Monday, December 27, 2010

It's the End of the Year as We Know It

I've talked quite a bit about goal setting and reviewing the past year here in these articles, and in my daily work. I thought that if I was prescribing this for everyone else, it would probably be a good idea for me to engage in some of the same behavior. So I thought it might be helpful for both you and I if I shared some of my goals for the upcoming year - hopefully you can help me with that much needed accountability, and I can do the same for you.

2010 has been a heck of a ride - both personally and globally. The year had its share of up's and down's - of course, I am hoping for more up's than down's in the next year. I've thought of quite a few goals to help - ironically, I found it easy to write about the theory of effective goal setting a few weeks ago, but not so easy to implement in my own goal-setting; specific, measurable, and time-stamped - let's see if I can do that here. Finally, I get the feeling that there will be plenty of accountability through writing these down - maybe more than I bargain for.

A New Direction Counseling website and newsletter make-over. That's right, it's time to update and revamp the website and newsletter. I'm not sure what it will look like for sure - I've got a bunch of ideas dancing around - but it's going to be different. If not by the end of March 2011, then I expect some loud and obvious 'accountability' directed my way.

More opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" in the new site. I had quite a bit of fun creating the Food and Your Mental Health audios. I've got quite a few ideas to offer assistance when it comes to your mental health and wellness, and that of your family, short of coming in to my office. I think 2011 is the year to share more of those ideas. So, by the close of 2011, expect at least two new opportunities for "Take Home Therapy" available on the website. I'm not sure if that will come in the form of audio, video, or printed material, but it will be something - two somethings - by the end of the year.

Let me ask you, what are some topics or ideas you would like to see covered in a "Take Home Therapy" section outside of this newsletter? What do you think would benefit our communities? Feel free to email or comment with your ideas.

A book. Maybe two. From inside my head, to a bound collection of paper - or something more electronic in its representation, like an E-book. I've been putting this off for too long, and now 2011 is the year I will do it. It may be as simple as a collection of articles from over the years, things I have printed here or not. Then again, it could be original work along the lines of the Family Plan idea I've been sketching out - it could be both. Either way, you will see 1-2 books / e-books from me in 2011. If they are not in your hand within 370 days - I would appreciate a large amount of accountability.

Finally, one more half-marathon. May 2011. I'm already registered, now I only need to get to the starting line then to the finish line with a few miles in between. This time around, I hope to maintain my streak of beating my training partner - which should be too hard, as I would assume he is reading this article with a donut in one hand, and the tv remote in the other hand. This time around, I'd like to train consistently enough to beat my previous outings by at least a few minutes. It's been three years since I wasn't even able to run for one sustained minute. To celebrate, I'd like to beat my old time by 3-minutes. That's as simple as following the training schedule that starts in January. I'm going to need some accountability and discipline for that.

Four BIG goals - two by the end of the year; two in the first half of the year. I can do it. It's going to be a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

What about you?

What are your BIG goals for next year? Have you started planning yet? Have you written them down and thought about how to hold yourself accountable? Who will help you with your accountability?

Enjoy the rest of 2010. Make a great new year.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

5 Tips for a Happy and Healthy Holiday

Many of us are wrapping up our holiday preparations – or anxious pressing full-steam-ahead to complete them. This is a time of year characterized by time with family, time away from work, and a celebration of family traditions and our spiritual life.

It is also a time of year characterized by stress and some unhealthy behaviors. Here are a few suggestions to prevent the stress from getting to you, and to help insure you have a Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays.

- Indulge often, but in moderation. You know this is the time of year when we have some of those special treats that are only brought out for the holidays – cookies and desserts we remember from childhood, traditional family meals, all those things that make the holidays special. Enjoy them – treat yourself – a little bit. Trying to avoid all of those goodies will only make you grumpy and difficult to be around; eating them with reckless abandon will make you feel guilty and bloated; but finding the right bit of moderation to sample is the key to enjoying holiday food.
- Embrace the pace. Whether you have a whirlwind of travel plans to visit every family member in one day, or a relaxed day at home, know what the day holds, and prepare for it. Whatever your traditions for the holidays, whatever your plans; prepare for them, embrace them, and enjoy.
- Spend wisely. You may have read this previously, but it bears repeating – there is no more sure-fire way to cause yourself undue holiday stress, than to spend too much or to leverage your credit cards for holiday gifts. Spend smart, and go in to 2011 with a solid financial plan.
- Enjoy family traditions – or start some new ones. Traditions help to keep us grounded and connected to our past, and to important relationships – starting new traditions builds new connections with family and friends.
- Have realistic expectations – there are few, if any, times in life where everything is “perfect”, yet we still have at tendency to aim for it – which can often be one of the greatest stressors we put ourselves through during the holidays. Rather than trying to make everyone happy with the “perfect” gift and a “perfect” gathering; set goals for what is “good enough” for you and your family.

Enjoy! Maybe that should be the easiest and most obvious tip. Whatever you do, whomever you are with, where ever you are – have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

How to Design a Successful New Year's Resolution

2010 is coming to a close – there’s still quite a few days left to be enjoyed in the year, and I hope you are making plans to have a wonderful close to 2010. It is usually this time of year when we start talking about “resolutions” for next year . OK, so most of us don’t start
thinking about these resolutions for a few more weeks, but if you want them to be successful, I’m here to encourage you to start thinking about your goals now, versus on December 31st.

What factors help to make a goal successful? Or, a better question may be, how can you insure that you will be successful in YOUR goals in 2011?

Your goal should be specific and measureable. If you want to lose weight or become healthier, it is helpful to define what that means in specific and measureable terms. How much weight do you want to lose? What, specifically, does it mean to be “healthier” – less fast food, more veggies, a combination of both? If you want to put yourself in a better financial situation, how do you plan to do that? Will you save more? How much? Will you spend less? How much less? The first step in setting a goal and working towards success is to make that goal specific and measureable.

The next biggest factor in insuring your goal is successful is to put an expiration date on it – time stamp it – put it on the calendar. By adding a sense of time and urgency, you encourage yourself to break down the goal into bite-sized chunks over smaller periods of time. If you want to lose 20 pounds, when do you want to lose it by; March? June? Next year? 20 pounds in two months is an average of 2.5 pounds per week; extending that goal out 6 months makes it even easier. But the bottom line is setting a time limit helps you to make a more realistic weekly break-down. This works just as easily for financial goals – whether saving or paying down debt – by setting a measureable goal with a time-stamp, you can break it down into smaller, manageable chunks.

Finally, one key factor in achieving your goals is to build in accountability. You can be accountable to yourself by writing the goal down and reviewing your progress every week – you can also incorporate a variety of tools – there are tons online and just as many you can put on your phone for weight-loss, exercise, calorie counting, financial saving, etc. Sometimes, adding accountability is as simple as asking a trusted friend or companion to hold you accountable to your goal, or to work with you on the same goal.

Have a great holiday season, Merry Christmas, and good luck in the new year.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Are You the World's Worst Boss?

Complain about your boss all you want, you might be an even worse boss. In fact, you might be The World’s Worst Boss. At least that was the message in a recent article I read by Seth Godin. You can read the full article here: http://bit.ly/dTb78J . In it, he shares a variety of reasons why you might be the world’s worst boss – I really encourage you to read the whole thing, as I’m going to focus only on two words he wrote in the article, the idea of “managing yourself”.

As the article says, there are quite a few books available on the science and business of managing others, not so many on managing yourself. Even with that, managing others is a tough task – ask anyone who has to do it on a daily basis.

But what about the idea of managing yourself? There aren’t as many books out there on that topic, if there are any at all. We seem to live in a time when managing yourself is a necessary life-skill, but NOT managing yourself is the standard.

What would it look like if you were a better manager of yourself?
Managers have the responsibility of appropriately managing a variety of resources. How do you manage your resources?

How do you manage your time? Are you overworking yourself, or not using time effectively?

What about your finances – do you have enough coming in, or too much going out?
How do you manage the “natural resources” you have, like food?

Are you effectively managing your “culture”, your social connections?

