"Life is Too Short Not to Do Something That Matters" & 13 other things I gathered from the Gaping Void

I’ve got a terrible habit.

When I’m not busy being a therapist, dad, husband, Sherpa, runner, coach, or superhero; I have a terrible reading habit. I contracted it at an early age. I tried to shake it, but I couldn’t. I read a lot. Science fiction, self-help, psychology, business, cereal boxes, inspiration, motivation, comic books - you name it and I will read it.

It’s been a great few weeks for me and my habit. Two of my favorite motivational-inspirational- business authors released new books – it’s almost like they were conspiring to do it just for me! I thought I would share some of the insight I have gathered from Hugh Macleod – artist/cartoonist/advocate for creativity at www.GapingVoid.com , and author of the new book Evil Plans. Hugh has an interesting perspective on life and business – one that I think can benefit you in a lot of ways. He’s deeply philosophical, somewhat “Eastern” while still being “Western”, and he truly believe we were all designed to go out and truly DO something with our lives. Here are a few of his ideas that resonate with me:

This is it. Fight like hell. You get one shot at this life – no matter what your spiritual beliefs, you are only given a finite amount of years on this earth to do what you are going to do. Shouldn’t you work like mad, or “fight like hell”, to make it a life worth living? If you are not there yet, what are you going to do about it?

You are responsible for your own experience. It is often far too easy to relinquish responsibility for our lives to someone else – spouse, parent, boss, government, etc. But in the end, YOU are responsible for how much joy and how much pain you experience, as well as everything in between. What will you do with that responsibility?

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Somehow, we give up that creativity later in life, in exchange for a firm set of directives and directions on how to think, how to act, what to wear, and what to do. But what if you had that box of crayons back – what would you create? Would you draw a new career? Would you color out of the lines? Would you draw a book? What could you do with a new sense of creativity – even better, what would you do with the creativity you gave up after kindergarten?

Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb. We can seek guidance, find a Sherpa, and help each other along the way; but in the end, it is up to the individual to choose to scale that mountain, or to stay at base camp, wondering what the summit looks like. It’s hard to always know what part of their journey another traveler is on, so be kind and help them if you can.

If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you. Plan for it – know that whatever you are going to do, it takes effort, energy, sacrifice, stress and sometimes pain. If you plan for it, if you know it is coming, it’s not as bad, and what you accomplish is usually far worth it. When it comes to training to run a half marathon, there are a lot of long and lonely weekend runs – I had a friend this weekend remind me, “start thinking about it now, and the pain is more manageable when you do it”. He was right.

Never compare your inside with somebody else’s outside. Our society tends to put a big emphasis on “stuff”. Whoever has the most stuff, the best stuff, and the costliest stuff is considered to be worthy of esteem and praise. We may often become trapped in believing that we will only be worth you esteem and praise if we have equal, or greater, amounts of stuff. Where do you fall in to the “stuff” trap?

The world is changing. Lately, you can’t NOT hear or see how the world is changing. We shrank the world in the past decade with the internet and digital technology – now what? Nobody is certain, but we know it will continue to change – where will you be in that change? Will you embrace it? Will you fight against it? Will you be active or passive in it?

Nobody cares. Do it for yourself. You don’t need everyone else’s permission or esteem to do or be something great. All you have to do is want it and be ready to work for it. Don’t wait for someone else to “let” you be great, go be great.

Choosing an easy life rarely ends up with much of either. I have been there and lived that – I have taken the easy way out, and found it to be more difficult and a complete drain on my life. Hard work pays off, and rewards us with a life worth living. Are you taking the easy way through life, or working hard to live it to its fullest?

The secret sauce is – there’s no secret sauce. I wrote about this a few weeks ago on my "other" website, as I was inspired by Po, of Kung Fu Panda legend. We spend quite a bit of time looking for that “secret ingredient” to get us motivated, to help us feel confident, or to guarantee success before we start to do whatever it is we are going to do. The secret is, there is no secret – go do it, stop waiting to find the secret sauce.

