Rotten Weather Family Time

I was hoping for some nice family time outside - maybe raking up some of these leave - but as I look out the window of my writing space, I see gray skies, wind whipping around, and rain blowing sideways... Not the day outside I was hoping for.

We are getting near that time of year where good times outside are becoming fewer and farther between. But that does not mean "family time" needs to come to a halt as our outside walks do.

Family movie time has been a long-standing tradition. I think it was started by Disney and ABC back in the 1980's... at least in my mind it was. I remember excitedly looking forward to whatever Walt and Jiminy Cricket would put on that evening. It was always fun, and usually pretty "wholesome" - what I call "healthy" and "appropriate" today - something we don't seem to have enough of on tv "these days".

As we prepare to face these cold and rainy days and nights, I thought it might help if I put together a brief listing of my favorite family movies, and some ways you can use them to grow closer together.

The Incredibles - this is a great entertaining way to talk about family values. Watching a family of superheroes might call to questions like: if we were superheroes, what superpowers would we have? What would stand for as a superhero family? How are we similar to the family in the movie - how are we different?

There are quite a few movies out there on coping with parental expectations - yes Mom & Dad, sometimes we may have ideas that our little one may just not be able to, or may not WANT to, live up to. Talking about these expectations, and understanding where your child coming from, is a great way to bond and guide your child. A few of my favorite family movies that start this conversation:

How to Train Your Dragon - fun film about living up to dad's expectations in your own way - and superseding them if given the chance. This is easily one of my favorites of the past few years.

Kicking and Screaming - great children's movie with Will Ferrell as a too-competitive soccer-coach-dad trying to coach a team to beat HIS too-competitive soccer-coach-dad. Great humor with a great message, and one for all of us parent-coaches to check in with once in a while.

Willy Wonka OR Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - both great movies, but the newer Tim Burton / Johnny Depp work is a little "darker", but ripe with more meaning. I like that one for older kids. Either way, whichever you choose, both have plenty of opportunity for conversation - the roles and behavior of the various "not-so-nice" kids, Willy's relationship with his father in the Burton movie, Charlie's relationship with his family in both movies. Whichever one you choose, look for the opportunities to relate to your family.

Another idea for the older kids in the family - just about any one of the recent Marvel Super Hero movies ; Fantastic Four, X-Men, Wolverine, Iron Man, Daredevil, Spiderman, etc., is ripe with themes of rising above personal tragedy, family relationships, teamwork, and conquering obstacles. Once you get past all the imagery and "ZAP - BANG" (which is why we watch them, right?), take a look at them for the ideas that relate to you and your family.

So the next time you face a rainy day, or a cold snowy evening; grab a bag of popcorn, and a good movie to start the family conversation.

Quick Tips for Effective Discipline

There aren't many jobs that are guaranteed to last 18+ years. Once you agree to it, you've signed on for a two-decade run. Few jobs are as difficult. No job is as full of ups and downs, sadness, frustration, elation, and joy. No benefits or salary any place else could even come close.

Parenting.

It's the toughest job any of us could have ever signed up or.

Fortunately, there are plenty of guides available - just check your local bookstore. The frightening part is that they all say something different. In the end, you are left to take a little of what you learned from your parents, compromise with your teammate co-parent, and figure it out on your own.

Fortunately, as long as you show up every day and give it your all, you'll do an outstanding job. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Trust your gut. You are endowed with an amazing "PARENTAL INSTINCT" the moment your child is born - never doubt it.

Ask for help when you need it.

There is plenty more advice I could offer, but that's a good place to start for general information. I thought I would provide some keys to effective discipline to consider. It seems to be an area we all struggle with - I know I do - and I've heard the stories of other's who do as well.

Discipline with love

Listen and communicate

Focus on the behavior, not the child

Respond immediately

Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity

Be realistic

Remain calm

Be fair

Do not harm or injure

Set boundaries

Make it a learning opportunity

Be consistent

Be creative

Develop rules and expectations in advance

Use timeouts

Reward or praise desirable behaviors

Model desired behavior

Encourage the child's cooperation and understanding

Develop behavioral contracts and incentive charts

You may be using a few of these already - the more you use, the better. You don't have to use them all - you don't have to be perfect. You've got quite a while to work on them. They work for entire span of the job.

Dan Recommends


A few of my favorite parenting tomes:

This is a great series for all ages of children:



My favorite for Dad's with daughters, and a book I have read just about every year since my first daughter was born:


Finally, a series of awesome books on how to connect with loved ones - this one specifically for kids, but there's also a great one for couples:

Life Lessons from the Trail (Again)

What a wonderfully amazing and beautiful trip into the back woods of the northern "mitten" of Michigan. It was really one of those trips that are hard to describe in words. We went just at the right time, and had brought with us considerable learning from our previous endeavors. We felt well prepared. But it's funny how you might only remember the good things.

Because, on the other hand, as I think about it; it was a cold, rainy, windy trip. It rained the entire first day. The only thing protecting us from the 30-35 mph winds at night was a few sheets of nylon and polyester. The second night, it was bitter cold - just a bit above freezing. Again, there were lessons to be learned - lessons that not only apply to hiking and camping, but to life in general.