Are you a good boss? How would you assess your performance and how you manage your self?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

How to Deal with "New" Holiday Traditions

As I sit here on Black Friday, writing for an article to be released on Cyber Monday, pondering Small Business Saturday, and feeling absolutely stuffed from our Thanksgiving meal, I was struck with the fact that we have some pretty crazy ways to handle ourselves at this time of the year!

I mean, really, did I HAVE to eat that much yesterday? It WAS pretty good – I have some pretty amazing cooks in my family – so it was more like absolutely delicious; but so is most food this time of year! If you are like me, food is good ANY time of the year! Why do we plan to stuff ourselves mercilessly, and then moan when we are at the point of bursting? How many news flashes have you seen preparing you for all the weight you’re are going to put on this next month, and what you need to do about it after the fact?

And what about this idea that we simply must go out and indulge every instinct we have to spend extravagantly? There are some really good deals out there today, and over the next few weeks, but that still doesn’t mean you need them! In some ways, it’s as though we have been programmed to act against our own better judgment in the name of the holidays. How many of you looked back at that Billy the Bass Singing Fish and thought, ‘did I really buy that’? There are millions of stories like it.

Finally, the other new tradition that is a little unsettling is this idea that we must fear our families and experience excessively large degrees of anxiety at the thought of being with them over the holidays, or we just don’t love them enough. Look, my family is as crazy as anyone’s (I can say that publicly, because I’m pretty sure they won’t see this – if they do see it… just testing!), but there is no need to development the stress and anxiety that the movies and popular media tell us we must in order to show our “love” for our families.

It seems we’ve gotten things a little mixed up over the years, so I thought I would suggest some advice as we begin this ‘most wonderful time of the year’, so that you don’t have to begin planning a next year of resolutions and regret.

- Plan your eating. You know this is a rough time of year for the waist-line, start exercising now, not in a month. Volunteer to bring healthy dish to the office-party of family gathering instead of the cheesy-macaroni with extra cheese baked in butter-cheese with a side of cheese-sauce (yeah, it IS good, but…) Read up on healthy alternative out there at places like Eat This Not That, Men’s Health, or Women’s Health. Be conscious of what you are doing to your body, take care of it so that you can full enjoy the holiday season.
- Spend wisely. Like I said, just because a $1000 television is on sale for $500 dollars doesn’t mean I need to go spend $500 “because it’s on sale”. “Sale” is a marketing wizard’s way of saying ‘come spend money you never intended to spend’. Be smart with your finances. Spend money, not credit. Seek advice from people who know – I am a huge fan of the books of Dave Ramsey and his website DaveRamsey.com; Clark Howard also offers great advice on his website and radio show. If nothing else, keep in mind that time spend and memories created is a far better gift than a trinket.
- If you completed the ‘homework’ in my last article, I hope that “family”, in some way or another, was near the top of your gratitude list. Be grateful for your family. Plan for a little holiday dysfunction, embrace it, prepare for it; but most importantly enjoy it – it’s part of your family and who you are.

I hope you have a wonderful, enjoyable, and blessed holiday season.

Dan Recommends:



If you are looking to improve your physical health, this is the book that got me started:

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Giving Thanks - More Than a Meal

Gratitude isn’t an easy concept to practice on a regular basis. We take one holiday each year to focus in on it – but it seems that amidst the cooking, cleaning, preparing, and family dysfunction, we tend to forget that the day was originally intended to offer thanks and gratitude for a bountiful harvest, and the relationships that helped achieve that harvest.

How does this relate to Mental Health and Wellness, you might ask? The study of gratitude has been quite the hot topic in the field of Positive Psychology over the past ten years. But rather than discuss the research literature of trait gratitude (the individual differences in how people feel and express gratitude) versus state gratitude (the pro’s and con’s of the short-term experience of the emotional state of gratitude) I thought it might be a bit more helpful to share with you an exercise in gratitude, and challenge you to find gratitude on your own this week.

This is a fairly simple exercise I used to do with young people and their families year ago – this can be either an individual or family exercise. Grab a piece of paper and something to write with for each person, and list all the things you are grateful for. Set a time limit, or to really challenge yourself, try to come up with 101 things you are grateful for. Once you get past the “easy” ideas, you will really start to realize all that you have. This is a great exercise for this time of year, but, much like the concept of gratitude itself, should be practiced more regularly.

My challenge for you this week – complete a gratitude list by yourself, or with your family. Take the time to discuss it with your family. I’ll get you started:

1. A loving wife who appreciates me despite my flaws (most of the time)
2. Two beautiful daughters and the joy and stress that comes with raising them
3. A career that provides for my family, and allows me to help others
4. A community that supports my ventures in life, but keeps me grounded
5. A fun and loving extended family that is a blessing to share the holidays with, quirks and all
6. My family of origin, who helped to mold me into the person I am today, again, quirks and all
7. Readers who tolerate my rantings, and appreciate what I have to share
8. ____________________________________________

Your turn – what would you add to the list? How many more items could you add?

Have a safe and enjoyable holiday!

Dan Recommends

Even though the Gratitude List is an exercise I used to do many years ago, I was reminded of it after reading the latest book by Rainn Wilson (yes, he IS Dwight for The Office) and company: SoulPancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions
- it's a fairly eclectic collection of art an ideas. If you like self-exploration on some of life's more intersting questions, add tis one to your list.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Do Your Friends Make You Smarter?

Admittedly, I am no expert on the ever-increasing popularity of the social phenomenon Twitter and Facebook have created. I do know that the more social connections you have - the better you are. The more real face-to-face friendships you have, the better life is. There is a large body of research that agrees with that statement and that can add statistics and theory to it. An entire field of psychology, Social Psychology, is dedicated to the study of how we interact, and what it does to us.

Friends are good. More friends are better, no matter what the situation. Friendships can help you recover from terrible situations in life. They can help you avoid terrible situations as well. Friendships fight of mental illness, and can prevent poor decisions. I was given several opportunities lately to put that research to the test - one happy reason, a wedding; and a sad reason, a funeral.

Whatever the reason, it is important for us to continually work to improve our friendships, cultivate new ones, and maintain the ones we have. Here's why:

- When our own subjective view of reality gets a little bit distorted - whether about ourselves, our careers, or our other relationships, good friends are there to objectively reintroduce us to reality - whether gently or more directly, a good friend is there when we need to hear "get it together".

- Research says friends will also engage in mutually helpingbehavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. What does that mean? It means that when you need a hand, a friend is there - and you should be there when they need that hand.

- Want to feel better - call a friend. Better yet, spend an afternoon reminiscing over "the good old days". Taking the time to get together and remember the past is a key to a healthy life.

- Want to live longer and stay smarter? Build more friendships and maintain them - research in older adults continues to point out that the more friends, and the more stable the relationships, the better we are at maintaining mental flexibility and fighting off the negative aspects of aging.

Hopefully, these points are no major revelation to anyone reading this. However, in a time of greater digital connectivity, we seem to be losing some of our connectivity in friendships. Relationships where we had to work to build a "friendship" are being replaced by clicking "Accept" to become friends. These concepts should be self-evident, but sometimes it is good to be reminded.

For me, it was great connecting over that week of ups and downs. Life can sometimes work you pretty hard - but don't let it work you too hard to miss out on one the most enjoyable, and most important parts of life - friendships.

So, as the holidays approach, take some time away from all the "busy-ness" of the upcoming weeks to rebuild or improve your friendships. As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to thank all those friends that have helped me grow, but kept me in check, helped me move quickly, or slowed me down, made me feel smarter, or reminded me that I am not as smart as I like to think I am. Thanks. Let's get together soon.


Dan Recommends


I've shared my appreciation for Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail. Bryson is simply a great author who can make anything entertaining. So it was an easy decision to pick up his latest book A Short History of Nearly Everything: Special Illustrated Edition

First of all, it's not short, nor is it small. But it does appear to contain EVERYTHING! It's fairly deep, so I am only in the first chapter How to Build a Universe; and, true to form, it's been quite a read already. Bryson has gone pretty deep to help simple people like me understand the origins of the universe, the various theories leading up to the Big Bang, and where "God" and science fit in to the whole thing. I'll tell you more as I read along. If those "deep" questions are something that interest you, I highly recommend this one.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Put a Little "Om" in Your Day

Deep breathing and meditation have long been used by many cultures as an avenue to improved health. These exercises can relieve stress, provide relaxation in the moment, and improve our ability to handle the pressures of daily living. Engaging in these exercises on a daily basis can decrease the symptoms of anxiety and depression. Regular practice will have lasting effects that improve our overall mental, emotional, and physical health.