The world will ALWAYS conspire to make you less than you are…so decide what you are going to do about it, then act. No matter what you want to do in life, there will always be opposing forces that try to keep you from it. To succeed, take responsibility, formulate your plan, and execute it. If you fail, get up and do it again, but try something a little different. There is plenty of help available if you want it, but, in the end you must act.

That’s why we’re here – to make a DENT in the universe. Just one more answer to the question, “what is the meaning of life”. Are you searching for meaning? Start making dents in the universe, and see how that meaning becomes more apparent.

Everybody needs an evil plan. If you stop by my office, you will see this one prominently displayed. I like this idea, I believe in this idea, I live this idea. We all need to have an “Evil Plan” – a plan to break free of whatever keeps us stuck, a plan to become “better” than we are, a plan to do something that makes a difference. This “Evil Plan” can be within our current situation or career, or above and beyond it. Whatever it is, start planning for it – you don’t have much time. Life is too short NOT to do something that matters.

It’s fairly obvious I really appreciate Hugh’s Western-but-still-Eastern philosophy thing he has going on. He has some brilliant things to say about getting motivated and achieving in life. Did any of these resonate with you? Is there one you will take with you and implement?

To find out more about Hugh, take a look at his website, or pick up one of his books Ignore Everybody or last month’s release Evil Plans.

How Are Your Goals Coming Along?

Can you believe we have already careened through two months of the year? Hopefully that means all the snow most of us have been dealing with will be disappearing soon.


Around here, and for a quite a few people I know, it’s the beginning of half-marathon training season – I just wrapped up my first week for the Pittsburgh Half, and a lot of people I know are well in to their training program for the famed Indianapolis Mini-Marathon. It’s a good time of the year to step back to assess how all those New Year’s Resolutions are moving forward, or how they have stalled.

I shared a few of my goals with you at the beginning of the year, so I will take you through a quick look at where they are – maybe through my process, you will take a look at your old goals, or set some new ones.

Running – check. I did “some” leading up to the start of this training program, but didn’t take it too seriously. Now comes the serious time – especially with the added accountability of a little side-bet to finish under our old times.

Having a group to train with definitely helps accountability. On those rotten mornings when I don’t want to get up to run, or after weeks and weeks of running on the treadmill in the basement, it’s helpful to commiserate with other people who are going through the same thing. It’s also helpful to hear one person say “I got my miles in today!”, when I am debating making up an injury to avoid running.

Accountability to yourself and to others is HUGE in succeeding in any goal.

Healthy eating / weight loss – so when my running goals are going well, somewhere in my brain a switch is flipped that says, “yeah, you can have that 5th piece of pizza…”. That needs to stop, as the “Holiday pounds” meld into a layer of “Spring warmth”. Now, I know that this training regiment will help with that, but if my unhealthy eating habits don’t change, I will be negating the benefits I could be gaining.

Being mindful of our thoughts and behaviors – those impulses that trigger unhealthy activity – is another key in succeeding in your goals. The first step is to become aware of those negative or unhealthy thoughts that tell you, “it’s ok to give up”, or “you didn’t really want to anyway”. By recognizing them, you can confront them and change them. Maybe just reading this article will give you pause to pay attention to those thoughts – if not, try keeping a notebook of the self-defeating thoughts you have throughout a few days, review them, and change them.

Spending more time with my wife and girls – not perfect, but not bad. I’ve worked hard to try to get out of work a little earlier a few times each week; and rather than coming home to read the mail or watch the news, I have made a conscious effort to take an hour or a half hour to do something active with my girls – we’ve played a lot of Uno, went sledding a few times, tried to fly a kite during those 20-30 minutes of not having any snow, build some lego castles, we’ll be changing the oil in the family cars tonight – I think they’re pretty excited for that one.

I certainly haven’t been perfect in this endeavor. I’ve had to come home late a few times, after they were in bed. I’ve taken a few weekends to go visit friends and left the kids with grandma and grandpa. But that really is the bottom line, isn’t it? You don’t have to be perfect with your goals, but you have to keep trying. Keep getting better at whatever your goal is, but don’t expect to be perfect – “perfect is the enemy of the good”.

