How to Deal with "New" Holiday Traditions

As I sit here on Black Friday, writing for an article to be released on Cyber Monday, pondering Small Business Saturday, and feeling absolutely stuffed from our Thanksgiving meal, I was struck with the fact that we have some pretty crazy ways to handle ourselves at this time of the year!

I mean, really, did I HAVE to eat that much yesterday? It WAS pretty good – I have some pretty amazing cooks in my family – so it was more like absolutely delicious; but so is most food this time of year! If you are like me, food is good ANY time of the year! Why do we plan to stuff ourselves mercilessly, and then moan when we are at the point of bursting? How many news flashes have you seen preparing you for all the weight you’re are going to put on this next month, and what you need to do about it after the fact?

And what about this idea that we simply must go out and indulge every instinct we have to spend extravagantly? There are some really good deals out there today, and over the next few weeks, but that still doesn’t mean you need them! In some ways, it’s as though we have been programmed to act against our own better judgment in the name of the holidays. How many of you looked back at that Billy the Bass Singing Fish and thought, ‘did I really buy that’? There are millions of stories like it.

Finally, the other new tradition that is a little unsettling is this idea that we must fear our families and experience excessively large degrees of anxiety at the thought of being with them over the holidays, or we just don’t love them enough. Look, my family is as crazy as anyone’s (I can say that publicly, because I’m pretty sure they won’t see this – if they do see it… just testing!), but there is no need to development the stress and anxiety that the movies and popular media tell us we must in order to show our “love” for our families.

It seems we’ve gotten things a little mixed up over the years, so I thought I would suggest some advice as we begin this ‘most wonderful time of the year’, so that you don’t have to begin planning a next year of resolutions and regret.

- Plan your eating. You know this is a rough time of year for the waist-line, start exercising now, not in a month. Volunteer to bring healthy dish to the office-party of family gathering instead of the cheesy-macaroni with extra cheese baked in butter-cheese with a side of cheese-sauce (yeah, it IS good, but…) Read up on healthy alternative out there at places like Eat This Not That, Men’s Health, or Women’s Health. Be conscious of what you are doing to your body, take care of it so that you can full enjoy the holiday season.
- Spend wisely. Like I said, just because a $1000 television is on sale for $500 dollars doesn’t mean I need to go spend $500 “because it’s on sale”. “Sale” is a marketing wizard’s way of saying ‘come spend money you never intended to spend’. Be smart with your finances. Spend money, not credit. Seek advice from people who know – I am a huge fan of the books of Dave Ramsey and his website DaveRamsey.com; Clark Howard also offers great advice on his website and radio show. If nothing else, keep in mind that time spend and memories created is a far better gift than a trinket.
- If you completed the ‘homework’ in my last article, I hope that “family”, in some way or another, was near the top of your gratitude list. Be grateful for your family. Plan for a little holiday dysfunction, embrace it, prepare for it; but most importantly enjoy it – it’s part of your family and who you are.

I hope you have a wonderful, enjoyable, and blessed holiday season.

Dan Recommends:



If you are looking to improve your physical health, this is the book that got me started:

Giving Thanks - More Than a Meal

Gratitude isn’t an easy concept to practice on a regular basis. We take one holiday each year to focus in on it – but it seems that amidst the cooking, cleaning, preparing, and family dysfunction, we tend to forget that the day was originally intended to offer thanks and gratitude for a bountiful harvest, and the relationships that helped achieve that harvest.

How does this relate to Mental Health and Wellness, you might ask? The study of gratitude has been quite the hot topic in the field of Positive Psychology over the past ten years. But rather than discuss the research literature of trait gratitude (the individual differences in how people feel and express gratitude) versus state gratitude (the pro’s and con’s of the short-term experience of the emotional state of gratitude) I thought it might be a bit more helpful to share with you an exercise in gratitude, and challenge you to find gratitude on your own this week.

This is a fairly simple exercise I used to do with young people and their families year ago – this can be either an individual or family exercise. Grab a piece of paper and something to write with for each person, and list all the things you are grateful for. Set a time limit, or to really challenge yourself, try to come up with 101 things you are grateful for. Once you get past the “easy” ideas, you will really start to realize all that you have. This is a great exercise for this time of year, but, much like the concept of gratitude itself, should be practiced more regularly.

