors it takes to be a success – why is it certain Canadien children rise to the top of the National Hockey League and others don’t (hint : it has everything to do with the month they were born), how did the Beatles position themselves for success, and how did Bill Gates amass 10,000 hours of experience before anyone else? A fascinating a quick read that will change how you look at success.

Dorothy Otnow Lewis
Guilty by Reason of Insanity: A Psychiatrist Explores the Minds of Killers
If you have ever watched the news and thought, “How can they commit such horrible acts”, when it comes to criminals and their behavior, this book offers case studies and explanations.

Howard Dully
My Lobotomy
The heart-breaking story of one man’s unfortunate childhood that resulted in having part of his brain removed by lobotomy – a process that was performed over 10,000 times in the 1960’s.

Stress: Portrait of A Killer

A great documentary on the life altering impact of unmitigated stress – this is a dvd that spends more time off my bookshelf being loaned out, than it spends on my shelf.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is Seducing America
Dr. Drew has the unique opportunity to work with some of our most famous cultural icons through his psychiatric practice and substance abuse treatment in Hollywood. This book chronicles the mental health issues that are pervasive in Hollywood, as well as how the drive for people today to achieve their “15-minutes of fame” is creating a society of narcissists.

Other – really good books that just didn’t fit into an easy category

Hugh McLeod
Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity
Artist Hugh McLeod has a great story about his rise to fame, and a great book of short stories to encourage your creativity. His cartoons focus on topics of business, marketing, creativity, and just about everything in between – if you want a sample, check out his website at www.gapingvoid.com

Linchpin

If you have read more than two of my weekly articles in the past year, then you have heard me talk about Seth Godin – he’s a great entrepreneur, and a bit of a self-help genius without even knowing it. This is really about being all that you can be, doing emotional labor, fighting The Lizard Brain, and achieving.

Dr. Kessler
The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite
Terribly frightening but necessary read about the food industry’s manipulation of what we eat to “trick” us into buying and consuming more. This book will help you to review and understand your own habits an behavior when it comes to food.

5 Reasons Why the Time is NOW

Procrastination is one of those words that we joke about in order to avoid truly facing and confronting it. Sometimes, it can be seen as a conflict of priorities - like how I have procrastinated on writing this article all weekend; instead I chose to spend the weekend watching football with friends, spending time talking about life, and playing cards until way past out "bed times" - it was well worth it, it was higher up on my list of priorities, but now I have to face the consequences of my choices, and deal with the effects of my procrastination.

There are many times in life where your procrastination will only affect you - as my procrastination is only affecting me now. Usually it just means that you will have to work a little harder, a little faster, a little longer, and maybe a little later when you finally do "get around to it".

However, there are times when your procrastination impacts more than just you; or impacts you in such a way that it is more than just an inconvenience. These situations appear to be more and more prevalent. Here are just a few of the examples when NOW is the time to do something, and procrastination isn't such a joke:

- When the doctor says "your blood pressure is too high - you have to change your diet and start exercising, NOW is the time to make those changes, not next week. When you "wait until next week", "next week" quickly becomes next month, and 5 years have gone by. It may not be as easy to get that blood pressure under control.

- When your child says "look at me", or "will you play with me", or one of the myriad of other questions they may ask you, NOW is the time to pay attention, wholeheartedly, if just for a few seconds. More than likely, nothing that you are doing is going to have more of an impact on the world, than giving that child a few minutes to feel like they are the most importantly person in your world - you teach them they are valued, and you give them the attention they need to grow and develop to be a happy and healthy person.

- When your spouse says to you "I need more attention", or "I would like to improve our relationship", or "I think we need some help", NOW is the time to turn off the tv and give your undivided attention. If you haven't turned off the television enough times in the past, it may be time to call someone for help, or at the very least, check out the helpful work of the folks at the Gottman Institute and their work Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America's Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship

- When you are too stressed to sleep, too depressed to get up, or too anxious to go about your day; NOW is the time to do something about it. It MIGHT get better on it's own, but seeking the help you need, or gaining access to the resources that can help, WILL make things better quicker. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it, the only shame is delaying the time it takes to feel better.

- When you have a dream so big that you get excited just thinking about it - NOW is the time to take action! Are you going to train to run a 5k or a marathon? Is it time to leave your job and start your own business? Do you want to publish your ideas or research in your field? Whatever your goal, NOW is the time to start. We live in a time ripe with opportunity, possibility, and new and evolving technologies to success and accomplish. The only thing that is holding you back is your procrastination. The only thing holding you back is you.

Happy New Year! Now Don't Blow It!

As the new year approached, I wrote quite a bit about setting goals, maintaining goals, accountability to your goals. I even let you in on my goals for 2011.

It's the 3rd day of the new year, and I blew it already....