Finally, I have gained far more ground on the book goal than I thought possible. I really thought it was going to be a 6-month process, but if you follow A New Direction Counseling on Facebook, or on @Think_Change on Twitter, you’ve heard that I wrapped up the rough draft a few days ago, and I am actively editing and re-writing before I send it off the my other editors. I endured two months of 5am mornings to get it done – and the insanely funny thing about that, I grew to like those mornings and still get up that early! Funny how striving for goals will sometimes change other behaviors or attitudes, isn’t it?

So what about you? Where are you in the goals you set at the beginning of the year? Take some time to reflect:

Have you help yourself accountable, or asked others to? (Thanks guys)

Have you been more mindful of your thoughts and behaviors that relate to your goals? Even if you haven’t achieved your goal yet, sometimes just becoming aware of your thoughts and attitudes is a huge accomplishment.

Have you found your margin for error between “perfect” and “I quit”? Have you found that equilibrium in allowing yourself to be a fallible human being in the process of achieving your goals?

Finally, have you found new benefits that you didn’t expect when working towards those goals?

Change Your Priorities - Change Your Life

I have to ask myself this too often lately, as it seems to be easy for me to forget. I tend to get bogged down with “work” and striving to “get things done” and find that I might be missing out on “life”.


I had an opportunity jump up and kick me Chuck Norris-style the other day. I needed to be kicked that hard to wake up and start paying attention more to “life” than “work” – have you been there before?

I had my day all planned – I got up at 5am to work, I planned to work through lunch, then I had some work to do in the afternoon, followed by a quick drive home to do some more work. It wasn’t much different than other days.

But something was trying to interrupt that beautiful plan for perfect productivity.

My daughter came to me and asked if I was planning to come to her “awards ceremony” – she was receiving a paper certificate for being an “Outstanding Reader” with what seemed to be 5,000 other kids. The plan for the ceremony was for mobs 50-100 of kids to run up to their teacher or principal to receive their certificate, and then sprint back to their seat in the gymnasium bleachers, it wasn’t really what I thought of as an “awards ceremony”. To her, it was the most important thing that was going to happen before her high school graduation.

I wrestled with the idea of going or not going for quite a while. I saw quite a few tears, some lip quivers, and some VERY angry eyebrows from my wife. However, my drive for a perfectly productive work day was preventing me from caring very much. Eventually, I made up my mind to go, “but only for a little while”.

I went, it was as I expected, mobs of kids running back and forth to grab paper awards, while teachers tried to shush them and parent snapped off pictures. Of course, I had my camera and ran down to take a few snap shots. I’m fairly certain my daughter smiled wider than she had at any Christmas or Birthday gift she had every received. It really was the most important thing in her mind for that day, week, and month. Simply by showing up, I made her feel special, and let her know how important she is in my life – more important than work.

Too often, I get confused and forget that I work so that I can enjoy life with my family. Sometimes, my priorities get mixed up, and I find myself seeing family and friends as an interruption to my work – how sad and embarrassing.

Fortunately, I have “silly” little events like awards ceremonies, selling girl scout cookies, coaching soccer, and trips to the aquarium that remind me that be a part of their lives is more important that putting together a perfectly productive day. I am reminded that phone calls from friends, couples nights, weekend camping trips with the guys, or sending a supportive email to an old buddy is more important than trying to squeeze another dollar out of the day.

I am fortunate to have friends and family in my life to remind me to LIVE life, not work through it. So to them, I say “THANKS”, and yes, I will be there for that camping trip – all of them. But only after I take the girls out to sell cookies. I will work enough to be able to support and be a part of the lives of my friends and family; not so much that I forget how important they are.

So what about you?

Is there a part of life you are missing out on that you once thought was a priority?

Is there an email you haven’t sent?

A phone call you haven’t made?

A trip to visit friends that you have been “too busy” to do?

Sometimes we need “silly” little events to remind us of life’s priorities. Maybe this email is just silly enough to push you in that direction.

My daughter is watching cartoons by herself while I type this – it’s time to adjust my priorities.

Make it a priority to have a great week.