My challenge for you this week – complete a gratitude list by yourself, or with your family. Take the time to discuss it with your family. I’ll get you started:

1. A loving wife who appreciates me despite my flaws (most of the time)
2. Two beautiful daughters and the joy and stress that comes with raising them
3. A career that provides for my family, and allows me to help others
4. A community that supports my ventures in life, but keeps me grounded
5. A fun and loving extended family that is a blessing to share the holidays with, quirks and all
6. My family of origin, who helped to mold me into the person I am today, again, quirks and all
7. Readers who tolerate my rantings, and appreciate what I have to share
8. ____________________________________________

Your turn – what would you add to the list? How many more items could you add?

Have a safe and enjoyable holiday!

Dan Recommends

Even though the Gratitude List is an exercise I used to do many years ago, I was reminded of it after reading the latest book by Rainn Wilson (yes, he IS Dwight for The Office) and company: SoulPancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions
- it's a fairly eclectic collection of art an ideas. If you like self-exploration on some of life's more intersting questions, add tis one to your list.

Do Your Friends Make You Smarter?

Admittedly, I am no expert on the ever-increasing popularity of the social phenomenon Twitter and Facebook have created. I do know that the more social connections you have - the better you are. The more real face-to-face friendships you have, the better life is. There is a large body of research that agrees with that statement and that can add statistics and theory to it. An entire field of psychology, Social Psychology, is dedicated to the study of how we interact, and what it does to us.

Friends are good. More friends are better, no matter what the situation. Friendships can help you recover from terrible situations in life. They can help you avoid terrible situations as well. Friendships fight of mental illness, and can prevent poor decisions. I was given several opportunities lately to put that research to the test - one happy reason, a wedding; and a sad reason, a funeral.

Whatever the reason, it is important for us to continually work to improve our friendships, cultivate new ones, and maintain the ones we have. Here's why:

- When our own subjective view of reality gets a little bit distorted - whether about ourselves, our careers, or our other relationships, good friends are there to objectively reintroduce us to reality - whether gently or more directly, a good friend is there when we need to hear "get it together".

- Research says friends will also engage in mutually helpingbehavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. What does that mean? It means that when you need a hand, a friend is there - and you should be there when they need that hand.

- Want to feel better - call a friend. Better yet, spend an afternoon reminiscing over "the good old days". Taking the time to get together and remember the past is a key to a healthy life.

- Want to live longer and stay smarter? Build more friendships and maintain them - research in older adults continues to point out that the more friends, and the more stable the relationships, the better we are at maintaining mental flexibility and fighting off the negative aspects of aging.

Hopefully, these points are no major revelation to anyone reading this. However, in a time of greater digital connectivity, we seem to be losing some of our connectivity in friendships. Relationships where we had to work to build a "friendship" are being replaced by clicking "Accept" to become friends. These concepts should be self-evident, but sometimes it is good to be reminded.

For me, it was great connecting over that week of ups and downs. Life can sometimes work you pretty hard - but don't let it work you too hard to miss out on one the most enjoyable, and most important parts of life - friendships.

So, as the holidays approach, take some time away from all the "busy-ness" of the upcoming weeks to rebuild or improve your friendships. As Thanksgiving approaches, I want to thank all those friends that have helped me grow, but kept me in check, helped me move quickly, or slowed me down, made me feel smarter, or reminded me that I am not as smart as I like to think I am. Thanks. Let's get together soon.


Dan Recommends


I've shared my appreciation for Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail. Bryson is simply a great author who can make anything entertaining. So it was an easy decision to pick up his latest book A Short History of Nearly Everything: Special Illustrated Edition

First of all, it's not short, nor is it small. But it does appear to contain EVERYTHING! It's fairly deep, so I am only in the first chapter How to Build a Universe; and, true to form, it's been quite a read already. Bryson has gone pretty deep to help simple people like me understand the origins of the universe, the various theories leading up to the Big Bang, and where "God" and science fit in to the whole thing. I'll tell you more as I read along. If those "deep" questions are something that interest you, I highly recommend this one.

Put a Little "Om" in Your Day

Deep breathing and meditation have long been used by many cultures as an avenue to improved health. These exercises can relieve stress, provide relaxation in the moment, and improve our ability to handle the pressures of daily living. Engaging in these exercises on a daily basis can decrease the symptoms of anxiety and depression. Regular practice will have lasting effects that improve our overall mental, emotional, and physical health.