What is deep breathing? The act of deep breathing itself is simple. Unfortunately, we have become a culture of stressed out, on-the-go, shallow breathers - our daily activity typically keeps us so active, we forget to breathe.

Taking just 10-20 minutes of our day to focus on our breathing and to calm our minds can vastly improve our ability to succeed in our on-the-go days. Again, the practice itself is simple:

- Find a comfortable place to sit. Sitting in an upright position, trying not to slouch, will help open up your midsection and increase your ability to breathe deeply.

- Finding a time and place in our day where we will be uninterrupted for these 10-20 minutes is critical.

- It may be helpful to set a gentle alarm when you are practicing your deep breathing. If you are focused on being done in exactly 10 minutes, it may be difficult to focus on your breathing - setting an alarm takes the focus off the time so that you can just breathe.

- The breathing process itself is simple:

Take in a deep breath through your nose, filling up your lungs and more importantly, filling up your abdomen - the process of breathing in through your nose should take 7-9 seconds. Repeat.


While you are practicing, your mind may wander - especially the first several times you practice, you may find yourself worrying or going back to anxious thoughts. This is your time to focus on your breathing and relax, there will be time for worry and all those other thoughts after you are done.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Do You Need a Pill?

It's nearing that time of year for me to climb up on my soapbox and talk about one my favorite topics - the confluence of medicine and psychology. If it doesn't apply to you, maybe it applies to someone you know.


It's that time of year in that it gets colder and darker and our bodies tend to feel like hibernating. The holidays are drawing near, which is typically a wonderful time of year, but one full of stress to "get things done" and the reality of revisiting the dysfunction of our families - it's a mixed bag to say the least. Let's not forget our tendency to spend more, eat more, and exercise less over the next two months. All factors that lead to the decline in our overall mental health, and the statistically highest rates of depression recorded through the year.

What can you do about it?

You have several options:

If you know you struggle with depression, or anxiety, or seasonal affect disorder; if you have come to the realization over the past few years that you struggle through the holidays, maybe it's time to get some help.

If you have seen your physician for these concerns over the past few years, maybe it's time to check in again. If you have been on the same anti-depressant for a few years, it's probably time to try something different. It's my belief that you really aren't meant to be taking these kinds of medications for extended periods of time, anyway.

Another option is to talk to someone about it. You could chat with a friend or a trusted peer - it might help and you could get some really good advice. However, it could be a good idea to chat with someone with a history of successfully helping people who are struggling with stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Working with a counselor, therapist, social worker, or psychologist will help, and it might be the best solution for your situation. Their job, their education, their vocation in life is to help people who struggle with these issues, it's what they do. If there is a good fit between you and your therapist, the results of the work you do can far surpass your expectations.

Sometimes, most of the time, the best results are found at that confluence of psychology and medicine - when your physician and counselor communicate. Research tells us that the BEST solution to situations such as depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns is a combination of medication and talk therapy.

Your other option is to ride it out - it's only two months. Grind through the stress of the cold months and holidays with a fake smile and an attitude of "bah humbug". Just get through them. Maybe it could help if you had a few drinks to cope, right? Once you get to January, it all get's better... doesn't it?

As a therapist myself, I may be a little biased in saying that the final solution isn't always the best. But like I said, I know I'm biased. With that bias comes a natural inclination to encourage you to match your needs with what is going to help the best. If you historically struggle through the end of the year into the new year - whether it is a family situation, a marriage concern, or difficulty drinking too much through the holidays; or maybe you simply find yourself struggling through the next few months in a haze of depression or anxiety - there is help available. Ask your physician who she would recommend you see in a counseling situation; if they can't refer you to one, give me a call or email, I would be happy to help.

Dan Recommends


If you've read these articles much, you know I'm a huge fan of meditation for anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if I have recommended this work - truly one of my favorites - because I have not been sure if it has been available on Amazon. But now it is. This is a great book and CD on meditation by fellow professor Rev. Sam Boys. If you are at all interested in learning more about meditation with music, I highly recommend you take a look at his book:

Monday, October 25, 2010

Rotten Weather Family Time

I was hoping for some nice family time outside - maybe raking up some of these leave - but as I look out the window of my writing space, I see gray skies, wind whipping around, and rain blowing sideways... Not the day outside I was hoping for.

We are getting near that time of year where good times outside are becoming fewer and farther between. But that does not mean "family time" needs to come to a halt as our outside walks do.

Family movie time has been a long-standing tradition. I think it was started by Disney and ABC back in the 1980's... at least in my mind it was. I remember excitedly looking forward to whatever Walt and Jiminy Cricket would put on that evening. It was always fun, and usually pretty "wholesome" - what I call "healthy" and "appropriate" today - something we don't seem to have enough of on tv "these days".

As we prepare to face these cold and rainy days and nights, I thought it might help if I put together a brief listing of my favorite family movies, and some ways you can use them to grow closer together.

The Incredibles - this is a great entertaining way to talk about family values. Watching a family of superheroes might call to questions like: if we were superheroes, what superpowers would we have? What would stand for as a superhero family? How are we similar to the family in the movie - how are we different?

There are quite a few movies out there on coping with parental expectations - yes Mom & Dad, sometimes we may have ideas that our little one may just not be able to, or may not WANT to, live up to. Talking about these expectations, and understanding where your child coming from, is a great way to bond and guide your child. A few of my favorite family movies that start this conversation:

How to Train Your Dragon - fun film about living up to dad's expectations in your own way - and superseding them if given the chance. This is easily one of my favorites of the past few years.

Kicking and Screaming - great children's movie with Will Ferrell as a too-competitive soccer-coach-dad trying to coach a team to beat HIS too-competitive soccer-coach-dad. Great humor with a great message, and one for all of us parent-coaches to check in with once in a while.

Willy Wonka OR Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - both great movies, but the newer Tim Burton / Johnny Depp work is a little "darker", but ripe with more meaning. I like that one for older kids. Either way, whichever you choose, both have plenty of opportunity for conversation - the roles and behavior of the various "not-so-nice" kids, Willy's relationship with his father in the Burton movie, Charlie's relationship with his family in both movies. Whichever one you choose, look for the opportunities to relate to your family.

Another idea for the older kids in the family - just about any one of the recent Marvel Super Hero movies ; Fantastic Four, X-Men, Wolverine, Iron Man, Daredevil, Spiderman, etc., is ripe with themes of rising above personal tragedy, family relationships, teamwork, and conquering obstacles. Once you get past all the imagery and "ZAP - BANG" (which is why we watch them, right?), take a look at them for the ideas that relate to you and your family.

So the next time you face a rainy day, or a cold snowy evening; grab a bag of popcorn, and a good movie to start the family conversation.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Quick Tips for Effective Discipline

There aren't many jobs that are guaranteed to last 18+ years. Once you agree to it, you've signed on for a two-decade run. Few jobs are as difficult. No job is as full of ups and downs, sadness, frustration, elation, and joy. No benefits or salary any place else could even come close.

Parenting.

It's the toughest job any of us could have ever signed up or.

Fortunately, there are plenty of guides available - just check your local bookstore. The frightening part is that they all say something different. In the end, you are left to take a little of what you learned from your parents, compromise with your teammate co-parent, and figure it out on your own.

Fortunately, as long as you show up every day and give it your all, you'll do an outstanding job. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Trust your gut. You are endowed with an amazing "PARENTAL INSTINCT" the moment your child is born - never doubt it.

Ask for help when you need it.

There is plenty more advice I could offer, but that's a good place to start for general information. I thought I would provide some keys to effective discipline to consider. It seems to be an area we all struggle with - I know I do - and I've heard the stories of other's who do as well.

