Posts
Please.
Talk to them about drugs and alcohol.
Do it before I have to do it for you.
As a substance abuse and addictions specialist, this is always the time of year that worries me the most for your kids – going back to school. Every year, I see a rise in referrals for adolescent substance abuse, especially from schools that catch kids using or in possession of substances. It’s the time of year when friends reunite, stress and anxiety are on the rise, and kids look to find a new or unique way to deal with their stress. Add that to the growing pharmacy-like status of many of our local high schools, middle school, and sadly even our elementary schools, and you have a recipe for disaster.
But you can stop it before it even starts.
It starts with you talking to your child(ren) about drugs and alcohol, and your expectations.
And you can never start too early. Your 6-year-old is curious why they see messages on tv and on billboards that tell them drugs are “bad”, but that you have a beer or glass of wine at dinner. It’s OK to explain the differences between occasionally drinking, and using too much. In fact, it’s critical that you answer their questions honestly and openly, so that there is no “mystery”. Mystery causes kids to want to explore. Exploration of drugs and alcohol, at any age, can lead to trouble. But honesty and openness at home, early in your child’s life, can clear up that mystery and diffuse any need or desire to explore.
If you missed out on those conversations with your child, it is OK to start when they are a teen. It’s important that you share your expectations about their behavior when it comes to drugs and alcohol. It’s critical for you to educate them on the hazardous effects of marijuana, alcohol, prescription pills, and all the other drugs that are readily available to them. Let them know that you understand the difficulties of peer pressure, but that you are there to help. Let them know that you even though you are their parent, and not their best-friend, you are still someone they can confide in. Be open and honest about your message on drugs and alcohol. If you don’t, their friends surely will. And the message they give your child may not be the message you want them to receive.
It really starts with a conversation, no matter how old your child is. If they are younger, wait for them to start the conversation. If they are older, you MUST start the conversation with them. Either way, have that conversation, talk to them about it.
Don’t leave it up to me. If they make it to my office for a conversation on drugs or alcohol, it’s not for a good reason. It’s because they were arrested. It’s because they were caught at school and expelled. Or it’s because you already found paraphernalia in their room and don’t know what to do.
You can prevent all of these outcomes by starting a conversation.
Next week, I will write more about how to keep your child safe from drugs. This week, have a conversation.
If you’re how to start that conversation, you can look through previous articles on this website, or download the upcoming free book on the new website (should be live this week). I also encourage you to take a look at www.AboveTheInfluence.com , where I am a featured writer; or www.TheAntiDrug.com , a website specially designed for parents.
Good luck.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Rules for Fair Fighting
Disagreeing, arguing, debating, fighting, bickering, cold-shouldering, compromising, not compromising, call it what you will, it happens in every relationship. Fortunately.
That’s right, arguing is good for every relationship, as long as it is done “correctly” – it can improve the relationship, build consensus, and a focused shared goal in mind, as long as it doesn’t do permanent damage to the relationship.
So, everybody tap gloves, return to your respect corner, and come out swinging.
Here are the rules:
No verbal attacks. Name calling and personal insults will not solve the problem, but they will make it worse – for a long time. The person you are arguing with is NOT the “enemy”. Stick with the facts, and deal with the issue at hand. Although you may be at odds with each other during an argument, you and your partner are still a team. By not saying anything personally insulting you are safeguarding the interests of both of you for the future, rather than trying to win and score points personally.
Own your own feelings – also known as “no YOU statements”. “You” statements are the beginning of a personal attack, and often leave the other person defensive, resulting in another stalemate. What works better is making statements like “I feel …….. when you ……”. This shares the situation from your perspective, states your side of the argument, and is much easier for your partner to hear. Most importantly, it lets your partner know how their actions and behavior impact you – which brings you closer, helps build connection, and can lead to true understanding.
Stick to the point. No disagreement gets solved when ALL the disagreements and injustices from the past two years are brought in to the argument. Stick to the issue at hand, work through to a solution, and then let last year’s issues stay in last year until you have time to focus on it exclusively – you may find that you don’t need to bring it back up, but only use it for “ammunition” in other arguments. That’s cheating. When you focus on only one topic at a time, you can work to a solution and move on; but bringing up multiple old issues or injustices only drags the disagreement out, and will only end in a stalemate.
Be honest. Both partners have to commit to being honest and to the point in a disagreement. Nothing gets solved if you are avoiding the truth, only to let the issues surface again later. Be honest in taking responsibility for your flaws in the situation, and be honest in what you need or are asking for.
Know the difference between “Solvable Problems” and “Perpetual Problems”. Solvable problems like Who Takes Out the Trash and Where are We Spending the Holidays have a solution that can eventually be identified and agreed upon. Perpetual problems like She’s Christian but I’m Atheist or How Much Intimacy is Not Enough don’t have such an easy solution, but may be more emotionally charged. Perpetual problems take more time, care, and attention, and might benefit from professional intervention. Read more about Perpetual Problems in Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Keep it private. Not in front of the kids, or the neighbors, or with friends. It only makes the problem worse.
Keep it brief. Again, you are disagreeing with a friend, partner, or spouse; not an enemy. There is no logical reason to keep it going for days, unless your objective is to punish the one you care about.
Silent treatment / withholding affection & intimacy. Also cheating in a “fair fight”. This prolongs the disagreement, and makes for a new disagreement later on.
Time out. Even boxers get a time out every few minutes. If the argument gets too heated, or if there isn’t a solution in sight, it’s time to take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a 30 minute, or a 30 hour, break to cool down and think through the situation. Saying something like “This is too heated, can we talk about it in an hour?”, or “let’s get back to this tomorrow”, will help preserve the relationship, and give each side a chance to calm down and think through the situation.
Short, sweet, and to the point; not just this list, but also how your disagreements should be handled.
That’s right, arguing is good for every relationship, as long as it is done “correctly” – it can improve the relationship, build consensus, and a focused shared goal in mind, as long as it doesn’t do permanent damage to the relationship.
So, everybody tap gloves, return to your respect corner, and come out swinging.
Here are the rules:
No verbal attacks. Name calling and personal insults will not solve the problem, but they will make it worse – for a long time. The person you are arguing with is NOT the “enemy”. Stick with the facts, and deal with the issue at hand. Although you may be at odds with each other during an argument, you and your partner are still a team. By not saying anything personally insulting you are safeguarding the interests of both of you for the future, rather than trying to win and score points personally.
Own your own feelings – also known as “no YOU statements”. “You” statements are the beginning of a personal attack, and often leave the other person defensive, resulting in another stalemate. What works better is making statements like “I feel …….. when you ……”. This shares the situation from your perspective, states your side of the argument, and is much easier for your partner to hear. Most importantly, it lets your partner know how their actions and behavior impact you – which brings you closer, helps build connection, and can lead to true understanding.
Stick to the point. No disagreement gets solved when ALL the disagreements and injustices from the past two years are brought in to the argument. Stick to the issue at hand, work through to a solution, and then let last year’s issues stay in last year until you have time to focus on it exclusively – you may find that you don’t need to bring it back up, but only use it for “ammunition” in other arguments. That’s cheating. When you focus on only one topic at a time, you can work to a solution and move on; but bringing up multiple old issues or injustices only drags the disagreement out, and will only end in a stalemate.
Be honest. Both partners have to commit to being honest and to the point in a disagreement. Nothing gets solved if you are avoiding the truth, only to let the issues surface again later. Be honest in taking responsibility for your flaws in the situation, and be honest in what you need or are asking for.
Know the difference between “Solvable Problems” and “Perpetual Problems”. Solvable problems like Who Takes Out the Trash and Where are We Spending the Holidays have a solution that can eventually be identified and agreed upon. Perpetual problems like She’s Christian but I’m Atheist or How Much Intimacy is Not Enough don’t have such an easy solution, but may be more emotionally charged. Perpetual problems take more time, care, and attention, and might benefit from professional intervention. Read more about Perpetual Problems in Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Keep it private. Not in front of the kids, or the neighbors, or with friends. It only makes the problem worse.
Keep it brief. Again, you are disagreeing with a friend, partner, or spouse; not an enemy. There is no logical reason to keep it going for days, unless your objective is to punish the one you care about.
Silent treatment / withholding affection & intimacy. Also cheating in a “fair fight”. This prolongs the disagreement, and makes for a new disagreement later on.
Time out. Even boxers get a time out every few minutes. If the argument gets too heated, or if there isn’t a solution in sight, it’s time to take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a 30 minute, or a 30 hour, break to cool down and think through the situation. Saying something like “This is too heated, can we talk about it in an hour?”, or “let’s get back to this tomorrow”, will help preserve the relationship, and give each side a chance to calm down and think through the situation.
Short, sweet, and to the point; not just this list, but also how your disagreements should be handled.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
YOU - The Operator's Manual
“To know oneself is to study oneself…” –Bruce Lee
“Know Thyself” – Socrates
The concept of paying attention to yourself, your thinking, your attitudes, your beliefs, and everything else about YOU is an idea that has been echoed by philosophers and deep thinkers throughout recorded time.
Last week, I wrote about how this one aspect of introspection is helpful in understanding and realizing the meaning in your life.
So how do you do it? It’s easier than you think. Here are a few ways you can the start the process of figuring out the complexities that are YOU.
Breathe
Did you know the act of the breathing is the ONLY biological process that is both automatic AND under our control? Breathing takes care of itself when we are not paying attention to it, but we can also bring it under our conscious control when we want. The act of attending to our breathing and altering it can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
Taking 10-20 minutes each day to engage in deep breathing exercises can relieve anxiety, fight depression, and improve overall health. Deep breathing, meditation, and vocal toning can also give us those few minutes each day to look deeper within ourselves. The fast and simple explanation to do this: sit in a quiet place, set a simple timer that will wake you gently, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose for 7 seconds, breath out through your mouth for 8 seconds, repeat until timer goes off. It’s not easy at first, but it will get easier, as it does you will experience some interesting improvements.
For more on deep breathing and meditation, check out my friend, Sam Boys, book An Ancient Sound for the Present Moment , and look for his new tunes on this site in the next few weeks.
Think
Thinking, somewhat like breathing, can be unconscious or automatic, as well as conscious and focused. Very often, sometimes too often, our unconscious thoughts, those that are the result of everything we take in around us, all the stimulation we experience both known and unknown, are the main focus of our conscious minds. When these unconscious thoughts spend too time in the forefront of our minds, we can experience confusions, disorientation, frustration, and a myriad of other negative experiences.
The answer; spend time in conscious thought. Pay attention to those things going on in your head. Look at what kind of unconscious stimulation enters your mind through the forces, of advertising, marketing, and all the other “noise” that goes on around us. Ponder the questions about YOU:
Who am I? What do / don’t I believe? Why do don’t I believe? Where have I been? What have I experienced? Where am I going? What do I want to accomplish? What is my legacy? Where do I want to be in 5 years? What am I doing to get there? How do my beliefs help me? How do my beliefs hinder me?
There are a lot more to ask yourself, but if you start with these, you might be interested to find out where these questions take you.
Read
Turn off the continual stream of unconscious information entering in to your brain through television, radio, and internet, and focus on a conscious decision to put some particular, specific, and conscious information in your head. Take an active part in what goes in to your mind by doing the work of reading, and stop the flow of passive information – what other people want you to think – for a short time.
Even better, challenge yourself in your reading. If you find through “Thinking”, that you have a particular set of ideas, beliefs, or attitudes, read something that challenges them. If you want to learn more about yourself, pay attention to how you react to information that may differ from what you believe to be true. Are you Christian? Check out some of Richard Dawkins' work like The God Delusion. Evolutionary Theorist or Darwinist? Check out Stephen C. Meyer’s Signature in the Cell: DNA and the Evidence for Intelligent Design. Not sure what you believe yet, take a look at Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything.
Whatever you decide to read, read. Take a look at all the information that enters into your mind from outside sources without your knowledge or will, and make a conscious effort to put something else in there. For more on that idea, I recommend Morgan Spurlock’s upcoming release POM Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.
There are many, many ways to learn about yourself. There are many, many more ways the outside world conspires to keep you from it. You have a choice. You can choose to consciously grow in a direction you design and implement; or you can grow in a way that Facebook, Fox, MSNBC, Coke, Pepsi, Nike, McDonald’s, et al. want you to grow.
(Disclaimer: all links in this article are Amazon affiliate links. If you make a purchase using any of these links, Amazon pays A New Direction Counseling a percentage of the sale.)
“Know Thyself” – Socrates
The concept of paying attention to yourself, your thinking, your attitudes, your beliefs, and everything else about YOU is an idea that has been echoed by philosophers and deep thinkers throughout recorded time.
Last week, I wrote about how this one aspect of introspection is helpful in understanding and realizing the meaning in your life.
So how do you do it? It’s easier than you think. Here are a few ways you can the start the process of figuring out the complexities that are YOU.
Breathe
Did you know the act of the breathing is the ONLY biological process that is both automatic AND under our control? Breathing takes care of itself when we are not paying attention to it, but we can also bring it under our conscious control when we want. The act of attending to our breathing and altering it can have a profound impact on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
Taking 10-20 minutes each day to engage in deep breathing exercises can relieve anxiety, fight depression, and improve overall health. Deep breathing, meditation, and vocal toning can also give us those few minutes each day to look deeper within ourselves. The fast and simple explanation to do this: sit in a quiet place, set a simple timer that will wake you gently, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose for 7 seconds, breath out through your mouth for 8 seconds, repeat until timer goes off. It’s not easy at first, but it will get easier, as it does you will experience some interesting improvements.
For more on deep breathing and meditation, check out my friend, Sam Boys, book An Ancient Sound for the Present Moment , and look for his new tunes on this site in the next few weeks.
Think
Thinking, somewhat like breathing, can be unconscious or automatic, as well as conscious and focused. Very often, sometimes too often, our unconscious thoughts, those that are the result of everything we take in around us, all the stimulation we experience both known and unknown, are the main focus of our conscious minds. When these unconscious thoughts spend too time in the forefront of our minds, we can experience confusions, disorientation, frustration, and a myriad of other negative experiences.
The answer; spend time in conscious thought. Pay attention to those things going on in your head. Look at what kind of unconscious stimulation enters your mind through the forces, of advertising, marketing, and all the other “noise” that goes on around us. Ponder the questions about YOU:
Who am I? What do / don’t I believe? Why do don’t I believe? Where have I been? What have I experienced? Where am I going? What do I want to accomplish? What is my legacy? Where do I want to be in 5 years? What am I doing to get there? How do my beliefs help me? How do my beliefs hinder me?
There are a lot more to ask yourself, but if you start with these, you might be interested to find out where these questions take you.
Read
Turn off the continual stream of unconscious information entering in to your brain through television, radio, and internet, and focus on a conscious decision to put some particular, specific, and conscious information in your head. Take an active part in what goes in to your mind by doing the work of reading, and stop the flow of passive information – what other people want you to think – for a short time.
Even better, challenge yourself in your reading. If you find through “Thinking”, that you have a particular set of ideas, beliefs, or attitudes, read something that challenges them. If you want to learn more about yourself, pay attention to how you react to information that may differ from what you believe to be true. Are you Christian? Check out some of Richard Dawkins' work like The God Delusion. Evolutionary Theorist or Darwinist? Check out Stephen C. Meyer’s Signature in the Cell: DNA and the Evidence for Intelligent Design. Not sure what you believe yet, take a look at Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything.
Whatever you decide to read, read. Take a look at all the information that enters into your mind from outside sources without your knowledge or will, and make a conscious effort to put something else in there. For more on that idea, I recommend Morgan Spurlock’s upcoming release POM Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.
There are many, many ways to learn about yourself. There are many, many more ways the outside world conspires to keep you from it. You have a choice. You can choose to consciously grow in a direction you design and implement; or you can grow in a way that Facebook, Fox, MSNBC, Coke, Pepsi, Nike, McDonald’s, et al. want you to grow.
(Disclaimer: all links in this article are Amazon affiliate links. If you make a purchase using any of these links, Amazon pays A New Direction Counseling a percentage of the sale.)