5 Valentine's Day Ideas That Last All Year

I hope you have already made plans for dinner, flowers, chocolate, or nice gift before this article comes out. If not, there is nothing I can do here to save you. These tips might help, but I can’t guarantee it. You can use them today, and throughout the year to keep your relationship running smooth. But if you haven’t already planned something a little extra for today, you might want to consider something bigger than a box of chocolates – maybe a relationship coach or marital therapist.


Here are 5 quick and easy tips to make your ‘sweetie’ smile today, and keep her or him happy throughout the year.

- Listen. Not just with your ears, but with all of you – your eyes, your body, your mind. That means making eye contact and looking at the person speaking to you – which is not quite possible with the tv on. It also means acknowledging that you are hearing the person – not interrupting, but nodding or acknowledging in some way. When you listen with your mind, it means you are paying attention, whole-heartedly, to what the other person is say. Too often, we have a tendency to be thinking about what we are going to say next, and miss the meaning of what we should be hearing.

- Speak – offer kind words or words of encouragement. Let your significant other know you care – this also works well with children, too. You can set a goal starting today to say at least one kind thing, or make one compliment each day for one month.’

- Spend quality time together – hopefully, spring is near. Even if it is not, there are plenty of things you can do to spend quality time together with your Valentine or with your children. During the cold months, indoor activities like movie night, and game time are great to spend time together. As it warms up, get out and go for a walk, a hike, or a bike ride.

- Gifts – gifts are always nice – chocolates, flowers, toys, etc - but they don’t always have to be something you pick up at the local store. Gifts, meaningful gifts, come in all forms – time spent can be a wonderful gift; engaging in an activity of the other persons choice can be more meaningful that a trinket, or making something by hand – yes, Guys, even we can do that- might be more valuable and lasting than anything you can find at Walmart.

- Commit an act of service, on purpose – take the kids out for the day and give her time to herself; take the car in to have the oil changed so he doesn’t have to do it; finish that project that has been sitting around for weeks; make the coffee; clean the bathroom; wash the car; do the laundry. The list goes on – I’m guessing you don’t have to look very hard. The important thing is to do them often – little acts of service are great opportunities to tell your ‘sweetie’ “I love you”.



There you have it – 5 very easy, very doable ways to tell your special someone you care – if you didn’t already pick up something special for Valentine’s Day, maybe pour on all of these, all at once. But even after today, pick one each week and give it a try.

I’m going to go do the dishes now…

How Do You Deal With "The Unexpected"?

Dirty, rotten, low-down, stinking, horrible, terrible, nasty week!! That’s how it’s been around here, how about you?


We were going to attempt to take a break – a working break – in Florida. I had a conference to attend, so we planned a few extra days to rest and relax in the sun. We had an early flight, so we were going to overnight near the airport.

It never happened.

As we got to the airport the night before, I found our flight was cancelled due to the weather. We had made it 2/3 of the way to the airport, only to find out that we wouldn’t be starting our journey in the morning. I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what to do – the next available flight was in 2 days – TWO DAYS – that would effectively erase any of the ‘vacation time’ we had planned before the grueling conference schedule.

But at least we would be in Florida. We would have the sun to enjoy, and we would be out of the snow.

The next morning, as we began to plan for the redefined trip, I received a call that the entire conference was cancelled due to the weather – there was no reason to go to Florida… We weren’t going to be basking in the sun any time soon.

So I started to chip away at the sheet of ice that held our vehicle motionless. I only fell twice, and only slid hard enough to hurt 4-5 times. In trying to opening the tailgate, I took the handle right off the vehicle… We finally slid home 4-5 hours after beginning the normal two hour journey.

The week, didn’t get any better from there, but I won’t bore you with the details, the important question is this – how do you deal with these kinds of weeks?

Let’s face it, we have all had these kinds of weeks – many of us had a rough week last week with the weather across the country – unexpected things pop up in life - how do you cope with it?

- When the store ran out of drive-way salt – did you complain and yell at the cashier, or solve the problem by picking up some water softener salt?

- When the kids were given a few hours, or the entire day off school – did you curse the fact that you needed to change your schedule, or did you find a way to spend some time, maybe even enjoy time, with your family?