Discipline with love

Listen and communicate

Focus on the behavior, not the child

Respond immediately

Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity

Be realistic

Remain calm

Be fair

Do not harm or injure

Set boundaries

Make it a learning opportunity

Be consistent

Be creative

Develop rules and expectations in advance

Use timeouts

Reward or praise desirable behaviors

Model desired behavior

Encourage the child's cooperation and understanding

Develop behavioral contracts and incentive charts

You may be using a few of these already - the more you use, the better. You don't have to use them all - you don't have to be perfect. You've got quite a while to work on them. They work for entire span of the job.

Dan Recommends


A few of my favorite parenting tomes:

This is a great series for all ages of children:



My favorite for Dad's with daughters, and a book I have read just about every year since my first daughter was born:


Finally, a series of awesome books on how to connect with loved ones - this one specifically for kids, but there's also a great one for couples:

Monday, October 11, 2010

Life Lessons from the Trail (Again)

What a wonderfully amazing and beautiful trip into the back woods of the northern "mitten" of Michigan. It was really one of those trips that are hard to describe in words. We went just at the right time, and had brought with us considerable learning from our previous endeavors. We felt well prepared. But it's funny how you might only remember the good things.

Because, on the other hand, as I think about it; it was a cold, rainy, windy trip. It rained the entire first day. The only thing protecting us from the 30-35 mph winds at night was a few sheets of nylon and polyester. The second night, it was bitter cold - just a bit above freezing. Again, there were lessons to be learned - lessons that not only apply to hiking and camping, but to life in general.

DREAM - somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we seem to lose the ability to dream big. I'm not sure why, but it seems taboo to dream big as an adult. If it wasn't for dreaming big, we never would have thought of this particular trip.

PLAN - we have such a great opportunity to dream and then plan unique experiences that previous generations didn't - all because of the internet. There are so many possibilities to see, do, and travel, that it seems like such a waste not to plan something big, or plan something to get out of the house on the weekend. It doesn't have to be hundreds of miles away, but could be a local festival or event in your community. Planning, getting up and off the couch, boosts self-esteem, increases relationships, and really just feels good!

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT - this can be applied to hobbies, work, relationships or personal growth. Get out and do something you haven't done before. A year ago, it didn't seem possible to hike 20+ miles through a National Forest, carrying everything to survive in a backpack. It took the investment of a lot of time and energy to get there; we had to stretch far outside our comfort zones to get there. There was a lot to learn. In striving to do something different, we are forced to learn, to adapt, to grow. The more we do, the more we grow as individuals.

NETWORK - social networks are more than just a screen, and keyboard, and a Facebook account. Research over the past 50 years continues to prove that the more friends we have, the more people we spent time with in conversation and affiliation, the healthier we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Time spent with friends should be uplifting and enjoyable, and leave us feeling better for the experience.

It's a beautiful time of year. I encourage you to dream, plan, and do with friends and family. It is a simple step to improve your overall health, and to simply enjoy life.

Dan Recommends


If I have at all inspired you to even consider backpacking, hiking, or camping, these two books are the place to start:

The definitive guide for just about every question you might have, from the guy who has hiked around the world several times over - literally: The Backpacker's Handbook, and my favorite piece of hiking lore, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trailis a very funny and invigorating story of the author's attempts at hiking the Appalachian Trail.

On the other hand, if you are more of a festival goer in the Midwest, this one is a great one for families: Kids Love Indiana: A Parent's Guide to Exploring Fun Places in Indiana With Children...Year Round!


Enjoy!

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Dangerous Side of Self-Talk

I always hated public speaking. My first speech in my first speech class was horrifying. My classmates were concerned I was going to drop dead on the spot. I sweat profusely enough that it was raining on my notes. My face was beet red - I may have stopped breathing for 8-9 minutes. It was bad. From that moment on I swore never to speak publicly again.

What a cruel joke life can play on us. I've had to do quite a bit of public speaking over the past 15+ years. Initially, it was by force; eventually, I grew to like it. Today, I think it is quite fun. Rumor has it, I'm pretty "OK" at it. So it wasn't that big of a deal when I was asked to read in front of the entire church this past weekend. It wasn't even like I was speaking, just reading. I knew to take the time to review the material and practice a few times. It should've been a piece of cake, just like it had been a dozen times before.

Apparently, life had a few lessons to remind me of that day - because they came flooding back once I was up there, stammering in front of 100 people (no, wait, maybe it was 200 - surely it was a thousand; possibly even ten thousand, my mind raced...)

It really is an amazing phenomenon how your brain can split off and do multiple things at one time - "multi-tasking" we sometimes call it today.

While I was up there reading a few verses I had practiced for several days, my mind was going everywhere it shouldn't. My self-talk was in danger of derailing the entire situation. While I was only reading for a few moments, my brain was able to conjure up a million negative thoughts, ideas, and appraisals - all directed at how terrible I was doing. Imagine these ideas coming at you at light-speed, all generated by your own voice in your head:

- Everyone is looking at you
- They can't even hear you
- Why are they looking at you like that
- You learned the wrong stuff!
- Nobody is even paying attention
- You are reading the wrong stuff!
- I knew you would say the wrong word there!
- You are TERRIBLE at this!
- Your stammering
- You're sweating!
- Can they see me sweat?
- Your voice is cracking
- You should stop
- He's going to tell you to stop


Of course, the other obvious idea that came to mind was, "you should really write about this".

I know many of us experience this phenomenon of negative self-talk throughout the day. When we experience it too much, it can be detrimental to our mental and emotional health, or self-esteem, relationships, and our work. The bottom line is, it's just not healthy to go through your day telling yourself these negative things, ESPECIALLY when they are irrational, unreal, and far from the truth!

There are a variety of ways to reverse this course. Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. It really can be as simple as saying more positive things to yourself: I am succeeding, I'm not too bad at this, I'll get through this, etc.

Taking the time away from a critical situation to consider your negative self-talk can also help. Once you read this article, take a few minutes to write down a list of the negative things you say to yourself. Then write the positive on the other side of the paper. In doing that, you have just taken a huge step in changing your self-talk.

Dan Recommends

Just as patterns of negative self-talk can impact our mental and emotional health; negative patterns in our relationships can have an unhealthy effect on us, and those around us. I've found myself recommending this book to a lot of people lately - if you are struggling in your marriage, or would simply like to improve an already strong relationship, this is a great research based, but easy to read guide.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Are You Hitting Your Peaks?

There are those glorious moments in life when we just feel like everything is perfect; Maslow summed it up as "those sudden feelings of intense well-being that fill us with wonder and awe; a beautiful sunset in an amazing vacation location, experiencing that "AH HA moment" after searching or an answer, summiting the peak of a previously insurmountable. There are many more to describe, despite how infrequently they seem to occur.


A recent Psychology Today article seems to suggest that we can help ourselves achieve more of these peak moments through a few simple alterations to our decisions and behavior. Here are a few ideas to help you experience more. If your life seems to be passing in a dull blur, try these steps for having more highlights.

Volunteer. The best way to not only create peak experiences, but keep them rolling in like waves, one after another, is to be part o a larger community that is making the world a better place", says Jeffrey Kottler, Professor of Psychology at California State University. "It doesn't really matter where you being... just save one person or join one cause, and let it grow from there. The passion can follow the action."

Challenge yourself. Something I am constantly encouraging others to do, and working on myself. "Periods of struggle to overcome challenges are what people find the most enjoyable times of their lives", says Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, director of the Quality of Life Center at the University of Chicago and author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He advises setting a tough goal and starting on the steps that will lead to success. The challenge can be physical, mental, or a combination, like learning to play a musical instrument, reading the complete works of a famous classical author or poet, or completing a triathlon.

Buy Experiences - Not Things. This idea seems so difficult in a culture that is constantly marketing to us to buy the latest greatest and newest toy. These new toys usually make us extremely happy, for a very short amount of time... I rarely hear people rave about their new phone or computer for more than a few weeks after the purchase - and usually they are complaining if they bought in a manner where they have to pay continually (credit). But you frequently here them share about the amazing vacation they took with their family, or the wonderful dinner they splurged on, or the show that took their breathe away. Buy a child a new toy, and they will eventually forget about it, share time or an experience with your child, and they will talking about it as an adult.

