Are You Hitting Your Peaks?

There are those glorious moments in life when we just feel like everything is perfect; Maslow summed it up as "those sudden feelings of intense well-being that fill us with wonder and awe; a beautiful sunset in an amazing vacation location, experiencing that "AH HA moment" after searching or an answer, summiting the peak of a previously insurmountable. There are many more to describe, despite how infrequently they seem to occur.


A recent Psychology Today article seems to suggest that we can help ourselves achieve more of these peak moments through a few simple alterations to our decisions and behavior. Here are a few ideas to help you experience more. If your life seems to be passing in a dull blur, try these steps for having more highlights.

Volunteer. The best way to not only create peak experiences, but keep them rolling in like waves, one after another, is to be part o a larger community that is making the world a better place", says Jeffrey Kottler, Professor of Psychology at California State University. "It doesn't really matter where you being... just save one person or join one cause, and let it grow from there. The passion can follow the action."

Challenge yourself. Something I am constantly encouraging others to do, and working on myself. "Periods of struggle to overcome challenges are what people find the most enjoyable times of their lives", says Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, director of the Quality of Life Center at the University of Chicago and author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He advises setting a tough goal and starting on the steps that will lead to success. The challenge can be physical, mental, or a combination, like learning to play a musical instrument, reading the complete works of a famous classical author or poet, or completing a triathlon.

Buy Experiences - Not Things. This idea seems so difficult in a culture that is constantly marketing to us to buy the latest greatest and newest toy. These new toys usually make us extremely happy, for a very short amount of time... I rarely hear people rave about their new phone or computer for more than a few weeks after the purchase - and usually they are complaining if they bought in a manner where they have to pay continually (credit). But you frequently here them share about the amazing vacation they took with their family, or the wonderful dinner they splurged on, or the show that took their breathe away. Buy a child a new toy, and they will eventually forget about it, share time or an experience with your child, and they will talking about it as an adult.

Daydream about the future. "If you want to cultivate more memorable experiences, you have to have a love affair with the future", says Shane Lopez of the Gallup polling organization. "Painting a colorful picture will provide the energy to move forward". Daydreaming about the future, planning a course of action, and achieving is a sure method to more peak moments.

Recommended Reading:
 
If you are looking for more peak experiences and trying to achieve them in a creative way, this book is for you. I love Hugh McLeod's humor and his inspiring art. This book is full of both.

5 Steps to Better Decisions

Do I ask her to marry me? Should I tell him it's over? Can I ask my boss for a raise? Is it time to quit my job? Should I start my own business? Should I spend, or should I save?




Life is full of critical decisions. Every day is full of not so critical, minor decisions. We are constantly confronted with situations where we must decide -so how do you do it? It is it a quick and easy impulse, a decision you've made countless times before, or is it a painstakingly drawn out weighing of advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons?



Whether you are struggling to make an important decision, or working to change your more impulsive decisions, there are five questions you can ask yourself to help you along the way. I've used these questions, originally researched by Maultsby over 20 years ago, to work through my own decisions in life, and to help many others:



Is my thinking based on objective fact? This questions offers you a moment of pause to think about the facts, and to make sure you are considering the "facts" and not just your opinion, wants, needs, impulse, etc. Too many times, we can trace poor decisions back to acting on impulse, and not on fact. Too often, we may think "fact" and "opinion" are interchangeable - when it comes to making effective decisions, they're not.



Does my thinking help protect my life and health? Big decisions really deserve the time to ask if it is protective, and I think we often give those big decisions that thought. It's the small decisions - the daily decisions to eat veggies or drive-through, to hit the snooze button one more time or go exercise - these decisions are the ones we might want to stop and ask ourselves this question more often.



Does this decision advance my short-term and long-term goals? What are your goals in life; goals for today, this week, this year, and this lifetime? When we have goals, and we allow them to impact our daily decisions, we tend to be happier with our decisions.



Does my thinking help me prevent unwanted and unnecessary conflict with myself and others? I know when a decision is going to put me in conflict, especially at home. I think most people recognize when a decision is going to put themselves in conflict, but we choose with immediate gratification versus long-term serenity. A good decision is keeps us out of conflict.