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Meaning of Life
I think I had it figured out. I had the Meaning of Life in the palm of my hands, or in some deep recesses of my brain. And, of course, like all fleeting flashes of brilliance, it disappeared just as easily as it had appeared.
I don’t have the meaning of life ready for you today, but I’ve got some ideas that might help you figure it out for yourself.
I’ve been struck many of times over the past few weeks to evaluate and re-evaluate my life; who I am, what I do, where I am going.
Big birthdays, important anniversaries, family reunions, get-togethers with friends - just a few things that can cause you to stop to take notice.
It caused me to take some time to ponder some deep questions.
Sadly, it never ceases to amaze me how many people I know who say they don’t have time for that in their week. That life is too busy to take time for themselves. I used to feel sad for those people, until I realized I was one of them.
A famous philosopher once said something along the lines of, “an unexamined life is not worth living”…
Actually, it’s been quite a few philosophers, poets, writers, scientists, and psychologists who have said something along these lines over the past few thousand years of recorded history.
I think they may be on to something. And I think in our age of multiple distractions and plentiful “apps” to take you your time, we may be missing out on the simple act of spending time with our selves.
Do you take the time to think about your life?
Do you think about where you are, where you’ve been, and almost as importantly, where you are going?
Regardless of your religious, spiritual, political, or ethical beliefs, there is a lot of benefit to examining who you are, what you do, what you think and believe, WHY you think and believe, and where you are going.
Have you taken the time to do that lately?
Do you know how to go about the process?
I want to leave you this week with just the idea of taking some time to think about yourself, whatever that might mean to you. I am hopeful that just in drawing attention to the idea, maybe you will be attentive to whether or not you do it, and just how much time you might give to it. Take some time, even if it is only a few minutes each day, to think about YOU. Who are you? Where do you come from? Who are you today? Does it match who you thought you would be? Does it fit who you want to be? Are you “happy”? Just what the heck does “happy” mean?
There are a lot of questions you can ask yourself.
In the next article, I will share with you some other ideas in introspection and why it’s good for you.
I don’t have the meaning of life ready for you today, but I’ve got some ideas that might help you figure it out for yourself.
I’ve been struck many of times over the past few weeks to evaluate and re-evaluate my life; who I am, what I do, where I am going.
Big birthdays, important anniversaries, family reunions, get-togethers with friends - just a few things that can cause you to stop to take notice.
It caused me to take some time to ponder some deep questions.
Sadly, it never ceases to amaze me how many people I know who say they don’t have time for that in their week. That life is too busy to take time for themselves. I used to feel sad for those people, until I realized I was one of them.
A famous philosopher once said something along the lines of, “an unexamined life is not worth living”…
Actually, it’s been quite a few philosophers, poets, writers, scientists, and psychologists who have said something along these lines over the past few thousand years of recorded history.
I think they may be on to something. And I think in our age of multiple distractions and plentiful “apps” to take you your time, we may be missing out on the simple act of spending time with our selves.
Do you take the time to think about your life?
Do you think about where you are, where you’ve been, and almost as importantly, where you are going?
Regardless of your religious, spiritual, political, or ethical beliefs, there is a lot of benefit to examining who you are, what you do, what you think and believe, WHY you think and believe, and where you are going.
Have you taken the time to do that lately?
Do you know how to go about the process?
I want to leave you this week with just the idea of taking some time to think about yourself, whatever that might mean to you. I am hopeful that just in drawing attention to the idea, maybe you will be attentive to whether or not you do it, and just how much time you might give to it. Take some time, even if it is only a few minutes each day, to think about YOU. Who are you? Where do you come from? Who are you today? Does it match who you thought you would be? Does it fit who you want to be? Are you “happy”? Just what the heck does “happy” mean?
There are a lot of questions you can ask yourself.
In the next article, I will share with you some other ideas in introspection and why it’s good for you.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Overcoming Adversity - Women's Style
I was fully prepared to share with you the “Meaning of Life” and all the extraneous information that goes along with solving that Great Mystery – I think I got it all figured out. But then the United States Women’s Soccer Team entered into my life and changed all that.
Actually, I’ve been paying fairly close attention to the team lately, as the Women’s World Cup has been happening in Germany over the past few weeks. It’s a pretty big deal. As a part-time soccer coach for young girls, I feel like it’s a REALLY big deal. I understand if you are not as excited. Not everyone gets in to the sport, but they have some pretty amazing lessons to share.
Did you see yesterday’s game?! It was pretty phenomenal. This National team has something to share with all of us about overcoming adversity.
Let me give you a brief synopsis of the team’s performance, and we will see what applies to the rest of us.
Within the first two minutes the Women’s Team scored on Brazil, a formidable foe – a soccer great. This is a virtually unheard of feat. In a game where 1-0 is a sufficient final score, our team was already up on the opponent with 88 minutes to go in the game.
Of course, things changed. Although, it didn’t happened until well into the second half. For 45 minutes, the entire first half, the team prevented the Brazilian’s from scoring with hard work and tenacity. For those of you doing the math, these women sprint the field back-and-forth, up-and-down, for 90 minutes total; most of them play the entire game. Physical and mental fitness is a prerequisite.
Around the 70th minute, well into the second half, and almost within reach of the prize – moving on to the semifinals – the Brazilian’s scored on a series that will be contested for quite a while. In all honesty, it was garbage. The referees banished one of the American players from the game on a “questionable” call, and awarded a free shot on goal to the opposition. The room was tense. The American’s would have to play the rest of the game with one less player as consequence for the foul she committed, and the Brazilian’s were awarded with a free shot at the goal.
The Brazilian player stood in front of the ball, staring through it and looking to intimidate the American goalie. The American goalie warmed up, jumped, danced, and attempted to prognosticate where the shot was going to go. The Brazilian player struck the ball. It zoomed towards the right upper corner. The American goalie dove skyward towards to point of attack and punched the ball out of range – IT WAS A SAVE!!!
BUT WAIT….. NOOOOO! ANOTHER BAD CALL!!! The referee decided that the American goalie had moved to early awarded the Brazilian’s another attempt at a free score!! Another botched call!!! (not my words, but even the objective foreign announcers!) The American goalie had saved the day, but now she had to face her foe again, on a call that was quite obviously WRONG and UNFAIR.
Of course, the Brazilian striker achieved the next goal.
Game tied 1-1.
The game goes into overtime, as so many of our struggles in life do.
Minutes in to overtime, The Brazilians score on what seems to be ANOTHER BAD CALL (again, admitted by the objective commentator, AS WELL as the group this writer was watching with). The American Team just can’t catch a break. They are working harder than the other team, they are doing more, but nothing is going their way.
Game score 2-1, in favor of the opposition. America’s hopes of advancing to the semi-finals seems all but hopeless. The first half of overtime is finished. The Women of the American team have been sprinting for 105 minutes of intense battle. They continue on into the 2nd half of overtime. They do battle for 14 ½ minutes of extra-effort; for a total of 119 ½ minutes of sprinting, juking, dribbling, and shooting. By now, it seems hopeless. The hope for another World Cup Championship (our first since 1999) are all but over. The announcers know it to be true, the fans know it to be true, and the crowd at the stadium know it to be true.
Apparently, the United States Women’s National Soccer Team didn’t think it was true. They played on.
With less the 30 seconds to go in the game, the women running doggedly around the field, trying to break through the defense of the opposition, they FINALLY come up with THE PLAY!!! From across the field the striker hopefully blasts the ball into scoring position and YES it is headed into the goal by another AMERICAN PLAYER!!! GOAL!!!!!!! The crowd erupts!! THE GAME IS TIED!!! Less than seconds to go and the Americans have rescued their hopes from the ashes of defeat!!! It is a finale to defy the ages!!
Of course, there is more to come. With the score tied, the opponent and, apparently, the referees , out to see their demise, the American Women enter a shoot-out. One on one, shooter against goalie. One by one, the American’s shoot at the Brazilian goalie and score. One by one, the Brazilian shooters strike at the American goalie and score. All except one. In a brilliant display of individual effort, the American goalie forecasts where the shooter will try to place the ball, she lunges out to deflect and makes just enough contact to push away from the goal. The American Women WIN THE GAME IN A SHOOT OUT!!!!!
One of the most spectacular wins in any sport. Ever. Did you see it? It’s OK, not many people did. The team moves on to the Semi-Finals this Wednesday. But more importantly, their victory has a lot to do with you.
Have you ever fought a battle against insurmountable odds?
Have you ever felt like, no matter how hard you tried, no matter what you did was met with resistance from not only the foreseeable opponent, but also from opposition far outside your control?
Did you ever feel like even the authority figures in your life who are supposed to make things “fair” are out to get you?
Did you ever feel like no matter how hard you sprint, how hard you trained, how hard you worked, that you weren’t going to be victorious?
Did you come through to victory? Did you win?
Battles like this happen in each of our lives every day. Our training, our planning, the work we do, and the support we have in our team; all factors in what pulls us through.
If you feel your life is out of control and you can’t get it back on track, there is hope.
If you feel your marriage is unable to be saved; that you can’t work hard enough to make it right, it can improve.
If you think your situation is impossible to overcome, that you cannot achieve victory, you are wrong. You can pull victory out of the clutches of defeat. The American Women’s National Soccer Team has shown us tenacity and grace in the jaws of futility. Emulate that tenacity and grace in your life.
Hope is THE factor that can pull us through. Combine hope, belief, and faith with a tenacity to see the situation through to victory and YOU WILL win.
Find your hope. Do the hard work of training. Find your team.
See yourself through to victory.
After watching that game, I believe it may be as simple as that.
If you need help, there are plenty of ‘coaches’ out there. If you need a team, there are people who are willing to work with you. Don’t do it alone.
Photo Credit : AP image / Jens Meyer
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence Day Every Day
Barbeques, fireworks, back-yard bashes, friends and family – today we celebrate the gift our forefathers gave us with their blood, sweat, and hard work.
Because of their bravery, struggles, and sacrifice, we have been blessed with the ideal of equality, and that we have be endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.
And because of the hard work and dedication of the men and women of our Armed Forces, we are afforded the opportunity to exercise these rights, responsibilities, and freedoms every day.
How do you exercise your independence every day? Do you allow yourself the freedom to make the choices, or are you taxed by your own history, or past poor decisions?
Do you live your life according to an understanding of your self, and who you are; or are you burdened by the circumstances of your past, your childhood, or your family?
Are you living an active and healthy lifestyle, or are you taxed by excess weight and unhealthy eating habits?
Do you enjoy the freedom and blessing of a rewarding and enjoyable career, or are you bogged down with “having to go work” and stressed with the idea of returning to work for The Boss after every holiday?
Are you free to feel, act, and think in healthy and creative ways, or are you taxed by depression, anxiety, stress, or over-medication?
The list could go on; but it is up to you to consider. Do you enjoy the blessings our forefathers fought to bestow upon us in every way you can, or are there areas that you could improve? Just as the Patriots of the American Revolution fought to improve their lives and their situations, it is up to you today do to the same thing.
Because of their bravery, struggles, and sacrifice, we have been blessed with the ideal of equality, and that we have be endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.
And because of the hard work and dedication of the men and women of our Armed Forces, we are afforded the opportunity to exercise these rights, responsibilities, and freedoms every day.
How do you exercise your independence every day? Do you allow yourself the freedom to make the choices, or are you taxed by your own history, or past poor decisions?
Do you live your life according to an understanding of your self, and who you are; or are you burdened by the circumstances of your past, your childhood, or your family?
Are you living an active and healthy lifestyle, or are you taxed by excess weight and unhealthy eating habits?
Do you enjoy the freedom and blessing of a rewarding and enjoyable career, or are you bogged down with “having to go work” and stressed with the idea of returning to work for The Boss after every holiday?
Are you free to feel, act, and think in healthy and creative ways, or are you taxed by depression, anxiety, stress, or over-medication?
The list could go on; but it is up to you to consider. Do you enjoy the blessings our forefathers fought to bestow upon us in every way you can, or are there areas that you could improve? Just as the Patriots of the American Revolution fought to improve their lives and their situations, it is up to you today do to the same thing.
Monday, June 27, 2011
America, We have a Problem
…And by the looks of it, it is out of control. Sadly, this graphic is not a surprise to me. I see the repercussions of this situation all too often. It is a huge frustration, and a constant source of extra work I have to do in my office before I am able to truly help someone.
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Let me tell you a little bit about what this chart represents, and why it’s a problem. Take a closer look here, as you might not catch all the details.
As you can see at the top, in the year this data represents, 2009; “doctors wrote more psychiatric prescriptions than there are people in this country.” Apparently, we all need a pill to set our minds right.
On the lower left, you will notice that $4.5 billion was spent on pharmaceutical advertising in 2009. $4.5 BILLION!!! Why do you think that is? It is estimated that the alcohol industry ‘only’ spends an estimated $750 million each year. If these drugs are meant to be selected and offered only in very specific situations, why should they be marketed so heavily? SO YOU WILL BUY THEM.
If you look to the right of the chart, you see the list of what these substances are meant to treat – EACH ONE of those diagnoses have been found through empirical scientific research to respond best with a COMBINATION of medication and some form of talk therapy (except fibromyalgia, which has pain management therapy), but how many of the people receiving these prescriptions receive a referral for the help they require to get better?
In fact, anxiety, depression, “panic”, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD can reach a point of improvement through psychotherapy, within a relatively short amount of time; less than 1 year in most cases, that medication CAN BE DISCONTINUED. Yet, all too often patients are kept on medication far past a year, long after the positive effects have lost their strength.
The facts that really drive me up the wall, the ideas that really just push my buttons and just tick me off: the three substances used for “A” and “P” – anxiety and panic. If you are being treated for these diagnoses, or know somebody who is, please take a moment to read my rant on it.
Anxiety and panic disorder medications – Xanax, Ativan, and Valium are CONTRA-INDICATED for the treatment of anxiety and panic disorders. That means they have been proven NOT to work time and time again. So much so, that not only can you find it in medical, psychiatric, and psychological journals, but in undergraduate level textbooks – the one form of documentation slowest to change! All the research and teaching states that these medications DO NOT WORK to treat anxiety and panic, so why are they two out of the top three mediations prescribed nationally?!
Panic and anxiety are best treated using a variety of thought changing techniques to alter patterns of behavior and the client’s anxious/panic reactions. Have you ever tried one of these substances? For most people, it is difficult to HAVE a thought while under the influence of these, much less work on changing thoughts. These substances act by numbing the entire central nervous system, brain to spinal cord, often freeing the patient from anxiety by making them unconscious, or so sleepy they can’t think straight. This is not a “treatment”, it is knocking the person out so that they don’t worry.
Just like any substance we use over extended periods of time, our body builds up a tolerance to these substances. The effectiveness at the begin doseage wears off, so that the patient needs more to have the same effect. Over years, this becomes extremely dangerous, and has the potential to turn in to addiction.
There are so many “other” and “better” opportunities to help these situations, we don’t have to be a nation of drug users.
If you are receiving medication for any of the concerns listed on this chart, make sure you are talking to your doctor about when to get off the medication – none of these should be a life-sentence. Better yet, if you or anyone you know is taking these meds, talk about the idea of getting help outside of the pill.
As you can see at the top, in the year this data represents, 2009; “doctors wrote more psychiatric prescriptions than there are people in this country.” Apparently, we all need a pill to set our minds right.
On the lower left, you will notice that $4.5 billion was spent on pharmaceutical advertising in 2009. $4.5 BILLION!!! Why do you think that is? It is estimated that the alcohol industry ‘only’ spends an estimated $750 million each year. If these drugs are meant to be selected and offered only in very specific situations, why should they be marketed so heavily? SO YOU WILL BUY THEM.
If you look to the right of the chart, you see the list of what these substances are meant to treat – EACH ONE of those diagnoses have been found through empirical scientific research to respond best with a COMBINATION of medication and some form of talk therapy (except fibromyalgia, which has pain management therapy), but how many of the people receiving these prescriptions receive a referral for the help they require to get better?
In fact, anxiety, depression, “panic”, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and PTSD can reach a point of improvement through psychotherapy, within a relatively short amount of time; less than 1 year in most cases, that medication CAN BE DISCONTINUED. Yet, all too often patients are kept on medication far past a year, long after the positive effects have lost their strength.