Daydream about the future. "If you want to cultivate more memorable experiences, you have to have a love affair with the future", says Shane Lopez of the Gallup polling organization. "Painting a colorful picture will provide the energy to move forward". Daydreaming about the future, planning a course of action, and achieving is a sure method to more peak moments.

Recommended Reading:
 
If you are looking for more peak experiences and trying to achieve them in a creative way, this book is for you. I love Hugh McLeod's humor and his inspiring art. This book is full of both.

Monday, September 20, 2010

5 Steps to Better Decisions

Do I ask her to marry me? Should I tell him it's over? Can I ask my boss for a raise? Is it time to quit my job? Should I start my own business? Should I spend, or should I save?




Life is full of critical decisions. Every day is full of not so critical, minor decisions. We are constantly confronted with situations where we must decide -so how do you do it? It is it a quick and easy impulse, a decision you've made countless times before, or is it a painstakingly drawn out weighing of advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons?



Whether you are struggling to make an important decision, or working to change your more impulsive decisions, there are five questions you can ask yourself to help you along the way. I've used these questions, originally researched by Maultsby over 20 years ago, to work through my own decisions in life, and to help many others:



Is my thinking based on objective fact? This questions offers you a moment of pause to think about the facts, and to make sure you are considering the "facts" and not just your opinion, wants, needs, impulse, etc. Too many times, we can trace poor decisions back to acting on impulse, and not on fact. Too often, we may think "fact" and "opinion" are interchangeable - when it comes to making effective decisions, they're not.



Does my thinking help protect my life and health? Big decisions really deserve the time to ask if it is protective, and I think we often give those big decisions that thought. It's the small decisions - the daily decisions to eat veggies or drive-through, to hit the snooze button one more time or go exercise - these decisions are the ones we might want to stop and ask ourselves this question more often.



Does this decision advance my short-term and long-term goals? What are your goals in life; goals for today, this week, this year, and this lifetime? When we have goals, and we allow them to impact our daily decisions, we tend to be happier with our decisions.



Does my thinking help me prevent unwanted and unnecessary conflict with myself and others? I know when a decision is going to put me in conflict, especially at home. I think most people recognize when a decision is going to put themselves in conflict, but we choose with immediate gratification versus long-term serenity. A good decision is keeps us out of conflict.



Does my thinking help me feel the way I need to? Quite simply - do I feel guilty if I make this decision? Not all decisions are about guilt, but very often they are about avoiding guilt. Considering the emotional impact of our decisions will often lead to healthier decisions.
 

Monday, September 13, 2010

A Personal Challenge

It's a small exaggeration to say that there were points when we thought one of us was going to die, or at best, we were going to drive each other crazy.

By the time we got to our destination we were out of water, the heat had skyrocketed to over 100 degrees, the flies were as big as small dogs, and the mosquitoes swarmed in cloud-like unison. To make matters worse, we had to turn around and go back 4-5 hours journey to have any hope at cooling off the next day.

It could be said that first trip was an absolute disaster. It was horrible.

We are planning to do it again in just a few weeks.
WHY?

If for no other reason, because it's fun. Seriously. I think there is something enjoyable in pushing yourself to the limits. And we discovered quite a bit about our limits - physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially. We learned a lot during that disastrous little adventure. There are a ton of reasons to give it a try again - reasons most of us should find in our life.

Reason 1 - first, a little bit of research and psycho-babble jargon to make you think - to stretch your cognitive abilities, if you will. Why? Because research says it is important to stretch and exercise your brain just like you stretch and exercise your muscles (you ARE stretching and exercising your muscles, aren't you?)

When we are born, our brain starts out as a flexible, malleable mass of neurons sitting atop our spinal cord - our job is to fill it full of knowledge. This is easier to due in our earlier years - brain cells fire quicker, faster, better when we are younger. As we age, our brain loses it's plasticity; our intelligence becomes more "crystallized" - that's why our thinking becomes more rigid, and our memory becomes more difficult to remember, the older we become.

One way to fight this - to stay nimble of memory, and quick of wit - is to constantly challenge yourself in your daily living. We do that by constantly trying to learn new things, - read, research, discover. Engaging in activities - trying new foods - exploring different opportunities in life - all are great opportunities to stretch your brain and work to maintain that plasticity throughout your life.

Reason 2 - Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger - and in our world where there isn't much that can kill you, it's healthy to step outside your comfort zone and make an attempt to push yourself. Our caveman brothers and sisters had to fear for their lives every time they stepped outside their cave; that helped them to evolve into what we are today. They had to grow stronger, faster, and smarter to survive - we don't have the same environmental forces pushing us, so it's helpful to push ourselves to grow smarter, faster, and stronger in all aspects of our life.

Reason 3 - Failure is good for you (as long as it doesn't kill you - see #2) - some of my greatest revelations in life have come only as a result of attempting to do something great, and failing miserably. There once was a time where those miserable defeats would shut me down for quite a while - they still sting, but I have learned to assess the problem and move on from it - to grow from it and try again. This has been one of the most valuable life lessons I have learned, and it came with quite a cost, a cost that was well worth it.

So now I want to challenge you - I've listed three reasons why you should challenge yourself, what will you do with it? Is there a challenge or a goal you've been thinking about undertaking? Is now the time? Take a moment to share about it at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com 's Articles section - it makes you accountable to yourself when you write it down, it allows others to help you to be accountable to your goal when you share it.

My goal - I'm going to hike 20+ miles through the North Country Scenic Trail, and not just survive it this time, but ENJOY it.

What's your goal - work related? A social venture? A new personal goal? Share about it in the Articles-Comments section at www.ANewDirectionCounseling.com

Monday, September 6, 2010

Is Your Child on Drugs?

The start of school is usually a bitter-sweet time for parents. Summer is coming to an end, as is the extra time we get to spend with our children. Along with this sadness, most parents sigh a collective sigh of relief to watch the youngsters go back to school.

My time as director of an intensive adolescent substance abuse treatment center taught me that this is also the time of year young people start their experimentation with drug use - sometimes leading to full-blown dependence by the next semester, if their use goes unchecked.

A new school year is a time of great change for any child, for those changing schools - from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school - it's also a time of meeting new friends, and learning more about themselves. This is also the time children and adolescents may come into contact with alcohol, marijuana, prescription pills, or other illicit substances.

It is an important time for parents to understand that no matter how much you have tried to shield your child, no matter where you live, substance use is abundant in our culture, and in the adolescent culture. An educated parent is her child's best ally against substance use.

This is not meant to scare you, but to encourage you to educate yourself, and to realize the subtle and insidious nature of substance abuse - it CAN effect YOUR child! I have worked with the children from families of every part of life and many parts of the country - children of Federal Agents, Truck Drivers, Doctors, Lawyers, Laborers, wealthy - poor - middle class; city, suburb, or farm -country. Substance abuse, addiction, knows no boundaries. Educate yourself. Know the warning signs. And please, don't kid yourself that "it won't happen to my child".

Warning Signs:

Extreme mood swings - if you have been an adolescent, you know this time is riddled with "mood swings", but here we are talking about wild mood swings from joy to hatred - often brought on by the parental word "No" (if you don't use this word much at home, you may want to read some of my previous articles on parenting). These extreme moods swings can often be the result of substance use that creates euphoria, and then the crash of withdrawal, prompted by a need to go out and get more. There have been times that these moods swings, if brought to the attention of a physician, may be misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

Withdrawal or increased isolation - adolescent and pre-adolescents need their private time. They also need time away from parents and siblings to de-stress from the trials of school life and the flurry of changes that are happening to them. Healthy children engage in healthy behaviors during this time - studying, writing, communicating with friends (type/text/email/IM/etc), or playing video games. Parents should be concerned for the child that suddenly requires considerably more private time, or doesn't associate with the family at all - trading this time in for time behind a locked door in their room. Note to parents - locked doors, drawers, closets, etc are often a giant "red flag", as is your 15 year-old son's sudden interest in the legal ramifications of his "right to privacy". This is a difficult boundary, because for healthy growth, they should be entitled to privacy, however, it is not a "right" in your household if you are concerned they are engaging in unhealthy or illegal behavior - Parents have rights too, and they have responsibilities to protect their children.

