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"Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity. Successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results." - William James
As I was researching for this article, my daughter serendipitously entered in the room and, as is her nature, started asking questions about whatever was nearby. Now, if you've read some my previous work on parenting, you'll know that I strive to be a democratic parent - but often fail mightily as I face self-imposed deadlines and the pressure of "I've GOT to get this done". Therefore, it was an internal battle I fought against the urge to rush her on her way, and listened to her questions about all the words on a calendar she had in her hand.
As she recognized the letters and tried to put them together, rather than attempting to pronounce the word, she would ask me what the word was, and I would encourage her to sound it out, she would ask me, I would encourage her, never giving her the answer she wanted. This cycle went on for quite a while. What I witnessed was the exact premise of this article, wrapped up in a little 5-year old package with pig tails.
She knew the letters, she knew the sound they made, she knew how to put them together, I had witnessed her do this exercise countless times. But she didn't want to move forward, she didn't want to step into the unknown, she didn't want to get it wrong, she didn't want to try and fail.
Instead, she wanted to stay comfortably unaware. If I would have let her stay comfortable, we would have both gone about our days. But instead, I offered little bits of stepping-stone like encouragement, and she painstakingly and trepidatiously worked through the words; "Monday"... "Tuesday"...etc. The bright eyed, giggly joy she felt in finding a solution to her problem on her own was contagious. We shared that success throughout the day as we went about our individual tasks.
Obviously, that is a story of success; small success for most of us who have learned to read and have been at it for years; a monumental success for a 5-year old who is just now figuring it out. How do the points in this little anecdote relate to you, and your desire to change in your life? As I witnessed the experience, I was amazed at how her story fits with many adults path of change. Whether it is losing weight, stopping smoking, starting a business, or improving your overall mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health - the paths to success are all similar.
Do you fear failure? Are you worried that you won't "get it right" the first time? Do you hold yourself back from trying or even thinking about change, because the idea of failure just won't let you move forward?
Do you have the foundation, the plan, to make change successful? She had her "A-B-C's" and a basic understanding of their sounds - she had the plan - and it took her quite a while to learn it. Have you gone about the process of preparing for change; without that plan, she was sure to fail. Without a plan to change, you are sure to fail.
Do you have somebody to encourage you in your plan, or are you going to "go it alone". Having support, guidance and encouragement will increase your chances of success. Others can help you with your plan, and hold you accountable to following it. Trying to do it on your own increases the opportunity to fail, and sometimes can be the excuse you build into a plan for change.
Finally, have you had past success, even small success? How did it feel? Amazing? Exhilarating? Was it something you wanted to share with everyone who helped you, everyone you knew? What would it be like to accomplish something like that, or something bigger? Would you look back at that change and think, "that really wasn't that bad"?
Failure is an option. But so is starting over again, reformulating your plan and surrounding yourself with encouragement and guidance. Failure can be the end, or it can be a learning experience that builds on your next plan for change.
If you don't get it right the first time, try sounding it out again. You will be amazed how many different ways you can pronounce "Monday", before you get it right.
"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying." -B.F. Skinner
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Blueprint for Personal Change
“It takes great courage and inner strength to change from what is known and comfortable to something which is new and fresh. That which is unknown often contains our greatest potential. To seek our potential by risking change is the path of true greatness. Such action brings great favor and untold blessings.”
That quote from Eastern philosophy sums up the power and fear involved with change. Whether you want to lose weight, stop smoking, alter your thinking, or change any other aspect of your life, there is no one single aspect that works for everyone. You may have to try several techniques through trial-and-error to see what works for you. It is often during the “error” periods that people become frustrated and give up the thought of change all together. The key to change is to try different techniques until you find one that works, and to stay motivated during the down times.
Psychologists and therapists have developed a number of ways to effectively help people change their behavior. One particular theory, the ‘Stages of Change’ model, introduced in the late 1970’s by Prochaska and DiClemente, has been used to help people understand the change process. This model demonstrates that change is rarely easy and often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a larger goal.
Understanding the elements of change, the stages of change, and ways to work through each stage can help you achieve your goals. The following is a primer on change.
In order to succeed, there are three factors that should be addressed:
• Readiness to change - Do you have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change?
• Barriers to change - Is there anything preventing you from changing, or that will prevent you from maintaining change?