The facts that really drive me up the wall, the ideas that really just push my buttons and just tick me off: the three substances used for “A” and “P” – anxiety and panic. If you are being treated for these diagnoses, or know somebody who is, please take a moment to read my rant on it.
Anxiety and panic disorder medications – Xanax, Ativan, and Valium are CONTRA-INDICATED for the treatment of anxiety and panic disorders. That means they have been proven NOT to work time and time again. So much so, that not only can you find it in medical, psychiatric, and psychological journals, but in undergraduate level textbooks – the one form of documentation slowest to change! All the research and teaching states that these medications DO NOT WORK to treat anxiety and panic, so why are they two out of the top three mediations prescribed nationally?!
Panic and anxiety are best treated using a variety of thought changing techniques to alter patterns of behavior and the client’s anxious/panic reactions. Have you ever tried one of these substances? For most people, it is difficult to HAVE a thought while under the influence of these, much less work on changing thoughts. These substances act by numbing the entire central nervous system, brain to spinal cord, often freeing the patient from anxiety by making them unconscious, or so sleepy they can’t think straight. This is not a “treatment”, it is knocking the person out so that they don’t worry.
Just like any substance we use over extended periods of time, our body builds up a tolerance to these substances. The effectiveness at the begin doseage wears off, so that the patient needs more to have the same effect. Over years, this becomes extremely dangerous, and has the potential to turn in to addiction.
There are so many “other” and “better” opportunities to help these situations, we don’t have to be a nation of drug users.
If you are receiving medication for any of the concerns listed on this chart, make sure you are talking to your doctor about when to get off the medication – none of these should be a life-sentence. Better yet, if you or anyone you know is taking these meds, talk about the idea of getting help outside of the pill.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Are You Striving or Status Quo?
We can get pretty caught up in our classification of each other from time to time – race, culture, age, gender, occupation, cheese pizza or supreme.
On any given day, I can lump all of humanity into just two catergories:
The Strivers and The Status Quo.
The Status Quo can typically be found on the couch, playing video games, complaining about work while not doing anything to improve it. They have a vast collection of movies, DVR’d shows, Netflix channels, and satellite tv stations, all existing on one gargantuan media center (“television”).
Strivers are characterized by constantly moving about from project to project, idea to idea, and having far more goals than they can achieve. They can be overheard loudly talking about their last great adventure, business venture, or night out, or they are planning their next one. They are often defined as “ADHD” or “Type A”.
The funny thing is, we are all BOTH Strivers and Status Quo. I guess I am wrong to characterize these as categories – not very therapist-like of me – they are more like two ends of a spectrum:
Striving……………………..Middle…………………………Status Quo
As I think about it, we all seem to fluctuate back and forth on. Just like any spectrum, going too far to one extreme and staying there for too long can be dangerous or unhealthy. Never moving from a particular spot on the spectrum can boring for you, and tiring some for those around you.
So where are you on that spectrum? Where are you today, where are you this year, and where do you WANT to be on it?
What are you going to do about it?
Me, I love striving. I’m a big fan of getting out there and DOING something with my family, my health, and my career. Racing, hiking, writing, DOING things. New things, different things, setting goals and moving forward. But I sure do enjoy falling into the couch to play a good round of mindless video games for an hour or two (3….maybe 4… hopefully never more than 4….). And I have NO PROBLEMS hanging up the hammock and disappearing into it for a few hours, if I’m allowed to.
I am, by no means, perfectly balanced in this spectrum. I find myself going to far to either end from time to time, and it takes a bit of encourage to find my way back. The important thing is to find your way back. To set some goals, but allow time to relax.
How do you manage this see-saw?
If you need help Striving, check out the works of Seth Godin and Hugh MacLeod, two of my favorites over the past few years.
If you need help relaxing with the Status Quo, there is no better teacher than “The Dude”, the anti-hero from The Big Lebowski who sparked an entire ‘religion’ around relaxing.
Where ever you find yourself on the spectrum on any given day, I hope it suits you. If it doesn’t, do something to change it. If you can’t do something about it, talk to somebody who can help you do something about it.
On any given day, I can lump all of humanity into just two catergories:
The Strivers and The Status Quo.
The Status Quo can typically be found on the couch, playing video games, complaining about work while not doing anything to improve it. They have a vast collection of movies, DVR’d shows, Netflix channels, and satellite tv stations, all existing on one gargantuan media center (“television”).
Strivers are characterized by constantly moving about from project to project, idea to idea, and having far more goals than they can achieve. They can be overheard loudly talking about their last great adventure, business venture, or night out, or they are planning their next one. They are often defined as “ADHD” or “Type A”.
The funny thing is, we are all BOTH Strivers and Status Quo. I guess I am wrong to characterize these as categories – not very therapist-like of me – they are more like two ends of a spectrum:
Striving……………………..Middle…………………………Status Quo
As I think about it, we all seem to fluctuate back and forth on. Just like any spectrum, going too far to one extreme and staying there for too long can be dangerous or unhealthy. Never moving from a particular spot on the spectrum can boring for you, and tiring some for those around you.
So where are you on that spectrum? Where are you today, where are you this year, and where do you WANT to be on it?
What are you going to do about it?
Me, I love striving. I’m a big fan of getting out there and DOING something with my family, my health, and my career. Racing, hiking, writing, DOING things. New things, different things, setting goals and moving forward. But I sure do enjoy falling into the couch to play a good round of mindless video games for an hour or two (3….maybe 4… hopefully never more than 4….). And I have NO PROBLEMS hanging up the hammock and disappearing into it for a few hours, if I’m allowed to.
I am, by no means, perfectly balanced in this spectrum. I find myself going to far to either end from time to time, and it takes a bit of encourage to find my way back. The important thing is to find your way back. To set some goals, but allow time to relax.
How do you manage this see-saw?
If you need help Striving, check out the works of Seth Godin and Hugh MacLeod, two of my favorites over the past few years.
If you need help relaxing with the Status Quo, there is no better teacher than “The Dude”, the anti-hero from The Big Lebowski who sparked an entire ‘religion’ around relaxing.
Where ever you find yourself on the spectrum on any given day, I hope it suits you. If it doesn’t, do something to change it. If you can’t do something about it, talk to somebody who can help you do something about it.
Monday, June 13, 2011
How Do You Feel Love?
Several weeks ago, The Terminator inspired a few articles on preserving, protecting, and improving your marriage. This week, I wanted to share with you one final resource in that work. This book and Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work that I wrote about last week sit side-by-side in my office, as they go together very well to prevent marriage difficulties, or to help solve them when they arise.
Gary Chapman has written several helpful books for couples, families, and parents based on the same principle, The Five Love Languages. These are EXTREMELY helpful books to take a look at before marriage, during the good times or rough times of marriage, and when it comes to raising children.
I will share with you the basic premises of the book, but I encourage you to pick up a copy and keep it on hand as a reference throughout your family life.
The basic premise is that we all have a “love bank” or bucket that our spouses or family members either deposit into or make withdrawals from. Making frequent deposits results in an abundant, happy, and healthy family life and marriage; too many withdrawals and your account will be overdrawn.
The trick from Chapman’s point of view is that we all experience and express love in different ways based upon our family of origin, what we were taught about love, our personal preferences, and a host of other variables. If we express love in a way that is different from the way our spouse feels love, then we have a disconnect – even though you might be trying your hardest to express your love, your spouse might not feel it, because they experience love in a “different language”.
The goal then is to understand what language both you and your spouse (or children) feel and experience love, and how to step outside what may be your normal expression of love to meet their needs.
Fortunately, the Chapman books break this down into FIVE easy to understand ‘love languages’, and provide a few different inventories to see which language is yours.
His five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation – giving and receiving words of kindness and encouragement
- Quality Time – not just spending time together, but being fully present
- Receiving Gifts – as simple as it sounds, but hard to get right
- Acts of Service helping out, finishing the ‘honey-do’ list, making the coffee
- Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, high-fives, intimacy
Looking at these written here, they appear very basic, almost simple to do. But it’s not always that easy. It takes hard work and insight for us to understand our significant others primary love language, and then a committed effort to act in that manner to express our affection.
If you can identify your primary love language, and your spouses, you are half way there. But it takes time and perseverance to learn how to express your love in a way they will feel it most. Keep at it. If you need a little help, I highly recommend taking a look at the book, and reviewing it as much as possible.
Gary Chapman has written several helpful books for couples, families, and parents based on the same principle, The Five Love Languages. These are EXTREMELY helpful books to take a look at before marriage, during the good times or rough times of marriage, and when it comes to raising children.
I will share with you the basic premises of the book, but I encourage you to pick up a copy and keep it on hand as a reference throughout your family life.
The basic premise is that we all have a “love bank” or bucket that our spouses or family members either deposit into or make withdrawals from. Making frequent deposits results in an abundant, happy, and healthy family life and marriage; too many withdrawals and your account will be overdrawn.
The trick from Chapman’s point of view is that we all experience and express love in different ways based upon our family of origin, what we were taught about love, our personal preferences, and a host of other variables. If we express love in a way that is different from the way our spouse feels love, then we have a disconnect – even though you might be trying your hardest to express your love, your spouse might not feel it, because they experience love in a “different language”.
The goal then is to understand what language both you and your spouse (or children) feel and experience love, and how to step outside what may be your normal expression of love to meet their needs.
Fortunately, the Chapman books break this down into FIVE easy to understand ‘love languages’, and provide a few different inventories to see which language is yours.
His five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation – giving and receiving words of kindness and encouragement
- Quality Time – not just spending time together, but being fully present
- Receiving Gifts – as simple as it sounds, but hard to get right
- Acts of Service helping out, finishing the ‘honey-do’ list, making the coffee
- Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, high-fives, intimacy
Looking at these written here, they appear very basic, almost simple to do. But it’s not always that easy. It takes hard work and insight for us to understand our significant others primary love language, and then a committed effort to act in that manner to express our affection.
If you can identify your primary love language, and your spouses, you are half way there. But it takes time and perseverance to learn how to express your love in a way they will feel it most. Keep at it. If you need a little help, I highly recommend taking a look at the book, and reviewing it as much as possible.
Monday, June 6, 2011
7 Principles for Making Marriage Work - A Review
Can you believe it only takes seven steps?
This is not my title, not my idea, but that of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They have been researching couples, their communication, and relationships for quite a while now. I’ve enjoyed the Gottman collection of works in my own married life for quite a while, and I have prescribed this particular volume for most couples I work with. Not only is it a great reference with empirically based suggestions, but it also works to give us a common language to discuss common difficulties most couples are confronted with at some point.
I wanted to introduce this work to you in more depth and share some of it’s teachings. You can use some of these as a defense against issues getting worse, or you can use them to work your way out of relationship pitfalls. If these concepts resonate with you, click on the link and pick up a copy for yourself, or for someone you think might benefit from it.
The Seven Principles are fairly basic, but require a consider amount of work to put into place. Therefore, each one comes with a list of suggested exercise to engage in.
I will warn you, as I do everyone I recommend this book to, the first three chapters can be quite abysmal and depressing. They highlight Gottman’s technique for “predicting divorce” and suggest several obstacles, or “The Four Horsemen”, of relationship destruction. If you can get past these first three and digest what they have to offer, then begin the exercises, you will be well on your way.
Principle One is “Enhance Your Love Maps”; or what I like to think of as getting to know each other again, and again, and again. It is amazing how relationships change over the course of years. What might be even more amazing is the amount of people who don’t expect them to change and are blindsided by it. We need to continually get to know our significant other through talking, dating, and engaging in connecting activities. There is a great exercise at the end of this chapter that simply involves asking each other questions and finding out what you don’t know about your spouse.
Principal Two is about continuing to grow closer, and is titled Nurture Your Fondness and admiration. This principal offers steps to continue to build appreciation in your relationship so that it doesn’t face too much challenge. It is really about looking deeply to find what you like, admire, and appreciate about your significant other.
Principal Three suggests that we Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away. Another, more common way to state this is to WORK WITH your partner, rather than against. But in the daily struggles and trials of work, relationships, parenting, etc; it can be very difficult to engage in that behavior consistently. This principal suggests we think of our relationship as having an “emotional bank account” (a common concept in marriage books and theory) that we must continually make more deposits than withdrawals.
Principal Four, a tough one for us men, is to Let Your Partner Influence You. This concept suggests that we continue to increase our connectedness, admiration, appreciation, and emotional bank account simply by allowing ourselves to be influenced by our spouses thoughts and feelings, especially when it comes to critical decisions.
Principals Five and Six get right to the heart of most problems – conflict, disagreement, discord – whatever you want to call it, these two principals deal with identifying a relationships “Solvable Problems” and determining how to “Overcome Gridlock” of those problems that may not be solvable. If you find yourself able to do these two things well in your relationship, you are ahead of the game. If not, these two chapters will be worth their weight in gold.
Finally, Principal Seven, the ‘fun’ Principal, is about “Creating Shared Meaning” in your relationship. In order for a relationship to continue to be healthy and to flourish, the people in the relationship need to share commons goals and meaning in their individual lives, and as a couple. This final part of the book offers suggestions on what to do to get to that shared meaning.
I find myself ‘prescribing’ this book more and more lately. Therefore, I thought it might be helpful if I offered a synopsis on why I have found it so helpful, and why so many couple I have worked with have benefitted from it.
This can be a great resource to prevent certain pitfalls in relationships, and even more so, can help you get out of trouble spots when they occur. If you think you might benefit, if there is the slightest tinge in the back of your mind, I highly encourage you to pick up a copy.
You can find out more about the book, or order your copy here:
This is not my title, not my idea, but that of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They have been researching couples, their communication, and relationships for quite a while now. I’ve enjoyed the Gottman collection of works in my own married life for quite a while, and I have prescribed this particular volume for most couples I work with. Not only is it a great reference with empirically based suggestions, but it also works to give us a common language to discuss common difficulties most couples are confronted with at some point.
I wanted to introduce this work to you in more depth and share some of it’s teachings. You can use some of these as a defense against issues getting worse, or you can use them to work your way out of relationship pitfalls. If these concepts resonate with you, click on the link and pick up a copy for yourself, or for someone you think might benefit from it.
The Seven Principles are fairly basic, but require a consider amount of work to put into place. Therefore, each one comes with a list of suggested exercise to engage in.
I will warn you, as I do everyone I recommend this book to, the first three chapters can be quite abysmal and depressing. They highlight Gottman’s technique for “predicting divorce” and suggest several obstacles, or “The Four Horsemen”, of relationship destruction. If you can get past these first three and digest what they have to offer, then begin the exercises, you will be well on your way.
Principle One is “Enhance Your Love Maps”; or what I like to think of as getting to know each other again, and again, and again. It is amazing how relationships change over the course of years. What might be even more amazing is the amount of people who don’t expect them to change and are blindsided by it. We need to continually get to know our significant other through talking, dating, and engaging in connecting activities. There is a great exercise at the end of this chapter that simply involves asking each other questions and finding out what you don’t know about your spouse.
Principal Two is about continuing to grow closer, and is titled Nurture Your Fondness and admiration. This principal offers steps to continue to build appreciation in your relationship so that it doesn’t face too much challenge. It is really about looking deeply to find what you like, admire, and appreciate about your significant other.
Principal Three suggests that we Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away. Another, more common way to state this is to WORK WITH your partner, rather than against. But in the daily struggles and trials of work, relationships, parenting, etc; it can be very difficult to engage in that behavior consistently. This principal suggests we think of our relationship as having an “emotional bank account” (a common concept in marriage books and theory) that we must continually make more deposits than withdrawals.
Principal Four, a tough one for us men, is to Let Your Partner Influence You. This concept suggests that we continue to increase our connectedness, admiration, appreciation, and emotional bank account simply by allowing ourselves to be influenced by our spouses thoughts and feelings, especially when it comes to critical decisions.
Principals Five and Six get right to the heart of most problems – conflict, disagreement, discord – whatever you want to call it, these two principals deal with identifying a relationships “Solvable Problems” and determining how to “Overcome Gridlock” of those problems that may not be solvable. If you find yourself able to do these two things well in your relationship, you are ahead of the game. If not, these two chapters will be worth their weight in gold.