Change of friends - when the old "good" friends that you used to like stop coming around and are traded in for new friends who might be a little "different", this is a cause for concern and conversation. There is nothing wrong with questioning your child's peer choices - but trying to dictate who friends should be can be another difficult situation. Encourage your child to make healthy peer choices through conversation and questions like:

- Tell me about your new friends .
- What do you like to do together?
- What do you have in common?
- Can I call (new friend) parents and chat with them?
- How does (new friend) do in school?
- What does (new friend) plan on doing in life?

Change in appearance - Dads of young ladies, this is a HUGE chore for you. It's difficult enough to discuss your "little baby" who used to run around in overalls and pigtails now wearing low-cut tops and high-cut bottoms. It is equally concerning when your once cheerfully dressed child starts wearing super-baggy, super-dark, or super-different clothing. TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE and what it means to you and your family. This is a great opportunity to ask about what image they would like to convey - this is another time for conversation, not authoritarianism.

These are just a few of the warning signs. Drastic change is the key - when the change you experience in your child is far outside what you expect to be "normal", I implore you to trust your "parent gut" - that instinctual sense you were endowed with the second your child was born. If your gut tells you something is amiss, trust it; ask questions, have a conversation.

If you struggle trusting your parent gut, or what your child is saying; or if you are having a hard time engaging in these conversations without resulting to arguments, it may be time to ask for some help.

Monday, August 30, 2010

9 Ways to Stop Stress Before You Explode

There are very few certainties that touch us all in this mortal experience, but of the absolutes is that we will experience hardship and stress at some point. - Dr. James C. Dobson

We all experience stress, it's a natural and normal part of being a person; but it's how we experience it, and how much we let it into our lives that makes us different.

In previous articles I shared about the negative, life-threatening aspects of stress, and some techniques to relax or relieve stress. But what about dealing with the stress head-on? What about dealing with it in a way that it doesn't get to the point of frustration?

I have found that there are generally two ways to "manage" stress, to deal with it before it becomes too great; you can either change the stressor by avoiding or altering it; or you can change yourself by adapting or accepting the situation. Here are nine ways to alter or avoid stress:

Avoid unnecessary stress. Not all stress can be avoided, but the key concept here is identifying what may be "unnecessary" in your life:

Learn to say "NO" - know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, refuse to accept additional responsibility when you are already struggling with the ones you have. When taking on one more volunteer project for your child's school might push you over the edge, it's OK to say "no" to being asked to be "Head Room Dad"...

Avoid people who stress you out - if there is a particular person in your life who always adds stress, limit your time with them, or end the relationship completely.

Take control of your environment - If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic's got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route.

Avoid hot-button topics - if discussing politics always ends in a shouting match about how "TERRIBLE" the President is, was, or will be; maybe it's better to discuss the weather. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it's the topic of discussion.

Cut back on the do-to list - If your calendar is loaded all day, every day; maybe it's time to take inventory of what things really "MUST" be done, and what "should" or "could" be done.

If you can't avoid the stress, there is a good change you may be able to alter it; altering the situation often has a lot to do with altering your response to it.

Express your feelings, versus bottling them up - communicating your concerns in a respectful and open manner can go a long way in changing the situation; allowing frustration and resentment to build up will only result in increased stress.

Be willing to compromise - When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you'll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.

Be more assertive - Don't take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them.

Manage your time better - Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. Very often, poor time management sneaks in to your life, and you don't even recognize it. When you're stretched too thin and running behind, it's hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don't overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you're under.

Monday, August 23, 2010

5 "Ridiculous" Stress-Relief Strategies

As we sit to enjoy a nice early meal, and then watch a Friday night movie together as a family, I remember when that wasn't possible. OK, it WAS possible, but i was too "busy" due to the stress I had allowed into my life.

It took a while to change that - to let go of the stress. There were a lot of changes that needed to happen along the way. I needed a lot of help "de-stressing", before I was able to make those decisions. Of course, at that time, I had no desire to de-stress, because I had it "all under control", despite the fact everything was falling apart through this stress-induced haze.. Eventually, as the story goes, I was forced to adopt different behaviors.

I can't believe that I tried these - some of the most ridiculous ideas I had ever heard!

Until they worked. Then they weren't so ridiculous any more.


Meditation - one of the first suggestions I was given was one I had little belief in. I remember the first time a peer suggested it to me, I thought he was crazy. But I gave it a try - simply setting aside 10 minutes to breathe deeply and to allow my mind to be still. It didn't work the first time, nor the second time. But I continued to give it a try. In fact, I did a little research and found there are multiple forms of meditation that have worked for other's for several thousand years... So who was I, why was I so "special" that it wouldn't work for me. The style that did work for me was simply deep breathing through the nose for 6-8 seconds, enough to make the abdomen move; followed by exhale out the mouth for a few seconds longer than I breathed in. The hard part is clearing your mind and allowing yourself to relax - but once you have learned this (it took me a few weeks), mediation can lower blood pressure, relax your muscles, and be a brief time of healing that lasts throughout your day.

Acupuncture - you won't see me volunteer to have one needle, much less several, stuck in me. Then I injured my knee and it was part of treatment - 20 needles in and around the knee three times per week, for two weeks. I was amazed at how much it helped the pain and healing. I have known people who have applauded the relaxing and calming effects of full body acupuncture - needles from head to toe. I have witnessed the after effects and changes of someone who went to a session anxious and stressed, and came out feeling "wonderful" - it works.

Massage - I always thought this was just something "nice" to do for yourself. There is quite a bit more behind a practice that relaxes stressed muscles and releases the build-up of toxins in the body. A good full-body massage can actually leave you sick, as it causes your body to finally release the toxins that have been building up. Not only is it relaxing in the moment, but can leave you feeling better and less stressed for weeks.

Yoga - what I once thought was a "soft" exercise, really isn't that soft. A good yoga session brings together the anti-stress power of meditation, stretching, and exercise. There are videos, books, and classes available for beginner to guru. I have been really impressed with the calming power of just one session. I highly recommend keeping a few yoga videos or books on hand for stressful times, especially those stressful times when you are not eating well or exercising - this can be a quick 30 minute opportunity to feel better fast.


Exercise - I have shared with many people the ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing start to my running habit. I was stressed, overweight, and a terrible example of nutrition. I "tried" running for a few weeks, and then gave up - it wasn't for me. Of course, I went back being more stressed, gaining more weight, and being pretty well known at the local drive-through windows. So I knew I had to "DO" running one more time, not just "TRY".

I found a program and a goal. The program, "Couch Potato to 5K" was perfect, because I couldn't run for more the 30-60 seconds at a time, that is right where the program started out. Eventually, I was up to 90 seconds, than a few minutes. Within a few weeks I was able to run a mile without stopping - not quickly, but it was a mile. I kept adding a little bit more distance and ran a little longer. These were times I actually looked forward to. I felt great running, and the effects lasted through the day - not only was I relaxed, but I was getting healthier too. When you start to engage in a healthier lifestyle, it is amazing how stress can melt away.

If there is only one thing you can do to de-stress and feel better, run. If you can't run, walk; then run just a little, then run some more. If you need guidance, the "Couch Potato to 5K" program is still out there on the internet.

If you want relief from stress, choose just one of these, and make it a consistent part of your life. It won't be easy at first, but they will work. Engaging in more than one of these habits will compound the anti-stress qualities.


Improving your coping strategies for stress can go a long way. But sometimes, you need to change your response to stress, or change the source of the stress all together - check in next week for more on those topics.

Monday, August 16, 2010

How Stress Will Kill You

Stress was a great thing for us to feel thousands of years ago when we needed it. Back then, man needed stress to warn him of approaching doom - some large animal coming to eat him or his family, or war coming from the next tribe over. Stress was a survival mechanism that told the man, "fight or run". Once the danger had passed, the physical sensations that came along with "fight or run" went away - increased heart rate and blood flow, rush of adrenaline, slowed digestion, focused vision (sometimes tunnel vision), and overall physical excitation diminished. The man was allowed to return to his resting state and he did what men a thousand years ago did - not much - eat, sleep, procreate. It was a pretty limited, but easy-going existence.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and have we messed things up. Today, our bodies have a greater tendency to be in fight or flight mode due to some perceived danger - no longer do we fear the pending doom of being eaten by a large animal with big teeth. Instead we fear the doom of not making enough money, making too much money, not having the right job or car or mate or home or television. We fear being too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too old or too young. We fear not making it to the couch to watch our favorite tv shows; or we have recorded so many "favorite" shows, that we fear never having enough time to watch all of them!

We have a lot of things to fear that our ancient relatives did not. Or at least we think we do.

All that fear is killing us slowly. Prolonged stress does terrible things to the human body and mind.

There is plenty of science out there to tell us the same.
I'll give you an example. Let me tell you a little story about a person I know. We'll call him...Dan.

Dan worked a 40+ hour per week job as a manager at a local facility. He was dedicated to his job, but also dedicated to "the big idea" of moving up and moving on. Therefore, Dan pushed himself hard to make everyone happy at work. Sometimes this meant working over, or coming in early. He traveled quite a bit. It was a stressful job, but it was the path to the "next big thing".

Dan was a dedicated father and husband, but found it difficult to make everyone at work happy, and everyone happy at home. Home life was stressful. Work life was stressful. But Dan was in pursuit of "the big idea", so the stress was "OK". The more stress the better, because that meant "the next big thing" was getting closer - so he added a few more jobs, more work and more stress to the mix.

With all the fighting or fleeing the perceived dangers at work and at home - trying to fight the beast of climbing the corporate ladder and being the traditional family - Dan had little time for eating right or exercising. He put something in his mouth that came out of a window from a building several times each day. He was too busy fleeing from place to place to worry about nutrition. When he was tired, he drank plenty of caffeine - sleep would have to wait.

Eventually, the stress and stressful living became too much. A day came when Dan "didn't feel so well". His stomach hurt, so he found a quick fix and took a pill - he didn't have time to figure out what the problem was, he was pushing himself to fight or flee.

The next morning, Dan's appendix exploded - apparently it had been sick for quite some time. He spent nine days in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. There were plenty of tubes and needles. He was forced to take three weeks bed rest to recover after the hospital. Dan didn't take the time to stop the stress, so his body made the decision for him.

It could have been worse. Most over-stressed people succumb to a heart-attack or stroke later in life. The compounding factors stress heaps upon the body will produce death - it's usually a matter of time.

That guy, Dan, was pretty lucky.

There are two ways to deal with stress:

Remove / reduce / get rid of the stressor

Cope with the stressor


We tend to force ourselves into more and more stress out of some perceived fear. Many times, a choice can be made to remove the stress, or alter the stress.

When that choice cannot be made, there are very effective coping skills for us to use.

Either way, you must choose. If not, circumstance, or your body, will choose for you.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Time to Take Your Medicine

"Doctors are men who prescribe medicines of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, in human beings of whom they know nothing." - Voltaire

It's hard to deny that we live in a time when modern science has a cure for everything that ails you. Just turn on the television for a few minutes, and you will find advertisements for magic pills to cure everything from heart burn and indigestion, to melancholy and malaise, anxiety, hyperactive and inattentive children, to male sexual dysfunction - usually within 24-48 hours of beginning treatment (taking your first pill). As long as you don't mind the possibility of 100 side-effects that could range from dry mouth to death, we have a cure for you.

But it's not a cure. It's temporary relief.

"Medicine can only cure curable disease, and then not always" - Chinese Proverb

Despite this proverb, we still tend to think our ailments are quickly curable. We have been taught to expect immediate relief even from diseases and disorders that have taken a life-time to cultivate.

Specifically, I'm talking about issues related to depression, anxiety, or childhood ADHD. These are areas I tend to know well, and have worked with quite a bit. Please understand this: THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! But it has been my experience that those times are not as frequent as we might think.

I greatly appreciate the work of our modern physicians. They have an extremely difficult job of managing a large volume of patients, while fretting over ever-increasing malpractice law-suits which bring about exorbitant malpractice insurance payments (I have heard of rates of $150,000 per year). It's no wonder they are forced to see patients in brief chunks of time and have to respond with the quickest solution possible. This solution often tends to be the most recent pill they have been encouraged to prescribe by the last drug company salesman to come through their door.

It's not an easy job. I believe they do their best. Their goal is to "do no harm", and to hopefully help you, but they are often victims of a very difficult system of insurance, government mandates, and drug company profit-margins.

I encourage you to be an advocate for your own health when it comes to the aforementioned issues of depression, anxiety, and ADHD; and to work with several partners to find the best possible solution for you and your family, rather than accepting the pill that was last recommended by the last drug company. The pills are often not the best answer.

If you have been on the same medication for more than a year, it may be time to re-evaluate. If you have been on the same medication for several years, I would suggest that it is no longer effective. After prolonged use, your body builds up a tolerance; you can either increase the amount of the same substance, or move on to a stronger substance. The pattern can continue with increasing substances but diminishing returns for your anxiety, depression, or ADHD.

For me, it's been a great frustration and sadness to hear of people who have been on the same prescription anti-depressant or mood stabilizer for 10 years (no exaggeration), but can't seem to get control of their struggles.

Our physicians are brilliant and caring people. But they are people, and they are fallible. If you struggle with these issues, I encourage you to partner with other professional outside your physicians office. You may find considerable help with a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They may suggest to you a myriad of alternative solutions. Some things that may help these issues, and overall health:

Diet - medication alters our chemistry, so does food. Very often what we eat can impact our moods and concentration. Sometimes simply improving diet can have a huge impact on mental health and wellness.

Exercise - increasing physical activity improves just about every bodily process.

Stress relief - removing stress from your life, or learning to cope with it differently can greatly improve anxiety and depression.

Behavioral interventions - for children struggling with ADHD, small alterations to parenting, home life, or school life can make great improvements in attentiveness and activity.

Meditation - Several thousand years of Eastern philosophy can't be wrong. Learning to meditate for just a few minutes each day can have considerable positive impact.

Cognitive interventions - do you want to think differently about yourself or your situation? Is your thinking depressed or anxious? If you change it, you can change a lot of how you view your world - but sometimes that's a little easier said than done on your own.

These are a just a few examples of the possible interventions outside of your physician's office. Let me again say, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MEDICATION IS NECESSARY. However, I believe we have been trained to seek the immediate, but short term solution, rather than working with our physician and other health professionals to do what is best for ourselves.

If you are taking medication for anxiety or depression, or if your child is taking medication for ADHD, and the results have been less than you hoped; or the medication use has gone on for quite a while, or if you simply want to explore alternative solutions, I encourage you to do so, and I want you to know that there are solutions available.

"In medicine, as in statecraft and propaganda, words are sometimes the most powerful drugs we can use." - Dr. Sara Murray Jordan

Monday, August 2, 2010

Why Me?!

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. -Walt Disney

If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. -John Heywood

Perhaps there exists a possible benefit when hardship is also accepted as part of human life. -Bruce Wayne

Call it what you will: obstacles, struggles, adversity, pain-in-the-neck... Difficult times are a reality in our lives. As noted by the aforementioned quotes, struggle and overcoming obstacles is a reality for those who have succeed in life like Walt Disney, and something popular to discuss in literature from poetry to comic books. The concept is evident and obvious throughout time and place. It is well documented throughout history. So with all this information on adversity, why do we struggle with how we handle our struggles?

In recent times, adversity has confronted us in many well-publicized ways; natural disasters, struggling economy, job losses, international political confrontations. Many of us also struggle with more common day-to-day obstacles in our personal lives: work difficulties, financial concerns, relationship issues , mental / emotional / physical / or spiritual health concerns - the list could go on, because adversity presents itself in all facets of life.

Although these struggles are not unique, nor are they uncommon, they are unique in the way they are found in your life, the way they present themselves in your day, and how you choose to handle them.

There are a few obvious ways you can choose to manage the obstacles and adversity in your life.

Blame & Complain - this is an option that tends to be self-defeating and troubling to others around us, but also one of the easiest to engage in. It is much simpler, and therefore sometimes much more rewarding in the short-term, to blame the obstacle or the cause of the adversity in our life. Although not much progress is made, we tend to feel satisfied that we a target to focus our frustration on. Sometimes the more anger we can muster towards the obstacle, the better we feel about not doing anything about it. To add to the energy we spend blaming, we often engage in speaking out vigorously and aggressively about the obstacle - complaining. The two are often found together because they are easy.

If I could paint a picture of this solution to adversity, I suggest you imagine a large boulder in your path. You want to get somewhere - you are on a stroll towards a wonderful vista, and there is a giant rock blocking your path. The Blame & Complain solution would be to spend the next several days cursing at the rock, scolding the rock for being in your way, kicking and/ or hitting the rock, then resume cursing. The pattern could go on for quite a while - as long as you'd like.

Avoid - somewhat easier, and more self-defeating, is the solution of avoiding the problem. By pretending the problem doesn't exist, or by turning your back on it, you can trick yourself to think that you couldn't, or didn't want to, move past that obstacle in the first place. This solution often works for quite a while, until you realize that you really DID want to see that vista, or accomplish that goal, or improve that relationship, or doing something about your health - then the trick you played on yourself becomes a source of frustration and dissatisfaction.

In our picture, it would be the person who turns around and walks away from the boulder, walks away from the vista, only to realize much later on that they really wanted to get to that destination. There is a strong positive to this idea thought - and that is, at some point returning to conquer that obstacle.

The final style of dealing with adversity in life has a variety of names: succeed, achieve, strive, accomplish, conquer, goal-set; again, the list could go on. This is the act of acknowledging the obstacle, planning a path to the other side, and then implementing it. This can be done with most any obstacle in life.


Trying to climb over the rock, or squeeze around it, or fly over may work - it may not - but continued attempts to do something about it will get you to that vista.

Will every plan succeed? No. But something is gained or learned in every attempt - very often the act of failing can be enough to propel you over, around, past or through the obstacle. You can have an impact on the adversity in your life by doing something about it. It won't always work perfectly. But it will move you in some way further than where you were.

What are you doing about the adversity in your life today?

Are you blaming it? Are you avoiding it? Or are you planning a path through it?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Five Steps to Better Communication

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus, Greek philosopher

It has only been a few years since email and texting have dominated our communication habits. There are arguments on either side of the debate - for or against. Regardless of where you stand, it is impossible to ignore the obvious fact that texting and email has changed how we communicate. As technology continues to evolve, it will be interesting to see how our communication continues to evolve.


Despite our technological advances, one-to-one, face-to-face communication is still the foundation of our relationships with each other. Communication between spouses, peers, co-workers, or parent-to-child shares information, conveys emotions, and exchanges ideas. Healthy communication builds relationships, businesses, and communities. It is one of the pillars upon which a healthy lifestyle is built.

There are several key components to maintain healthy communication with others:

Pay attention - simple, yet increasingly more difficult in our hyper-connected world. Give the person you are speaking with your undivided attention and acknowledge the message both verbally and non-verbally. One of the most difficult parts of paying attention is genuinely listening to what is being said without mentally preparing your rebuttal or thinking about what you are going to say next.

Show that you are listening - let your speaker know you are paying attention by nodding occasionally. Smile and offer other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open and not closed-off. You can also show that you are listening through giving your speaker small verbal cues to continue speaking.

Provide feedback - our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." are great ways to reflect back. You can also ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say..." "Is this what you mean?"

Defer judgment - if paying attention is difficult, there are times deferring judgment can be impossible. But it is one of the most important components of healthy communication. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish. Don't interrupt with counter-arguments.

Respond Appropriately - these steps offer a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

These steps should be used communicating with anyone in your life - spouse, coworker, child, friend, etc. It takes deliberate action and focus to be a good communicator.

Concentrate on your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside your thoughts and judgments in order to really pay attention to your speaker. By reminding yourself of these steps, you will become a better communicator, and will be heard by those you speak with.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Two Little Ideas That Opened the Floodgates

I'm not sure if it was hours of blueberry picking in the hot sun, or the extra barrels of blueberries I ate while we were laboring.

Maybe it was the yellow-jacket sting on my ear (yeah, that smarts - and it looks pretty funny too).

Or maybe it was the multi-page "honey-do" list I was awarded this weekend.

Whatever the reason, the cursed Writer's Block had come to rest firmly upon my shoulders.

Until The Muse arrived at the perfect time. Today he came in the form of a quick email from Seth Godin. Now, I know you may have had your fill as I have shouted my praise for Seth's work in the recommendations section of my newsletter. But I felt I owed it to you who have not read his work to share this piece, and then he will fade away from these articles, unless you ask for more.

Although a businessman and marketing expert, Seth has a great handle on the human condition and what makes us tick. His ideas here scream to be implemented in our daily lives:

The management of signals
There are two things we can get better at:

1. Getting accurate signals from the world. Right now, we take in information from many places, but we're not particularly focused on filtering the information that might be false, and more important, what might be missing.

2. Sorting and ranking information based on importance. We often make the mistake of ranking things as urgent, which aren't, or true, which are false, or knowable, when they're not. Dealing successfully with times of change (like now) requires that you simultaneously broaden your reach, focus on what's important and aggressively ignore things that are both loud and false.

Easier said than done.

I am amazed at how much insight can be packed into so few words. Here is what I took away from it:

"Accurate signals from the world" - How often do we misinterpret what we hear from those close to us? How often does a simple conversation turn into a disagreement with a loved one or someone at work, because we misread their tone, gesture, or meaning? How can we improve our communication with those important people to continuously improve our relationships with them? What other areas of our lives do we find ourselves taking in inaccurate information?

"we take in information from many places" - Take a moment to think about how many different sources of information you give your time and attention to each day: News media (tv, radio, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, FOX NEWS), Social media (Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Second Life, blogs), email (work, family, friends, people trying to sell you the next big thing), marketing (all those other ways you are trying to be sold the next big thing on tv, radio, billboards, text, phone, etc...) - and that's usually before you leave the house! At some point, MAYBE you have time to take in information from actual live people that you may have a deeper relationship with in a meaningful way. If you are fortunate, you may actually be able to have a conversation with the aforementioned person.

"filtering the information...what might be missing" - Do you take the time to consider the information you are receiving consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever wonder "why are they telling me this?" Do you question whether or not the information is given to you in a way that is in your best interest, or is it in somebody else's interest for you to consume that information? If the information is not good for you, who is it good for?

One of the most significant ways this realization occurred to me was in reading Dr. David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, where he shares his interviews with food industry officials and their comments on how food is "engineered" to make us eat more, that "fat free", "sugar free", and "reduced calorie" may mean "unhealthy" and "you will eat more"; but that we are given only the information that makes it easy for us to digest.

"Sorting and ranking information" - as more and more sources compete for our attention, it's human nature to struggle to determine where our time and energy is best spent. In the end, it may come to a simple question of which is greater; consuming media or building relationships? Watch the 5th hour of programming on where a basketball player will continue his career, or play ball with the kids? Google new video of the same tragic pictures of oil flowing into the ocean, or take a drive to visit an old friend? One more episode of "The Deadliest Catch" marathon, or go fishing? It comes down to choices, your choices. And in a world where more and more people are competing for your choice in new and innovative ways, sometimes it's easy to forget you have a choice.

The final part that leapt out to me is "times of change" - really, aren't we always in a time of change? Whether it is personal or public, local or national, healthy or unhealthy, the world is always changing. You are always changing. Consciously or unconsciously; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually; by choice, or by lack of choice - you change.

I've shared my thoughts on Seth's insights. I'd enjoy hearing what you think about his words. Hopefully my case of "Writer's Block" proved as insightful for you, as Seth's timely email did for me.

Monday, July 12, 2010

9 Questions to Make Your Child Listen

Our relationships with our children are a strange and mysterious journey - often with no discernable path or map, but often with the destination of "doing the right thing" to help them grow and develop in the best possible way. These relationships are filled with joy and heartbreak, sadness and elation. They are some of the longest standing, and most meaningful relationships we will have in our lives. At the end of our lives, the relationships we have with our children will be one of the most significant parts of our legacy.

Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.

It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.


Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.

The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.


1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?



2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?



3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?


4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.


5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.



6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)



7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)



8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?



9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?



These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!