Does my thinking help me feel the way I need to? Quite simply - do I feel guilty if I make this decision? Not all decisions are about guilt, but very often they are about avoiding guilt. Considering the emotional impact of our decisions will often lead to healthier decisions.
 

A Personal Challenge

It's a small exaggeration to say that there were points when we thought one of us was going to die, or at best, we were going to drive each other crazy.

By the time we got to our destination we were out of water, the heat had skyrocketed to over 100 degrees, the flies were as big as small dogs, and the mosquitoes swarmed in cloud-like unison. To make matters worse, we had to turn around and go back 4-5 hours journey to have any hope at cooling off the next day.

It could be said that first trip was an absolute disaster. It was horrible.

We are planning to do it again in just a few weeks.
WHY?

If for no other reason, because it's fun. Seriously. I think there is something enjoyable in pushing yourself to the limits. And we discovered quite a bit about our limits - physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. We learned a lot during that disastrous little adventure. There are a ton of reasons to give it a try again - reasons most of us should find in our life.

Reason 1 - first, a little bit of research and psycho-babble jargon to make you think - to stretch your cognitive abilities, if you will. Why? Because research says it is important to stretch and exercise your brain just like you stretch and exercise your muscles (you ARE stretching and exercising your muscles, aren't you?)

When we are born, our brain starts out as a flexible, malleable mass of neurons sitting atop our spinal cord - our job is to fill it full of knowledge. This is easier to due in our earlier years - brain cells fire quicker, faster, better when we are younger. As we age, our brain loses it's plasticity; our intelligence becomes more "crystallized" - that's why our thinking becomes more rigid, and our memory becomes more difficult to remember, the older we become.

One way to fight this - to stay nimble of memory, and quick of wit - is to constantly challenge yourself in your daily living. We do that by constantly trying to learn new things, - read, research, discover. Engaging in activities - trying new foods - exploring different opportunities in life - all are great opportunities to stretch your brain and work to maintain that plasticity throughout your life.

Reason 2 - Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger - and in our world where there isn't much that can kill you, it's healthy to step outside your comfort zone and make an attempt to push yourself. Our caveman brothers and sisters had to fear for their lives every time they stepped outside their cave; that helped them to evolve into what we are today. They had to grow stronger, faster, and smarter to survive - we don't have the same environmental forces pushing us, so it's helpful to push ourselves to grow smarter, faster, and stronger in all aspects of our life.

Reason 3 - Failure is good for you (as long as it doesn't kill you - see #2) - some of my greatest revelations in life have come only as a result of attempting to do something great, and failing miserably. There once was a time where those miserable defeats would shut me down for quite a while - they still sting, but I have learned to assess the problem and move on from it - to grow from it and try again. This has been one of the most valuable life lessons I have learned, and it came with quite a cost, a cost that was well worth it.

So now I want to challenge you - I've listed three reasons why you should challenge yourself, what will you do with it? Is there a challenge or a goal you've been thinking about undertaking? Is now the time? Take a moment to share about it at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com 's Articles section - it makes you accountable to yourself when you write it down, it allows others to help you to be accountable to your goal when you share it.

My goal - I'm going to hike 20+ miles through the North Country Scenic Trail, and not just survive it this time, but ENJOY it.

What's your goal - work related? A social venture? A new personal goal? Share about it in the Articles-Comments section at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com

Is Your Child on Drugs?

The start of school is usually a bitter-sweet time for parents. Summer is coming to an end, as is the extra time we get to spend with our children. Along with this sadness, most parents sigh a collective sigh of relief to watch the youngsters go back to school.

My time as director of an intensive adolescent substance abuse treatment center taught me that this is also the time of year young people start their experimentation with drug use - sometimes leading to full-blown dependence by the next semester, if their use goes unchecked.

A new school year is a time of great change for any child, for those changing schools - from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school - it's also a time of meeting new friends, and learning more about themselves. This is also the time children and adolescents may come into contact with alcohol, marijuana, prescription pills, or other illicit substances.

It is an important time for parents to understand that no matter how much you have tried to shield your child, no matter where you live, substance use is abundant in our culture, and in the adolescent culture. An educated parent is her child's best ally against substance use.

