Sunday, February 27, 2011

How Are Your Goals Coming Along?

Can you believe we have already careened through two months of the year? Hopefully that means all the snow most of us have been dealing with will be disappearing soon.


Around here, and for a quite a few people I know, it’s the beginning of half-marathon training season – I just wrapped up my first week for the Pittsburgh Half, and a lot of people I know are well in to their training program for the famed Indianapolis Mini-Marathon. It’s a good time of the year to step back to assess how all those New Year’s Resolutions are moving forward, or how they have stalled.

I shared a few of my goals with you at the beginning of the year, so I will take you through a quick look at where they are – maybe through my process, you will take a look at your old goals, or set some new ones.

Running – check. I did “some” leading up to the start of this training program, but didn’t take it too seriously. Now comes the serious time – especially with the added accountability of a little side-bet to finish under our old times.

Having a group to train with definitely helps accountability. On those rotten mornings when I don’t want to get up to run, or after weeks and weeks of running on the treadmill in the basement, it’s helpful to commiserate with other people who are going through the same thing. It’s also helpful to hear one person say “I got my miles in today!”, when I am debating making up an injury to avoid running.

Accountability to yourself and to others is HUGE in succeeding in any goal.

Healthy eating / weight loss – so when my running goals are going well, somewhere in my brain a switch is flipped that says, “yeah, you can have that 5th piece of pizza…”. That needs to stop, as the “Holiday pounds” meld into a layer of “Spring warmth”. Now, I know that this training regiment will help with that, but if my unhealthy eating habits don’t change, I will be negating the benefits I could be gaining.

Being mindful of our thoughts and behaviors – those impulses that trigger unhealthy activity – is another key in succeeding in your goals. The first step is to become aware of those negative or unhealthy thoughts that tell you, “it’s ok to give up”, or “you didn’t really want to anyway”. By recognizing them, you can confront them and change them. Maybe just reading this article will give you pause to pay attention to those thoughts – if not, try keeping a notebook of the self-defeating thoughts you have throughout a few days, review them, and change them.

Spending more time with my wife and girls – not perfect, but not bad. I’ve worked hard to try to get out of work a little earlier a few times each week; and rather than coming home to read the mail or watch the news, I have made a conscious effort to take an hour or a half hour to do something active with my girls – we’ve played a lot of Uno, went sledding a few times, tried to fly a kite during those 20-30 minutes of not having any snow, build some lego castles, we’ll be changing the oil in the family cars tonight – I think they’re pretty excited for that one.

I certainly haven’t been perfect in this endeavor. I’ve had to come home late a few times, after they were in bed. I’ve taken a few weekends to go visit friends and left the kids with grandma and grandpa. But that really is the bottom line, isn’t it? You don’t have to be perfect with your goals, but you have to keep trying. Keep getting better at whatever your goal is, but don’t expect to be perfect – “perfect is the enemy of the good”.

Finally, I have gained far more ground on the book goal than I thought possible. I really thought it was going to be a 6-month process, but if you follow A New Direction Counseling on Facebook, or on @Think_Change on Twitter, you’ve heard that I wrapped up the rough draft a few days ago, and I am actively editing and re-writing before I send it off the my other editors. I endured two months of 5am mornings to get it done – and the insanely funny thing about that, I grew to like those mornings and still get up that early! Funny how striving for goals will sometimes change other behaviors or attitudes, isn’t it?

So what about you? Where are you in the goals you set at the beginning of the year? Take some time to reflect:

Have you help yourself accountable, or asked others to? (Thanks guys)

Have you been more mindful of your thoughts and behaviors that relate to your goals? Even if you haven’t achieved your goal yet, sometimes just becoming aware of your thoughts and attitudes is a huge accomplishment.

Have you found your margin for error between “perfect” and “I quit”? Have you found that equilibrium in allowing yourself to be a fallible human being in the process of achieving your goals?

Finally, have you found new benefits that you didn’t expect when working towards those goals?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Change Your Priorities - Change Your Life

I have to ask myself this too often lately, as it seems to be easy for me to forget. I tend to get bogged down with “work” and striving to “get things done” and find that I might be missing out on “life”.