DREAM - somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we seem to lose the ability to dream big. I'm not sure why, but it seems taboo to dream big as an adult. If it wasn't for dreaming big, we never would have thought of this particular trip.

PLAN - we have such a great opportunity to dream and then plan unique experiences that previous generations didn't - all because of the internet. There are so many possibilities to see, do, and travel, that it seems like such a waste not to plan something big, or plan something to get out of the house on the weekend. It doesn't have to be hundreds of miles away, but could be a local festival or event in your community. Planning, getting up and off the couch, boosts self-esteem, increases relationships, and really just feels good!

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT - this can be applied to hobbies, work, relationships or personal growth. Get out and do something you haven't done before. A year ago, it didn't seem possible to hike 20+ miles through a National Forest, carrying everything to survive in a backpack. It took the investment of a lot of time and energy to get there; we had to stretch far outside our comfort zones to get there. There was a lot to learn. In striving to do something different, we are forced to learn, to adapt, to grow. The more we do, the more we grow as individuals.

NETWORK - social networks are more than just a screen, and keyboard, and a Facebook account. Research over the past 50 years continues to prove that the more friends we have, the more people we spent time with in conversation and affiliation, the healthier we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Time spent with friends should be uplifting and enjoyable, and leave us feeling better for the experience.

It's a beautiful time of year. I encourage you to dream, plan, and do with friends and family. It is a simple step to improve your overall health, and to simply enjoy life.

Dan Recommends


If I have at all inspired you to even consider backpacking, hiking, or camping, these two books are the place to start:

The definitive guide for just about every question you might have, from the guy who has hiked around the world several times over - literally: The Backpacker's Handbook, and my favorite piece of hiking lore, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trailis a very funny and invigorating story of the author's attempts at hiking the Appalachian Trail.

On the other hand, if you are more of a festival goer in the Midwest, this one is a great one for families: Kids Love Indiana: A Parent's Guide to Exploring Fun Places in Indiana With Children...Year Round!


Enjoy!

The Dangerous Side of Self-Talk

I always hated public speaking. My first speech in my first speech class was horrifying. My classmates were concerned I was going to drop dead on the spot. I sweat profusely enough that it was raining on my notes. My face was beet red - I may have stopped breathing for 8-9 minutes. It was bad. From that moment on I swore never to speak publicly again.

What a cruel joke life can play on us. I've had to do quite a bit of public speaking over the past 15+ years. Initially, it was by force; eventually, I grew to like it. Today, I think it is quite fun. Rumor has it, I'm pretty "OK" at it. So it wasn't that big of a deal when I was asked to read in front of the entire church this past weekend. It wasn't even like I was speaking, just reading. I knew to take the time to review the material and practice a few times. It should've been a piece of cake, just like it had been a dozen times before.

Apparently, life had a few lessons to remind me of that day - because they came flooding back once I was up there, stammering in front of 100 people (no, wait, maybe it was 200 - surely it was a thousand; possibly even ten thousand, my mind raced...)

It really is an amazing phenomenon how your brain can split off and do multiple things at one time - "multi-tasking" we sometimes call it today.

While I was up there reading a few verses I had practiced for several days, my mind was going everywhere it shouldn't. My self-talk was in danger of derailing the entire situation. While I was only reading for a few moments, my brain was able to conjure up a million negative thoughts, ideas, and appraisals - all directed at how terrible I was doing. Imagine these ideas coming at you at light-speed, all generated by your own voice in your head:

- Everyone is looking at you
- They can't even hear you
- Why are they looking at you like that
- You learned the wrong stuff!
- Nobody is even paying attention
- You are reading the wrong stuff!
- I knew you would say the wrong word there!
- You are TERRIBLE at this!
- Your stammering
- You're sweating!
- Can they see me sweat?
- Your voice is cracking
- You should stop
- He's going to tell you to stop


Of course, the other obvious idea that came to mind was, "you should really write about this".

I know many of us experience this phenomenon of negative self-talk throughout the day. When we experience it too much, it can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health, or self-esteem, relationships, and our work. The bottom line is, it's just not healthy to go through your day telling yourself these negative things, ESPECIALLY when they are irrational, unreal, and far from the truth!

There are a variety of ways to reverse this course. Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It really can be as simple as saying more positive things to yourself: I am succeeding, I'm not too bad at this, I'll get through this, etc.

Taking the time away from a critical situation to consider your negative self-talk can also help. Once you read this article, take a few minutes to write down a list of the negative things you say to yourself. Then write the positive on the other side of the paper. In doing that, you have just taken a huge step in changing your self-talk.

Dan Recommends

Just as patterns of negative self-talk can impact our mental and emotional health; negative patterns in our relationships can have an unhealthy effect on us, and those around us. I've found myself recommending this book to a lot of people lately - if you are struggling in your marriage, or would simply like to improve an already strong relationship, this is a great research based, but easy to read guide.