Finally, Principal Seven, the ‘fun’ Principal, is about “Creating Shared Meaning” in your relationship. In order for a relationship to continue to be healthy and to flourish, the people in the relationship need to share commons goals and meaning in their individual lives, and as a couple. This final part of the book offers suggestions on what to do to get to that shared meaning.
I find myself ‘prescribing’ this book more and more lately. Therefore, I thought it might be helpful if I offered a synopsis on why I have found it so helpful, and why so many couple I have worked with have benefitted from it.
This can be a great resource to prevent certain pitfalls in relationships, and even more so, can help you get out of trouble spots when they occur. If you think you might benefit, if there is the slightest tinge in the back of your mind, I highly encourage you to pick up a copy.
You can find out more about the book, or order your copy here:
Monday, May 30, 2011
6 Steps to Talk Through Your Problems
In my last article I talked about all those important relationship issues that need to be addressed through the course of a relationship – money, chores, sex, children, work, play… the list goes on and on. Agreeing to spend even a minute bit of time with another person requires agreement, compromise, and understanding of expectations. Committing to spending your life with another person requires any exponentially greater amount of these qualities.
How do you get there?
Communication. Healthy, positive, effective communication focused on working through issues and coming to agreement, even if the agreement is simply to peacefully disagree.
So if your communication isn’t quite healthy, positive, and effective, here are a few tips taken right out of the texts for Counseling 101, Couples 201, and Don’t Drive Your Significant Other Crazy 401 (advanced class).
These are all fairly basic tips that are easy to implement. However, in our modern times, they have seemed to diminish considerably in our interactions with each other. Try these in your next disagreement/argument/discussion.
Turn off the tv, put down the paper, close your laptop, put your phone out of reach. The bottom line here is to put away any distractions and focus intently on what the other person has to say. This goes for your spouse, significant other, coworkers, and even your children. If you are going to take the time to enter into a discussion with someone, do it wholeheartedly.
Eye contact. Let the person know you are paying attention by looking at them – this is considerably easier when you adhere to tip #1.
Listen. Who ever thought one word could be so hard? It is though. We are hard-wired to be selfish, self-centered, and self-serving people; it’s part of our survival mechanisms. But when we enter in to a conversation with another person, it is vital to focus on what they are saying; even when other things pop into our head. Usually, you can expect a full range of thoughts to come into your head, like “what should I get at the grocery store, did the Cubs win, what’s for dinner, I can solve that problem…”; the list goes on, I’m sure. Of course, the big obstacle to listening is thinking about what you are going to say next – a huge communication breaker. The goal here is to shut down that list, or the part of your brain ready to answer back, and to focus intently on what the other person is trying to say to you, WITHOUT thinking about outside issues, or what you want to say next. One simple word, “LISTEN”, but so hard to do.
Minimal Encouragers. These are little cues you give to indicate that you are listening – it helps to make sure you are listening first; but the natural head nods, “uh-huh’s”, and “hmmm’s” will indicate to the other person that you are paying attention. It helps them to keep going in the discussion, and it will help you focus on what they are saying.
Paraphrase for meaning. This is another great way to trick yourself into listening better – make sure you are hearing what the other person is saying by asking; “so you are saying……”, or “what I heard you say is…….”. This may not be natural at first, but it gets easier the more you try it. It will also validate what the person is saying and let them know you really get what they are trying to communicate. One more thing, doing this sarcastically, with a negative tone, or in an angry way will have the exact opposite effect it is intended to have.
Don’t Problem solve – Validate. OK, this is where that “advanced class” comes in. This is probably the toughest but most important part of communicating. Unfortunately, for us men, we seem to be set-up through evolution and industry to think we have to SOLVE every problem put before us. Don’t worry, ladies, you are developing the same tendency. We all need to stop trying to solve each other’s problems, and work harder to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings if we want to improve communication and our relationships.
What does it mean to validate someone else’s feelings or thoughts? It is simply the act of understanding, or showing empathy for how that person feels. You don’t have to agree with them, but just understanding them goes a long way in letting them know you listened. This can be accomplished with several of the tips above, or by simply echoing their feelings as you heard them; “that must have been frustrating”, “that sounds like a really exciting moment,” “wow, you must have been nervous”. These are all examples of how you can validate someone else’s feelings.
The next time you are entering in to an important conversation with a loved one, focus on using these techniques to make the discussion more healthy, productive, and effective. Try hard to hear them, and work to validate their feelings, rather than solve their problems.
How do you get there?
Communication. Healthy, positive, effective communication focused on working through issues and coming to agreement, even if the agreement is simply to peacefully disagree.
So if your communication isn’t quite healthy, positive, and effective, here are a few tips taken right out of the texts for Counseling 101, Couples 201, and Don’t Drive Your Significant Other Crazy 401 (advanced class).
These are all fairly basic tips that are easy to implement. However, in our modern times, they have seemed to diminish considerably in our interactions with each other. Try these in your next disagreement/argument/discussion.
Turn off the tv, put down the paper, close your laptop, put your phone out of reach. The bottom line here is to put away any distractions and focus intently on what the other person has to say. This goes for your spouse, significant other, coworkers, and even your children. If you are going to take the time to enter into a discussion with someone, do it wholeheartedly.
Eye contact. Let the person know you are paying attention by looking at them – this is considerably easier when you adhere to tip #1.
Listen. Who ever thought one word could be so hard? It is though. We are hard-wired to be selfish, self-centered, and self-serving people; it’s part of our survival mechanisms. But when we enter in to a conversation with another person, it is vital to focus on what they are saying; even when other things pop into our head. Usually, you can expect a full range of thoughts to come into your head, like “what should I get at the grocery store, did the Cubs win, what’s for dinner, I can solve that problem…”; the list goes on, I’m sure. Of course, the big obstacle to listening is thinking about what you are going to say next – a huge communication breaker. The goal here is to shut down that list, or the part of your brain ready to answer back, and to focus intently on what the other person is trying to say to you, WITHOUT thinking about outside issues, or what you want to say next. One simple word, “LISTEN”, but so hard to do.
Minimal Encouragers. These are little cues you give to indicate that you are listening – it helps to make sure you are listening first; but the natural head nods, “uh-huh’s”, and “hmmm’s” will indicate to the other person that you are paying attention. It helps them to keep going in the discussion, and it will help you focus on what they are saying.
Paraphrase for meaning. This is another great way to trick yourself into listening better – make sure you are hearing what the other person is saying by asking; “so you are saying……”, or “what I heard you say is…….”. This may not be natural at first, but it gets easier the more you try it. It will also validate what the person is saying and let them know you really get what they are trying to communicate. One more thing, doing this sarcastically, with a negative tone, or in an angry way will have the exact opposite effect it is intended to have.
Don’t Problem solve – Validate. OK, this is where that “advanced class” comes in. This is probably the toughest but most important part of communicating. Unfortunately, for us men, we seem to be set-up through evolution and industry to think we have to SOLVE every problem put before us. Don’t worry, ladies, you are developing the same tendency. We all need to stop trying to solve each other’s problems, and work harder to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings if we want to improve communication and our relationships.
What does it mean to validate someone else’s feelings or thoughts? It is simply the act of understanding, or showing empathy for how that person feels. You don’t have to agree with them, but just understanding them goes a long way in letting them know you listened. This can be accomplished with several of the tips above, or by simply echoing their feelings as you heard them; “that must have been frustrating”, “that sounds like a really exciting moment,” “wow, you must have been nervous”. These are all examples of how you can validate someone else’s feelings.
The next time you are entering in to an important conversation with a loved one, focus on using these techniques to make the discussion more healthy, productive, and effective. Try hard to hear them, and work to validate their feelings, rather than solve their problems.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Save Your Family from "The Terminator"
Sigh… here we go again. One more high-profile story of infidelity and the havoc it causes in a marriage, in a family, and for the individuals involved. Infidelity is much like addiction in that it doesn’t affect only the individuals involved, but ripples through the lives of the family and community for a considerably longer amount of time than it takes for the act to occur.
It’s devastating.
As a person, I am sad for the people involved. I am sad for the children who are learning unhealthy behaviors and attitudes from unhealthy role models. I am sad for the spouse left behind. I am sad for the spouse who committed the act, and the guilt that will follow them. I am sad for those individuals who will be affected indefinitely in a myriad of ways.
As a man, I’m sick of my peers making bad decisions. We are expected to be the rock on which our family is built, the cornerstone. We are expected to be bastions of morale thinking and doing the ‘right thing’. Decisions like this skew those expectations for everyone. The rest of us have to pick up the slack for your bad decisions, guys.
As a therapist, I am convinced that marriages can avoid these situations with some degree of work and investment. I also know that, should these situations occur, a marriage can heal; but it does take more work and investment.
Over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and concepts for protecting your marriage and family, avoiding infidelity or divorce, and healing from difficult times when they do occur.
The first one may be one of the simplest, but one of the more difficult to take care of – managing expectations.
Misaligned or ‘out-of-whack’ expectations can be the cause of considerable hurt, frustration, and resentment. Whether it’s where you will be going for the holidays, where the money goes, who does the dishes and who mows the long, how to discipline the kids, or how often you engage in intimacy; each topic has the potential to explode into a major disagreement if you are not both on the same page.
Avoiding these disagreements is often as simple as talking about them and coming to an agreement before negative emotions build. But that isn’t always that simple – honestly who wants to talk about dishes of all things? And how many of us are really all that comfortable talking about SEX? Even though sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship, just as critical as money, and who takes care of the bills, it’s not always that easy to discuss.
The fact remains, sex, and all of these topics need to be discussed. As do many more.
If you are able to come to an agreement on important topics in your marriage before they become an “issue”, you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a great service in avoiding conflict and hurt feelings.
Take some time to open up a discussion on these concepts. If you struggle to talk about them, find a good resource to help you through it.
Next week, I will be writing about having the discussion using the basic foundations of communication. I look forward to hearing how your discussion works out.
It’s devastating.
As a person, I am sad for the people involved. I am sad for the children who are learning unhealthy behaviors and attitudes from unhealthy role models. I am sad for the spouse left behind. I am sad for the spouse who committed the act, and the guilt that will follow them. I am sad for those individuals who will be affected indefinitely in a myriad of ways.
As a man, I’m sick of my peers making bad decisions. We are expected to be the rock on which our family is built, the cornerstone. We are expected to be bastions of morale thinking and doing the ‘right thing’. Decisions like this skew those expectations for everyone. The rest of us have to pick up the slack for your bad decisions, guys.
As a therapist, I am convinced that marriages can avoid these situations with some degree of work and investment. I also know that, should these situations occur, a marriage can heal; but it does take more work and investment.
Over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and concepts for protecting your marriage and family, avoiding infidelity or divorce, and healing from difficult times when they do occur.
The first one may be one of the simplest, but one of the more difficult to take care of – managing expectations.
Misaligned or ‘out-of-whack’ expectations can be the cause of considerable hurt, frustration, and resentment. Whether it’s where you will be going for the holidays, where the money goes, who does the dishes and who mows the long, how to discipline the kids, or how often you engage in intimacy; each topic has the potential to explode into a major disagreement if you are not both on the same page.
Avoiding these disagreements is often as simple as talking about them and coming to an agreement before negative emotions build. But that isn’t always that simple – honestly who wants to talk about dishes of all things? And how many of us are really all that comfortable talking about SEX? Even though sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship, just as critical as money, and who takes care of the bills, it’s not always that easy to discuss.
The fact remains, sex, and all of these topics need to be discussed. As do many more.
If you are able to come to an agreement on important topics in your marriage before they become an “issue”, you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a great service in avoiding conflict and hurt feelings.
Take some time to open up a discussion on these concepts. If you struggle to talk about them, find a good resource to help you through it.
Next week, I will be writing about having the discussion using the basic foundations of communication. I look forward to hearing how your discussion works out.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Choose Your Race
Can you believe we are almost five whole months in to the year 2011?
It’s been almost five months since we talked about those darned “New Year’s Resolutions” and all the changes to put into our lives as a result of the calendar changing over.
So how are you doing with that?
Have you achieved that goal, have you accomplished that resolution?
Are you looking for something new and exciting to try – a “Mid Year’s Resolution?” Or are you just annoyed that I am even asking the question?
If you are celebrating a success – if you lost the weight, or gave up the cigarettes, or wrote the book, or spent more time with your family, or changed your career, or got the degree, or whatever it is you accomplished; AWESOME!!!! Good for you! Congratulations!!!
If you are annoyed with me for writing about it, or with yourself for not doing it, what do you want to do about it?
There are quite a few tools sitting around my website to help you out with that – and a few more will be available once the website is updated in a few weeks.
But, until then, try this:
Make a decision to change something
Utilize SMALL, incremental steps
Add in some accountability from others
Achieve success.
The equation is that simple. How will you put it in to practice?
As for me, as I write this, I am wrapping up all the hard work and training needed to run a long race. Once you receive this, I will be recovering from that long run, and planning the next outlandish goal for the year.
What about you?
What’s your race this year?
It’s been almost five months since we talked about those darned “New Year’s Resolutions” and all the changes to put into our lives as a result of the calendar changing over.
So how are you doing with that?
Have you achieved that goal, have you accomplished that resolution?
Are you looking for something new and exciting to try – a “Mid Year’s Resolution?” Or are you just annoyed that I am even asking the question?
If you are celebrating a success – if you lost the weight, or gave up the cigarettes, or wrote the book, or spent more time with your family, or changed your career, or got the degree, or whatever it is you accomplished; AWESOME!!!! Good for you! Congratulations!!!
If you are annoyed with me for writing about it, or with yourself for not doing it, what do you want to do about it?
There are quite a few tools sitting around my website to help you out with that – and a few more will be available once the website is updated in a few weeks.
But, until then, try this:
Make a decision to change something
Utilize SMALL, incremental steps
Add in some accountability from others
Achieve success.
The equation is that simple. How will you put it in to practice?
As for me, as I write this, I am wrapping up all the hard work and training needed to run a long race. Once you receive this, I will be recovering from that long run, and planning the next outlandish goal for the year.
What about you?
What’s your race this year?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It's Time to Man Up!
This article could also be called, “What Do You Mean You’re Leaving Me With the Kids?!” Thanks to my wife for inspiring this article by leaving on Friday, and taking the weekend away. Happy (day after) Mother’s Day to her and all the mom’s out there. Thank you for everything you do.
Alright guys, it’s time to step up and man up.
Too many of us our relinquishing our responsibility as “men”, “fathers”, and “husbands” in exchange for video games, beer, hunting, sports, or any other extracurricular activities.
Too many of us are using “Work” as an excuse to avoid being at home, to avoid taking responsibility for our families.
Things need to change; we have to start doing better. Those who are working hard to do the right thing are having a hard time carrying the weight of those who aren’t. It’s making everyone look bad.
This is the game of your life; and only your marriage, your children, your livelihood, and your future weigh in the balance. It’s time to step up and get involved in all these aspects of your life. If you don’t, something else will fill the void you leave in the life of your kids, or in your marriage, or in your future.
I’ve shared a great website here before that covers a myriad of manly topics – www.TheArtofManliness.com has covered date night, top books for men, shaving techniques, workouts, dress codes, and a ton of other topics over the past few months. It has a considerable cache of great manly info, I encourage you to check it out. In this article, I am going to talk about the manly art of…… Spending Time with The Kids!!!!!
If you are spending enough time with them, and those who have an outside few and important opinion (mom) agree, great! Keep it up. If you are not, and you’re not sure what to do, here are a few tips. If you are not sure what “enough” is, I will tell you what I do. I aim for at least an hour every weekday – homework time, coaching time, play time – whatever I can work in to our busy schedules. Then the goal is for us to spend most of the weekend together doing something fun and character building (for them AND me), because that’s what families do more weekends than not. That’s what we signed up for when we had kids.
Teach them something. Every time the oil in the cars gets changed, my daughters help. I’m pretty sure they could change it themselves at this young age. Cleaning the house is a team effort, so it gets done quicker and they learn how to take care of things. Same for cleaning their room – although not as easy to be as active in that part of teaching – we do try to make it a team effort in order to teach. Let’s face it, not many eight year-olds know what it means to “clean up” unless they are taught and it is role modeled for them. Life is full of teaching opportunities. You don’t have to look very hard.
Show them your favorite hobby. Hard work deserves its reward. I’m a huge fan of doing anything outdoors. I appreciate the opportunities to go camping or hiking with friends – we all need time away. But it’s just as much fun to take the family camping, or to take my girls hiking. We just picked up a new GPS unit so that we can do more geocaching together. Whatever your hobby share it with your kids. If you don’t have any hobbies, develop or redevelop some. Check out the fun of geocaching at www.geocaching.com , or you can take a look at the app on your smartphone. Magellan has put out a new series of very basic starter units that you can pick up for a reasonable price. Nothing says “manly” like mixing tech and the outdoors, using our billion dollar satellite system to find piece of Tupperware in the woods.
Coach them. This is right in line with teaching them, but requires a bit more focus and research on our part. Are they in a sport you don’t know much about? Learn it. Do they play your favorite sport? Step up and coach the team – I know most kids leagues are always looking for qualified coaches. Whether you were an Olympic athlete in the sport, or just found out about it, you are qualified to coach because you are a Dad. There are plenty of resources available online or at your library to learn the sport and how to coach it. If you are not able to dedicate the time to a full season of coaching, take the time every weekend to support the team by working with your child in the yard – throw the ball, shoot some hoops, kick the soccer ball, hit the puck around – do something. Be active. Be a part of their interests.
Do something THEY like to do. This is not always easy, but one of the most “manly” things you can do. I can’t tell you how many times of tried to play Polly Pockets or Barbie or My Loving Family. It’s more fun when the gigantic Barbie comes to raid the Polly Pocket village, but that doesn’t always work for my girls. What does work is letting them take the lead, I just get to be a witness to their play, and they like that. We have been able to find some common ground with Legos. Whatever it is your child likes to do, try to be a part of it. It can be rewarding for your, but immensely rewarding for them.
Give her some away time. All of these suggestions have been aimed at this point – Mom needs time away. It doesn’t have to be two weeks in Hawaii, although that might be nice, but it could just be a few hours with you and the kids out of the house, or just letting her get out for a cup of coffee with friends, or even get away for the weekend. Just as we need, and deserve, our evenings or weekends with the guys; mom needs that too. Just as much, you need time with the kids – it’s not always easy, but neither is parenting. The point is that you do it. Start putting the time in, you will get better at it, and it will get easier as you go.
Hopefully you did something nice for mom yesterday. Now, what are you going to do with the kids this week, and next weekend, and the week after that, and during the summer? It’s not just one day. Being a dad is a full time job. It’s more than a full time job. So get to work.
Alright guys, it’s time to step up and man up.
Too many of us our relinquishing our responsibility as “men”, “fathers”, and “husbands” in exchange for video games, beer, hunting, sports, or any other extracurricular activities.
Too many of us are using “Work” as an excuse to avoid being at home, to avoid taking responsibility for our families.
Things need to change; we have to start doing better. Those who are working hard to do the right thing are having a hard time carrying the weight of those who aren’t. It’s making everyone look bad.
This is the game of your life; and only your marriage, your children, your livelihood, and your future weigh in the balance. It’s time to step up and get involved in all these aspects of your life. If you don’t, something else will fill the void you leave in the life of your kids, or in your marriage, or in your future.
I’ve shared a great website here before that covers a myriad of manly topics – www.TheArtofManliness.com has covered date night, top books for men, shaving techniques, workouts, dress codes, and a ton of other topics over the past few months. It has a considerable cache of great manly info, I encourage you to check it out. In this article, I am going to talk about the manly art of…… Spending Time with The Kids!!!!!
If you are spending enough time with them, and those who have an outside few and important opinion (mom) agree, great! Keep it up. If you are not, and you’re not sure what to do, here are a few tips. If you are not sure what “enough” is, I will tell you what I do. I aim for at least an hour every weekday – homework time, coaching time, play time – whatever I can work in to our busy schedules. Then the goal is for us to spend most of the weekend together doing something fun and character building (for them AND me), because that’s what families do more weekends than not. That’s what we signed up for when we had kids.
Teach them something. Every time the oil in the cars gets changed, my daughters help. I’m pretty sure they could change it themselves at this young age. Cleaning the house is a team effort, so it gets done quicker and they learn how to take care of things. Same for cleaning their room – although not as easy to be as active in that part of teaching – we do try to make it a team effort in order to teach. Let’s face it, not many eight year-olds know what it means to “clean up” unless they are taught and it is role modeled for them. Life is full of teaching opportunities. You don’t have to look very hard.
Show them your favorite hobby. Hard work deserves its reward. I’m a huge fan of doing anything outdoors. I appreciate the opportunities to go camping or hiking with friends – we all need time away. But it’s just as much fun to take the family camping, or to take my girls hiking. We just picked up a new GPS unit so that we can do more geocaching together. Whatever your hobby share it with your kids. If you don’t have any hobbies, develop or redevelop some. Check out the fun of geocaching at www.geocaching.com , or you can take a look at the app on your smartphone. Magellan has put out a new series of very basic starter units that you can pick up for a reasonable price. Nothing says “manly” like mixing tech and the outdoors, using our billion dollar satellite system to find piece of Tupperware in the woods.
Coach them. This is right in line with teaching them, but requires a bit more focus and research on our part. Are they in a sport you don’t know much about? Learn it. Do they play your favorite sport? Step up and coach the team – I know most kids leagues are always looking for qualified coaches. Whether you were an Olympic athlete in the sport, or just found out about it, you are qualified to coach because you are a Dad. There are plenty of resources available online or at your library to learn the sport and how to coach it. If you are not able to dedicate the time to a full season of coaching, take the time every weekend to support the team by working with your child in the yard – throw the ball, shoot some hoops, kick the soccer ball, hit the puck around – do something. Be active. Be a part of their interests.
Do something THEY like to do. This is not always easy, but one of the most “manly” things you can do. I can’t tell you how many times of tried to play Polly Pockets or Barbie or My Loving Family. It’s more fun when the gigantic Barbie comes to raid the Polly Pocket village, but that doesn’t always work for my girls. What does work is letting them take the lead, I just get to be a witness to their play, and they like that. We have been able to find some common ground with Legos. Whatever it is your child likes to do, try to be a part of it. It can be rewarding for your, but immensely rewarding for them.
Give her some away time. All of these suggestions have been aimed at this point – Mom needs time away. It doesn’t have to be two weeks in Hawaii, although that might be nice, but it could just be a few hours with you and the kids out of the house, or just letting her get out for a cup of coffee with friends, or even get away for the weekend. Just as we need, and deserve, our evenings or weekends with the guys; mom needs that too. Just as much, you need time with the kids – it’s not always easy, but neither is parenting. The point is that you do it. Start putting the time in, you will get better at it, and it will get easier as you go.
Hopefully you did something nice for mom yesterday. Now, what are you going to do with the kids this week, and next weekend, and the week after that, and during the summer? It’s not just one day. Being a dad is a full time job. It’s more than a full time job. So get to work.
Monday, May 2, 2011
What You MUST Know to Get Through the Month
By now, if you’ve been reading this website fairly regularly, you know I’m a pretty big fan of the Psychology Today magazine. They put out some fairly interesting articles and ideas, even if it IS pop culture psychology – that is to say it’s not ALL firmly research based, although quite a bit of it is. In a way, it challenges you to be a critical consumer of the research they offer. Meaning you (and I) have to think about whether a “1-person case study” is cause enough to overhaul our lifestyle and behavior when a previous decade’s worth of research may indicate the contrary. That idea of being a “critical consumer” of “research” is pretty important in our times of being bombarded with “new and improved” facts, opinions, and research.
I thought might provide for you a quick take on some of the more enlighten bits I read from this month’s issue to see what you might think about using in your life:
There was a fairly graphically entertaining article on optimists and pessimists titled “Optimism, Optimized”. In it, we are told that thinking about, planning for, and expecting “ the worst” is often helpful in educational situations in order to motivate us to study and to not feel too disappointed when our studies don’t pay off. On the other hand, expecting “the best” can often be helpful in the areas of family, romance, and career, as setting high expectations in those areas can lead to self-fulfilling behavior.
I’m a big proponent of working towards being medication free in most mental health situations; but I do recognize the need for the use of psychotropic medication from time to time. There are a few new developments in this area and the treatment of anxiety. Most anti-anxiety medications today treat the issue in a manner that causes most people prolonged periods of sleepiness or just plain unconsciousness. Research is promising for a medication that will help with anxiety based issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and specific phobias that doesn’t leave the patient unconscious. This would prove extremely helpful in helping those struggling with anxiety, and it’s many forms, to be successful in treatment.
Boost your brain with your i-device or smartphone. Here are three cool memory-based games to help stretch your brain. I picked up Memory Matrix for my phone, and I believe it has helped me achieve near-genius levels of intelligence, as well as boosted my self-esteem. You can check out Lumina and Touch Attack for other ‘handy’ memory improvers.
The article Mood Makeup was pretty interesting, even from a male point of view. Although it highlighted three different products, I’m not one to comment on ‘bronzer’ or ‘foaming moisturizer’. Apparently the aforementioned smartphone brain booster has not given me the intelligence to understand such thing. However, the Firmenich’s Smiley Perfume piqued my curiosity. You should know that smell is the strongest sense linked to memory – if for no other reason because your nose and brain are close together and linked pretty tightly. A particular smell from a pleasant time can trigger pleasant thoughts and feelings. This product goes quite a bit deeper into the nasal cavity and incorporates theobromine and phenylethylamine (the same ‘happy chemicals’ found in cocoa beans). So, if you’re feeling down, give it a try.
Of course, for every positive piece of psychology, there’s got to be a little bit of negative – the interview with Simon Critchely, a philosopher in the field of death, may make you run out to buy Firmenich’s secret happy potion… The crux of the article is that contemporary society has put such a negative spin on death that we work hard to avoid it, and therefore struggle to cope with it. Coping with death, embracing it’s inevitability, and recognizing our own mortality are keys to a happier life. What do you think? True or just plain morbid?
The final article I thought would be helpful – The Fab Fourteen – a helpful list of the top 11 foods you should be trying to eat more of. Yes, the article is called Fab Fourteen, but even after reading it three times, I could only find 11; unless you break out all the nuts listed, and then there is 15… What you should be eating more of and why:
Barley – knocks out bad cholesterol
Quinoa – quinoa is a great alternative to rice and has all 9 essential amino acids; even though it has a funny name, it is gaining in popularity and can be found in most grocery stores
Buckwheat – huge in the antioxidants race
Rye – protects against gall stones and is great for fighting hunger
Nuts – almonds, walnuts, pistachios, pecans, and hazelnuts – have “good fat” in them, and protect against cardiovascular problems AND cognitive decline
Black raspberries – lots of fiber and lots of great chemicals that help your brain deal with stress more effectively
Blueberries – more great chemicals that protect against cognitive decline, including Alzheimer’s
Broccoli – mom was right… this is a great detoxifier and just plain good for you
Pomegranates – similar to the positive effects of blueberries, but much more difficult to harvest… have you ever tried to get the fruit out of one of these? It takes quite a bit of work, but is well worth it
Tomatoes – one of the few foods who nutrient value is INCREASED by cooking and processing; great for blood pressure and fighting bad cholesterol
Next time you are grocery shopping, grab more of these, and less of the boxes and bags of processed foods, and you will be well on your way to a healthier you.
I thought might provide for you a quick take on some of the more enlighten bits I read from this month’s issue to see what you might think about using in your life:
There was a fairly graphically entertaining article on optimists and pessimists titled “Optimism, Optimized”. In it, we are told that thinking about, planning for, and expecting “ the worst” is often helpful in educational situations in order to motivate us to study and to not feel too disappointed when our studies don’t pay off. On the other hand, expecting “the best” can often be helpful in the areas of family, romance, and career, as setting high expectations in those areas can lead to self-fulfilling behavior.
I’m a big proponent of working towards being medication free in most mental health situations; but I do recognize the need for the use of psychotropic medication from time to time. There are a few new developments in this area and the treatment of anxiety. Most anti-anxiety medications today treat the issue in a manner that causes most people prolonged periods of sleepiness or just plain unconsciousness. Research is promising for a medication that will help with anxiety based issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and specific phobias that doesn’t leave the patient unconscious. This would prove extremely helpful in helping those struggling with anxiety, and it’s many forms, to be successful in treatment.
Boost your brain with your i-device or smartphone. Here are three cool memory-based games to help stretch your brain. I picked up Memory Matrix for my phone, and I believe it has helped me achieve near-genius levels of intelligence, as well as boosted my self-esteem. You can check out Lumina and Touch Attack for other ‘handy’ memory improvers.
The article Mood Makeup was pretty interesting, even from a male point of view. Although it highlighted three different products, I’m not one to comment on ‘bronzer’ or ‘foaming moisturizer’. Apparently the aforementioned smartphone brain booster has not given me the intelligence to understand such thing. However, the Firmenich’s Smiley Perfume piqued my curiosity. You should know that smell is the strongest sense linked to memory – if for no other reason because your nose and brain are close together and linked pretty tightly. A particular smell from a pleasant time can trigger pleasant thoughts and feelings. This product goes quite a bit deeper into the nasal cavity and incorporates theobromine and phenylethylamine (the same ‘happy chemicals’ found in cocoa beans). So, if you’re feeling down, give it a try.
Of course, for every positive piece of psychology, there’s got to be a little bit of negative – the interview with Simon Critchely, a philosopher in the field of death, may make you run out to buy Firmenich’s secret happy potion… The crux of the article is that contemporary society has put such a negative spin on death that we work hard to avoid it, and therefore struggle to cope with it. Coping with death, embracing it’s inevitability, and recognizing our own mortality are keys to a happier life. What do you think? True or just plain morbid?
The final article I thought would be helpful – The Fab Fourteen – a helpful list of the top 11 foods you should be trying to eat more of. Yes, the article is called Fab Fourteen, but even after reading it three times, I could only find 11; unless you break out all the nuts listed, and then there is 15… What you should be eating more of and why:
Barley – knocks out bad cholesterol
Quinoa – quinoa is a great alternative to rice and has all 9 essential amino acids; even though it has a funny name, it is gaining in popularity and can be found in most grocery stores
Buckwheat – huge in the antioxidants race
Rye – protects against gall stones and is great for fighting hunger
Nuts – almonds, walnuts, pistachios, pecans, and hazelnuts – have “good fat” in them, and protect against cardiovascular problems AND cognitive decline
Black raspberries – lots of fiber and lots of great chemicals that help your brain deal with stress more effectively
Blueberries – more great chemicals that protect against cognitive decline, including Alzheimer’s
Broccoli – mom was right… this is a great detoxifier and just plain good for you
Pomegranates – similar to the positive effects of blueberries, but much more difficult to harvest… have you ever tried to get the fruit out of one of these? It takes quite a bit of work, but is well worth it
Tomatoes – one of the few foods who nutrient value is INCREASED by cooking and processing; great for blood pressure and fighting bad cholesterol
Next time you are grocery shopping, grab more of these, and less of the boxes and bags of processed foods, and you will be well on your way to a healthier you.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What Are You Putting In Your Head?
It is at these times that truly test us that we find out who we truly are. It’s at these times that the choices we have made throughout our lives push us to succeed, or allow us to fail. At these times it is what we have been putting in our heads that comes back out in our actions and attitudes.
When you are faced with a new or difficult task, does your head fill with thoughts of “I can’t do this”, “I’m not good enough”, or “why me”? Or do you rise to the occasion and fill yourself with ideas like “it will be tough, but I can do it”, and “this will stretch me and make me stronger”?
When faced with adversity in life, do you turn to unhealthy coping skills like overeating and drinking alcohol; or do you look at the adversity as an opportunity, and seek out ways to conquer it?