I had an opportunity jump up and kick me Chuck Norris-style the other day. I needed to be kicked that hard to wake up and start paying attention more to “life” than “work” – have you been there before?

I had my day all planned – I got up at 5am to work, I planned to work through lunch, then I had some work to do in the afternoon, followed by a quick drive home to do some more work. It wasn’t much different than other days.

But something was trying to interrupt that beautiful plan for perfect productivity.

My daughter came to me and asked if I was planning to come to her “awards ceremony” – she was receiving a paper certificate for being an “Outstanding Reader” with what seemed to be 5,000 other kids. The plan for the ceremony was for mobs 50-100 of kids to run up to their teacher or principal to receive their certificate, and then sprint back to their seat in the gymnasium bleachers, it wasn’t really what I thought of as an “awards ceremony”. To her, it was the most important thing that was going to happen before her high school graduation.

I wrestled with the idea of going or not going for quite a while. I saw quite a few tears, some lip quivers, and some VERY angry eyebrows from my wife. However, my drive for a perfectly productive work day was preventing me from caring very much. Eventually, I made up my mind to go, “but only for a little while”.

I went, it was as I expected, mobs of kids running back and forth to grab paper awards, while teachers tried to shush them and parent snapped off pictures. Of course, I had my camera and ran down to take a few snap shots. I’m fairly certain my daughter smiled wider than she had at any Christmas or Birthday gift she had every received. It really was the most important thing in her mind for that day, week, and month. Simply by showing up, I made her feel special, and let her know how important she is in my life – more important than work.

Too often, I get confused and forget that I work so that I can enjoy life with my family. Sometimes, my priorities get mixed up, and I find myself seeing family and friends as an interruption to my work – how sad and embarrassing.

Fortunately, I have “silly” little events like awards ceremonies, selling girl scout cookies, coaching soccer, and trips to the aquarium that remind me that be a part of their lives is more important that putting together a perfectly productive day. I am reminded that phone calls from friends, couples nights, weekend camping trips with the guys, or sending a supportive email to an old buddy is more important than trying to squeeze another dollar out of the day.

I am fortunate to have friends and family in my life to remind me to LIVE life, not work through it. So to them, I say “THANKS”, and yes, I will be there for that camping trip – all of them. But only after I take the girls out to sell cookies. I will work enough to be able to support and be a part of the lives of my friends and family; not so much that I forget how important they are.

So what about you?

Is there a part of life you are missing out on that you once thought was a priority?

Is there an email you haven’t sent?

A phone call you haven’t made?

A trip to visit friends that you have been “too busy” to do?

Sometimes we need “silly” little events to remind us of life’s priorities. Maybe this email is just silly enough to push you in that direction.

My daughter is watching cartoons by herself while I type this – it’s time to adjust my priorities.

Make it a priority to have a great week.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

5 Valentine's Day Ideas That Last All Year

I hope you have already made plans for dinner, flowers, chocolate, or nice gift before this article comes out. If not, there is nothing I can do here to save you. These tips might help, but I can’t guarantee it. You can use them today, and throughout the year to keep your relationship running smooth. But if you haven’t already planned something a little extra for today, you might want to consider something bigger than a box of chocolates – maybe a relationship coach or marital therapist.


Here are 5 quick and easy tips to make your ‘sweetie’ smile today, and keep her or him happy throughout the year.

- Listen. Not just with your ears, but with all of you – your eyes, your body, your mind. That means making eye contact and looking at the person speaking to you – which is not quite possible with the tv on. It also means acknowledging that you are hearing the person – not interrupting, but nodding or acknowledging in some way. When you listen with your mind, it means you are paying attention, whole-heartedly, to what the other person is say. Too often, we have a tendency to be thinking about what we are going to say next, and miss the meaning of what we should be hearing.

- Speak – offer kind words or words of encouragement. Let your significant other know you care – this also works well with children, too. You can set a goal starting today to say at least one kind thing, or make one compliment each day for one month.’

