Save Your Family from "The Terminator"

Sigh… here we go again. One more high-profile story of infidelity and the havoc it causes in a marriage, in a family, and for the individuals involved. Infidelity is much like addiction in that it doesn’t affect only the individuals involved, but ripples through the lives of the family and community for a considerably longer amount of time than it takes for the act to occur.


It’s devastating.

As a person, I am sad for the people involved. I am sad for the children who are learning unhealthy behaviors and attitudes from unhealthy role models. I am sad for the spouse left behind. I am sad for the spouse who committed the act, and the guilt that will follow them. I am sad for those individuals who will be affected indefinitely in a myriad of ways.

As a man, I’m sick of my peers making bad decisions. We are expected to be the rock on which our family is built, the cornerstone. We are expected to be bastions of morale thinking and doing the ‘right thing’. Decisions like this skew those expectations for everyone. The rest of us have to pick up the slack for your bad decisions, guys.

As a therapist, I am convinced that marriages can avoid these situations with some degree of work and investment. I also know that, should these situations occur, a marriage can heal; but it does take more work and investment.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and concepts for protecting your marriage and family, avoiding infidelity or divorce, and healing from difficult times when they do occur.

The first one may be one of the simplest, but one of the more difficult to take care of – managing expectations.

Misaligned or ‘out-of-whack’ expectations can be the cause of considerable hurt, frustration, and resentment. Whether it’s where you will be going for the holidays, where the money goes, who does the dishes and who mows the long, how to discipline the kids, or how often you engage in intimacy; each topic has the potential to explode into a major disagreement if you are not both on the same page.

Avoiding these disagreements is often as simple as talking about them and coming to an agreement before negative emotions build. But that isn’t always that simple – honestly who wants to talk about dishes of all things? And how many of us are really all that comfortable talking about SEX? Even though sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship, just as critical as money, and who takes care of the bills, it’s not always that easy to discuss.

The fact remains, sex, and all of these topics need to be discussed. As do many more.

If you are able to come to an agreement on important topics in your marriage before they become an “issue”, you are doing yourself, your spouse, and your marriage a great service in avoiding conflict and hurt feelings.

Take some time to open up a discussion on these concepts. If you struggle to talk about them, find a good resource to help you through it.

Next week, I will be writing about having the discussion using the basic foundations of communication. I look forward to hearing how your discussion works out.