7 Principles for Making Marriage Work - A Review

Can you believe it only takes seven steps?


This is not my title, not my idea, but that of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute. They have been researching couples, their communication, and relationships for quite a while now. I’ve enjoyed the Gottman collection of works in my own married life for quite a while, and I have prescribed this particular volume for most couples I work with. Not only is it a great reference with empirically based suggestions, but it also works to give us a common language to discuss common difficulties most couples are confronted with at some point.

I wanted to introduce this work to you in more depth and share some of it’s teachings. You can use some of these as a defense against issues getting worse, or you can use them to work your way out of relationship pitfalls. If these concepts resonate with you, click on the link and pick up a copy for yourself, or for someone you think might benefit from it.

The Seven Principles are fairly basic, but require a consider amount of work to put into place. Therefore, each one comes with a list of suggested exercise to engage in.

I will warn you, as I do everyone I recommend this book to, the first three chapters can be quite abysmal and depressing. They highlight Gottman’s technique for “predicting divorce” and suggest several obstacles, or “The Four Horsemen”, of relationship destruction. If you can get past these first three and digest what they have to offer, then begin the exercises, you will be well on your way.

Principle One is “Enhance Your Love Maps”; or what I like to think of as getting to know each other again, and again, and again. It is amazing how relationships change over the course of years. What might be even more amazing is the amount of people who don’t expect them to change and are blindsided by it. We need to continually get to know our significant other through talking, dating, and engaging in connecting activities. There is a great exercise at the end of this chapter that simply involves asking each other questions and finding out what you don’t know about your spouse.

Principal Two is about continuing to grow closer, and is titled Nurture Your Fondness and admiration. This principal offers steps to continue to build appreciation in your relationship so that it doesn’t face too much challenge. It is really about looking deeply to find what you like, admire, and appreciate about your significant other.

Principal Three suggests that we Turn Toward Each Other, Instead of Away. Another, more common way to state this is to WORK WITH your partner, rather than against. But in the daily struggles and trials of work, relationships, parenting, etc; it can be very difficult to engage in that behavior consistently. This principal suggests we think of our relationship as having an “emotional bank account” (a common concept in marriage books and theory) that we must continually make more deposits than withdrawals.

Principal Four, a tough one for us men, is to Let Your Partner Influence You. This concept suggests that we continue to increase our connectedness, admiration, appreciation, and emotional bank account simply by allowing ourselves to be influenced by our spouses thoughts and feelings, especially when it comes to critical decisions.

Principals Five and Six get right to the heart of most problems – conflict, disagreement, discord – whatever you want to call it, these two principals deal with identifying a relationships “Solvable Problems” and determining how to “Overcome Gridlock” of those problems that may not be solvable. If you find yourself able to do these two things well in your relationship, you are ahead of the game. If not, these two chapters will be worth their weight in gold.

Finally, Principal Seven, the ‘fun’ Principal, is about “Creating Shared Meaning” in your relationship. In order for a relationship to continue to be healthy and to flourish, the people in the relationship need to share commons goals and meaning in their individual lives, and as a couple. This final part of the book offers suggestions on what to do to get to that shared meaning.

I find myself ‘prescribing’ this book more and more lately. Therefore, I thought it might be helpful if I offered a synopsis on why I have found it so helpful, and why so many couple I have worked with have benefitted from it.

This can be a great resource to prevent certain pitfalls in relationships, and even more so, can help you get out of trouble spots when they occur. If you think you might benefit, if there is the slightest tinge in the back of your mind, I highly encourage you to pick up a copy.

You can find out more about the book, or order your copy here: