Monday, July 26, 2010

Five Steps to Better Communication

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus, Greek philosopher

It has only been a few years since email and texting have dominated our communication habits. There are arguments on either side of the debate - for or against. Regardless of where you stand, it is impossible to ignore the obvious fact that texting and email has changed how we communicate. As technology continues to evolve, it will be interesting to see how our communication continues to evolve.


Despite our technological advances, one-to-one, face-to-face communication is still the foundation of our relationships with each other. Communication between spouses, peers, co-workers, or parent-to-child shares information, conveys emotions, and exchanges ideas. Healthy communication builds relationships, businesses, and communities. It is one of the pillars upon which a healthy lifestyle is built.

There are several key components to maintain healthy communication with others:

Pay attention - simple, yet increasingly more difficult in our hyper-connected world. Give the person you are speaking with your undivided attention and acknowledge the message both verbally and non-verbally. One of the most difficult parts of paying attention is genuinely listening to what is being said without mentally preparing your rebuttal or thinking about what you are going to say next.

Show that you are listening - let your speaker know you are paying attention by nodding occasionally. Smile and offer other facial expressions. Note your posture and make sure that it is open and not closed-off. You can also show that you are listening through giving your speaker small verbal cues to continue speaking.

Provide feedback - our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect what is being said and ask questions. Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." are great ways to reflect back. You can also ask questions to clarify certain points. "What do you mean when you say..." "Is this what you mean?"

Defer judgment - if paying attention is difficult, there are times deferring judgment can be impossible. But it is one of the most important components of healthy communication. Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. Allow the speaker to finish. Don't interrupt with counter-arguments.

Respond Appropriately - these steps offer a model for respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting him or her down. Be candid, open, and honest in your response. Assert your opinions respectfully. Treat the other person as he or she would want to be treated.

These steps should be used communicating with anyone in your life - spouse, coworker, child, friend, etc. It takes deliberate action and focus to be a good communicator.

Concentrate on your listening and remind yourself that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside your thoughts and judgments in order to really pay attention to your speaker. By reminding yourself of these steps, you will become a better communicator, and will be heard by those you speak with.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Two Little Ideas That Opened the Floodgates

I'm not sure if it was hours of blueberry picking in the hot sun, or the extra barrels of blueberries I ate while we were laboring.

Maybe it was the yellow-jacket sting on my ear (yeah, that smarts - and it looks pretty funny too).

Or maybe it was the multi-page "honey-do" list I was awarded this weekend.

Whatever the reason, the cursed Writer's Block had come to rest firmly upon my shoulders.

Until The Muse arrived at the perfect time. Today he came in the form of a quick email from Seth Godin. Now, I know you may have had your fill as I have shouted my praise for Seth's work in the recommendations section of my newsletter. But I felt I owed it to you who have not read his work to share this piece, and then he will fade away from these articles, unless you ask for more.

Although a businessman and marketing expert, Seth has a great handle on the human condition and what makes us tick. His ideas here scream to be implemented in our daily lives:

The management of signals
There are two things we can get better at:

1. Getting accurate signals from the world. Right now, we take in information from many places, but we're not particularly focused on filtering the information that might be false, and more important, what might be missing.

2. Sorting and ranking information based on importance. We often make the mistake of ranking things as urgent, which aren't, or true, which are false, or knowable, when they're not. Dealing successfully with times of change (like now) requires that you simultaneously broaden your reach, focus on what's important and aggressively ignore things that are both loud and false.

Easier said than done.

I am amazed at how much insight can be packed into so few words. Here is what I took away from it:

"Accurate signals from the world" - How often do we misinterpret what we hear from those close to us? How often does a simple conversation turn into a disagreement with a loved one or someone at work, because we misread their tone, gesture, or meaning? How can we improve our communication with those important people to continuously improve our relationships with them? What other areas of our lives do we find ourselves taking in inaccurate information?

"we take in information from many places" - Take a moment to think about how many different sources of information you give your time and attention to each day: News media (tv, radio, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, FOX NEWS), Social media (Twitter, Facebook, Linked In, Second Life, blogs), email (work, family, friends, people trying to sell you the next big thing), marketing (all those other ways you are trying to be sold the next big thing on tv, radio, billboards, text, phone, etc...) - and that's usually before you leave the house! At some point, MAYBE you have time to take in information from actual live people that you may have a deeper relationship with in a meaningful way. If you are fortunate, you may actually be able to have a conversation with the aforementioned person.

"filtering the information...what might be missing" - Do you take the time to consider the information you are receiving consciously or unconsciously? Do you ever wonder "why are they telling me this?" Do you question whether or not the information is given to you in a way that is in your best interest, or is it in somebody else's interest for you to consume that information? If the information is not good for you, who is it good for?

One of the most significant ways this realization occurred to me was in reading Dr. David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, where he shares his interviews with food industry officials and their comments on how food is "engineered" to make us eat more, that "fat free", "sugar free", and "reduced calorie" may mean "unhealthy" and "you will eat more"; but that we are given only the information that makes it easy for us to digest.

"Sorting and ranking information" - as more and more sources compete for our attention, it's human nature to struggle to determine where our time and energy is best spent. In the end, it may come to a simple question of which is greater; consuming media or building relationships? Watch the 5th hour of programming on where a basketball player will continue his career, or play ball with the kids? Google new video of the same tragic pictures of oil flowing into the ocean, or take a drive to visit an old friend? One more episode of "The Deadliest Catch" marathon, or go fishing? It comes down to choices, your choices. And in a world where more and more people are competing for your choice in new and innovative ways, sometimes it's easy to forget you have a choice.

The final part that leapt out to me is "times of change" - really, aren't we always in a time of change? Whether it is personal or public, local or national, healthy or unhealthy, the world is always changing. You are always changing. Consciously or unconsciously; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually; by choice, or by lack of choice - you change.

I've shared my thoughts on Seth's insights. I'd enjoy hearing what you think about his words. Hopefully my case of "Writer's Block" proved as insightful for you, as Seth's timely email did for me.

Monday, July 12, 2010

9 Questions to Make Your Child Listen

Our relationships with our children are a strange and mysterious journey - often with no discernable path or map, but often with the destination of "doing the right thing" to help them grow and develop in the best possible way. These relationships are filled with joy and heartbreak, sadness and elation. They are some of the longest standing, and most meaningful relationships we will have in our lives. At the end of our lives, the relationships we have with our children will be one of the most significant parts of our legacy.

Let's face it; there are times today, when we just want them to listen. At times, when we are frustrated with their choices, or their behavior, we just wish they would do as we ask. There are times, when we are at our parenting limits, that the idea of a "relationship" with our child just seems too difficult to manage, when we are just trying to manage them.
I'm here to tell you these two ideas, building a relationship with your child and managing some our more difficult times with them, are one in the same.

It starts with simple conversation. If we want them to listen to what we have to say, to behave in a manner consistent with what we ask, it helps for us to demonstrate these skills to them. One of the best ways to do this - have a conversation - a real, honest, and open conversation. Whether your child is 4, 14, or 23; or any age in between, engaging in teaches them a wealth of knowledge about how you see them, value them, love them and your relationship with them. Done right, you teach them the skill of interacting with others, and the ability to listen, even to you.


Here are nine conversation starters to get the ball rolling. A few tips when using these powerful tools: you must listen - make eye contact, give your child your undivided attention, and make sure they know you are paying attention; you can't judge their statements - this is an immediate conversation stopper for any child. Even if your child says the most outlandish thing that goes against everything you belief, judging what they say and responding with something along the lines of "that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard," will end that conversation, and any future attempts. Instead, if your child says something you don't agree with, ask more questions, share your thoughts on the idea, continue the discussion; but don't shut them down. If you can do this, you will see your relationship grow, and watch the difficult times disappear.

The 9 Questions - adjust according to age.


1. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else today (this week, this month)? What was the nicest thing someone else did for you?



2. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be? What would you most like to do there?



3. If you were writing a newspaper article about your day, or year, or life, what would the headline / title be?


4. If you had $1,000,000 what would be the first thing you would buy? (a great variation on this, is to decrease the amount to $100). Another variation is to ask what your child would wish for if they were granted 3 wishes.


5. Describe your perfect day, from the time you get up, until the time you go to bed.



6. Teach me one thing you learned today that you don't think I already know. (This is such a powerful question - be ready!)



7. What movie/cartoon/comic book character would you want to be? Why? (One of my personal favorite variations - if you were a superhero, what would you superpower be?)



8. If a movie about your life was made, what actor would play you? Who would play your best friends? Who would play your family?



9. If you could ask God one question, what would it be? What do you think the answer would be?



These are just a few examples that can open up the relationship between you and your child. They are powerful tools to strengthen your relationship and to teach your child a myriad of valuable life skills. Enjoy them, and enjoy your relationship with your child!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Destination or Journey?

"Life's a journey, not a destination" - many wise sages throughout history and geography have made statements similar to this. I have been known to make similar statements. Until a late afternoon in June, when I thought of those wise comments and thought "What a bunch of GARBAGE!", or something very similar.

Let me share a story of how I came to this conclusion, and the wise moments during the "journey".

Camping has long been an important part of my life with friends and family. Through my time camping, I have learned of three different styles of camper, the RV camper, the car camper, and the hiker - each with their unique variations. The RV camper enjoys the luxuries of home in a large motor-driven coach, usually parked in a campground. The car camper usually throws a tent the size of a large bathroom or small living room in a car, with as many luxuries of home as can be fit into said car - cooler for beverages, grill for tasty food, etc. The hiker puts his world on his back, goes out into the woods, and "roughs it" for the sake of getting in touch with his (or her) more primal nature. Sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?

I've RV camped and car camped. I've done a lot of car camping with my family, as well as friends. Each time, we come a little bit closer to RV camping - bring along extension cords, fans, cell-phone chargers, mini-fridges... It was becoming quite embarrassing. We may as well stay at home and just leave the windows open.

So a small group of friends and I decided we wanted to "rough it". We were going to become hiker/backpackers, we were going to march into the woods somewhere and learn to live like the guys on Dual Survival, or Man vs. Wild, or Survivorman.

We took the time to do the research. We acquired the backpacks and all the things we needed to put in them. We took time to map out a route deep in the Hoosier National Forest. Then we did it. We set out for a 4-day journey in the woods.

The first night we parked out cars at a sparse horse campground and enjoyed the last cold water and small luxuries we had in our cars. We pitched our tents and had dreams of survival grandeur.

The next morning, we packed up, put our 40lb packs on our backs and started hiking into the woods. It was 85 degrees. We had planned an 8-9 mile hike to a large lake, where we would camp for the evening. We were all quite chipper about our "journey".

The "journey" was horrible. "40 lbs" is small in print, it's heavy when it's crammed on your shoulders and waist. Despite my sincerest hope, there are no escalators on the trail. But there are huge expanses of deep mud, also expanses of shallow mud, fallen trees to climb over, needle-laden branches to spike you in the face should you choose not to climb over the fallen trees, large rocks to trip you, small rocks to get in your shoes, large hills, small mountains... there are a lot of obstacles.

The one thing the trail did not have was water. Miraculously, all the streams we thought would be there were a bit dry.
Our destination was looking more and more important. Our "journey" less and less "fun".

It got rough. We soldiered on. But our spirits were falling as made the last drop in elevation to a clearing, and then the lake. The destination was heaven. Until we realized the flies bit, and the mosquitoes buzzed no matter how much DEET you thought you had on. We enjoyed the lake, as warm as it was, and filtered plenty of water to drink.

Our journey had ended, but we were miserable. This was Day 1.

We learned that the temperature had come close to 100 degrees, and that the next day, it was supposed to be worse. A heat advisory was issued. We decided we would hike back to the cars in the morning, and call an end to the trip.

We broke camp early the next day and sweat through breakfast. We hit the trail and realized that our grandparents had been right - despite my childhood giggling at their comments then, I had found it was possible to go "uphill....BOTH ways".

If the trip out was tough, the trip back was demoralizing. The "journey" was horrible. It hurt. We were fearful that "the big guy" might have to be dragged out, as every turn we took that we hoped was the parking lot, his shoulders dropped farther, and his groan of discontent was somewhat harder to hear.

Obviously we made it. We got to the nearest gas station and sat in the air-conditioning and drank more cold Gatorade than is healthy for one person to drink. We parted ways and rolled our eyes at the thought of doing it again.

Ironically, it only took 2-3 days before we started planning the next trip, seeking the next destination, hoping for a better journey.

I took some time to reflect on the entire adventure and found a lot of similarities to life that I thought would be worth sharing.

Most significantly, despite what the sages say (yes, and what I have said), life is a journey AND a destination. If it wasn't for the scenic vista at the end of the first day - the lake, water, and hammock - if it wasn't for the destination of the second day - getting to our cars, cold water, and air-conditioning; there would have been no point to the journey. The destination was the point of the journey, it was the destination we wanted to get to. There is no shame in doing it for the destination.

Of course, the cursed journey is what made such a simple destination such an amazing destination. We had been to that lake many times before, but never had we appreciated it so much. We had cold water and air-conditioning in the past, but never had we been so thankful.

Of course, when we paid attention to the journey, when we looked back on it, we learned a lot - what to take, what not to take, how to lighten our load, and to NEVER again go in the middle of June...

The journey taught us a lot about our selves, and each other; just as any journey should.

Most importantly for me, I learned that I need to seek out more destinations, because that's what makes the journey worthwhile.

I encourage you to do the same. Whether it is outdoors camping, in your professional life, or a personal goal - set a destination, plan your journey, and do it. If you have to cut your journey short, learn from it. If your journey is miserable and makes you feel like dying, pay attention to it. If your journey is sweet and easy, be thankful.

Whatever you do, however many journeys you have, continue to seek out new destinations and journey towards them.

Life has enough room for both.