- Spend quality time together – hopefully, spring is near. Even if it is not, there are plenty of things you can do to spend quality time together with your Valentine or with your children. During the cold months, indoor activities like movie night, and game time are great to spend time together. As it warms up, get out and go for a walk, a hike, or a bike ride.

- Gifts – gifts are always nice – chocolates, flowers, toys, etc - but they don’t always have to be something you pick up at the local store. Gifts, meaningful gifts, come in all forms – time spent can be a wonderful gift; engaging in an activity of the other persons choice can be more meaningful that a trinket, or making something by hand – yes, Guys, even we can do that- might be more valuable and lasting than anything you can find at Walmart.

- Commit an act of service, on purpose – take the kids out for the day and give her time to herself; take the car in to have the oil changed so he doesn’t have to do it; finish that project that has been sitting around for weeks; make the coffee; clean the bathroom; wash the car; do the laundry. The list goes on – I’m guessing you don’t have to look very hard. The important thing is to do them often – little acts of service are great opportunities to tell your ‘sweetie’ “I love you”.



There you have it – 5 very easy, very doable ways to tell your special someone you care – if you didn’t already pick up something special for Valentine’s Day, maybe pour on all of these, all at once. But even after today, pick one each week and give it a try.

I’m going to go do the dishes now…

Saturday, February 5, 2011

How Do You Deal With "The Unexpected"?

Dirty, rotten, low-down, stinking, horrible, terrible, nasty week!! That’s how it’s been around here, how about you?


We were going to attempt to take a break – a working break – in Florida. I had a conference to attend, so we planned a few extra days to rest and relax in the sun. We had an early flight, so we were going to overnight near the airport.

It never happened.

As we got to the airport the night before, I found our flight was cancelled due to the weather. We had made it 2/3 of the way to the airport, only to find out that we wouldn’t be starting our journey in the morning. I spent the next 90 minutes on the phone trying to figure out what to do – the next available flight was in 2 days – TWO DAYS – that would effectively erase any of the ‘vacation time’ we had planned before the grueling conference schedule.

But at least we would be in Florida. We would have the sun to enjoy, and we would be out of the snow.

The next morning, as we began to plan for the redefined trip, I received a call that the entire conference was cancelled due to the weather – there was no reason to go to Florida… We weren’t going to be basking in the sun any time soon.

So I started to chip away at the sheet of ice that held our vehicle motionless. I only fell twice, and only slid hard enough to hurt 4-5 times. In trying to opening the tailgate, I took the handle right off the vehicle… We finally slid home 4-5 hours after beginning the normal two hour journey.

The week, didn’t get any better from there, but I won’t bore you with the details, the important question is this – how do you deal with these kinds of weeks?

Let’s face it, we have all had these kinds of weeks – many of us had a rough week last week with the weather across the country – unexpected things pop up in life - how do you cope with it?

- When the store ran out of drive-way salt – did you complain and yell at the cashier, or solve the problem by picking up some water softener salt?

- When the kids were given a few hours, or the entire day off school – did you curse the fact that you needed to change your schedule, or did you find a way to spend some time, maybe even enjoy time, with your family?

- When your travel plans are frozen in “at least and 1-2 inches of ice and up to 12 inches of snow” do you throw the remote at the meteorologist on tv (I thought about it), or do you find a way to reinvest the money you just saved by not traveling?

- When your week is turned upside down – do you withdraw into your shell, or embrace the unexpected and see what it holds for you?

The Unexpected happens quite often, and not just in the winter – how you cope with it can define you as a person, and define your life.

Anger, frustration, resentment, withdrawal, more anger – all natural first impulses when The Unexpected crosses your path (you should’ve heard the first few minutes of finding out our flight was cancelled!), but it’s the dominant thoughts, the ones that come after the impulse and impact how you behave – those are the thoughts you have the most control over, and that are “you”.

So I encourage you to look at how you are handling The Unexpected of this winter, and in your life – if you look at your behavior and attitude and find yourself wanting, change it – you may not be able to change the first impulse, but you can change what comes after.