What is deep breathing? The act of deep breathing itself is simple. Unfortunately, we have become a culture of stressed out, on-the-go, shallow breathers - our daily activity typically keeps us so active, we forget to breathe.

Taking just 10-20 minutes of our day to focus on our breathing and to calm our minds can vastly improve our ability to succeed in our on-the-go days. Again, the practice itself is simple:

- Find a comfortable place to sit. Sitting in an upright position, trying not to slouch, will help open up your midsection and increase your ability to breathe deeply.

- Finding a time and place in our day where we will be uninterrupted for these 10-20 minutes is critical.

- It may be helpful to set a gentle alarm when you are practicing your deep breathing. If you are focused on being done in exactly 10 minutes, it may be difficult to focus on your breathing - setting an alarm takes the focus off the time so that you can just breathe.

- The breathing process itself is simple:

Take in a deep breath through your nose, filling up your lungs and more importantly, filling up your abdomen - the process of breathing in through your nose should take 7-9 seconds. Repeat.


While you are practicing, your mind may wander - especially the first several times you practice, you may find yourself worrying or going back to anxious thoughts. This is your time to focus on your breathing and relax, there will be time for worry and all those other thoughts after you are done.

Do You Need a Pill?

It's nearing that time of year for me to climb up on my soapbox and talk about one my favorite topics - the confluence of medicine and psychology. If it doesn't apply to you, maybe it applies to someone you know.


It's that time of year in that it gets colder and darker and our bodies tend to feel like hibernating. The holidays are drawing near, which is typically a wonderful time of year, but one full of stress to "get things done" and the reality of revisiting the dysfunction of our families - it's a mixed bag to say the least. Let's not forget our tendency to spend more, eat more, and exercise less over the next two months. All factors that lead to the decline in our overall mental health, and the statistically highest rates of depression recorded through the year.

What can you do about it?

You have several options:

If you know you struggle with depression, or anxiety, or seasonal affect disorder; if you have come to the realization over the past few years that you struggle through the holidays, maybe it's time to get some help.

If you have seen your physician for these concerns over the past few years, maybe it's time to check in again. If you have been on the same anti-depressant for a few years, it's probably time to try something different. It's my belief that you really aren't meant to be taking these kinds of medications for extended periods of time, anyway.

Another option is to talk to someone about it. You could chat with a friend or a trusted peer - it might help and you could get some really good advice. However, it could be a good idea to chat with someone with a history of successfully helping people who are struggling with stress, depression, anxiety, etc. Working with a counselor, therapist, social worker, or psychologist will help, and it might be the best solution for your situation. Their job, their education, their vocation in life is to help people who struggle with these issues, it's what they do. If there is a good fit between you and your therapist, the results of the work you do can far surpass your expectations.

Sometimes, most of the time, the best results are found at that confluence of psychology and medicine - when your physician and counselor communicate. Research tells us that the BEST solution to situations such as depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns is a combination of medication and talk therapy.

Your other option is to ride it out - it's only two months. Grind through the stress of the cold months and holidays with a fake smile and an attitude of "bah humbug". Just get through them. Maybe it could help if you had a few drinks to cope, right? Once you get to January, it all get's better... doesn't it?

As a therapist myself, I may be a little biased in saying that the final solution isn't always the best. But like I said, I know I'm biased. With that bias comes a natural inclination to encourage you to match your needs with what is going to help the best. If you historically struggle through the end of the year into the new year - whether it is a family situation, a marriage concern, or difficulty drinking too much through the holidays; or maybe you simply find yourself struggling through the next few months in a haze of depression or anxiety - there is help available. Ask your physician who she would recommend you see in a counseling situation; if they can't refer you to one, give me a call or email, I would be happy to help.

Dan Recommends


If you've read these articles much, you know I'm a huge fan of meditation for anxiety and depression. I'm not sure if I have recommended this work - truly one of my favorites - because I have not been sure if it has been available on Amazon. But now it is. This is a great book and CD on meditation by fellow professor Rev. Sam Boys. If you are at all interested in learning more about meditation with music, I highly recommend you take a look at his book: