Independence Day Every Day

Barbeques, fireworks, back-yard bashes, friends and family – today we celebrate the gift our forefathers gave us with their blood, sweat, and hard work.


Because of their bravery, struggles, and sacrifice, we have been blessed with the ideal of equality, and that we have be endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

And because of the hard work and dedication of the men and women of our Armed Forces, we are afforded the opportunity to exercise these rights, responsibilities, and freedoms every day.

How do you exercise your independence every day? Do you allow yourself the freedom to make the choices, or are you taxed by your own history, or past poor decisions?

Do you live your life according to an understanding of your self, and who you are; or are you burdened by the circumstances of your past, your childhood, or your family?

Are you living an active and healthy lifestyle, or are you taxed by excess weight and unhealthy eating habits?

Do you enjoy the freedom and blessing of a rewarding and enjoyable career, or are you bogged down with “having to go work” and stressed with the idea of returning to work for The Boss after every holiday?

Are you free to feel, act, and think in healthy and creative ways, or are you taxed by depression, anxiety, stress, or over-medication?

The list could go on; but it is up to you to consider. Do you enjoy the blessings our forefathers fought to bestow upon us in every way you can, or are there areas that you could improve? Just as the Patriots of the American Revolution fought to improve their lives and their situations, it is up to you today do to the same thing.

America, We have a Problem

…And by the looks of it, it is out of control. Sadly, this graphic is not a surprise to me. I see the repercussions of this situation all too often. It is a huge frustration, and a constant source of extra work I have to do in my office before I am able to truly help someone.

Let me tell you a little bit about what this chart represents, and why it’s a problem.  Take a closer look here, as you might not catch all the details.

As you can see at the top, in the year this data represents, 2009; “doctors wrote more psychiatric prescriptions than there are people in this country.” Apparently, we all need a pill to set our minds right.

On the lower left, you will notice that $4.5 billion was spent on pharmaceutical advertising in 2009. $4.5 BILLION!!! Why do you think that is? It is estimated that the alcohol industry ‘only’ spends an estimated $750 million each year. If these drugs are meant to be selected and offered only in very specific situations, why should they be marketed so heavily? SO YOU WILL BUY THEM.

If you look to the right of the chart, you see the list of what these substances are meant to treat – EACH ONE of those diagnoses have been found through empirical scientific research to respond best with a COMBINATION of medication and some form of talk therapy (except fibromyalgia, which has pain management therapy), but how many of the people receiving these prescriptions receive a referral for the help they require to get better?

In fact, anxiety, depression, “panic”, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD can reach a point of improvement through psychotherapy, within a relatively short amount of time; less than 1 year in most cases, that medication CAN BE DISCONTINUED. Yet, all too often patients are kept on medication far past a year, long after the positive effects have lost their strength.

The facts that really drive me up the wall, the ideas that really just push my buttons and just tick me off: the three substances used for “A” and “P” – anxiety and panic. If you are being treated for these diagnoses, or know somebody who is, please take a moment to read my rant on it.

Anxiety and panic disorder medications – Xanax, Ativan, and Valium are CONTRA-INDICATED for the treatment of anxiety and panic disorders. That means they have been proven NOT to work time and time again. So much so, that not only can you find it in medical, psychiatric, and psychological journals, but in undergraduate level textbooks – the one form of documentation slowest to change! All the research and teaching states that these medications DO NOT WORK to treat anxiety and panic, so why are they two out of the top three mediations prescribed nationally?!

Panic and anxiety are best treated using a variety of thought changing techniques to alter patterns of behavior and the client’s anxious/panic reactions. Have you ever tried one of these substances? For most people, it is difficult to HAVE a thought while under the influence of these, much less work on changing thoughts. These substances act by numbing the entire central nervous system, brain to spinal cord, often freeing the patient from anxiety by making them unconscious, or so sleepy they can’t think straight. This is not a “treatment”, it is knocking the person out so that they don’t worry.

Just like any substance we use over extended periods of time, our body builds up a tolerance to these substances. The effectiveness at the begin doseage wears off, so that the patient needs more to have the same effect. Over years, this becomes extremely dangerous, and has the potential to turn in to addiction.

There are so many “other” and “better” opportunities to help these situations, we don’t have to be a nation of drug users.

If you are receiving medication for any of the concerns listed on this chart, make sure you are talking to your doctor about when to get off the medication – none of these should be a life-sentence. Better yet, if you or anyone you know is taking these meds, talk about the idea of getting help outside of the pill.

Are You Striving or Status Quo?

We can get pretty caught up in our classification of each other from time to time – race, culture, age, gender, occupation, cheese pizza or supreme.