• Expect relapse - What might trigger a return to a former behavior – relapse often happens. This is not a cue to give up, but a reason to try new methods. Each failed attempt to implement change only strengthens the next attempt.
Having recognized these prerequisites, knowing what the Stages of Change look like, and what to expect from each stage, is the key to successful long term change.
Precontemplation – you don’t even know you need to change yet. Often the time when you hear about your need to change from significant others, and may deny their insight.
Contemplation – you recognize we need to change mentally, but really don’t feel all that interested in making the effort to change. This stage is characterized by conflicted emotions and cognitive dissonance – thinking about change, but not striving towards it.
Preparation – you’re on your way! When in this stage, you may begin collecting information on change; possibly experimenting with small changes. This is a good time to put together resources from the internet or the community to offer advice and encouragement as you move through the change.
Action – this is it – this is when you begin to change the behavior or thinking in big ways. You cut back on smoking, you change your eating and exercising habits, or you begin to alter your negative thinking patterns. During this time, you may be focused heavily on the change in your life – it important to give the change the appropriate attention every day - reward your efforts and successes, recognize the short-comings and correct them.
Maintanence - The maintenance phase of the involves successfully avoiding former behaviors and keeping up new behaviors. During this stage, you begin to become more confident in your change. This is the time avoid temptation and to replace old habits with more positive actions.
Relapse – when going through change, relapse is a common occurrence. When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, and frustration. The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. If you lapse back to an old behavior, take a hard look at why it happened. This is a time for self-evaluation, not self-defeat. You can quickly recycle back to any stage in the model – making changes to the preparation or action stage to insure future success.
You may feel like giving up, but now that you have started the process, it will be difficult to enjoy the blissful ignorance of the pre-contemplation stage. The success you enjoyed will be on your mind, and you will want to get back to it soon. I recommend treating the relapse as a temporary failure and getting back to the hard work of change as quickly as possible.
I’ll talk more about the psychological and historical impact of failure in next week’s article.
That quote from Eastern philosophy sums up the power and fear involved with change. Whether you want to lose weight, stop smoking, alter your thinking, or change any other aspect of your life, there is no one single aspect that works for everyone. You may have to try several techniques through trial-and-error to see what works for you. It is often during the “error” periods that people become frustrated and give up the thought of change all together. The key to change is to try different techniques until you find one that works, and to stay motivated during the down times.
Psychologists and therapists have developed a number of ways to effectively help people change their behavior. One particular theory, the ‘Stages of Change’ model, introduced in the late 1970’s by Prochaska and DiClemente, has been used to help people understand the change process. This model demonstrates that change is rarely easy and often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a larger goal.
Understanding the elements of change, the stages of change, and ways to work through each stage can help you achieve your goals. The following is a primer on change.
In order to succeed, there are three factors that should be addressed:
• Readiness to change - Do you have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change?
• Barriers to change - Is there anything preventing you from changing, or that will prevent you from maintaining change?
• Expect relapse - What might trigger a return to a former behavior – relapse often happens. This is not a cue to give up, but a reason to try new methods. Each failed attempt to implement change only strengthens the next attempt.
Having recognized these prerequisites, knowing what the Stages of Change look like, and what to expect from each stage, is the key to successful long term change.
Precontemplation – you don’t even know you need to change yet. Often the time when you hear about your need to change from significant others, and may deny their insight.
Contemplation – you recognize we need to change mentally, but really don’t feel all that interested in making the effort to change. This stage is characterized by conflicted emotions and cognitive dissonance – thinking about change, but not striving towards it.
Preparation – you’re on your way! When in this stage, you may begin collecting information on change; possibly experimenting with small changes. This is a good time to put together resources from the internet or the community to offer advice and encouragement as you move through the change.
Action – this is it – this is when you begin to change the behavior or thinking in big ways. You cut back on smoking, you change your eating and exercising habits, or you begin to alter your negative thinking patterns. During this time, you may be focused heavily on the change in your life – it important to give the change the appropriate attention every day - reward your efforts and successes, recognize the short-comings and correct them.
Maintanence - The maintenance phase of the involves successfully avoiding former behaviors and keeping up new behaviors. During this stage, you begin to become more confident in your change. This is the time avoid temptation and to replace old habits with more positive actions.
