How Do You Feel Love?

Several weeks ago, The Terminator inspired a few articles on preserving, protecting, and improving your marriage. This week, I wanted to share with you one final resource in that work. This book and Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work that I wrote about last week sit side-by-side in my office, as they go together very well to prevent marriage difficulties, or to help solve them when they arise.


Gary Chapman has written several helpful books for couples, families, and parents based on the same principle, The Five Love Languages. These are EXTREMELY helpful books to take a look at before marriage, during the good times or rough times of marriage, and when it comes to raising children.

I will share with you the basic premises of the book, but I encourage you to pick up a copy and keep it on hand as a reference throughout your family life.

The basic premise is that we all have a “love bank” or bucket that our spouses or family members either deposit into or make withdrawals from. Making frequent deposits results in an abundant, happy, and healthy family life and marriage; too many withdrawals and your account will be overdrawn.

The trick from Chapman’s point of view is that we all experience and express love in different ways based upon our family of origin, what we were taught about love, our personal preferences, and a host of other variables. If we express love in a way that is different from the way our spouse feels love, then we have a disconnect – even though you might be trying your hardest to express your love, your spouse might not feel it, because they experience love in a “different language”.

The goal then is to understand what language both you and your spouse (or children) feel and experience love, and how to step outside what may be your normal expression of love to meet their needs.

Fortunately, the Chapman books break this down into FIVE easy to understand ‘love languages’, and provide a few different inventories to see which language is yours.

His five love languages are:

- Words of Affirmation – giving and receiving words of kindness and encouragement

- Quality Time – not just spending time together, but being fully present

- Receiving Gifts – as simple as it sounds, but hard to get right

- Acts of Service helping out, finishing the ‘honey-do’ list, making the coffee

- Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands, high-fives, intimacy

Looking at these written here, they appear very basic, almost simple to do. But it’s not always that easy. It takes hard work and insight for us to understand our significant others primary love language, and then a committed effort to act in that manner to express our affection.

If you can identify your primary love language, and your spouses, you are half way there. But it takes time and perseverance to learn how to express your love in a way they will feel it most. Keep at it. If you need a little help, I highly recommend taking a look at the book, and reviewing it as much as possible.