On any given day, I can lump all of humanity into just two catergories:

The Strivers and The Status Quo.

The Status Quo can typically be found on the couch, playing video games, complaining about work while not doing anything to improve it. They have a vast collection of movies, DVR’d shows, Netflix channels, and satellite tv stations, all existing on one gargantuan media center (“television”).

Strivers are characterized by constantly moving about from project to project, idea to idea, and having far more goals than they can achieve. They can be overheard loudly talking about their last great adventure, business venture, or night out, or they are planning their next one. They are often defined as “ADHD” or “Type A”.

The funny thing is, we are all BOTH Strivers and Status Quo. I guess I am wrong to characterize these as categories – not very therapist-like of me – they are more like two ends of a spectrum:

Striving……………………..Middle…………………………Status Quo

As I think about it, we all seem to fluctuate back and forth on. Just like any spectrum, going too far to one extreme and staying there for too long can be dangerous or unhealthy. Never moving from a particular spot on the spectrum can boring for you, and tiring some for those around you.

So where are you on that spectrum? Where are you today, where are you this year, and where do you WANT to be on it?

What are you going to do about it?

Me, I love striving. I’m a big fan of getting out there and DOING something with my family, my health, and my career. Racing, hiking, writing, DOING things. New things, different things, setting goals and moving forward. But I sure do enjoy falling into the couch to play a good round of mindless video games for an hour or two (3….maybe 4… hopefully never more than 4….). And I have NO PROBLEMS hanging up the hammock and disappearing into it for a few hours, if I’m allowed to.

I am, by no means, perfectly balanced in this spectrum. I find myself going to far to either end from time to time, and it takes a bit of encourage to find my way back. The important thing is to find your way back. To set some goals, but allow time to relax.

How do you manage this see-saw?

If you need help Striving, check out the works of Seth Godin and Hugh MacLeod, two of my favorites over the past few years.

If you need help relaxing with the Status Quo, there is no better teacher than “The Dude”, the anti-hero from The Big Lebowski who sparked an entire ‘religion’ around relaxing.

Where ever you find yourself on the spectrum on any given day, I hope it suits you. If it doesn’t, do something to change it. If you can’t do something about it, talk to somebody who can help you do something about it.

How Do You Feel Love?

Several weeks ago, The Terminator inspired a few articles on preserving, protecting, and improving your marriage. This week, I wanted to share with you one final resource in that work. This book and Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work that I wrote about last week sit side-by-side in my office, as they go together very well to prevent marriage difficulties, or to help solve them when they arise.


Gary Chapman has written several helpful books for couples, families, and parents based on the same principle, The Five Love Languages. These are EXTREMELY helpful books to take a look at before marriage, during the good times or rough times of marriage, and when it comes to raising children.

I will share with you the basic premises of the book, but I encourage you to pick up a copy and keep it on hand as a reference throughout your family life.

The basic premise is that we all have a “love bank” or bucket that our spouses or family members either deposit into or make withdrawals from. Making frequent deposits results in an abundant, happy, and healthy family life and marriage; too many withdrawals and your account will be overdrawn.

The trick from Chapman’s point of view is that we all experience and express love in different ways based upon our family of origin, what we were taught about love, our personal preferences, and a host of other variables. If we express love in a way that is different from the way our spouse feels love, then we have a disconnect – even though you might be trying your hardest to express your love, your spouse might not feel it, because they experience love in a “different language”.

The goal then is to understand what language both you and your spouse (or children) feel and experience love, and how to step outside what may be your normal expression of love to meet their needs.

Fortunately, the Chapman books break this down into FIVE easy to understand ‘love languages’, and provide a few different inventories to see which language is yours.

His five love languages are:

- Words of Affirmation – giving and receiving words of kindness and encouragement

- Quality Time – not just spending time together, but being fully present

- Receiving Gifts – as simple as it sounds, but hard to get right

- Acts of Service helping out, finishing the ‘honey-do’ list, making the coffee

- Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, high-fives, intimacy

Looking at these written here, they appear very basic, almost simple to do. But it’s not always that easy. It takes hard work and insight for us to understand our significant others primary love language, and then a committed effort to act in that manner to express our affection.

If you can identify your primary love language, and your spouses, you are half way there. But it takes time and perseverance to learn how to express your love in a way they will feel it most. Keep at it. If you need a little help, I highly recommend taking a look at the book, and reviewing it as much as possible.

7 Principles for Making Marriage Work - A Review

Can you believe it only takes seven steps?


