Sunday, July 31, 2011

Rules for Fair Fighting

Disagreeing, arguing, debating, fighting, bickering, cold-shouldering, compromising, not compromising, call it what you will, it happens in every relationship. Fortunately.


That’s right, arguing is good for every relationship, as long as it is done “correctly” – it can improve the relationship, build consensus, and a focused shared goal in mind, as long as it doesn’t do permanent damage to the relationship.

So, everybody tap gloves, return to your respect corner, and come out swinging.

Here are the rules:

No verbal attacks. Name calling and personal insults will not solve the problem, but they will make it worse – for a long time. The person you are arguing with is NOT the “enemy”. Stick with the facts, and deal with the issue at hand. Although you may be at odds with each other during an argument, you and your partner are still a team. By not saying anything personally insulting you are safeguarding the interests of both of you for the future, rather than trying to win and score points personally.

Own your own feelings – also known as “no YOU statements”. “You” statements are the beginning of a personal attack, and often leave the other person defensive, resulting in another stalemate. What works better is making statements like “I feel …….. when you ……”. This shares the situation from your perspective, states your side of the argument, and is much easier for your partner to hear. Most importantly, it lets your partner know how their actions and behavior impact you – which brings you closer, helps build connection, and can lead to true understanding.

Stick to the point. No disagreement gets solved when ALL the disagreements and injustices from the past two years are brought in to the argument. Stick to the issue at hand, work through to a solution, and then let last year’s issues stay in last year until you have time to focus on it exclusively – you may find that you don’t need to bring it back up, but only use it for “ammunition” in other arguments. That’s cheating. When you focus on only one topic at a time, you can work to a solution and move on; but bringing up multiple old issues or injustices only drags the disagreement out, and will only end in a stalemate.

Be honest. Both partners have to commit to being honest and to the point in a disagreement. Nothing gets solved if you are avoiding the truth, only to let the issues surface again later. Be honest in taking responsibility for your flaws in the situation, and be honest in what you need or are asking for.

Know the difference between “Solvable Problems” and “Perpetual Problems”. Solvable problems like Who Takes Out the Trash and Where are We Spending the Holidays have a solution that can eventually be identified and agreed upon. Perpetual problems like She’s Christian but I’m Atheist or How Much Intimacy is Not Enough don’t have such an easy solution, but may be more emotionally charged. Perpetual problems take more time, care, and attention, and might benefit from professional intervention. Read more about Perpetual Problems in Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Keep it private. Not in front of the kids, or the neighbors, or with friends. It only makes the problem worse.

Keep it brief. Again, you are disagreeing with a friend, partner, or spouse; not an enemy. There is no logical reason to keep it going for days, unless your objective is to punish the one you care about.

Silent treatment / withholding affection & intimacy. Also cheating in a “fair fight”. This prolongs the disagreement, and makes for a new disagreement later on.

Time out. Even boxers get a time out every few minutes. If the argument gets too heated, or if there isn’t a solution in sight, it’s time to take a break. There is nothing wrong with taking a 30 minute, or a 30 hour, break to cool down and think through the situation. Saying something like “This is too heated, can we talk about it in an hour?”, or “let’s get back to this tomorrow”, will help preserve the relationship, and give each side a chance to calm down and think through the situation.

Short, sweet, and to the point; not just this list, but also how your disagreements should be handled.

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