- When your travel plans are frozen in “at least and 1-2 inches of ice and up to 12 inches of snow” do you throw the remote at the meteorologist on tv (I thought about it), or do you find a way to reinvest the money you just saved by not traveling?

- When your week is turned upside down – do you withdraw into your shell, or embrace the unexpected and see what it holds for you?

The Unexpected happens quite often, and not just in the winter – how you cope with it can define you as a person, and define your life.

Anger, frustration, resentment, withdrawal, more anger – all natural first impulses when The Unexpected crosses your path (you should’ve heard the first few minutes of finding out our flight was cancelled!), but it’s the dominant thoughts, the ones that come after the impulse and impact how you behave – those are the thoughts you have the most control over, and that are “you”.

So I encourage you to look at how you are handling The Unexpected of this winter, and in your life – if you look at your behavior and attitude and find yourself wanting, change it – you may not be able to change the first impulse, but you can change what comes after.

Why it's Good to be a Steelers Fan

There’s a bit of a brouhaha cooking up out there this week – especially in north Texas. For those of you who may not know, the Super Bowl is being held this coming Sunday. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be playing for their world record 7th Super Bowl Championship against the Green Bay Packers – they only have 3 Super Bowl wins.


Those of you who know me know I am “a bit” of a Steelers fan. Unfortunately, most of the people I know who are still interested in the game - that is they are not still crying over the Chicago Bears or Indianapolis Colts - the other people I know are Green Bay Packers fans.

You can guess the “good natured” verbal sparring, fact citing, and “my team is better than your team” barrages have gotten, maybe, a little out of control. With another week to go before the game, I am looking forward to it getting a little more rancorous.

But here’s the really cool part – It’s GOOD for us! That’s right, being a fan, a groupie, a devotee, a ‘nerd’ to your favorite movie – it’s actually healthy for us.

Here is what I found about fandom in a recent Psychology Today article:

Whether you are a fan of a sports team, music, or movies – being a fan grants the ability for a temporary, positive, and healthy escape. We all need to escape the rigors an stress of daily life from time to time, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to escape – music, movies, and sport provide a healthy escape, as long as it is not taken to an extreme.

For sports fans, fandom can elevate that feeling of escape into euphoria. A recent study completed at Indiana University reports that when we watch someone perform an action, “mirror neurons” are triggered in our brain – in our mind, if we are watching someone catch the game-winning interception, our brain tricks us into feeling like it is really us doing it. The greater the observer’s personal investment in the action they are watching, the greater fan you are, the more intensely your feel when the interception is caught, or the home run is hit, or the goal is scored.

The study goes on to state that the end result is “a vicarious sense of success” – you get to feel as gifted, talented, invincible, and well paid as the athlete you are watching. All that for the cost of admission – or just sitting in front of the tv watching.

A University of Utah study found that die-hard fans experience the same hormonal surges athletes do. “They become more optimistic about their own life when “their” team wins – and gloomy when ‘their’ team loses. Sorry Packers fans, but February is looking mighty gloomy for you…

Sports fandom taps in to our strong caveman need to be part of a group – sports fans who faithfully follow a local team experience increased social connection – an important component for overall mental-emotional health. It is even believed the “crazier” the fan’s displays for his or her team, the greater the status within the group.

So there it is – being a rabid fan for the soon to be Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers – being a crazy, loud, boisterous fan is good for you – as long as you do don’t let it get out of control.

Packers fans, good luck. But after the game, when you are confronted with those deep feelings of sadness and despair, I know a good therapist you can call.

5 Ways to Help Your Child in a Techno-Crazy World

I had one heck of a wake-up call this week. Hopefully you are more up-to-date with all this stuff than I am, especially if you have older children. If not, I hope this helps.




I remember a time when I used to think I was pretty knowledgeable about pop-culture and technology. I was hip. Yeah, back when hip meant cool and wasn't something that ached when I ran. I knew about technology when there was only one video-game platform and it allowed you to play against the guy sitting next to you, not the guys sitting in Australia.