This is not my title, not my idea, but that of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They have been researching couples, their communication, and relationships for quite a while now. I’ve enjoyed the Gottman collection of works in my own married life for quite a while, and I have prescribed this particular volume for most couples I work with. Not only is it a great reference with empirically based suggestions, but it also works to give us a common language to discuss common difficulties most couples are confronted with at some point.

I wanted to introduce this work to you in more depth and share some of it’s teachings. You can use some of these as a defense against issues getting worse, or you can use them to work your way out of relationship pitfalls. If these concepts resonate with you, click on the link and pick up a copy for yourself, or for someone you think might benefit from it.

The Seven Principles are fairly basic, but require a consider amount of work to put into place. Therefore, each one comes with a list of suggested exercise to engage in.

I will warn you, as I do everyone I recommend this book to, the first three chapters can be quite abysmal and depressing. They highlight Gottman’s technique for “predicting divorce” and suggest several obstacles, or “The Four Horsemen”, of relationship destruction. If you can get past these first three and digest what they have to offer, then begin the exercises, you will be well on your way.

Principle One is “Enhance Your Love Maps”; or what I like to think of as getting to know each other again, and again, and again. It is amazing how relationships change over the course of years. What might be even more amazing is the amount of people who don’t expect them to change and are blindsided by it. We need to continually get to know our significant other through talking, dating, and engaging in connecting activities. There is a great exercise at the end of this chapter that simply involves asking each other questions and finding out what you don’t know about your spouse.

Principal Two is about continuing to grow closer, and is titled Nurture Your Fondness and admiration. This principal offers steps to continue to build appreciation in your relationship so that it doesn’t face too much challenge. It is really about looking deeply to find what you like, admire, and appreciate about your significant other.

Principal Three suggests that we Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away. Another, more common way to state this is to WORK WITH your partner, rather than against. But in the daily struggles and trials of work, relationships, parenting, etc; it can be very difficult to engage in that behavior consistently. This principal suggests we think of our relationship as having an “emotional bank account” (a common concept in marriage books and theory) that we must continually make more deposits than withdrawals.

Principal Four, a tough one for us men, is to Let Your Partner Influence You. This concept suggests that we continue to increase our connectedness, admiration, appreciation, and emotional bank account simply by allowing ourselves to be influenced by our spouses thoughts and feelings, especially when it comes to critical decisions.

Principals Five and Six get right to the heart of most problems – conflict, disagreement, discord – whatever you want to call it, these two principals deal with identifying a relationships “Solvable Problems” and determining how to “Overcome Gridlock” of those problems that may not be solvable. If you find yourself able to do these two things well in your relationship, you are ahead of the game. If not, these two chapters will be worth their weight in gold.

Finally, Principal Seven, the ‘fun’ Principal, is about “Creating Shared Meaning” in your relationship. In order for a relationship to continue to be healthy and to flourish, the people in the relationship need to share commons goals and meaning in their individual lives, and as a couple. This final part of the book offers suggestions on what to do to get to that shared meaning.

I find myself ‘prescribing’ this book more and more lately. Therefore, I thought it might be helpful if I offered a synopsis on why I have found it so helpful, and why so many couple I have worked with have benefitted from it.

This can be a great resource to prevent certain pitfalls in relationships, and even more so, can help you get out of trouble spots when they occur. If you think you might benefit, if there is the slightest tinge in the back of your mind, I highly encourage you to pick up a copy.

You can find out more about the book, or order your copy here:

6 Steps to Talk Through Your Problems

In my last article I talked about all those important relationship issues that need to be addressed through the course of a relationship – money, chores, sex, children, work, play… the list goes on and on. Agreeing to spend even a minute bit of time with another person requires agreement, compromise, and understanding of expectations. Committing to spending your life with another person requires any exponentially greater amount of these qualities.


How do you get there?

Communication. Healthy, positive, effective communication focused on working through issues and coming to agreement, even if the agreement is simply to peacefully disagree.

So if your communication isn’t quite healthy, positive, and effective, here are a few tips taken right out of the texts for Counseling 101, Couples 201, and Don’t Drive Your Significant Other Crazy 401 (advanced class).

These are all fairly basic tips that are easy to implement. However, in our modern times, they have seemed to diminish considerably in our interactions with each other. Try these in your next disagreement/argument/discussion.

Turn off the tv, put down the paper, close your laptop, put your phone out of reach. The bottom line here is to put away any distractions and focus intently on what the other person has to say. This goes for your spouse, significant other, coworkers, and even your children. If you are going to take the time to enter into a discussion with someone, do it wholeheartedly.

Eye contact. Let the person know you are paying attention by looking at them – this is considerably easier when you adhere to tip #1.

