6 Steps to Talk Through Your Problems

In my last article I talked about all those important relationship issues that need to be addressed through the course of a relationship – money, chores, sex, children, work, play… the list goes on and on. Agreeing to spend even a minute bit of time with another person requires agreement, compromise, and understanding of expectations. Committing to spending your life with another person requires any exponentially greater amount of these qualities.


How do you get there?

Communication. Healthy, positive, effective communication focused on working through issues and coming to agreement, even if the agreement is simply to peacefully disagree.

So if your communication isn’t quite healthy, positive, and effective, here are a few tips taken right out of the texts for Counseling 101, Couples 201, and Don’t Drive Your Significant Other Crazy 401 (advanced class).

These are all fairly basic tips that are easy to implement. However, in our modern times, they have seemed to diminish considerably in our interactions with each other. Try these in your next disagreement/argument/discussion.

Turn off the tv, put down the paper, close your laptop, put your phone out of reach. The bottom line here is to put away any distractions and focus intently on what the other person has to say. This goes for your spouse, significant other, coworkers, and even your children. If you are going to take the time to enter into a discussion with someone, do it wholeheartedly.

Eye contact. Let the person know you are paying attention by looking at them – this is considerably easier when you adhere to tip #1.

Listen. Who ever thought one word could be so hard? It is though. We are hard-wired to be selfish, self-centered, and self-serving people; it’s part of our survival mechanisms. But when we enter in to a conversation with another person, it is vital to focus on what they are saying; even when other things pop into our head. Usually, you can expect a full range of thoughts to come into your head, like “what should I get at the grocery store, did the Cubs win, what’s for dinner, I can solve that problem…”; the list goes on, I’m sure. Of course, the big obstacle to listening is thinking about what you are going to say next – a huge communication breaker. The goal here is to shut down that list, or the part of your brain ready to answer back, and to focus intently on what the other person is trying to say to you, WITHOUT thinking about outside issues, or what you want to say next. One simple word, “LISTEN”, but so hard to do.

Minimal Encouragers. These are little cues you give to indicate that you are listening – it helps to make sure you are listening first; but the natural head nods, “uh-huh’s”, and “hmmm’s” will indicate to the other person that you are paying attention. It helps them to keep going in the discussion, and it will help you focus on what they are saying.

Paraphrase for meaning. This is another great way to trick yourself into listening better – make sure you are hearing what the other person is saying by asking; “so you are saying……”, or “what I heard you say is…….”. This may not be natural at first, but it gets easier the more you try it. It will also validate what the person is saying and let them know you really get what they are trying to communicate. One more thing, doing this sarcastically, with a negative tone, or in an angry way will have the exact opposite effect it is intended to have.

Don’t Problem solve – Validate. OK, this is where that “advanced class” comes in. This is probably the toughest but most important part of communicating. Unfortunately, for us men, we seem to be set-up through evolution and industry to think we have to SOLVE every problem put before us. Don’t worry, ladies, you are developing the same tendency. We all need to stop trying to solve each other’s problems, and work harder to validate each other’s thoughts and feelings if we want to improve communication and our relationships.

What does it mean to validate someone else’s feelings or thoughts? It is simply the act of understanding, or showing empathy for how that person feels. You don’t have to agree with them, but just understanding them goes a long way in letting them know you listened. This can be accomplished with several of the tips above, or by simply echoing their feelings as you heard them; “that must have been frustrating”, “that sounds like a really exciting moment,” “wow, you must have been nervous”. These are all examples of how you can validate someone else’s feelings.

The next time you are entering in to an important conversation with a loved one, focus on using these techniques to make the discussion more healthy, productive, and effective. Try hard to hear them, and work to validate their feelings, rather than solve their problems.