This is not meant to scare you, but to encourage you to educate yourself, and to realize the subtle and insidious nature of substance abuse - it CAN effect YOUR child! I have worked with the children from families of every part of life and many parts of the country - children of Federal Agents, Truck Drivers, Doctors, Lawyers, Laborers, wealthy - poor - middle class; city, suburb, or farm -country. Substance abuse, addiction, knows no boundaries. Educate yourself. Know the warning signs. And please, don't kid yourself that "it won't happen to my child".

Warning Signs:

Extreme mood swings - if you have been an adolescent, you know this time is riddled with "mood swings", but here we are talking about wild mood swings from joy to hatred - often brought on by the parental word "No" (if you don't use this word much at home, you may want to read some of my previous articles on parenting). These extreme moods swings can often be the result of substance use that creates euphoria, and then the crash of withdrawal, prompted by a need to go out and get more. There have been times that these moods swings, if brought to the attention of a physician, may be misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

Withdrawal or increased isolation - adolescent and pre-adolescents need their private time. They also need time away from parents and siblings to de-stress from the trials of school life and the flurry of changes that are happening to them. Healthy children engage in healthy behaviors during this time - studying, writing, communicating with friends (type/text/email/IM/etc), or playing video games. Parents should be concerned for the child that suddenly requires considerably more private time, or doesn't associate with the family at all - trading this time in for time behind a locked door in their room. Note to parents - locked doors, drawers, closets, etc are often a giant "red flag", as is your 15 year-old son's sudden interest in the legal ramifications of his "right to privacy". This is a difficult boundary, because for healthy growth, they should be entitled to privacy, however, it is not a "right" in your household if you are concerned they are engaging in unhealthy or illegal behavior - Parents have rights too, and they have responsibilities to protect their children.

Change of friends - when the old "good" friends that you used to like stop coming around and are traded in for new friends who might be a little "different", this is a cause for concern and conversation. There is nothing wrong with questioning your child's peer choices - but trying to dictate who friends should be can be another difficult situation. Encourage your child to make healthy peer choices through conversation and questions like:

- Tell me about your new friends .
- What do you like to do together?
- What do you have in common?
- Can I call (new friend) parents and chat with them?
- How does (new friend) do in school?
- What does (new friend) plan on doing in life?

Change in appearance - Dads of young ladies, this is a HUGE chore for you. It's difficult enough to discuss your "little baby" who used to run around in overalls and pigtails now wearing low-cut tops and high-cut bottoms. It is equally concerning when your once cheerfully dressed child starts wearing super-baggy, super-dark, or super-different clothing. TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE and what it means to you and your family. This is a great opportunity to ask about what image they would like to convey - this is another time for conversation, not authoritarianism.

These are just a few of the warning signs. Drastic change is the key - when the change you experience in your child is far outside what you expect to be "normal", I implore you to trust your "parent gut" - that instinctual sense you were endowed with the second your child was born. If your gut tells you something is amiss, trust it; ask questions, have a conversation.

If you struggle trusting your parent gut, or what your child is saying; or if you are having a hard time engaging in these conversations without resulting to arguments, it may be time to ask for some help.

9 Ways to Stop Stress Before You Explode

There are very few certainties that touch us all in this mortal experience, but of the absolutes is that we will experience hardship and stress at some point. - Dr. James C. Dobson

We all experience stress, it's a natural and normal part of being a person; but it's how we experience it, and how much we let it into our lives that makes us different.

In previous articles I shared about the negative, life-threatening aspects of stress, and some techniques to relax or relieve stress. But what about dealing with the stress head-on? What about dealing with it in a way that it doesn't get to the point of frustration?

I have found that there are generally two ways to "manage" stress, to deal with it before it becomes too great; you can either change the stressor by avoiding or altering it; or you can change yourself by adapting or accepting the situation. Here are nine ways to alter or avoid stress:

Avoid unnecessary stress. Not all stress can be avoided, but the key concept here is identifying what may be "unnecessary" in your life:

Learn to say "NO" - know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, refuse to accept additional responsibility when you are already struggling with the ones you have. When taking on one more volunteer project for your child's school might push you over the edge, it's OK to say "no" to being asked to be "Head Room Dad"...

Avoid people who stress you out - if there is a particular person in your life who always adds stress, limit your time with them, or end the relationship completely.