Do you seek out chances to learn and expand yourself through travel, experience, education, reading, and socializing; or do you spend your time in front of the computer following friends Mafias and Farms, or surfing for the newest gossip on the latest celebrity to self-destruct?
When you have time for leisure, do you spend your days in front of the tv watching the latest adult cartoons, catching the entire 6-8 hours of the Cubs double-header, or playing 12-14 hours of video games; or do relax with the Discovery Channel and History Channel, or try to engage in some kind of physical activity to improve your health?
The choices we make, from the most major life decisions to what eat and how we relax shape and craft our lives. The choices we make, what we put in our heads, BECOMES our life, and creates our existence.
I don’t have it all figured out yet. I can easily lose myself in a mind-numbing tv show, or shoot-‘em-up video game for an hour or two. But I’m learning. The first time I woke up from a Facebook induced coma and realized an hour had disappeared, I knew it was time to make some changes. I started making different choices.
The great thing is, you can to. If your unhappy or frustrated with where things are going in life; sometimes, it can really be as easy as making some different choices. First start with the little ones, like what you are putting in your head, from there the bigger choices get a little bit easier.
Art credit: Luke B. Dunscombe
Monday, April 18, 2011
Avoid the Deep Dark Depths
If you were in the depths of a major depressive episode; no energy to get out bed, no desire to seek pleasure, feeling sad, lethargic, down, and depressed every waking moment, possibly feeling like you didn’t want to go on, what would you do?
I hope you have the support in place around for someone to say, “we need to get you some help”. I hope you have the resources to find and acquire the help you need. Better yet, I hope you never get to that point.
Sadly, a lot of people do. Stress becomes anxiety, anxiety trends towards depression, and eventually a person can get so low that it takes considerable measures to come out of it, or it leads to more difficult mental health issues.
This is a simple list of activities to engage in to help prevent mental illness. You may be amazed at their simplicity. I hope you are. I hope you read these and say, “I do these EVERY day!” Engage in these more days than not each week, and you will be on your way to maintaining wellness.
Eat healthy. Drink Healthy. There’s a reason we are told to eat our fruits and vegetables. It makes you healthy. The more the better. The more colors your can fit into a meal, the better. Limit your intake of processed foods. If you can’t produce the ingredients, why put it in your body? Those chemicals alter the chemicals in your brain and lead to altered moods. Too much sugar, caffeine, or alcohol can do the same thing. Instead soda or coffee, try tea or water. Lots of water. At least 2 liters (about 8 8oz glasses) each day to flush out your system, help you feel full, provide the hydration you need, and because it’s better for you than a Monster.
Sleep. Not too much, not too little. Generally 7-9 hours is good every night. The important factor many people miss out on is not to alter your sleep schedule too much. If you go to bed by 10pm get up at 5am every morning, don’t stay up until 1am and sleep until 9am on the weekends. Research indicates that you shouldn’t alter your sleep schedule more than +/- 1 hour from your “norm”. Doing so is about the same as subjecting yourself to a bad case of jetlag; it alters brain chemistry and leaves your brain reeling from the change.
Exercise. 20-30 minutes each day. Get out and walk. If you are good at walking, go for a run. If you can’t do either, ride a bike. If you can’t do that, lift weights. There are more ways to exercise available to than there ever have been. You can enjoy a health club membership or use a dvd at home. You can work out with expensive equipment, or go for a walk in your bare feet. Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently for 20-30 minutes every day. You will maintain and improve your physical health; and that will have a myriad of positive effects on your mental health.
Socialize. Not just online, but with people you care about and who care about you. We are hardwired to be social creatures; not indulging in that evolutionary mandate leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Giving time to be with friends and family helps to build connections and increase the presence of the “feel good” neurotransmitters in our brains.
Spiritualize. Commune with a higher power, pray to God, read from Buddha, or meditate in nature. Recognizing we are not omnipotent and admitting our flaws as humans can have a positive humbling effect. Seeking guidance in a belief system greater than our individual knowledge can offer perspective. Connecting with the religion (a system of expression spirituality) of our childhood links us to past generations. All of these can be positive factors in promoting wellness and overall emotional health.
Manage stress. There are two ways to deal with stress; avoid, deny, remove, or change the stressor; or learn to cope with it in a more effective manner. If you are feeling excess stress, identify the stressor (work for many – but even that can be more specific), and determine if you can change it or cope with it better.
Manage your moods. Moods come and go for a variety of reasons, many of which may be outside our control. What is within our control is how long we allow a negative mood to stay and fester, and at what point we choose to engage in behavior to bring about a more positive mood. If you find yourself spiraling into a negative mood that you can’t come out of, enlist the help of others (see Socialize). If they can’t help, consult with a professional.
Manage your thoughts. Much like moods, thoughts come from out of nowhere – quirky firing of neurons brought upon by something we saw out of the corner of our eye can yield the strangest of first thoughts, or impulses. Again, something we are not always consciously in control of – but just like moods, we are in control of what our next thought is, and how we choose to act on that thought.
Manage your money. While we’re talking about managing factors in life – mismanaged finances can be the greatest source of individual stress and relational discord. It’s ironic and somewhat funny how many quotes and commentaries you can find throughout history, from the ancient Greeks to the current Session of Congress and everywhere in between; how poor financial management can lead to emotional turmoil. Take care of your money, and you will be taking care of your health.
Go do something. Stretch your brain and your body. Get up from the computer and do something different. If you sit around all day, go for a walk. If you spend most evenings watching tv, read a book. If you spend your day in a cubicle, get outside in nature. If you haven’t seen something truly amazing in a while, go see the ocean, an art museum, go up to the observation deck of a skyscraper, write a book, or go volunteer in a pediatric cancer treatment center. Expand your horizons, do different things, try new things, and you will maintain the flexibility of your brain and hold on to more of your fluid intelligence longer into your years. Besides, it’s fun.
I hope you have the support in place around for someone to say, “we need to get you some help”. I hope you have the resources to find and acquire the help you need. Better yet, I hope you never get to that point.
Sadly, a lot of people do. Stress becomes anxiety, anxiety trends towards depression, and eventually a person can get so low that it takes considerable measures to come out of it, or it leads to more difficult mental health issues.
This is a simple list of activities to engage in to help prevent mental illness. You may be amazed at their simplicity. I hope you are. I hope you read these and say, “I do these EVERY day!” Engage in these more days than not each week, and you will be on your way to maintaining wellness.
Eat healthy. Drink Healthy. There’s a reason we are told to eat our fruits and vegetables. It makes you healthy. The more the better. The more colors your can fit into a meal, the better. Limit your intake of processed foods. If you can’t produce the ingredients, why put it in your body? Those chemicals alter the chemicals in your brain and lead to altered moods. Too much sugar, caffeine, or alcohol can do the same thing. Instead soda or coffee, try tea or water. Lots of water. At least 2 liters (about 8 8oz glasses) each day to flush out your system, help you feel full, provide the hydration you need, and because it’s better for you than a Monster.
Sleep. Not too much, not too little. Generally 7-9 hours is good every night. The important factor many people miss out on is not to alter your sleep schedule too much. If you go to bed by 10pm get up at 5am every morning, don’t stay up until 1am and sleep until 9am on the weekends. Research indicates that you shouldn’t alter your sleep schedule more than +/- 1 hour from your “norm”. Doing so is about the same as subjecting yourself to a bad case of jetlag; it alters brain chemistry and leaves your brain reeling from the change.
Exercise. 20-30 minutes each day. Get out and walk. If you are good at walking, go for a run. If you can’t do either, ride a bike. If you can’t do that, lift weights. There are more ways to exercise available to than there ever have been. You can enjoy a health club membership or use a dvd at home. You can work out with expensive equipment, or go for a walk in your bare feet. Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently for 20-30 minutes every day. You will maintain and improve your physical health; and that will have a myriad of positive effects on your mental health.
Socialize. Not just online, but with people you care about and who care about you. We are hardwired to be social creatures; not indulging in that evolutionary mandate leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Giving time to be with friends and family helps to build connections and increase the presence of the “feel good” neurotransmitters in our brains.
Spiritualize. Commune with a higher power, pray to God, read from Buddha, or meditate in nature. Recognizing we are not omnipotent and admitting our flaws as humans can have a positive humbling effect. Seeking guidance in a belief system greater than our individual knowledge can offer perspective. Connecting with the religion (a system of expression spirituality) of our childhood links us to past generations. All of these can be positive factors in promoting wellness and overall emotional health.
Manage stress. There are two ways to deal with stress; avoid, deny, remove, or change the stressor; or learn to cope with it in a more effective manner. If you are feeling excess stress, identify the stressor (work for many – but even that can be more specific), and determine if you can change it or cope with it better.
Manage your moods. Moods come and go for a variety of reasons, many of which may be outside our control. What is within our control is how long we allow a negative mood to stay and fester, and at what point we choose to engage in behavior to bring about a more positive mood. If you find yourself spiraling into a negative mood that you can’t come out of, enlist the help of others (see Socialize). If they can’t help, consult with a professional.
Manage your thoughts. Much like moods, thoughts come from out of nowhere – quirky firing of neurons brought upon by something we saw out of the corner of our eye can yield the strangest of first thoughts, or impulses. Again, something we are not always consciously in control of – but just like moods, we are in control of what our next thought is, and how we choose to act on that thought.
Manage your money. While we’re talking about managing factors in life – mismanaged finances can be the greatest source of individual stress and relational discord. It’s ironic and somewhat funny how many quotes and commentaries you can find throughout history, from the ancient Greeks to the current Session of Congress and everywhere in between; how poor financial management can lead to emotional turmoil. Take care of your money, and you will be taking care of your health.
Go do something. Stretch your brain and your body. Get up from the computer and do something different. If you sit around all day, go for a walk. If you spend most evenings watching tv, read a book. If you spend your day in a cubicle, get outside in nature. If you haven’t seen something truly amazing in a while, go see the ocean, an art museum, go up to the observation deck of a skyscraper, write a book, or go volunteer in a pediatric cancer treatment center. Expand your horizons, do different things, try new things, and you will maintain the flexibility of your brain and hold on to more of your fluid intelligence longer into your years. Besides, it’s fun.
Monday, April 11, 2011
How to Turn Your Child into a Scholarship Athlete
I took my oldest daughter to the annual Father-Daughter Dance a few weeks ago. As always, it’s a wonderful and bittersweet event. Sweet, of course, in seeing her run around with her friends and timidly try to dance; bitter in that each year is a kind of marking point for her getting older and growing up. It’s a reminder to always enjoy the time I do have with her.
Par for the course, as the girls danced and gave us dads an occasional break, the soccer coach dads soon got together to discuss talent, strategy, and future prospects. Yeah, we take it pretty seriously. Once gentleman, who wasn’t “in” the group, sat and listened intently, his eyes growing bigger and brighter as we discussed and exaggerated about the skills of the more talented girls.
Eventually, as the hoopla died down, he asked; “how do I turn my daughter (3rd grade) into a scholarship athlete?
It was question I wasn’t used to answering, so I bumbled through a few ideas. And then I stewed on why I felt like such an idiot trying to answer that question. Then it came to me:
YOU CAN’T! You cannot turn your child into a scholarship athlete! It’s a combination of genetics, skills, coaching, luck, and fate that take a child from the local basketball court to the Final Four and on to the NBA. You cannot create a scholarship/professional swimmer like the good Dr. Frankenstein working in your backyard swimming pool.
I think the proliferation of the Tiger Woods story, and the stories, of most of our high-paid athletes has convinced us that all we need to do is spend all day, every day, working with our child on their sport, and they will grow up to support us with their million-dollar contract and endorsements.
It’s not going to happen like that. You can work with your son or daughter all you want, but they may not grow up to earn untold riches. But you sure can mess up their childhood and your relationship with them.
Here a few tips to help improve your relationship with your child through sports, while embracing the POSSIBILITY that they might just be the next Mia Hamm, Tiger Woods, Venus Williams, or Peyton Manning.
Don’t over-schedule them! Give them a break – kids have to play! Whether it is with Barbie Dolls at a young age, or electronics as they grow, kids need time to play; especially early on. It’s simply not fair to them to have them involved in something every night of the week, all year long, with games and travel on the weekend. We are creating small ninja-gymnast-ice skaters with the volume of activities some children are scheduled for each week; judo, karate, tai kwon do, gymnastics, hockey, baseball, soccer. And that’s just one child’s schedule!
One activity per season is generally a good rule. It will help give them the time they need to develop, and won’t stress you out and drive you crazy tying to get them from place to place.
Build their love of the game – whatever it is. If you can’t take the time to coach your child, then spend some time with them in the evenings or on the weekends playing and working with them on their basic skills. Throw the football around, go bowling, kick the soccer ball, play tennis – whatever is they are interested in. If you show more of an interest in their playing, and less about them winning, they will come to love the fun aspect of the game, and will work harder to become better.
Show up. Be the supportive parent, not the loud angry parent at games. Be present to help your kids before and after practice, but step back to let the coaches do their jobs. When it comes to came time, be supportive of your child, that’s it. There is no need to scream at other peoples kids, the refs, the coaches, etc. Think about the message you are sending your child with your behavior at their events.
Get them the 10,000 hours. Malcolm Gladwell wrote an amazing book – one of my favorites, Outliers – on what makes people successful. The most obvious fact that came out of his research was the Rule of 10,000 hours. Whether it was the Beatles, Bill Gates, or Mozart, they all had run into a fortunate opportunity in their lives to acquire 10,000 hours of practice in their area of expertise. From there, they became the best at what they do.
You can set up the situation, somewhat, for your child to accrue 10,000 hours of practice, but each one of these master’s in their area ran across an amazing amount of luck that granted them this time. You can do a little, but you can’t do it all – don’t force your child to spent 10,000 hours this year in front of a piano.
Allow them to say “No”. Your child should have the final say in whether or not they want to participate in a given activity. Don’t force it – this is a sure way to break down your relationship with them. If they want to take a season off from soccer, let them. If they are done with softball and not interested in playing ever again, that’s fine. Do not put the pressure on your children of living your sports life vicariously through them – there are plenty of adult leagues if you want to play. But let your child decide what activities best fit their personality.
Good luck. It’s not an easy job – parenting. I don’t recommend you complicate it further by putting excess pressure on yourself or your child.
Par for the course, as the girls danced and gave us dads an occasional break, the soccer coach dads soon got together to discuss talent, strategy, and future prospects. Yeah, we take it pretty seriously. Once gentleman, who wasn’t “in” the group, sat and listened intently, his eyes growing bigger and brighter as we discussed and exaggerated about the skills of the more talented girls.
Eventually, as the hoopla died down, he asked; “how do I turn my daughter (3rd grade) into a scholarship athlete?
It was question I wasn’t used to answering, so I bumbled through a few ideas. And then I stewed on why I felt like such an idiot trying to answer that question. Then it came to me:
YOU CAN’T! You cannot turn your child into a scholarship athlete! It’s a combination of genetics, skills, coaching, luck, and fate that take a child from the local basketball court to the Final Four and on to the NBA. You cannot create a scholarship/professional swimmer like the good Dr. Frankenstein working in your backyard swimming pool.
I think the proliferation of the Tiger Woods story, and the stories, of most of our high-paid athletes has convinced us that all we need to do is spend all day, every day, working with our child on their sport, and they will grow up to support us with their million-dollar contract and endorsements.
It’s not going to happen like that. You can work with your son or daughter all you want, but they may not grow up to earn untold riches. But you sure can mess up their childhood and your relationship with them.
Here a few tips to help improve your relationship with your child through sports, while embracing the POSSIBILITY that they might just be the next Mia Hamm, Tiger Woods, Venus Williams, or Peyton Manning.
Don’t over-schedule them! Give them a break – kids have to play! Whether it is with Barbie Dolls at a young age, or electronics as they grow, kids need time to play; especially early on. It’s simply not fair to them to have them involved in something every night of the week, all year long, with games and travel on the weekend. We are creating small ninja-gymnast-ice skaters with the volume of activities some children are scheduled for each week; judo, karate, tai kwon do, gymnastics, hockey, baseball, soccer. And that’s just one child’s schedule!
One activity per season is generally a good rule. It will help give them the time they need to develop, and won’t stress you out and drive you crazy tying to get them from place to place.