Listen. Who ever thought one word could be so hard? It is though. We are hard-wired to be selfish, self-centered, and self-serving people; it’s part of our survival mechanisms. But when we enter in to a conversation with another person, it is vital to focus on what they are saying; even when other things pop into our head. Usually, you can expect a full range of thoughts to come into your head, like “what should I get at the grocery store, did the Cubs win, what’s for dinner, I can solve that problem…”; the list goes on, I’m sure. Of course, the big obstacle to listening is thinking about what you are going to say next – a huge communication breaker. The goal here is to shut down that list, or the part of your brain ready to answer back, and to focus intently on what the other person is trying to say to you, WITHOUT thinking about outside issues, or what you want to say next. One simple word, “LISTEN”, but so hard to do.

Minimal Encouragers. These are little cues you give to indicate that you are listening – it helps to make sure you are listening first; but the natural head nods, “uh-huh’s”, and “hmmm’s” will indicate to the other person that you are paying attention. It helps them to keep going in the discussion, and it will help you focus on what they are saying.

Paraphrase for meaning. This is another great way to trick yourself into listening better – make sure you are hearing what the other person is saying by asking; “so you are saying……”, or “what I heard you say is…….”. This may not be natural at first, but it gets easier the more you try it. It will also validate what the person is saying and let them know you really get what they are trying to communicate. One more thing, doing this sarcastically, with a negative tone, or in an angry way will have the exact opposite effect it is intended to have.

Don’t Problem solve – Validate. OK, this is where that “advanced class” comes in. This is probably the toughest but most important part of communicating. Unfortunately, for us men, we seem to be set-up through evolution and industry to think we have to SOLVE every problem put before us. Don’t worry, ladies, you are developing the same tendency. We all need to stop trying to solve each other’s problems, and work harder to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings if we want to improve communication and our relationships.

What does it mean to validate someone else’s feelings or thoughts? It is simply the act of understanding, or showing empathy for how that person feels. You don’t have to agree with them, but just understanding them goes a long way in letting them know you listened. This can be accomplished with several of the tips above, or by simply echoing their feelings as you heard them; “that must have been frustrating”, “that sounds like a really exciting moment,” “wow, you must have been nervous”. These are all examples of how you can validate someone else’s feelings.

The next time you are entering in to an important conversation with a loved one, focus on using these techniques to make the discussion more healthy, productive, and effective. Try hard to hear them, and work to validate their feelings, rather than solve their problems.

Save Your Family from "The Terminator"

Sigh… here we go again. One more high-profile story of infidelity and the havoc it causes in a marriage, in a family, and for the individuals involved. Infidelity is much like addiction in that it doesn’t affect only the individuals involved, but ripples through the lives of the family and community for a considerably longer amount of time than it takes for the act to occur.


It’s devastating.

As a person, I am sad for the people involved. I am sad for the children who are learning unhealthy behaviors and attitudes from unhealthy role models. I am sad for the spouse left behind. I am sad for the spouse who committed the act, and the guilt that will follow them. I am sad for those individuals who will be affected indefinitely in a myriad of ways.

As a man, I’m sick of my peers making bad decisions. We are expected to be the rock on which our family is built, the cornerstone. We are expected to be bastions of morale thinking and doing the ‘right thing’. Decisions like this skew those expectations for everyone. The rest of us have to pick up the slack for your bad decisions, guys.

As a therapist, I am convinced that marriages can avoid these situations with some degree of work and investment. I also know that, should these situations occur, a marriage can heal; but it does take more work and investment.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and concepts for protecting your marriage and family, avoiding infidelity or divorce, and healing from difficult times when they do occur.

The first one may be one of the simplest, but one of the more difficult to take care of – managing expectations.

Misaligned or ‘out-of-whack’ expectations can be the cause of considerable hurt, frustration, and resentment. Whether it’s where you will be going for the holidays, where the money goes, who does the dishes and who mows the long, how to discipline the kids, or how often you engage in intimacy; each topic has the potential to explode into a major disagreement if you are not both on the same page.

Avoiding these disagreements is often as simple as talking about them and coming to an agreement before negative emotions build. But that isn’t always that simple – honestly who wants to talk about dishes of all things? And how many of us are really all that comfortable talking about SEX? Even though sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship, just as critical as money, and who takes care of the bills, it’s not always that easy to discuss.

The fact remains, sex, and all of these topics need to be discussed. As do many more.

If you are able to come to an agreement on important topics in your marriage before they become an “issue”, you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a great service in avoiding conflict and hurt feelings.

Take some time to open up a discussion on these concepts. If you struggle to talk about them, find a good resource to help you through it.

Next week, I will be writing about having the discussion using the basic foundations of communication. I look forward to hearing how your discussion works out.