Take control of your environment - If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic's got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route.

Avoid hot-button topics - if discussing politics always ends in a shouting match about how "TERRIBLE" the President is, was, or will be; maybe it's better to discuss the weather. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it's the topic of discussion.

Cut back on the do-to list - If your calendar is loaded all day, every day; maybe it's time to take inventory of what things really "MUST" be done, and what "should" or "could" be done.

If you can't avoid the stress, there is a good change you may be able to alter it; altering the situation often has a lot to do with altering your response to it.

Express your feelings, versus bottling them up - communicating your concerns in a respectful and open manner can go a long way in changing the situation; allowing frustration and resentment to build up will only result in increased stress.

Be willing to compromise - When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you'll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.

Be more assertive - Don't take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them.

Manage your time better - Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. Very often, poor time management sneaks in to your life, and you don't even recognize it. When you're stretched too thin and running behind, it's hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don't overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you're under.

5 "Ridiculous" Stress-Relief Strategies

As we sit to enjoy a nice early meal, and then watch a Friday night movie together as a family, I remember when that wasn't possible. OK, it WAS possible, but i was too "busy" due to the stress I had allowed into my life.

It took a while to change that - to let go of the stress. There were a lot of changes that needed to happen along the way. I needed a lot of help "de-stressing", before I was able to make those decisions. Of course, at that time, I had no desire to de-stress, because I had it "all under control", despite the fact everything was falling apart through this stress-induced haze.. Eventually, as the story goes, I was forced to adopt different behaviors.

I can't believe that I tried these - some of the most ridiculous ideas I had ever heard!

Until they worked. Then they weren't so ridiculous any more.


Meditation - one of the first suggestions I was given was one I had little belief in. I remember the first time a peer suggested it to me, I thought he was crazy. But I gave it a try - simply setting aside 10 minutes to breathe deeply and to allow my mind to be still. It didn't work the first time, nor the second time. But I continued to give it a try. In fact, I did a little research and found there are multiple forms of meditation that have worked for other's for several thousand years... So who was I, why was I so "special" that it wouldn't work for me. The style that did work for me was simply deep breathing through the nose for 6-8 seconds, enough to make the abdomen move; followed by exhale out the mouth for a few seconds longer than I breathed in. The hard part is clearing your mind and allowing yourself to relax - but once you have learned this (it took me a few weeks), mediation can lower blood pressure, relax your muscles, and be a brief time of healing that lasts throughout your day.

Acupuncture - you won't see me volunteer to have one needle, much less several, stuck in me. Then I injured my knee and it was part of treatment - 20 needles in and around the knee three times per week, for two weeks. I was amazed at how much it helped the pain and healing. I have known people who have applauded the relaxing and calming effects of full body acupuncture - needles from head to toe. I have witnessed the after effects and changes of someone who went to a session anxious and stressed, and came out feeling "wonderful" - it works.

Massage - I always thought this was just something "nice" to do for yourself. There is quite a bit more behind a practice that relaxes stressed muscles and releases the build-up of toxins in the body. A good full-body massage can actually leave you sick, as it causes your body to finally release the toxins that have been building up. Not only is it relaxing in the moment, but can leave you feeling better and less stressed for weeks.

Yoga - what I once thought was a "soft" exercise, really isn't that soft. A good yoga session brings together the anti-stress power of meditation, stretching, and exercise. There are videos, books, and classes available for beginner to guru. I have been really impressed with the calming power of just one session. I highly recommend keeping a few yoga videos or books on hand for stressful times, especially those stressful times when you are not eating well or exercising - this can be a quick 30 minute opportunity to feel better fast.


Exercise - I have shared with many people the ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing start to my running habit. I was stressed, overweight, and a terrible example of nutrition. I "tried" running for a few weeks, and then gave up - it wasn't for me. Of course, I went back being more stressed, gaining more weight, and being pretty well known at the local drive-through windows. So I knew I had to "DO" running one more time, not just "TRY".