Build their love of the game – whatever it is. If you can’t take the time to coach your child, then spend some time with them in the evenings or on the weekends playing and working with them on their basic skills. Throw the football around, go bowling, kick the soccer ball, play tennis – whatever is they are interested in. If you show more of an interest in their playing, and less about them winning, they will come to love the fun aspect of the game, and will work harder to become better.
Show up. Be the supportive parent, not the loud angry parent at games. Be present to help your kids before and after practice, but step back to let the coaches do their jobs. When it comes to came time, be supportive of your child, that’s it. There is no need to scream at other peoples kids, the refs, the coaches, etc. Think about the message you are sending your child with your behavior at their events.
Get them the 10,000 hours. Malcolm Gladwell wrote an amazing book – one of my favorites, Outliers – on what makes people successful. The most obvious fact that came out of his research was the Rule of 10,000 hours. Whether it was the Beatles, Bill Gates, or Mozart, they all had run into a fortunate opportunity in their lives to acquire 10,000 hours of practice in their area of expertise. From there, they became the best at what they do.
You can set up the situation, somewhat, for your child to accrue 10,000 hours of practice, but each one of these master’s in their area ran across an amazing amount of luck that granted them this time. You can do a little, but you can’t do it all – don’t force your child to spent 10,000 hours this year in front of a piano.
Allow them to say “No”. Your child should have the final say in whether or not they want to participate in a given activity. Don’t force it – this is a sure way to break down your relationship with them. If they want to take a season off from soccer, let them. If they are done with softball and not interested in playing ever again, that’s fine. Do not put the pressure on your children of living your sports life vicariously through them – there are plenty of adult leagues if you want to play. But let your child decide what activities best fit their personality.
Good luck. It’s not an easy job – parenting. I don’t recommend you complicate it further by putting excess pressure on yourself or your child.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Charlie Sheen Guide to Parenting
You may have missed the rants and public implosion of the Charlie Sheen empire a few weeks ago - but surely you haven't missed your opportunity to catch him live on his My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat is Not an Option Tour this past weekend in Detroit and Chicago, or coming soon to a venue near you, have you?!
Although I am not sure what "ol' Chuck" will be talking about on tour", I have boiled down a few of his more recent ideas for your use in your parenting endeavors. I was pleased to see some parents already using these concepts on the fields of our local youth soccer program over this past weekend.
"DUH Winning!" - winning isn't just important, it is everything. It is the only thing. Win at all costs. Win not matter who the opponent is. If you are winning work harder to win some more. Sportsmanship is for 'normal people, people who aren't special'. They should have just left her in the game and let her keep scoring!
I guess for you 'normal people', teaching your children not to brag about winning, and to be a good sport is one of those things you do. I guess if you don't want to live the Charlie Sheen prescribed "rock-n-roll lifestyle", you could teach your children about it. It's a difficult boundary - you want to teach your child to work hard, have fun, and succeed; but that succeeding 'too much' is not good sportsmanship. Running up the score in real life is not favorably received.
Example - there was a young lady this weekend who scored 7 soccer goals; that's about twice as many goals as there usually are in an entire game. Even when the coach pulled her back, or had her on the sideline, the team still went on to score around 20 goals. You could tell the coach was struggling with trying to encourage his team to work hard, but he also didn't want to embarrass the other team. It's at a young age that lessons like this can be taught. Having a discussion with a 6-year old about sportsmanship can go a long way to developing a well adjusted 16-year old. How do you teach your children to be good sports? What do you say to encourage them to work hard?
Charlie would say you just don't have the "Adonis DNA" to stomach winning.
It's all about your kids "waking up one day and realizing how cool dad is!" In the book of Charlie, being cool is the rule, especially when it comes to kids. That means buying them everything they want, never saying "No", being their best friend, saying what you want when you want to them, and "you know, signing all the checks on the front" so they don't have to earn money but just have it. Do these things, and you will raise children with "tiger blood in their veins".
For the rest of you parents out there, setting boundaries, encouraging your children to earn money and possessions, and saying "No" to their sometimes irrational or egocentric requests (the ones that are pretty typical of child and adolescent development, apparently you just want to raise "normal" kids.
Finally, if you want to raise kids like Charlie Sheen, you should probably have them watch plenty of Charlie Sheen and that means at least a daily dose of that show he is on, right? While you are at it, they should probably be watching whatever else they want along those lines, too. Television today has plenty of great messages to share with your children, you don't need to monitor what they watch - they should probably have their own tv with cable or satellite access in their bedroom by around age 5. That way, they can learn all the valuable lessons of that Charlie Sheen show, and find out about the wonderful world of marketing and advertising that is available through television.
For you who don't want to be an "F-18 deploying ordnance to the ground", you might want to monitor what your kids watch, and certainly not allow them to watch that show. Find out what kinds of messages your kids are receiving from their television viewing habits. Know what the kids are watching when you're not with them, and ask them about what they watch. For every show on tv that has a Charlie Sheen message, there are other shows that offer educational and entertaining information - see The Discovery Channel or The History Channel to find out more. Also, take the television out of your kids room - watch tv as a family and discuss what you view.
Those are just a few of Charlie's tips - you can find out more on his tv show, or continue to feast on the media feeding frenzy that is his life. I am sure you can find a few hours each day of internet and news coverage. If, on the other hand, you don't agree with his tips - if you don't have Adonis DNA and tiger blood - maybe you could just turn off the tv and go for a walk with your family.
Although I am not sure what "ol' Chuck" will be talking about on tour", I have boiled down a few of his more recent ideas for your use in your parenting endeavors. I was pleased to see some parents already using these concepts on the fields of our local youth soccer program over this past weekend.
"DUH Winning!" - winning isn't just important, it is everything. It is the only thing. Win at all costs. Win not matter who the opponent is. If you are winning work harder to win some more. Sportsmanship is for 'normal people, people who aren't special'. They should have just left her in the game and let her keep scoring!
I guess for you 'normal people', teaching your children not to brag about winning, and to be a good sport is one of those things you do. I guess if you don't want to live the Charlie Sheen prescribed "rock-n-roll lifestyle", you could teach your children about it. It's a difficult boundary - you want to teach your child to work hard, have fun, and succeed; but that succeeding 'too much' is not good sportsmanship. Running up the score in real life is not favorably received.
Example - there was a young lady this weekend who scored 7 soccer goals; that's about twice as many goals as there usually are in an entire game. Even when the coach pulled her back, or had her on the sideline, the team still went on to score around 20 goals. You could tell the coach was struggling with trying to encourage his team to work hard, but he also didn't want to embarrass the other team. It's at a young age that lessons like this can be taught. Having a discussion with a 6-year old about sportsmanship can go a long way to developing a well adjusted 16-year old. How do you teach your children to be good sports? What do you say to encourage them to work hard?
Charlie would say you just don't have the "Adonis DNA" to stomach winning.
It's all about your kids "waking up one day and realizing how cool dad is!" In the book of Charlie, being cool is the rule, especially when it comes to kids. That means buying them everything they want, never saying "No", being their best friend, saying what you want when you want to them, and "you know, signing all the checks on the front" so they don't have to earn money but just have it. Do these things, and you will raise children with "tiger blood in their veins".
For the rest of you parents out there, setting boundaries, encouraging your children to earn money and possessions, and saying "No" to their sometimes irrational or egocentric requests (the ones that are pretty typical of child and adolescent development, apparently you just want to raise "normal" kids.
Finally, if you want to raise kids like Charlie Sheen, you should probably have them watch plenty of Charlie Sheen and that means at least a daily dose of that show he is on, right? While you are at it, they should probably be watching whatever else they want along those lines, too. Television today has plenty of great messages to share with your children, you don't need to monitor what they watch - they should probably have their own tv with cable or satellite access in their bedroom by around age 5. That way, they can learn all the valuable lessons of that Charlie Sheen show, and find out about the wonderful world of marketing and advertising that is available through television.
For you who don't want to be an "F-18 deploying ordnance to the ground", you might want to monitor what your kids watch, and certainly not allow them to watch that show. Find out what kinds of messages your kids are receiving from their television viewing habits. Know what the kids are watching when you're not with them, and ask them about what they watch. For every show on tv that has a Charlie Sheen message, there are other shows that offer educational and entertaining information - see The Discovery Channel or The History Channel to find out more. Also, take the television out of your kids room - watch tv as a family and discuss what you view.
Those are just a few of Charlie's tips - you can find out more on his tv show, or continue to feast on the media feeding frenzy that is his life. I am sure you can find a few hours each day of internet and news coverage. If, on the other hand, you don't agree with his tips - if you don't have Adonis DNA and tiger blood - maybe you could just turn off the tv and go for a walk with your family.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Will You Run 100 Miles Today?
Can you believe there are people in this world who go out and run 100+ mile races... for fun?!?
These “ultramarathoners”, as they are called, will race from early in the morning, through the day, into the night, hopefully finishing some time the next morning. You might imagine what their training regiment involves - grueling runs of 20, or 30, or 40, maybe even 50 miles at a time - often leaving for a “quick run” on a Friday night to return Saturday morning.
I’ve actually read several stories about them - Dean Karnazes “Ultramarathon Man” being a pretty good one on the topic. This month’s Psychology Today had a very good article on Podiatrist Troy Espiritu and his rise from human to superhuman. There’s quite a bit of discussion about golf ball sized blisters, eating while running followed by vomiting while running, hallucinations while running, sleep deprivation, delusions, broken bones, strained body parts... and people who do it for “fun”.
The article also shared several lessons we all can take from these ultramarthoners. Even though we may not feel the need to go out and run for 24 hours straight, we all need a certain degree of mental, emotional, and spiritual strength to face the challenges life throws our way. Everybody needs a certain degree of “toughness”. Or, as Salvatore Maddi, researcher from UC Irvine, calls it, “hardiness”.
Maddi conducted a 12-year study to evaluate the psychological well-being of telephone company managers. Halfway through the study there was an unexpected turn in that the telephone industry was de-regulated. This caused half the employees Maddi was studying to be laid off. For two-thirds of that group, the lay-off was traumatic. They were unable to cope - many died of heart attack and strokes, they engaged in violence, got divorced, and suffered from poor mental health. But for the other third, their lives actually improved - their health got better, the careers ‘soared’, and their relationships improved.
What is the difference between these two groups of people? Maddi defined it as “hardiness” - or the ability to look at obstacles as opportunities. Hardiness ‘gives you the courage and motivation to do the hard work of growing and developing rather than denying and avoiding”. The good news - hardiness can be cultivated and developed in you - just like it is in an ultramarathoner.
So what can learn from Maddi’s study and the lives of ultramarathoners? That being laid off doesn’t have to be the end of your career - but the beginning? Or maybe that you too have “superhuman” powers to overcome obstacles and run for 100 miles - or maybe just start with one mile?
The article offers four suggestions to cultivate YOUR hardiness:
Enlist the help of friends and loved ones. Have the support of others not only makes us feel cared for and appreciated, but it can also increase our motivation to complete difficult tasks or goals. Ultramarathoners often train in a group for long grueling runs - evidence there is a strong need to be a part of the group that motivates the runners behaviors, and the being part of the group might actually help relieve real aches and pains as the socialization causes the body to release “feel good” hormones, even while running 30+ miles. Being a part of a group will help you achieve your goals - even if your goals are beyond “normal”.
Seek out challenges. Most of us actively avoid problems and needless work. We work hard to maintain comfort and think of resilience as something we’ll reluctantly tap into in the event of some kind of personal disaster. The truly “tough” don’t enjoy personal struggle any more than the rest of us, but what they do enjoy is the opportunity to conquer an unexpected obstacle. Such difficulties and calamities are exciting chances for them to conquer, something to accomplish, not reasons to crawl back into bed.
The key to adapting a challenge-hungry frame of mind is developing confidence in yours abilities. One way to do this is to set goals that become progressively more challenging - intentionally expose yourself to situations that take you out of your comfort zone. Build your tolerance for the unexpected and uncomfortable by small increments, and eventually you will build your abilities and “toughness”.
Get physical. Not only does exercise build your physical toughness, but it is a key to overall mental/emotional AND physical wellbeing. The more you exercise, the more you build up your ability to tolerate stress and the more you increase your overall feelings of healthiness and wellbeing. The ultramarathoners in the study found that as their training increased, they were able to tolerate their children’s temper tantrums more easily, they slept better, and had more energy throughout the day. Isn’t that a great benefit and increase to your daily “toughness” simply by dedicating 20-30 minutes to exercise a few days per week?
Finally - Reward yourself. If you’re going to do all this hard work to train for an ultramarathon, or for life, doesn’t it makes sense to reward yourself for your accomplishments? Take a day off, treat yourself to a nice meal, of going on a little shopping trip. Just don’t overdo it - don’t engage in behaviors that would negate the progress you made in your goals, but look for rewards that might forward your progress, or increase the gains you have already made.
So, there you have it; four simple tips to help you on your path to become superhuman. This is the beginning to running a 100+ mile race.
On the other hand, this could also be a few easy ideas to improve life in general.
For the complete article, please check out Psychology Today April, 2011. There’s also a great article on how striving too much just might not be the key to happiness - The American Nightmare: We have everything the American Dream prescribed, so why aren’t we happy? Enjoy.
These “ultramarathoners”, as they are called, will race from early in the morning, through the day, into the night, hopefully finishing some time the next morning. You might imagine what their training regiment involves - grueling runs of 20, or 30, or 40, maybe even 50 miles at a time - often leaving for a “quick run” on a Friday night to return Saturday morning.
I’ve actually read several stories about them - Dean Karnazes “Ultramarathon Man” being a pretty good one on the topic. This month’s Psychology Today had a very good article on Podiatrist Troy Espiritu and his rise from human to superhuman. There’s quite a bit of discussion about golf ball sized blisters, eating while running followed by vomiting while running, hallucinations while running, sleep deprivation, delusions, broken bones, strained body parts... and people who do it for “fun”.
The article also shared several lessons we all can take from these ultramarthoners. Even though we may not feel the need to go out and run for 24 hours straight, we all need a certain degree of mental, emotional, and spiritual strength to face the challenges life throws our way. Everybody needs a certain degree of “toughness”. Or, as Salvatore Maddi, researcher from UC Irvine, calls it, “hardiness”.
Maddi conducted a 12-year study to evaluate the psychological well-being of telephone company managers. Halfway through the study there was an unexpected turn in that the telephone industry was de-regulated. This caused half the employees Maddi was studying to be laid off. For two-thirds of that group, the lay-off was traumatic. They were unable to cope - many died of heart attack and strokes, they engaged in violence, got divorced, and suffered from poor mental health. But for the other third, their lives actually improved - their health got better, the careers ‘soared’, and their relationships improved.
What is the difference between these two groups of people? Maddi defined it as “hardiness” - or the ability to look at obstacles as opportunities. Hardiness ‘gives you the courage and motivation to do the hard work of growing and developing rather than denying and avoiding”. The good news - hardiness can be cultivated and developed in you - just like it is in an ultramarathoner.
So what can learn from Maddi’s study and the lives of ultramarathoners? That being laid off doesn’t have to be the end of your career - but the beginning? Or maybe that you too have “superhuman” powers to overcome obstacles and run for 100 miles - or maybe just start with one mile?
The article offers four suggestions to cultivate YOUR hardiness:
Enlist the help of friends and loved ones. Have the support of others not only makes us feel cared for and appreciated, but it can also increase our motivation to complete difficult tasks or goals. Ultramarathoners often train in a group for long grueling runs - evidence there is a strong need to be a part of the group that motivates the runners behaviors, and the being part of the group might actually help relieve real aches and pains as the socialization causes the body to release “feel good” hormones, even while running 30+ miles. Being a part of a group will help you achieve your goals - even if your goals are beyond “normal”.
Seek out challenges. Most of us actively avoid problems and needless work. We work hard to maintain comfort and think of resilience as something we’ll reluctantly tap into in the event of some kind of personal disaster. The truly “tough” don’t enjoy personal struggle any more than the rest of us, but what they do enjoy is the opportunity to conquer an unexpected obstacle. Such difficulties and calamities are exciting chances for them to conquer, something to accomplish, not reasons to crawl back into bed.