Relapse – when going through change, relapse is a common occurrence. When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, and frustration. The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. If you lapse back to an old behavior, take a hard look at why it happened. This is a time for self-evaluation, not self-defeat. You can quickly recycle back to any stage in the model – making changes to the preparation or action stage to insure future success.
You may feel like giving up, but now that you have started the process, it will be difficult to enjoy the blissful ignorance of the pre-contemplation stage. The success you enjoyed will be on your mind, and you will want to get back to it soon. I recommend treating the relapse as a temporary failure and getting back to the hard work of change as quickly as possible.
I’ll talk more about the psychological and historical impact of failure in next week’s article.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
6 Thoughts That Ruin Your Day
Have you ever had one of those days that goes bad right from the start? The kind of day that makes you wish you could crawl back into bed, and start over? One where you wake up late, the coffee maker won’t work, traffic is terrible, the guy driving next to you cuts you off, you equipment at work just won’t work, and it steamrolls downhill from there… I think we’ve all had a day like that at some point – but it’s when they keep adding up, day after day, when life becomes a series of frustrating events, then there is cause for concern.
Research and opinion among psychologists suggests that we have more control over these tough days than we may think. Very often it may be our thinking that influences our perspective on daily events that causes us to continue to have “bad days”. Our thinking can be a powerful force in taking a bad day and make it exponentially worse, or it can take that same rough start, and make it better quickly.
There several key patterns of thinking that can turn your day, and your life, upside down. If you notice yourself thinking along these lines, it’s probably a good idea to change it. If you change it in a positive way, you’ll notice a lot of other areas of your life changing for the better.
6 styles of thinking that cause trouble in our lives:
1. Viewing the world in Absolutes – simply allowing the words “always” and “never” to creep into our vocabulary and thinking in excessive doses can impact our thinking negatively. “Good things NEVER happen to me”, “I am ALWAYS the victim”. Nothing in life is ever really that absolute, but when we think that way, it becomes our perspective to see life as a real drag.
2. Looking at the future as a series of “What If’s” – planning for the future and looking forward to events in life is one of the great joys of being human. But when we begin to anticipate the future in a series of negative “What If’s” we can produce unhealthy doses of anxiety and look at the future with sadness and frustration.
3. Motivating yourself in life through a series of rules that you “Have To, Got To, or Must” do or something terrible is going to happen can bring on fear and anxiety. We all have things in life the “must” do; but when everything in life “has to” be accomplished out of fear, rather than because it is of personal benefit or benefit to another person, we can become pretty unhealthy.
4. When we begin to “Awful-ize” everything in life, when we view everything through the lens that is sad, terrible, or awful; bad days can drag on to be bad months and years. This pattern is often a sign of depression. When you think in terms of life experiences as being awful all the time, life can become unbearable.
5. The idea that the world and everything in it “Should” or “Ought” to be the way we need or want it to be will leave you frustrated. If you live your live believing everyone around you should behave in the way you want them to, you leave yourself open to frequent disappointment. At some point, acceptance of life and others as they are is the healthiest thinking pattern we can adopt.
6. Most philosophies or cultures have a powerful or cute little quote on the idea of “Trying versus Doing”; even the great philosopher Yoda once said, “Do or Do Not, there is no Try”. When we think or say we will “try” to accomplish something, it’s as though we are leaving the door open to avoid it. Doing is the art of setting a goal and striving for it, with the possibility of failure being an accepted reality. Trying is the art of thinking and talking about doing, without having to do.
It is normal to have thoughts like this occur occasionally. If you catch yourself in a thought following one of these patterns, recognize it, have a chuckle, and change it. It’s when these thoughts become patterns in our daily lives that we can really bring problems on ourselves. If that is the case, if you are thinking along these lines continually, it may take a bit more effort to correct the pattern. In my next newsletter, I will share more on the art and act of making changes in our lives.
Research and opinion among psychologists suggests that we have more control over these tough days than we may think. Very often it may be our thinking that influences our perspective on daily events that causes us to continue to have “bad days”. Our thinking can be a powerful force in taking a bad day and make it exponentially worse, or it can take that same rough start, and make it better quickly.
There several key patterns of thinking that can turn your day, and your life, upside down. If you notice yourself thinking along these lines, it’s probably a good idea to change it. If you change it in a positive way, you’ll notice a lot of other areas of your life changing for the better.