I found a program and a goal. The program, "Couch Potato to 5K" was perfect, because I couldn't run for more the 30-60 seconds at a time, that is right where the program started out. Eventually, I was up to 90 seconds, than a few minutes. Within a few weeks I was able to run a mile without stopping - not quickly, but it was a mile. I kept adding a little bit more distance and ran a little longer. These were times I actually looked forward to. I felt great running, and the effects lasted through the day - not only was I relaxed, but I was getting healthier too. When you start to engage in a healthier lifestyle, it is amazing how stress can melt away.

If there is only one thing you can do to de-stress and feel better, run. If you can't run, walk; then run just a little, then run some more. If you need guidance, the "Couch Potato to 5K" program is still out there on the internet.

If you want relief from stress, choose just one of these, and make it a consistent part of your life. It won't be easy at first, but they will work. Engaging in more than one of these habits will compound the anti-stress qualities.


Improving your coping strategies for stress can go a long way. But sometimes, you need to change your response to stress, or change the source of the stress all together - check in next week for more on those topics.

How Stress Will Kill You

Stress was a great thing for us to feel thousands of years ago when we needed it. Back then, man needed stress to warn him of approaching doom - some large animal coming to eat him or his family, or war coming from the next tribe over. Stress was a survival mechanism that told the man, "fight or run". Once the danger had passed, the physical sensations that came along with "fight or run" went away - increased heart rate and blood flow, rush of adrenaline, slowed digestion, focused vision (sometimes tunnel vision), and overall physical excitation diminished. The man was allowed to return to his resting state and he did what men a thousand years ago did - not much - eat, sleep, procreate. It was a pretty limited, but easy-going existence.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and have we messed things up. Today, our bodies have a greater tendency to be in fight or flight mode due to some perceived danger - no longer do we fear the pending doom of being eaten by a large animal with big teeth. Instead we fear the doom of not making enough money, making too much money, not having the right job or car or mate or home or television. We fear being too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too old or too young. We fear not making it to the couch to watch our favorite tv shows; or we have recorded so many "favorite" shows, that we fear never having enough time to watch all of them!

We have a lot of things to fear that our ancient relatives did not. Or at least we think we do.

All that fear is killing us slowly. Prolonged stress does terrible things to the human body and mind.

There is plenty of science out there to tell us the same.
I'll give you an example. Let me tell you a little story about a person I know. We'll call him...Dan.

Dan worked a 40+ hour per week job as a manager at a local facility. He was dedicated to his job, but also dedicated to "the big idea" of moving up and moving on. Therefore, Dan pushed himself hard to make everyone happy at work. Sometimes this meant working over, or coming in early. He traveled quite a bit. It was a stressful job, but it was the path to the "next big thing".

Dan was a dedicated father and husband, but found it difficult to make everyone at work happy, and everyone happy at home. Home life was stressful. Work life was stressful. But Dan was in pursuit of "the big idea", so the stress was "OK". The more stress the better, because that meant "the next big thing" was getting closer - so he added a few more jobs, more work and more stress to the mix.

With all the fighting or fleeing the perceived dangers at work and at home - trying to fight the beast of climbing the corporate ladder and being the traditional family - Dan had little time for eating right or exercising. He put something in his mouth that came out of a window from a building several times each day. He was too busy fleeing from place to place to worry about nutrition. When he was tired, he drank plenty of caffeine - sleep would have to wait.

Eventually, the stress and stressful living became too much. A day came when Dan "didn't feel so well". His stomach hurt, so he found a quick fix and took a pill - he didn't have time to figure out what the problem was, he was pushing himself to fight or flee.

The next morning, Dan's appendix exploded - apparently it had been sick for quite some time. He spent nine days in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. There were plenty of tubes and needles. He was forced to take three weeks bed rest to recover after the hospital. Dan didn't take the time to stop the stress, so his body made the decision for him.

It could have been worse. Most over-stressed people succumb to a heart-attack or stroke later in life. The compounding factors stress heaps upon the body will produce death - it's usually a matter of time.

That guy, Dan, was pretty lucky.

There are two ways to deal with stress:

Remove / reduce / get rid of the stressor

Cope with the stressor


We tend to force ourselves into more and more stress out of some perceived fear. Many times, a choice can be made to remove the stress, or alter the stress.

When that choice cannot be made, there are very effective coping skills for us to use.

Either way, you must choose. If not, circumstance, or your body, will choose for you.