The key to adapting a challenge-hungry frame of mind is developing confidence in yours abilities. One way to do this is to set goals that become progressively more challenging - intentionally expose yourself to situations that take you out of your comfort zone. Build your tolerance for the unexpected and uncomfortable by small increments, and eventually you will build your abilities and “toughness”.
Get physical. Not only does exercise build your physical toughness, but it is a key to overall mental/emotional AND physical wellbeing. The more you exercise, the more you build up your ability to tolerate stress and the more you increase your overall feelings of healthiness and wellbeing. The ultramarathoners in the study found that as their training increased, they were able to tolerate their children’s temper tantrums more easily, they slept better, and had more energy throughout the day. Isn’t that a great benefit and increase to your daily “toughness” simply by dedicating 20-30 minutes to exercise a few days per week?
Finally - Reward yourself. If you’re going to do all this hard work to train for an ultramarathon, or for life, doesn’t it makes sense to reward yourself for your accomplishments? Take a day off, treat yourself to a nice meal, of going on a little shopping trip. Just don’t overdo it - don’t engage in behaviors that would negate the progress you made in your goals, but look for rewards that might forward your progress, or increase the gains you have already made.
So, there you have it; four simple tips to help you on your path to become superhuman. This is the beginning to running a 100+ mile race.
On the other hand, this could also be a few easy ideas to improve life in general.
For the complete article, please check out Psychology Today April, 2011. There’s also a great article on how striving too much just might not be the key to happiness - The American Nightmare: We have everything the American Dream prescribed, so why aren’t we happy? Enjoy.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Is Work Eating You Alive?
Are you consumed by work?
Is your job consuming you?
I have been there. If you’ve read these articles for very long, you’ve heard my story of work stress and how it put me in the hospital for several weeks. The sad thing is, despite that bit of trauma, I still find myself allowing my work to take a bigger chunk out of me than it should.
I’ve also noticed that there are a lot of “us” out there. I have worked with quite a few people struggling with “work stress” – some situations become so severe that “work stress” soon becomes, “home stress”, “marital stress”, anxiety, depression, and a variety of other concerning issues?
Why is that?
Is it because employers know that it is a tough economy out there and they’ve got you where they want you? Or is it a choice, or series of choices we make, causing work to become much bigger portion of our lives than it should?
I think it’s both.
What can you do about it?
Refresh yourself with the POWER OFF button on your cell / smart / mobile phone. That’s right, it has a power button. It has a mute button too. You can use both of them at different times so that your time to be away from work is not interrupted. Is work that important that you need to have your phone on in church, or at 2am, or while watching a movie with your family?
While we are turning things off, how about turning the computer off too? Remember when computers where great big monstrosities in large plastic boxes that had to sit on a desk and stay connected to the wall? They got smaller and more portable with rise in laptop functionality – and the introduction of tablets has made it far easier to be “always on” – always productive. But were you meant to be always productive?
Since the computer is off, you can stop checking your email every 10 minutes. But what about when the computer is on? Researchers and productivity experts tells us that you should only feel compelled to check your email a few times day – that you don’t have to respond to everyone within 30 seconds of receiving their message – that is called “asynchronous communication” for a reason. The bottom line, that constant checking is eating in to your productivity and your down time. Set aside time to check a few times a day, but leave it alone for the rest of the time – set your smart phone NOT to alert you each time a new email comes in so you are not compelled to jump to it each time it buzzes/rings/chirps/sings.
Now that all of our electronic distraction devices have been turned off, what about setting aside some down time? Set aside time each day AT work to take a break – go for a short walk, grab some water, stretch, engage in deep breathing exercises, listen to a little music, take a quick nap – all recommended tips to de-stress, refocus, and relax. The amazing thing is your productivity will INCREASE if you do this throughout the day, so that you don’t feel compelled to work at home.
If you are going to have down time at work to increase your productivity, you certainly will have more time for down time, relaxation, and family time at home. Use this time! Schedule in time to play with your kids, make sure you are still dating your spouse several times each month (remember when you would date several times each week?!), develop hobbies to engage in, pick up a new healthy habit like running or weight-lifting. Block off time for you – and don’t let those devices interfere with it!
Drop the time-wasters like a bad habit – or at least set effective boundaries with them. The 20 minute session gossip at the water-cooler, the 15 minute IM session, Mafiavilles and Farm Wars all serve the same purpose; they suck up your time and take away your ‘happy’. They trade productive time or relaxation time and sometimes even money for….. well, I’m not really sure what the trade off is. I know I fell victim to the MafiaFarm trap for a while. And then when I woke up from the glittery haze, I was embarrassed to think of how much time I spent there, instead of being productive or doing something with my family.
In the end, it all comes down to setting boundaries – boundaries with your time, boundaries with your boss, boundaries with your work, boundaries with your life. Electronic devices have made it far too easy for those boundaries to disappear. But they are not to be blamed alone – we have to allow them to take over. By re-establishing those boundaries with your work, your smart phone, your laptop, your boss, etc; you will take back your life, and you won’t let work eat you alive.
Is your job consuming you?
I have been there. If you’ve read these articles for very long, you’ve heard my story of work stress and how it put me in the hospital for several weeks. The sad thing is, despite that bit of trauma, I still find myself allowing my work to take a bigger chunk out of me than it should.
I’ve also noticed that there are a lot of “us” out there. I have worked with quite a few people struggling with “work stress” – some situations become so severe that “work stress” soon becomes, “home stress”, “marital stress”, anxiety, depression, and a variety of other concerning issues?
Why is that?
Is it because employers know that it is a tough economy out there and they’ve got you where they want you? Or is it a choice, or series of choices we make, causing work to become much bigger portion of our lives than it should?
I think it’s both.
What can you do about it?
Refresh yourself with the POWER OFF button on your cell / smart / mobile phone. That’s right, it has a power button. It has a mute button too. You can use both of them at different times so that your time to be away from work is not interrupted. Is work that important that you need to have your phone on in church, or at 2am, or while watching a movie with your family?
While we are turning things off, how about turning the computer off too? Remember when computers where great big monstrosities in large plastic boxes that had to sit on a desk and stay connected to the wall? They got smaller and more portable with rise in laptop functionality – and the introduction of tablets has made it far easier to be “always on” – always productive. But were you meant to be always productive?
Since the computer is off, you can stop checking your email every 10 minutes. But what about when the computer is on? Researchers and productivity experts tells us that you should only feel compelled to check your email a few times day – that you don’t have to respond to everyone within 30 seconds of receiving their message – that is called “asynchronous communication” for a reason. The bottom line, that constant checking is eating in to your productivity and your down time. Set aside time to check a few times a day, but leave it alone for the rest of the time – set your smart phone NOT to alert you each time a new email comes in so you are not compelled to jump to it each time it buzzes/rings/chirps/sings.
Now that all of our electronic distraction devices have been turned off, what about setting aside some down time? Set aside time each day AT work to take a break – go for a short walk, grab some water, stretch, engage in deep breathing exercises, listen to a little music, take a quick nap – all recommended tips to de-stress, refocus, and relax. The amazing thing is your productivity will INCREASE if you do this throughout the day, so that you don’t feel compelled to work at home.
If you are going to have down time at work to increase your productivity, you certainly will have more time for down time, relaxation, and family time at home. Use this time! Schedule in time to play with your kids, make sure you are still dating your spouse several times each month (remember when you would date several times each week?!), develop hobbies to engage in, pick up a new healthy habit like running or weight-lifting. Block off time for you – and don’t let those devices interfere with it!
Drop the time-wasters like a bad habit – or at least set effective boundaries with them. The 20 minute session gossip at the water-cooler, the 15 minute IM session, Mafiavilles and Farm Wars all serve the same purpose; they suck up your time and take away your ‘happy’. They trade productive time or relaxation time and sometimes even money for….. well, I’m not really sure what the trade off is. I know I fell victim to the MafiaFarm trap for a while. And then when I woke up from the glittery haze, I was embarrassed to think of how much time I spent there, instead of being productive or doing something with my family.
In the end, it all comes down to setting boundaries – boundaries with your time, boundaries with your boss, boundaries with your work, boundaries with your life. Electronic devices have made it far too easy for those boundaries to disappear. But they are not to be blamed alone – we have to allow them to take over. By re-establishing those boundaries with your work, your smart phone, your laptop, your boss, etc; you will take back your life, and you won’t let work eat you alive.
Monday, March 14, 2011
9 Things to do with Your Kids Before They're Too Old
9 Things to do with your kids before they’re “too old”
It always makes me sad to here a parent say “I wish I would have done more” when it comes to discussing their children. For whatever reason they didn’t, it’s always sad to hear somebody wish for something that can never be returned to them – their child’s childhood.
On the other, I revel in the opportunity to hear about the time parents do spend with their children, and the great fun, learning, and bonding that take place. It’s a joy to hear a parent talk about trying something new with their children, and what they, the parent learned from it, as well as what the child learned.
I want to encourage you and implore you to spend more time with your children. Don’t wait. Don’t let their childhood pass you by. Don’t miss out on the opportunities to connect with them and build your relationship with them.
Here are several great opportunities to invest in your child’s childhood:
Go for a walk. There is something about going for a walk in the woods or even around the block that brings people closer. Getting a little exercise is good for everyone – and combining it with a discussion about the day’s events builds connections and your relationship with your child. Mix things up a bit by allowing your child to lead the walk and where you go, ask them why they choose to go the way they do. Some of my fondest memories as a young man were the times I went hiking with my father, and he would get us “lost” and I would have to lead the way back – it was a great learning opportunity for me, and a memory I will always cherish.
Read a book. Research indicates children of families who read do better in school and in life. Young children benefit from being read to, or reading to their parents – and let’s face it, they love it too! You don’t have to lose that as your child gets older – there are plenty of great books out there that you can read with your child; Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and the Percy Jackson series are just a few that older kids can enjoy with their parents. Read the chapters together through the week and share the story and the ideas it generates for you and your child.
Cook something together – better yet, let them cook for you! Share your favorite recipe and prepare it together, or simply allow your child to make peanut butter and jelly for you. It is an empowering opportunity for them to learn a useful skill, and a chance to bond over a meal – be prepared for a little extra cleanup that you can share too.
Go for a drive. It’s amazing what you can see and talk about during a little drive through the country. Equally as fun is asking your child “straight or turn” at each intersection – let them make the decision to help get you where you are going.
Fix the car. There’s nothing wrong with letting your child get her hands a little dirty changing the oil, or pumping gas, or topping off the fluids in the car. I’m fairly certain either one of my girls could change the oil on their own – if not, they will have plenty more opportunities to help me with it! This is yet another opportunity to learn helpful life skills, but also a chance to ask questions and just be with you. It might take a little longer, but it is worth it to build a memory with your child.
Go geocaching. This is a great little hobby that used to be slightly expensive, but doesn’t have to be any more, if you have a smartphone. Geocaching is kind of like hide-and-seek, employing the multi-billion dollar GPS satellite system to find pieces of Tupperware hidden throughout the world. The last I saw, there are over a million geocaches hidden throughout the world. This is a fun hobby to inspire your child’s curiosity and watch their excitement of searching and finding the cache. Find out more at www.geocaching.com
Talk – ask a lot of questions – and listen to what you they have to say. Your child wants you to listen to them; they want your attention, that’s why they are constantly saying “watch me”, or “look at me” – they want you to pay attention. By talking with them, asking them questions and listening to them, you will let them know you are there for them, and you will decrease their need to engage in negative behavior to get your attention.
Take them to Disney World. I realize that his may not be a possibility for everyone, but I highly encourage you to give it a try once in your child’s childhood – that new big screen tv can wait, or maybe you can squeeze a few more miles out of your car in order to take them to Disney World. It is a trip they will never forget and will always appreciate – it’s an opportunity for you to get in touch with your inner child too.
Tell them you love them. This is the easiest, least expensive, and most impactful thing you can do with your child. Sadly, it is one of the things many children miss, or don’t hear enough. Tell your child that you love them as many times as you can each day – it never gets old.
Whatever you choose to do, whether it is from this list, or your own list, start doing it today. Don’t wait until “things are less stressful”, or “when the time is right” – children grow up to fast, the time will be gone before you know it. Don’t wait to be one of the people saying “I wish I would have done more”.
It always makes me sad to here a parent say “I wish I would have done more” when it comes to discussing their children. For whatever reason they didn’t, it’s always sad to hear somebody wish for something that can never be returned to them – their child’s childhood.
On the other, I revel in the opportunity to hear about the time parents do spend with their children, and the great fun, learning, and bonding that take place. It’s a joy to hear a parent talk about trying something new with their children, and what they, the parent learned from it, as well as what the child learned.
I want to encourage you and implore you to spend more time with your children. Don’t wait. Don’t let their childhood pass you by. Don’t miss out on the opportunities to connect with them and build your relationship with them.
Here are several great opportunities to invest in your child’s childhood:
Go for a walk. There is something about going for a walk in the woods or even around the block that brings people closer. Getting a little exercise is good for everyone – and combining it with a discussion about the day’s events builds connections and your relationship with your child. Mix things up a bit by allowing your child to lead the walk and where you go, ask them why they choose to go the way they do. Some of my fondest memories as a young man were the times I went hiking with my father, and he would get us “lost” and I would have to lead the way back – it was a great learning opportunity for me, and a memory I will always cherish.
Read a book. Research indicates children of families who read do better in school and in life. Young children benefit from being read to, or reading to their parents – and let’s face it, they love it too! You don’t have to lose that as your child gets older – there are plenty of great books out there that you can read with your child; Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and the Percy Jackson series are just a few that older kids can enjoy with their parents. Read the chapters together through the week and share the story and the ideas it generates for you and your child.
Cook something together – better yet, let them cook for you! Share your favorite recipe and prepare it together, or simply allow your child to make peanut butter and jelly for you. It is an empowering opportunity for them to learn a useful skill, and a chance to bond over a meal – be prepared for a little extra cleanup that you can share too.
Go for a drive. It’s amazing what you can see and talk about during a little drive through the country. Equally as fun is asking your child “straight or turn” at each intersection – let them make the decision to help get you where you are going.
Fix the car. There’s nothing wrong with letting your child get her hands a little dirty changing the oil, or pumping gas, or topping off the fluids in the car. I’m fairly certain either one of my girls could change the oil on their own – if not, they will have plenty more opportunities to help me with it! This is yet another opportunity to learn helpful life skills, but also a chance to ask questions and just be with you. It might take a little longer, but it is worth it to build a memory with your child.
Go geocaching. This is a great little hobby that used to be slightly expensive, but doesn’t have to be any more, if you have a smartphone. Geocaching is kind of like hide-and-seek, employing the multi-billion dollar GPS satellite system to find pieces of Tupperware hidden throughout the world. The last I saw, there are over a million geocaches hidden throughout the world. This is a fun hobby to inspire your child’s curiosity and watch their excitement of searching and finding the cache. Find out more at www.geocaching.com
Talk – ask a lot of questions – and listen to what you they have to say. Your child wants you to listen to them; they want your attention, that’s why they are constantly saying “watch me”, or “look at me” – they want you to pay attention. By talking with them, asking them questions and listening to them, you will let them know you are there for them, and you will decrease their need to engage in negative behavior to get your attention.
Take them to Disney World. I realize that his may not be a possibility for everyone, but I highly encourage you to give it a try once in your child’s childhood – that new big screen tv can wait, or maybe you can squeeze a few more miles out of your car in order to take them to Disney World. It is a trip they will never forget and will always appreciate – it’s an opportunity for you to get in touch with your inner child too.
Tell them you love them. This is the easiest, least expensive, and most impactful thing you can do with your child. Sadly, it is one of the things many children miss, or don’t hear enough. Tell your child that you love them as many times as you can each day – it never gets old.
Whatever you choose to do, whether it is from this list, or your own list, start doing it today. Don’t wait until “things are less stressful”, or “when the time is right” – children grow up to fast, the time will be gone before you know it. Don’t wait to be one of the people saying “I wish I would have done more”.
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