There were simply too many forms of cheese - my weakness food - at the last holiday gathering this weekend.

I haven't put on my running shoes in forever...

I didn't get out of bed early to write like I said I was going to.

I gained ten pounds over the holidays - NOW the goal to lose ten has doubled...

I just can't do it.

I didn't really think I was going to accomplish those goals.

What a joke.

Sound familiar? This is the voice in my head when things don't quite go as perfectly as planned. I can say a lot more meaner things too, these are just the words fit to print. Do you have a voice like this?

You can tell that voice to go away now - it's time has come. You will succeed in your goals this year. You may not succeed as perfectly as you expected last week, but you will succeed. It's a matter of altering your expectations for success.

You don't have to do it perfectly. You can make mistakes, you can even back-slide or regress. It's not a failure until you give up.

I WILL miss a few training runs before I get to the starting line in May. But the goal isn't to have a perfect training season, it's to finish.

I will succumb to the intoxicating effects of cheese a few more times - it won't be healthy, nor will it be pretty, but I can get back on the wagon.

I will stall until the last minute to write my weekly article, I may not even feel like doing it, but it WILL get done - just not perfectly.

You don't have to be perfect in the process of achieving your goal. You just have to work at it. You can fail as many times as you like. Each failure can be as long as you like - a day, a week, longer - but you can also pick yourself back up after each "failure" to get back on track.

Happy New Year - have a successful, happy, healthy, productive, wonderful, and blessed 2011.

It's the End of the Year as We Know It

I've talked quite a bit about goal setting and reviewing the past year here in these articles, and in my daily work. I thought that if I was prescribing this for everyone else, it would probably be a good idea for me to engage in some of the same behavior. So I thought it might be helpful for both you and I if I shared some of my goals for the upcoming year - hopefully you can help me with that much needed accountability, and I can do the same for you.

2010 has been a heck of a ride - both personally and globally. The year had its share of up's and down's - of course, I am hoping for more up's than down's in the next year. I've thought of quite a few goals to help - ironically, I found it easy to write about the theory of effective goal setting a few weeks ago, but not so easy to implement in my own goal-setting; specific, measurable, and time-stamped - let's see if I can do that here. Finally, I get the feeling that there will be plenty of accountability through writing these down - maybe more than I bargain for.

A New Direction Counseling website and newsletter make-over. That's right, it's time to update and revamp the website and newsletter. I'm not sure what it will look like for sure - I've got a bunch of ideas dancing around - but it's going to be different. If not by the end of March 2011, then I expect some loud and obvious 'accountability' directed my way.

More opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" in the new site. I had quite a bit of fun creating the Food and Your Mental Health audios. I've got quite a few ideas to offer assistance when it comes to your mental health and wellness, and that of your family, short of coming in to my office. I think 2011 is the year to share more of those ideas. So, by the close of 2011, expect at least two new opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" available on the website. I'm not sure if that will come in the form of audio, video, or printed material, but it will be something - two somethings - by the end of the year.

Let me ask you, what are some topics or ideas you would like to see covered in a "Take Home Therapy" section outside of this newsletter? What do you think would benefit our communities? Feel free to email or comment with your ideas.

A book. Maybe two. From inside my head, to a bound collection of paper - or something more electronic in its representation, like an E-book. I've been putting this off for too long, and now 2011 is the year I will do it. It may be as simple as a collection of articles from over the years, things I have printed here or not. Then again, it could be original work along the lines of the Family Plan idea I've been sketching out - it could be both. Either way, you will see 1-2 books / e-books from me in 2011. If they are not in your hand within 370 days - I would appreciate a large amount of accountability.

Finally, one more half-marathon. May 2011. I'm already registered, now I only need to get to the starting line then to the finish line with a few miles in between. This time around, I hope to maintain my streak of beating my training partner - which should be too hard, as I would assume he is reading this article with a donut in one hand, and the tv remote in the other hand. This time around, I'd like to train consistently enough to beat my previous outings by at least a few minutes. It's been three years since I wasn't even able to run for one sustained minute. To celebrate, I'd like to beat my old time by 3-minutes. That's as simple as following the training schedule that starts in January. I'm going to need some accountability and discipline for that.

Four BIG goals - two by the end of the year; two in the first half of the year. I can do it. It's going to be a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

What about you?

What are your BIG goals for next year? Have you started planning yet? Have you written them down and thought about how to hold yourself accountable? Who will help you with your accountability?

Enjoy the rest of 2010. Make a great new year.

5 Tips for a Happy and Healthy Holiday

Many of us are wrapping up our holiday preparations – or anxious pressing full-steam-ahead to complete them. This is a time of year characterized by time with family, time away from work, and a celebration of family traditions and our spiritual life.

It is also a time of year characterized by stress and some unhealthy behaviors. Here are a few suggestions to prevent the stress from getting to you, and to help insure you have a Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays.

- Indulge often, but in moderation. You know this is the time of year when we have some of those special treats that are only brought out for the holidays – cookies and desserts we remember from childhood, traditional family meals, all those things that make the holidays special. Enjoy them – treat yourself – a little bit. Trying to avoid all of those goodies will only make you grumpy and difficult to be around; eating them with reckless abandon will make you feel guilty and bloated; but finding the right bit of moderation to sample is the key to enjoying holiday food.
- Embrace the pace. Whether you have a whirlwind of travel plans to visit every family member in one day, or a relaxed day at home, know what the day holds, and prepare for it. Whatever your traditions for the holidays, whatever your plans; prepare for them, embrace them, and enjoy.
- Spend wisely. You may have read this previously, but it bears repeating – there is no more sure-fire way to cause yourself undue holiday stress, than to spend too much or to leverage your credit cards for holiday gifts. Spend smart, and go in to 2011 with a solid financial plan.
- Enjoy family traditions – or start some new ones. Traditions help to keep us grounded and connected to our past, and to important relationships – starting new traditions builds new connections with family and friends.
- Have realistic expectations – there are few, if any, times in life where everything is “perfect”, yet we still have at tendency to aim for it – which can often be one of the greatest stressors we put ourselves through during the holidays. Rather than trying to make everyone happy with the “perfect” gift and a “perfect” gathering; set goals for what is “good enough” for you and your family.

Enjoy! Maybe that should be the easiest and most obvious tip. Whatever you do, whomever you are with, where ever you are – have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

How to Design a Successful New Year's Resolution

2010 is coming to a close – there’s still quite a few days left to be enjoyed in the year, and I hope you are making plans to have a wonderful close to 2010. It is usually this time of year when we start talking about “resolutions” for next year . OK, so most of us don’t start
thinking about these resolutions for a few more weeks, but if you want them to be successful, I’m here to encourage you to start thinking about your goals now, versus on December 31st.

What factors help to make a goal successful? Or, a better question may be, how can you insure that you will be successful in YOUR goals in 2011?

Your goal should be specific and measureable. If you want to lose weight or become healthier, it is helpful to define what that means in specific and measureable terms. How much weight do you want to lose? What, specifically, does it mean to be “healthier” – less fast food, more veggies, a combination of both? If you want to put yourself in a better financial situation, how do you plan to do that? Will you save more? How much? Will you spend less? How much less? The first step in setting a goal and working towards success is to make that goal specific and measureable.

The next biggest factor in insuring your goal is successful is to put an expiration date on it – time stamp it – put it on the calendar. By adding a sense of time and urgency, you encourage yourself to break down the goal into bite-sized chunks over smaller periods of time. If you want to lose 20 pounds, when do you want to lose it by; March? June? Next year? 20 pounds in two months is an average of 2.5 pounds per week; extending that goal out 6 months makes it even easier. But the bottom line is setting a time limit helps you to make a more realistic weekly break-down. This works just as easily for financial goals – whether saving or paying down debt – by setting a measureable goal with a time-stamp, you can break it down into smaller, manageable chunks.

Finally, one key factor in achieving your goals is to build in accountability. You can be accountable to yourself by writing the goal down and reviewing your progress every week – you can also incorporate a variety of tools – there are tons online and just as many you can put on your phone for weight-loss, exercise, calorie counting, financial saving, etc. Sometimes, adding accountability is as simple as asking a trusted friend or companion to hold you accountable to your goal, or to work with you on the same goal.

Have a great holiday season, Merry Christmas, and good luck in the new year.

Are You the World's Worst Boss?

Complain about your boss all you want, you might be an even worse boss. In fact, you might be The World’s Worst Boss. At least that was the message in a recent article I read by Seth Godin. You can read the full article here: http://bit.ly/dTb78J . In it, he shares a variety of reasons why you might be the world’s worst boss – I really encourage you to read the whole thing, as I’m going to focus only on two words he wrote in the article, the idea of “managing yourself”.

As the article says, there are quite a few books available on the science and business of managing others, not so many on managing yourself. Even with that, managing others is a tough task – ask anyone who has to do it on a daily basis.

But what about the idea of managing yourself? There aren’t as many books out there on that topic, if there are any at all. We seem to live in a time when managing yourself is a necessary life-skill, but NOT managing yourself is the standard.

What would it look like if you were a better manager of yourself?
Managers have the responsibility of appropriately managing a variety of resources. How do you manage your resources?

How do you manage your time? Are you overworking yourself, or not using time effectively?

What about your finances – do you have enough coming in, or too much going out?
How do you manage the “natural resources” you have, like food?

Are you effectively managing your “culture”, your social connections?

Are you a good boss? How would you assess your performance and how you manage your self?