Technology has made the world smaller and faster. We can now connect with others around the world and learn the answers to questions in an instant from anywhere at any time. This is certainly a great and wonderful thing.



Except, when it is not.



We've all heard the stories of kids who meet "the wrong people" through social networks; or ran up a $7,000 texting bill, or the child who spends more time playing video games than sleeping, eating, or studying combined.



There are a few very simple parenting basics that apply to this area of life for you and your family. Here are some tips to help your child navigate our techno-crazy world in a healthy way, and maybe help you learn something in the process.



Know what your children are doing online.



I thought I knew what "social media" was - twitter, linked in, facebook - those kinds of things I use every week either personally or professionally. As a "narrow-minded adult", I thought that was the whole of social media - boy was I wrong! There are social networks a-plenty out there! All of which you can access through your computer, laptop, or tablet, and most of which can be accessed through a phone.



Know which ones your child or teen is on. Know what they are doing on them. Know what kind of pictures of themselves they put on these sits. Know who they talk to and why they talk to them. Be a part of your child's online life - be there friend on Facebook, but be there parent in the real world. That means asking your child to be a part of their social networking world, or seeing what they do in these networks.



Set limits.



Setting limits comes right after you know what your child is doing - setting limits is the difficult part for a lot of parents, because we may be too interested in being our child's friend both on Facebook and off. Adolescence is a normally stage of development where children will test limits and push boundaries; it is a loving act to respectfully and responsibly set limits for your child.



This may come in the form of limiting time playing video games, limiting internet time, limiting texts, etc. If your child is spending excessive amounts of time in any of these areas, they are likely to be missing out in other areas. Current research indicates is mixed as too how much teens are texting - but all research agrees, it's quite a bit, somewhere in the 100-200 / day range. If your child is engaging in that much texting, or playing video games for 4-8 hours every night, what areas of life are they missing out on? Setting limits, and explaining why, is the loving thing to do.



Share the cost of technology.



What a precious gift - the ability to understand the nature of work, money, and the true cost of goods. There is nothing wrong with asking your child to pitch in for that new phone they want - owning and using a cell phone is a privilege (a very convenient one for parents, true) not a birthright. Owning the latest and greatest Iphone or Droid is one heck of a privilege, one that can be used as a teaching privilege. The same rings true for any purchase, your child would like to make. Encouraging them to work hard - either at a real job, or around the house - to earn all or part of that purchase introduces them to "the real world", where we all have to work to acquire what we need or want.



Teach them to type.



This can be a direct idea - especially for younger kids - or more of a philosophy in general.



For younger children, there are tons of opportunities for them to learn how to type - you can access a variety of fun and education learn-to-type tools on the internet, allow your child to work on them little-by-little every few days, and they will have it down. It is become increasingly obvious that children are going to need this ability earlier than we ever did.



I remember asking my mom to type my first "research paper" back in 5th grade - I was amazed at her skill on the "typewriter" - that old thing with the keys, arms, and ink. I took my first "keyboarding class" late in college, it helped considerably after several painstaking years typing by 'hunt and peck. My children are already being asked to do research and type papers far earlier than I ever did. They are going to need this skill - help your young children learn it. They are already interested in what you are doing on that machine, let them have their time on it and benefit from it.



The more "philosophical" idea is to teach your children and teens the "right" way to use their technology. This happens through the conversations you have with them about your expectations for their use of tech, as well as the role-modeling you do.



This philosophical also applies to teaching them the appropriate use of social media and your expectations as a parent. I often coach kids and families that social media is a great place to connect, but not always the best place to vent frustrations (or vulgarities) about friends, family, or coworkers. It's amazing how long that stuff lasts.



Spy on your kids.



Sort of. I don't mean this in a James Bond 007 kind of way, but in the way that your child knows that you are always lovingly keeping your eye on them. Check your computer, and phone, and their phone to make sure they are doing what they say they are doing. Have conversations with them about your expectations and check to make sure that they are living within those expectations and guidelines in the real world, and in the world of technology.



It used to be enough for a parent to check their teens dresser drawer for items that were considered "family contraband". Today, there are a lot more places than a dresser drawer, and a lot more things a family might consider "contraband".