6 styles of thinking that cause trouble in our lives:
1. Viewing the world in Absolutes – simply allowing the words “always” and “never” to creep into our vocabulary and thinking in excessive doses can impact our thinking negatively. “Good things NEVER happen to me”, “I am ALWAYS the victim”. Nothing in life is ever really that absolute, but when we think that way, it becomes our perspective to see life as a real drag.
2. Looking at the future as a series of “What If’s” – planning for the future and looking forward to events in life is one of the great joys of being human. But when we begin to anticipate the future in a series of negative “What If’s” we can produce unhealthy doses of anxiety and look at the future with sadness and frustration.
3. Motivating yourself in life through a series of rules that you “Have To, Got To, or Must” do or something terrible is going to happen can bring on fear and anxiety. We all have things in life the “must” do; but when everything in life “has to” be accomplished out of fear, rather than because it is of personal benefit or benefit to another person, we can become pretty unhealthy.
4. When we begin to “Awful-ize” everything in life, when we view everything through the lens that is sad, terrible, or awful; bad days can drag on to be bad months and years. This pattern is often a sign of depression. When you think in terms of life experiences as being awful all the time, life can become unbearable.
5. The idea that the world and everything in it “Should” or “Ought” to be the way we need or want it to be will leave you frustrated. If you live your live believing everyone around you should behave in the way you want them to, you leave yourself open to frequent disappointment. At some point, acceptance of life and others as they are is the healthiest thinking pattern we can adopt.
6. Most philosophies or cultures have a powerful or cute little quote on the idea of “Trying versus Doing”; even the great philosopher Yoda once said, “Do or Do Not, there is no Try”. When we think or say we will “try” to accomplish something, it’s as though we are leaving the door open to avoid it. Doing is the art of setting a goal and striving for it, with the possibility of failure being an accepted reality. Trying is the art of thinking and talking about doing, without having to do.
It is normal to have thoughts like this occur occasionally. If you catch yourself in a thought following one of these patterns, recognize it, have a chuckle, and change it. It’s when these thoughts become patterns in our daily lives that we can really bring problems on ourselves. If that is the case, if you are thinking along these lines continually, it may take a bit more effort to correct the pattern. In my next newsletter, I will share more on the art and act of making changes in our lives.
Monday, May 3, 2010
What Kind of Parent Are You?
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct - at times without understanding why - and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options. Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things, because sometimes, they may not know why they want them to do these things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.
Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and nor do they understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors. They may learn through their parents role-modeling that control and "bossiness" may be the only way to get their needs met. Children with authoritarian behavior may act out negatively to relieve the pent up frustration they feel.
Permissive
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.
Children of permissive parents tend to behave in a "spoiled" manner - they are very demanding and may resort to temper tantrums or worse to get their way. The more this behavior works for them in getting their needs met, the more it is reinforced, and the more they will use the behavior - thus starting the cycle. The more the cycle continues, the more difficult it is to stop. The child will struggle to set boundaries for himself, as he has not had any one role-model boundaries for him.
Democratic Or Authoritative
Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad. For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until you can play with it safely."
Through their parent's role-modeling, the child learns to accept boundaries, and then to set them for herself in increasingly more mature situations. The child of a democratic parents usually bonds well with her parent and has a positive relationship with them.
Which Is Your Style?
Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn. Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct - at times without understanding why - and are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with choices or options. Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things, because sometimes, they may not know why they want them to do these things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend to focus on bad behavior, rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.
Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and nor do they understand why the parent is requiring certain behaviors. They may learn through their parents role-modeling that control and "bossiness" may be the only way to get their needs met. Children with authoritarian behavior may act out negatively to relieve the pent up frustration they feel.
Permissive
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.
Children of permissive parents tend to behave in a "spoiled" manner - they are very demanding and may resort to temper tantrums or worse to get their way. The more this behavior works for them in getting their needs met, the more it is reinforced, and the more they will use the behavior - thus starting the cycle. The more the cycle continues, the more difficult it is to stop. The child will struggle to set boundaries for himself, as he has not had any one role-model boundaries for him.
Democratic Or Authoritative
Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner. They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on the bad. For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this because, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?" Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until you can play with it safely."
Through their parent's role-modeling, the child learns to accept boundaries, and then to set them for herself in increasingly more mature situations. The child of a democratic parents usually bonds well with her parent and has a positive relationship with them.
Which Is Your Style?
Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn. Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.
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